Could you forgive a one time misstep by your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very strange that he told you about it if it were a one time make out thing. Really no reason to confess unless there was someone who saw it and could potentially tell you. Maybe he wants to continue and feels guilty so he decided to confess thinking it will help him to stop? There’s something behind his confession a reason that he is not telling you.

+1

As backwards as it sounds, if this was really a one time thing that didn’t escalate into sex, it’s cruel to tell you about it. Esp considering that you were home, pregnant, with two of his children. That’s so so hurtful. There is no reason to tell you. It brings you so much pain. I see no benefit. For you at least. For him, I’m assuming there was some small benefit? Other people saw it and threatened to tell? The AP got mad?

If there’s a long history with this woman, do you want to know? Will that help or make things worse? There are ways to get more info… but if your goal is to save your marriage, probably best not to dig too deep.

Yeah...this is what makes me think it was more than making out. A decent guy doesn't decide to torture his pregnant wife and potentially blow up his life because of some tonsil hockey. We're all grown ass adults here. Making out is stupid, but you move the F on from that. Sex? Nah, there's consequences there.

He likely told you to 1. Unburden himself, 2. Hold himself accountable so it won't happen again, or will stop if it's been happening.

This doesn't mean your H is a terrible guy, or a worse guy than most. Because a lot of men do this and they're not all dogs. But most are weak. Sucks but it's true. That pedestal you had your husband on just evaporated.

Sorry OP. Really wishing you the best. You guys can come back from this. Welcome to being the strong one in your marriage. That's most of us.

I was going to respond but you nailed exactly what I was going to say. Including the pedestal evaporating, and knowing your DH is just like most men out there.

The only thing I would tell my DH is if he does something stupid like that again, don't confess. I don't need the aggravation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as he used protection and won’t have a child knocking on our door I’m okay with a one time reality check.

I'll put it this way, I would be out the door if it was a long term relationship. But a once or twice occurrence, not necessarily a divorce but would bring the marriage down to a level where it would be extremely difficult for it to ever be trusting again. Though I will give him points for coming clean.

[Anonymous]

All the pp's recommending post nups....They take a long time to create and are extremely expensive! 20-40k. It's not like some online form thing.... That's a massive investment as a couple of time and resources, and I don't understand the flippant remarks. It's not a simple thing. Please correct me if I am wrong.

[Anonymous]

Do you know his old friends who were there? Maybe talk to them, not the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the pp's recommending post nups....They take a long time to create and are extremely expensive! 20-40k. It's not like some online form thing.... That's a massive investment as a couple of time and resources, and I don't understand the flippant remarks. It's not a simple thing. Please correct me if I am wrong.

It depends on your assets but it is actually a pretty simple thing if the assets aren’t complicated.

[Anonymous]

OP - check back in. Did he do this in front of other people? Is he unburdening himself bcause he feels guilty? otherwise, it does seem cruel to you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the pp's recommending post nups....They take a long time to create and are extremely expensive! 20-40k. It's not like some online form thing.... That's a massive investment as a couple of time and resources, and I don't understand the flippant remarks. It's not a simple thing. Please correct me if I am wrong.

It doesn't have to be that expensive unless they have complicated finances. But I also don't think that is a good use of time and money for this couple.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

Why should you get everything?

It’s not about getting everything. That assumes they get divorced. The postnup is about putting both partners on equal footing in regards to power in the relationship.

He cheated on her. He broke trust in a very big way in the most vulnerable time. He’s asking for trust now so he needs to make a gesture to show her that he trusts her. And stop with the dramatics, nobody is going to be destitute. A postnup in this situation is usually things like she gets to stay in the house and keep all the equity. Things that directly benefit her and the children. He agrees to contribute X amount into 529’s for each child, etc. Her retirement account is exempt from marital assets.

The people suggesting that she waste her life monitoring his phone are idiots. That’s work for her. He screwed up. He needs to do the work and he needs to show her that he’s committed to her abd his children.

