Friends who are family until they’re not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? If you have 4 and everyone else has 1 or 2 this makes sense. Sorry, that’s the reality of having a big family.

Because OP has 2 extra kids they can’t join? That makes no sense if there are already a bunch of other kids there.

Look this is watching a game indoors. Space matters. They can invite OP’s family if 6 or two families of 3. It is what it is.

It was an outdoor watch party. We have four kids, including a set of twins. I get that our family is too large for casual socializing, but for
“Family” to say we are too large of a family for them hurts.

If you get so “hurt” over them “letting you down” *one time in 18 years* of friendship, then I hope for their sake that you give them some space for a while. How ungrateful, for you to repay 18 years of friendship with being this entitled and pouty over ONE time that you weren’t invited. One time. In 18 years.

I was thinking about this and the more I think about it I actually think it's more hurtful to not be included one or two times when you are included every single time than it is to be included say half the time and the other half you're not. The reason I say this is because it changes the usual statues quo of always being invited every single time for 18 years and then after 18 years it...stops. It makes you stop and think why all of a sudden after 18 years am I not invited. As opposed to being invited her and there you are used to that and assume that as the status quo.

Do your friends a favor and be “hurt” and distant so that they can see you for the insane, entitled, desperate, bean-counter that you are and drop you.

Mature, stable people do not have time for your antics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for 18 years you all have included each other in every family gathering, and suddenly for the first time they excluded you? Obviously something changed. Do you have different views in masking and/or vaccinating?

Thank you for this. I will think on it. It’s an ever changing landscape here and we have at times diverged and agreed. However, all the adults are vaccinated (some even have boosters) and are generally on the side of hand washing and science ☺️

OP, are your children too young to be vaccinated? Your opening post suggests that might be the case and your friends include senior citizens. Even if the other adults are vaccinated, they may not want to risk being around unvaccinated people, especially kids who are back in school. We canceled a visit to my parents' home in August because my youngest child is not vaccinated yet. Both of my parents are vaccinated and in decent health, but they are elderly. Even a "mild" breakthrough case of Covid could be really miserable for them and risky for their longterm wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even being family doesn’t mean you get invited to everything.

Correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you explain more?

I don't understand why you would have been invited and I don't understand why you are hurt.

Was this a far distance? I assume they stayed with the family there? Wouldn't that mean there wasn't room for you even if they were thinking about it?

We assumed we would have been invited because it was watching a football game of a team from all 6 of our home state. I don’t want to give too much identifying info but assume it was the Chicago bears vs the Cincinnati bengals and we were all from Cincinnati but now all live in Chicago. Does that make sense? Like, it was a very specific thing to be left out of. Otherwise it’s not a big deal to be left out of casual events. I get it!

This event was at your friend's home or someone else's home? If someone else's home, it's not appropriate for them to invite you. Especially if that family didn't want you over because it was too many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So for 18 years you all have included each other in every family gathering, and suddenly for the first time they excluded you? Obviously something changed. Do you have different views in masking and/or vaccinating?

Thank you for this. I will think on it. It’s an ever changing landscape here and we have at times diverged and agreed. However, all the adults are vaccinated (some even have boosters) and are generally on the side of hand washing and science ☺️

OP, are your children too young to be vaccinated? Your opening post suggests that might be the case and your friends include senior citizens. Even if the other adults are vaccinated, they may not want to risk being around unvaccinated people, especially kids who are back in school. We canceled a visit to my parents' home in August because my youngest child is not vaccinated yet. Both of my parents are vaccinated and in decent health, but they are elderly. Even a "mild" breakthrough case of Covid could be really miserable for them and risky for their longterm wellbeing.

Thank you for this. I’m not sure how the older people have changed in their fear of being infected.

[Anonymous]

Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the person who said sometimes it's not the number of kids, but how they behave. Do your kids trash the house, spill food everywhere, get their hands all over the food trying to decide which cookie they want, are loud and rambunctious? Some kids are like that--it's not an assault on their character, it's just the way they are, but it also means they may not get as many invites.

Our kids don’t do this. The family/friend members say that they love our kids like their own and we call them baba Larla and papa Larlo, aunt larla uncle larlo.

