Could you forgive a one time misstep by your husband?

[Anonymous]

Misstep? Did he trio and fall? PIV is not required to commit adultery and violate your marriage vows. Hell, no. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

Why should you get everything?

[Anonymous]

Do you know this woman? Does she also have a spouse and kids? If so, has she come clean too?

[Anonymous]

3 kids is a lot. I would make sure you stop there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd forgive it. If that's the worst transgression in a long and otherwise good marriage, you are doing better than most.

OP here. We've been married 7.5 years and dated 4 years before that. He's genuinely a good and honest guy which is why I'm so baffled by this. He's a good husband, the kind that calls when he's on his way home from work, brings me flowers because I like them. I don't have to beg him for help around the house or with the kids. I've always thought of him as my best friend. To the pp who asked, The friends get together ever so often the last time was preCOVID . They decided to meet up again and have a Halloween party. I have gone in the past, but didn't feel like it, but told him to go because it had been a while since he had seen them and I believe we both deserve to have fun.

He's already deleted her from his phone and social media. I have access to those anyway. He's offered to get tested and go to therapy basically anything I want. I do believe he's sorry. I'm just so hurt, and I think more disappointed and shocked than angry, and while I'm not thinking about leaving him over this or anything. I don't think I can forgive him. either.

That looks different for everyone. More times than not it’s not a great marriage to be in without forgiveness.

[Anonymous]

Where did the make out and heavy petting happen? In public? At the high school friends house? Did he do it in front of others?

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the PPs who are sure there is more. I think him telling you , voluntarily, deleting her number, etc. is all good. He should engage in counseling to get to why he did this and work on firmer boundaries. His actions need to match his words, though so far it seems that they are lining up. I think he needs to send one “no contact” message to the OW and you need to see it - “I have told my wife what happened between us. It was a huge mistake and terrible decision on my part, and I will always regret it. I love my wife and family. There can be no contact ever between us again. Do not contact me ever.” I also think he needs to tell his friends that he will never hang out with them again if she is there, especially if they know what happened that night. If the OW is married, you should tell her spouse. He deserves to know, and it keeps two sets of eyes on the situation.

[Anonymous]

I'd call and talk with her since she is a "friend" without telling him first. I would like to hear her version.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Female friend, they don't see each other regularly usually just once a year or every other year if that when the old high school friends meet up

You have never had an issue with DH before or suspected anything inappropriate between them.

DH confesses to you. They did not sleep together more like making out and heavy petting. They had been drinking. DH is apologetic and horrified at his own behavior. Has already removed her from his phone and social media.

You have 2 kids and 1 on the way.

To answer your question, yes I could, but I would need really big reassurances.

Cheating when your wife is pregnant is a phenomenally asinine thing to do. He basically pointed a loaded gun to your family AND he did it at a time when you are at your most vulnerable physically and emotionally. I would not want to waste my time checking his phone and trying to monitor him because honestly who wants to spend their free time that way? That sets up a terrible dynamic that I’d want no part in. What I would need is a postnup that basically gives me everything in the case of divorce. Trust is a two way street. He’s asking for a lot of trust after betraying you, what’s he willing to bring to the table?

Why should you get everything?

Because she is not cheating. Have a prenup/postnup that says that the person who cheats loses everything and then cheating becomes hard.

[Anonymous]

Well, I’m sure they slept together. I’d reach out and ask her if they sued protection.

[Anonymous]

I can see myself forgiving this. If, as OP says, there are no other issues in the relationship.

He made a mistake, a HUGE one. And I would be incredibly hurt and it would take a long time to heal. But I could forgive. My DH is my partner and my best friend. We built a wonderful life together. A single mistake is not worth blowing that all up.

For those that are so certain that there is more that has happened or will happen, sure that could be the case. It also could not be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PPs who are sure there is more. I think him telling you , voluntarily, deleting her number, etc. is all good. He should engage in counseling to get to why he did this and work on firmer boundaries. His actions need to match his words, though so far it seems that they are lining up. I think he needs to send one “no contact” message to the OW and you need to see it - “I have told my wife what happened between us. It was a huge mistake and terrible decision on my part, and I will always regret it. I love my wife and family. There can be no contact ever between us again. Do not contact me ever.” I also think he needs to tell his friends that he will never hang out with them again if she is there, especially if they know what happened that night. If the OW is married, you should tell her spouse. He deserves to know, and it keeps two sets of eyes on the situation.

He also conveniently deleted all of the evidence of the affair. OP, I agree with the person suggesting you get a post nuptial agreement of you don't make moves to leave. If you don't divorce when there is an affair, in court it means that you consented to the situation. You have less leverage and you need to wait the standard 2+ years to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree with the PPs who are sure there is more. I think him telling you , voluntarily, deleting her number, etc. is all good. He should engage in counseling to get to why he did this and work on firmer boundaries. His actions need to match his words, though so far it seems that they are lining up. I think he needs to send one “no contact” message to the OW and you need to see it - “I have told my wife what happened between us. It was a huge mistake and terrible decision on my part, and I will always regret it. I love my wife and family. There can be no contact ever between us again. Do not contact me ever.” I also think he needs to tell his friends that he will never hang out with them again if she is there, especially if they know what happened that night. If the OW is married, you should tell her spouse. He deserves to know, and it keeps two sets of eyes on the situation.

He also conveniently deleted all of the evidence of the affair. OP, I agree with the person suggesting you get a post nuptial agreement of you don't make moves to leave. If you don't divorce when there is an affair, in court it means that you consented to the situation. You have less leverage and you need to wait the standard 2+ years to divorce.

LOL—And here’s why you don’t take legal advice from the internet because PP is spouting utter nonsense.

Sorry, OP. I feel your pain. I also thought my husband was a great guy. And he is, but he did a similar thing that did not feel terrible enough to upend my kids’ lives, but really made me look at him in a completely different way, which was just sad. I used to go honk no way could he ever cheat but now I know that in the right circumstances it would be possible. Which may be true of most people, but just wasn’t how I thought of him. I forgave him (like you, I believed his story, it wasn’t actual sex, and i believed that he was sincerely contrite), but it’s not the same as it was; not sure if it ever will be.

I also think the post nup idea is silly. I’m not sure it’s enforceable in court, plus Would you even want the father of your kids to be destitute after a divorce? Most importantly, I wouldn’t want to be married if the thing keeping my spouse faithful is fear of monetary loss. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see myself forgiving this. If, as OP says, there are no other issues in the relationship.

He made a mistake, a HUGE one. And I would be incredibly hurt and it would take a long time to heal. But I could forgive. My DH is my partner and my best friend. We built a wonderful life together. A single mistake is not worth blowing that all up.

For those that are so certain that there is more that has happened or will happen, sure that could be the case. It also could not be.

I’d probably feel the same way about forgiving him. But not sure I could ever forget. I don’t understand why he told you. He’s take the burden off himself and put it on you. That seems very selfish to me. Where were the other friends? Presumably they know something happened? How old are you guys? I’m sorry, op. I wouldn’t want to blow up my family either, but this is rough and will take time to settle out.