Could you forgive a one time misstep by your husband?

[Anonymous]

Very strange that he told you about it if it were a one time make out thing. Really no reason to confess unless there was someone who saw it and could potentially tell you. Maybe he wants to continue and feels guilty so he decided to confess thinking it will help him to stop? There’s something behind his confession a reason that he is not telling you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very strange that he told you about it if it were a one time make out thing. Really no reason to confess unless there was someone who saw it and could potentially tell you. Maybe he wants to continue and feels guilty so he decided to confess thinking it will help him to stop? There’s something behind his confession a reason that he is not telling you.

Maybe he is a guy with a strong sense of right and wring who made a mistake but doesn’t like keeping secrets from his wife? There is absolutely a reason to do it: your belief in the importance of being honest and not keeping secrets. I know not everybody is like this but I would do it for sure, and I don’t think it’s *that* weird.

But with all the other details I wouldn’t presume that OP’s spouse is like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PPs who are sure there is more. I think him telling you , voluntarily, deleting her number, etc. is all good. He should engage in counseling to get to why he did this and work on firmer boundaries. His actions need to match his words, though so far it seems that they are lining up. I think he needs to send one “no contact” message to the OW and you need to see it - “I have told my wife what happened between us. It was a huge mistake and terrible decision on my part, and I will always regret it. I love my wife and family. There can be no contact ever between us again. Do not contact me ever.” I also think he needs to tell his friends that he will never hang out with them again if she is there, especially if they know what happened that night. If the OW is married, you should tell her spouse. He deserves to know, and it keeps two sets of eyes on the situation.

He also conveniently deleted all of the evidence of the affair. OP, I agree with the person suggesting you get a post nuptial agreement of you don't make moves to leave. If you don't divorce when there is an affair, in court it means that you consented to the situation. You have less leverage and you need to wait the standard 2+ years to divorce.

LOL—And here’s why you don’t take legal advice from the internet because PP is spouting utter nonsense.

Sorry, OP. I feel your pain. I also thought my husband was a great guy. And he is, but he did a similar thing that did not feel terrible enough to upend my kids’ lives, but really made me look at him in a completely different way, which was just sad. I used to go honk no way could he ever cheat but now I know that in the right circumstances it would be possible. Which may be true of most people, but just wasn’t how I thought of him. I forgave him (like you, I believed his story, it wasn’t actual sex, and i believed that he was sincerely contrite), but it’s not the same as it was; not sure if it ever will be.

I also think the post nup idea is silly. I’m not sure it’s enforceable in court, plus Would you even want the father of your kids to be destitute after a divorce? Most importantly, I wouldn’t want to be married if the thing keeping my spouse faithful is fear of monetary loss. Good luck, OP.

I'm in VA and these details are true. Post nuptial agreements are enforceable as long as it doesn't touch areas that laws exist on (e.g. agreeing to less child support than what is required by law).

https://www.cgglawyers.com/adultery-impact-divorce-virginia/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grown adults who've known each other forever don't stop at heavy petting. He tried to get out in front of this by giving you a half-truth.

I disagree. I know some married people who stop at heavy petting and oral because it minimizes the risk of STIs and pregnancy.

OP - I would let this one time go.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I’d be able to give it a solid yes or no.

I’d be open to counseling and trying to work things out. But I’d want the option to change my mind later on if I decide I don’t want to, after all. I’d also get a post-nup in place.

Unfortunately in this day and age, I just don’t think it’s possible to re-build trust. Even with passwords, it’s way too easy to continue hiding things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grown adults who've known each other forever don't stop at heavy petting. He tried to get out in front of this by giving you a half-truth.

+1. Esp when drunk…

[Anonymous]

Others know what took place. That's the only reason he is talking and giving a watered down version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I loved him, I would forgive 100%

Me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grown adults who've known each other forever don't stop at heavy petting. He tried to get out in front of this by giving you a half-truth.

+1. Esp when drunk…

I disagree. I think a lot of people would stop. That is crossing a line not to.

[Anonymous]

I tried to think about why I would do this (if I did it). I am not a man but the reason I would do this would be because I was unfulfilled in my marriage and either didn’t love my spouse or was trying to test my own love for my spouse. Hope that is helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grown adults who've known each other forever don't stop at heavy petting. He tried to get out in front of this by giving you a half-truth.

+1. Esp when drunk…

I disagree. I think a lot of people would stop. That is crossing a line not to.

I think the line was already crossed (I mean, one line at least), but I as a grown adult have stopped at heavy petting when drunk because when things looked like they were going further that’s when I realized it was a really bad idea (not because I was cheating, it just hit me that I didn’t actually like the guy and didn’t want to have sex).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to think about why I would do this (if I did it). I am not a man but the reason I would do this would be because I was unfulfilled in my marriage and either didn’t love my spouse or was trying to test my own love for my spouse. Hope that is helpful.

men just want to get off, nothing more.

Is she hot? I’d hit it. Is she not hot? I’d still hit it.

[Anonymous]

Do you feel respected, loved & supported by him? Do you trust him?

[Anonymous]

No….petting means what shoved tongue down her throat squeezed her breasts got hand between her legs maybe her pants?

Imagine these things I would give birth and then consider divorce I’d sleep in different beds and no sex or kissing but honestly…. That mental image would stop me from letting this go it would take years to gain trust back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

Why should you get everything?

It’s not about getting everything. That assumes they get divorced. The postnup is about putting both partners on equal footing in regards to power in the relationship.

He cheated on her. He broke trust in a very big way in the most vulnerable time. He’s asking for trust now so he needs to make a gesture to show her that he trusts her. And stop with the dramatics, nobody is going to be destitute. A postnup in this situation is usually things like she gets to stay in the house and keep all the equity. Things that directly benefit her and the children. He agrees to contribute X amount into 529’s for each child, etc. Her retirement account is exempt from marital assets.

The people suggesting that she waste her life monitoring his phone are idiots. That’s work for her. He screwed up. He needs to do the work and he needs to show her that he’s committed to her abd his children.