Everyone always says this about their kids, yet so many kids do one or more of the above. And so many parents don't monitor their kids at someone else's house, especially someone they consider "family". You still haven't mentioned the ages of your kids, but if they are young, do consider that they are not as well behaved as you think and that it might just be too much sometimes to have twins and two more young kids running around. Think about how you watch them while there and consider it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

Nobody is missing that. I feel like you are missing the point that having four kids, two of which are twins, can be a huge PITA if they are young and you let them run around without parenting them. Are you a "kids will be kids" mom? The type who lets them jump on the couch at home? Believes in a child friendly house, which often translates into kids ruling the roost? Then your kids may be more difficult outside the home than you are aware or willing to admit.

[Anonymous]

When they say family size do you think they mean increased possibility for covid exposure? Are your kids vaccinated? Are they in school and mixed with 3-4 classrooms? Are they in activities outside of school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

OMG you are being way over sensitive. You rudely put your friend on the spot by even bringing it up and they had to tell you something in response. Maybe they were just tired after a long week and didn’t want to deal with 6 more guests. Maybe one of your kids has been a jerk to one of their kids and they’re keeping their distance. It doesn’t matter. It was one stupid football game and you are acting like an entitled brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? If you have 4 and everyone else has 1 or 2 this makes sense. Sorry, that’s the reality of having a big family.

Because OP has 2 extra kids they can’t join? That makes no sense if there are already a bunch of other kids there.

Look this is watching a game indoors. Space matters. They can invite OP’s family if 6 or two families of 3. It is what it is.

It was an outdoor watch party. We have four kids, including a set of twins. I get that our family is too large for casual socializing, but for
“Family” to say we are too large of a family for them hurts.

If you get so “hurt” over them “letting you down” *one time in 18 years* of friendship, then I hope for their sake that you give them some space for a while. How ungrateful, for you to repay 18 years of friendship with being this entitled and pouty over ONE time that you weren’t invited. One time. In 18 years.

I was thinking about this and the more I think about it I actually think it's more hurtful to not be included one or two times when you are included every single time than it is to be included say half the time and the other half you're not. The reason I say this is because it changes the usual statues quo of always being invited every single time for 18 years and then after 18 years it...stops. It makes you stop and think why all of a sudden after 18 years am I not invited. As opposed to being invited her and there you are used to that and assume that as the status quo.

They told you. It's your kids. But they told you nicely, by saying too many kids instead of saying they were sick of their behaviour, or the lack of oversight, or whatever the actual issue is. People can like or love someone's kids and still be tired of dealing with them. Ask many grandparents/aunts/uncles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

Yes, dear. Let’s walk you through this slowly.

Normal times = the more the merrier.

PANDEMIC TIMES = we limit the amount of people in our gatherings, especially when it comes to unvaccinated kids. Smaller gatherings are preferred.

Do.
You.
Get.
That.
This.
Is.
A.
Global.
Pandemic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

OMG you are being way over sensitive. You rudely put your friend on the spot by even bringing it up and they had to tell you something in response. Maybe they were just tired after a long week and didn’t want to deal with 6 more guests. Maybe one of your kids has been a jerk to one of their kids and they’re keeping their distance. It doesn’t matter. It was one stupid football game and you are acting like an entitled brat.

No kidding! Making lasagna, salad and garlic bread for a casual family gathering of, say, 6 people is one thing. I can handle that, even after a really busy week.

Adding six more bodies to the mix requires an entire extra lasagna, etc. No, thanks; not always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

OP, I feel like people here are being needlessly mean. Maybe they don’t have any friends or family regardless, or anyone to invite them places.

You have a right to feel hurt and I’m sorry you feel hurt. But I would suggest not overthinking this one event or letting it color future interactions. Continue to get together with them for holidays and other things. Probing them on their reason for not inviting you or acting cool towards them would be equivalent to cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And, four kids is hard! Especially if some of your kids are much younger than theirs. Maybe they wanted an “easy” event without a ton of unsupervised little kids running around. And no matter how much you and your DH try to supervise, you won’t be able to keep all four in check at all times. As your kids get older, it will be better.

[Anonymous]

^ Also wanted to say that the pandemic might be another reason too. Pre-pandemic, we would regularly have gatherings with 5-6 families in the same “group” but since then, we’ve limited it to 1-2 families at a time so that we don’t accidentally host a super-spreader event!