Friends who are family until they’re not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were they the ones hosting/organising it? Maybe the extended family members don't feel as close to your family and would prefer not every event include you.

So the extended families feelings come before the feelings of the friends they consider close family?

Wtf? You don't own these people! They are allowed to socialize without you!

[Anonymous]

Op, I’m sorry you were hurt. A few questions: 1. Are there other families in the group or just your family and this set of grandparents/adult kids your age/grandkids? 2. Did you just get together for Rosh Hashanah or YK Break Fast? 3. If yes, who hosted? 4. If there are other families in the group, were they at the football game?

For my answer, I’m assuming it’s just your family and the other extended family that gets together most frequently. I also understand why you were hurt by the comment about family size but I’ll bet your friend said that bc she didn’t know what to say when you confronted her. Most people would not ask someone why they weren’t invited to watch a football game.

Is it possible that the parents, grandparents and kids just wanted to watch the game alone? Especially if they knew they would be seeing your family for the HH or had just seen them for the HH (HH = abbreviation for Jewish High Holidays). Growing up, we had a lot of close friends we considered family but they weren’t family. We knew that (as kids). I want to gently suggest that you may want to establish some boundaries. As the kids are getting older, do you think the other kids may have a problem with your kids calling their grandparents the same name? You have to be realistic and realize that while the grandparents adore your kids, it will never be the same type of relationship they have with their own grandchildren or their kids and you need to have the grace to give them some time alone occasionally without making them feel bad about it. I think you are being too sensitive about that comment and maybe you should call your friend to apologize for asking and say you understand that you don’t have to do everything together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for 18 years you all have included each other in every family gathering, and suddenly for the first time they excluded you? Obviously something changed. Do you have different views in masking and/or vaccinating?

Thank you for this. I will think on it. It’s an ever changing landscape here and we have at times diverged and agreed. However, all the adults are vaccinated (some even have boosters) and are generally on the side of hand washing and science ☺️

OP, are your children too young to be vaccinated? Your opening post suggests that might be the case and your friends include senior citizens. Even if the other adults are vaccinated, they may not want to risk being around unvaccinated people, especially kids who are back in school. We canceled a visit to my parents' home in August because my youngest child is not vaccinated yet. Both of my parents are vaccinated and in decent health, but they are elderly. Even a "mild" breakthrough case of Covid could be really miserable for them and risky for their longterm wellbeing.

Thank you for this. I’m not sure how the older people have changed in their fear of being infected.

Op you sound socially clueless! Yes, many old people don't want to hang out with unvaccinated kids! Some are still even keeping their distance from unvaxxed grandkids! So no, they don't want to hang out with FOUR unvaccinated children.

Get over yourself. YOU DON"T OWN THESE PEOPLE. They are allowed to spend time with whoever they want.

You are acting like a possessive eighth grade friend.

[Anonymous]

I have no local blood family, but two families that we consider “like family.” This doesn’t mean we do everything with them - not at all. We sometimes vacation together, but not always. We sometimes gather with each of our extended families and theirs, but not always. We sometimes have dinner with other families and not them - but not always.
What it means to us when we call them “family” is if we have a 2 am emergency these are the people we call. They would drop anything for us, and us for them. They support us and we support them, no matter what.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe OP put them on the spot to ask why she wasn’t invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

OP, what are you looking for here? People have offered a variety of potential interpretations of that explanation that would be completely reasonable, but you seem to be looking for people to say they must be assholes and you should cut them off. Are you looking for permission to torch these friendships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? If you have 4 and everyone else has 1 or 2 this makes sense. Sorry, that’s the reality of having a big family.

Because OP has 2 extra kids they can’t join? That makes no sense if there are already a bunch of other kids there.

Look this is watching a game indoors. Space matters. They can invite OP’s family if 6 or two families of 3. It is what it is.

It was an outdoor watch party. We have four kids, including a set of twins. I get that our family is too large for casual socializing, but for
“Family” to say we are too large of a family for them hurts.

Hey OP I worry about this too since we have 4 kids which is usually 2 more than most of our friends. When we decided to go for our 4th I figured we’d have to host or meet outside since most of our friends don’t have big homes. Can you offer to host the next gathering?

[Anonymous]

OP - you have too many kids to be included

that's it
that's all

Don't make this the hill you die on. It don't resonate with you but it must with some of the others. They are entitled to a preference, occasionally, for how their evening plays out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? If you have 4 and everyone else has 1 or 2 this makes sense. Sorry, that’s the reality of having a big family.

Because OP has 2 extra kids they can’t join? That makes no sense if there are already a bunch of other kids there.

Look this is watching a game indoors. Space matters. They can invite OP’s family if 6 or two families of 3. It is what it is.

It was an outdoor watch party. We have four kids, including a set of twins. I get that our family is too large for casual socializing, but for
“Family” to say we are too large of a family for them hurts.

Hey OP I worry about this too since we have 4 kids which is usually 2 more than most of our friends. When we decided to go for our 4th I figured we’d have to host or meet outside since most of our friends don’t have big homes. Can you offer to host the next gathering?

I am PP and just catching up on the rest of the thread. Asking about mask/vaccine/school policies is also a good question. I know with 4 we do not expect anyone to invite us over when we’ve got 3 different classrooms in 1 school and 1 preschooler and none old enough to be vaccinated.

So, recap as a fellow mom of 4:

1) Accept that 4 kids is a lot of kids
2) Accept that 4 unvaccinated kids in school is a lot more exposure risk than some are comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

OP, 4 kids are a lot.
4 unvaccinated kids are a lot during a pandemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, 4 kids are a lot.
4 unvaccinated kids are a lot during a pandemic.

OP, time to make new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no local blood family, but two families that we consider “like family.” This doesn’t mean we do everything with them - not at all. We sometimes vacation together, but not always. We sometimes gather with each of our extended families and theirs, but not always. We sometimes have dinner with other families and not them - but not always.
What it means to us when we call them “family” is if we have a 2 am emergency these are the people we call. They would drop anything for us, and us for them. They support us and we support them, no matter what.

This just isn’t true. If you find out one of the dads in the other families is a child molester - do you support him no matter what?
If the wife knew or suspected he was an abuser but chose to look the other way - would you support them no matter what?

[Anonymous]

It's watching football. Maybe they were going to drink. People aren't as careful when they drink. Maybe they don't want to be careful.

Again, if there is drinking, adults don't welcome the idea that young children are present.

It's an adult thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no local blood family, but two families that we consider “like family.” This doesn’t mean we do everything with them - not at all. We sometimes vacation together, but not always. We sometimes gather with each of our extended families and theirs, but not always. We sometimes have dinner with other families and not them - but not always.
What it means to us when we call them “family” is if we have a 2 am emergency these are the people we call. They would drop anything for us, and us for them. They support us and we support them, no matter what.

This just isn’t true. If you find out one of the dads in the other families is a child molester - do you support him no matter what?
If the wife knew or suspected he was an abuser but chose to look the other way - would you support them no matter what?

Way to take that to places it didn’t need to go.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are expecting a bit too much from friends and family. Having kids running around changes they dynamic of a hangout quite a bit. This is the case no matter how well behaved they are; young children require a certain level of attention and supervision and they make noise and move around.

I wouldn’t take this to mean they don’t love you and the kids; they just wanted to have a relaxed kid-free time. Or they were concerned about covid. Whatever the case, this is fine behavior from both family and friends.