Many DHs call the wife’s bluff on this. “If you insist on all that just to stay together, let’s end it now.” That’s especially true if an AP is waiting for him.

How is that a bad thing? If my H said that, my response would be “k bye”.

Ha that was my thought too.

OP is pregnant with her third and wants to stay married.

I mean I don’t know what she wants but if in her shoes, my DH had this response to a post nup (“if we have to do all that to stay together let’s end it”) after *he-* screwed up like this, I wouldn’t want to be married to him.

[Anonymous]

Oh man I am so different from people here. The thought of my husband making out with somebody else makes me angry, but the thought of him doing that and carrying on with me as if everything was normal makes me absolutely disgusted. I cannot imagine not wanting to know.

And my husband did something terrible and confessed and it pissed me off, but I would much prefer that to the thought of him doing something wrong and keeping it a secret. So this isn’t a shot in the dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh man I am so different from people here. The thought of my husband making out with somebody else makes me angry, but the thought of him doing that and carrying on with me as if everything was normal makes me absolutely disgusted. I cannot imagine not wanting to know.

And my husband did something terrible and confessed and it pissed me off, but I would much prefer that to the thought of him doing something wrong and keeping it a secret. So this isn’t a shot in the dark.

Yes, I agree to an extent. Several years ago, my DH confessed to me right after he had engaged in a boundary crossing text exchange with an old friend from high school (pretty close to sexting). I was very angry and expressed that and discussed future limits/repercussions and then I took our son on a nice long expensive weekend without DH . I was very glad he told me though as I would not want to have that going on behind my back. However, I think I would feel differently about my DH disclosing a long ago transgression - we have been married 30 plus years - just to relieve himself of the guilt - I would be angry and hurt and resentful that he waited to tell me.

For OP's situation - man, I am sorry. Pregnant with small kids? I guess it is good he told you, but I would be clear that this was not "forgive and forget" just because he told - I would say counseling would be appropriate, or hell, at least get some good jewelry or alone time, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP, your husband made a huge mistake for sure, but you made an equally big one coming to DCUM for advice. This is a forum for man haters. You're not going to get good advice here.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t met a man yet who brings flowers just because, helps without being asked and calls to say that he’s.. coming home just because. I understand calling to say “I’ll be home..” so we can plan supper but not to tell me he’s on the way home.

In short, every guy I’ve ever known who behaves as your husband does has something he’s doing that his wife won’t like.. sadly as you are finding out.

You also seem shockingly nivaev, he’s always been honest in the past? How can you possibly know that for a fact about well, anybody. You seem like a little girl talking about her daddy, not a woman talking about her husband.

As for staying with him and not forgiving him, that will destroy you. You will become mean and maybe even abusive. You don’t have to forgive or stay, but if you do stay, you need to forgive.

Going forward, I would insist he drop this friend and everybody else in the friend group. The girl he messed around with will pop up when you least expect it. The only way to prevent this is for him to dump the whole lot of them.

You two also do all socializing together. You may need to go out when you don’t feel like it, and he may need to stay home when he’d prefer to go out. Your fun needs to be things you two experience together. I don’t understand why he got to go out when you’d been also going through a pandemic and last weekend was Halloween for you too. You treated him like he’s a high school boy “Sure, go out with your friends” exactly what I said to my daughter. That’s not being a wife, that’s being a mother. You and your husband no longer socialize separately.

I’m sorry, op. You’ll never know what did and didn’t happen. You’ll need to be comfortable with that. If I had to guess, they’d been building up to this for awhile. I’m also not convinced he feels as guilty as he says. He’s probably worried she’ll tell you or one of the friends will make a comment “Remember that one Halloween party where Jack And Jill…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

This clearly calls for the death penalty.

[Anonymous]

Where’s OP? What happened? Update please.

[Anonymous]

Why all the harping on the fact that he deleted her on everything? Is she some Jezebel who seduced him? She’s not the issue here.
If he got drunk and had sex with her, he’ll do it with someone else.

And I guarantee that they had sex. It’s a common tactic to admit to a partial truth in order to get away with a bigger lie.