Could you forgive a one time misstep by your husband?

[Anonymous]

Grown adults who've known each other forever don't stop at heavy petting. He tried to get out in front of this by giving you a half-truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. Cheating is unforgivable. I told DH back when we first started dating, if he wants to cheat just break up with me instead. It’s in our prenup that it’s grounds for divorce.

This never happens.

[Anonymous]

Id bet my incisions they went defcon 1 but he’s telling you it was only a make out session. Let it go, it probably won’t happen again and his guilt (if he’s not a sociopath) will keep him at your beck and call till the end of the republic.

[Anonymous]

Why did he tell you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would forgive, but not before making him clean up his mess. He would have to do all the STD testing and I would need to see all his social media and texts without letting him have time to delete. He would have to earn the trust back and it would take a long time. Therapy, figuring out why he did it, etc.

I’m guessing there are some fears about being locked down with all those kids and possibly some resentments too. Not going to get easier once the kid comes. I’m sorry OP.

This ultimately means nothing, where there's a will there's a way. There are so many apps that allow messaging. Instagram has vanish mode, Words with Friends has messaging, even Yelp. It's a wee naive to think the only way cheaters communicate is via text and social media that you can catch. I divorced a cheater, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did he tell you OP?

He's an honest guy, he felt guilty

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did he tell you OP?

He's an honest guy, he felt guilty

Honest guys don't cheat. I'm pretty sure that's an oxymoron.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my dh said it was "just a kiss," too. It was actually an 18 month affair.

They never tell the truth. They only tell you just enough to hopefully get away with it. Unfortunately, with multiple trips stretching years back, I would guess they have engaged in poor drunken decisions prior to this. Stay if you must, but also consult a lawyer, get everything in order so you have options if you need them. It may give you peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

*corrected*
Id bet my incisors they went defcon 1 but he’s telling you it was only a make out session. Let it go, it probably won’t happen again and his guilt (if he’s not a sociopath) will keep him at your beck and call till the end of the republic.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to see statistics on these one-time cheaters. I'm pretty sure it's around 2%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would forgive, but not before making him clean up his mess. He would have to do all the STD testing and I would need to see all his social media and texts without letting him have time to delete. He would have to earn the trust back and it would take a long time. Therapy, figuring out why he did it, etc.

I’m guessing there are some fears about being locked down with all those kids and possibly some resentments too. Not going to get easier once the kid comes. I’m sorry OP.

This plus friend would be permanently blocked from phone and all other forms of contact. No more partying with friends. Time to grow the f up for real.

Any sniff of a second time or an affair and I’d be gone. I’d prepare for that possibility.

I’m PP. The reason I would be this strict is because there’s a big gap between thinking about doing something and actually doing something. The fact that it got that far means in some part of his mind he was fine with it, and I think he needs to understand why.

NP. I agree with "strict PP" above about what to do next. Especially "he needs to understand why" and "I'm guessing there are some fears/resentments" about two kids and one on the way, possibly.

Add in this, OP: Sure, it was his first time seeing these buddies in a while but -- what grown man with kids gets that kind of sloppy makeout (or more) drunk? I would sit down and think hard about whether he drinks at home too--? Is there an issue with alcohol? Is there not an issue, usually, but in the past does seeing this group usually mean drinking more than a bit, and that's how this group socializes?

I would be concerned enough about the fact you're at child number three with him that I would make it non-negotiable to do couples counseling or therapy, stat, because if the root is that he somehow fears life with three kids -- you and he need to unpack that ASAP before you are in the exhausting new-baby phase together. An objective third party could really help.

It's positive that DH has offered to do testing (why testing if they only made out? Does he mean covid testing--?....bit of a disconnect there) etc. Take him up on that offer and the offer to scrub all social media.

Also: He needs to lose that whole friend group. She's going to be among them again at some point or she's going to turn up at a mutual friend's house etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, my dh said it was "just a kiss," too. It was actually an 18 month affair.

They never tell the truth. They only tell you just enough to hopefully get away with it. Unfortunately, with multiple trips stretching years back, I would guess they have engaged in poor drunken decisions prior to this. Stay if you must, but also consult a lawyer, get everything in order so you have options if you need them. It may give you peace of mind.

As a former AP, here to say this is correct. He told her it was over. It went on for years.

[Anonymous]

1) He had sex with her. An ex boyfriend started his 2 year affair confession this way - they made out. Yeah, no, the had sex for 2 years.
2) He's telling you because she threatened to tell you first when she found out that you were pregnant for the 3rd time and the lies he told her weren't true.
3) Get the confessions and get them in writing. Serve him with papers and drop his a$$. In VA adultery is grounds for immediate divorce and you'll be favored in the asset distribution.

[Anonymous]

Why did he take the initiative and disclose this to you in the first place?

Was the guilt too strong for him to handle or would you have found out anyway??
I believe if they made out & had foreplay then they likely ended up going all the way because what would stop them!?

To hear about this transgression when you are expecting his 3rd child is just awful.

You may try to be understanding now > but for the rest of your marriage you will always be second-guessing him 24/7.
He destroyed your ultimate trust and sadly you will be the one wasting so much time, energy + emotion on trying to gain it back.
It is exhausting.

Your resentment will likely build up over the years too.

This will not end well.
But being pregnant I can also see how you may feel it is much easier to stay in your comfort zone since you are in a very vulnerable state.

[Anonymous]

The most likely explanation is that he’s been hooking up with her whenever he sees his high school friends. They all know and nobody feels it’s their place to tell you.

So, why did he tell you?

I bet there’s trouble in paradise and she got mad at him and threatened to tell you about the affair. He’s trying to get ahead of it. The pregnancy probably has something to do with it, she’s seeing the timeline for a divorce being reset.

I don’t necessarily think I’d divorce while pregnant, but I would definitely get my house in order. Get your finances squared away. Now is the time for a postnuptial agreement.