Friends who are family until they’re not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

OP, I feel like people here are being needlessly mean. Maybe they don’t have any friends or family regardless, or anyone to invite them places.

You have a right to feel hurt and I’m sorry you feel hurt. But I would suggest not overthinking this one event or letting it color future interactions. Continue to get together with them for holidays and other things. Probing them on their reason for not inviting you or acting cool towards them would be equivalent to cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And, four kids is hard! Especially if some of your kids are much younger than theirs. Maybe they wanted an “easy” event without a ton of unsupervised little kids running around. And no matter how much you and your DH try to supervise, you won’t be able to keep all four in check at all times. As your kids get older, it will be better.

Nobody is being needlessly mean. They're just telling OP things she doesn't want to hear, which has been clear from her continued postings. She has a right to her feellings, not a right to feel hurt. You are just restating what has already been said for several pages.

[Anonymous]

I have learned to be extremely suspicious of people who throw the word "family" around a lot, especially early in a relationship. I have known too many people who are eager to be part of my "chosen family" when it is convenient for them, and especially when they are clearly in need of a sense of belonging.

I had a number of friends who wanted to be part of my family or said we were "like family" when I was in a very fortunate stage in my life -- had a great job, getting married, having a baby, lots of events and celebrations to be a part of. They really loved feeling like they were part of my inner circle during that time and I fell for it, assuming this was genuine affection for me and my family.

Most of those people were not interested in being "like family" when I went through some tough times more recently. In fact, I was hard pressed to find someone to talk to about my difficulties and when I did, they often were not terribly good listeners or empathetic. Turns out they didn't care about me so much as they cared about how being around my good fortune made them feel.

Ironically, this is pretty much what my family of origin is like, too. But I don't need more people in my life who ignore my needs while demanding I attend to theirs. I have plenty!

My "chosen family" is my husband and my children, and two friends I've known for over two decades who I'd do just about anything for and who have proven they would do anything for me. Family stands the test of time and tragedy. Everyone else is a tourist.

[Anonymous]

I, too, am sorry you feel bad, but you cannot expect to be invited to everything they host. You being family/not family doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even being family doesn’t mean you get invited to everything.

Correct.

Np does anyone remember sking older sister who wanted yo ski with two of four sisters and get permission to exclude yhe third sister because of her many kids? That WAS family and people ypd that op it was totally cool

Sorry op but your friends aren't obligatedto invite you to every single event..

[Anonymous]

OP how old are your kids?

How old are your friends kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- I feel like people are missing the important point that we were excluded supposedly due to our family size. For friends who are family to do that, it’s like my mom saying that we have too many kids to host us for Christmas or something. It just makes it a stark message of being criticized and suddenly unwelcome.

Except it wasn't your mom refusing to host her grandchildren on Christmas morning, it was close friends who failed to invite you over to watch a football game. Do you really not see the difference? Especially during a global pandemic?

And if watching the game together was so important to you, why didn't you host? Did you watch the game? Did you watch the game as a family without inviting those other people? What were you thinking when you did that? Probably nothing, because it's not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have learned to be extremely suspicious of people who throw the word "family" around a lot, especially early in a relationship. I have known too many people who are eager to be part of my "chosen family" when it is convenient for them, and especially when they are clearly in need of a sense of belonging.

I had a number of friends who wanted to be part of my family or said we were "like family" when I was in a very fortunate stage in my life -- had a great job, getting married, having a baby, lots of events and celebrations to be a part of. They really loved feeling like they were part of my inner circle during that time and I fell for it, assuming this was genuine affection for me and my family.

Most of those people were not interested in being "like family" when I went through some tough times more recently. In fact, I was hard pressed to find someone to talk to about my difficulties and when I did, they often were not terribly good listeners or empathetic. Turns out they didn't care about me so much as they cared about how being around my good fortune made them feel.

Ironically, this is pretty much what my family of origin is like, too. But I don't need more people in my life who ignore my needs while demanding I attend to theirs. I have plenty!

My "chosen family" is my husband and my children, and two friends I've known for over two decades who I'd do just about anything for and who have proven they would do anything for me. Family stands the test of time and tragedy. Everyone else is a tourist.

Totally. Thank you for this. People are friends who are family when we bought a big house, hosted elaborate parties, and were generally a ton of fun with cute little babies.
There are less “family” when things got hard during the pandemic. -op

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, OP: You host infrequently, but expect to show up each and every time with six extra mouths for them to feed, and four kids to run around and be loud and mess up their house?

You should host more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? If you have 4 and everyone else has 1 or 2 this makes sense. Sorry, that’s the reality of having a big family.

Because OP has 2 extra kids they can’t join? That makes no sense if there are already a bunch of other kids there.

Look this is watching a game indoors. Space matters. They can invite OP’s family if 6 or two families of 3. It is what it is.

It was an outdoor watch party. We have four kids, including a set of twins. I get that our family is too large for casual socializing, but for
“Family” to say we are too large of a family for them hurts.

If you get so “hurt” over them “letting you down” *one time in 18 years* of friendship, then I hope for their sake that you give them some space for a while. How ungrateful, for you to repay 18 years of friendship with being this entitled and pouty over ONE time that you weren’t invited. One time. In 18 years.

I was thinking about this and the more I think about it I actually think it's more hurtful to not be included one or two times when you are included every single time than it is to be included say half the time and the other half you're not. The reason I say this is because it changes the usual statues quo of always being invited every single time for 18 years and then after 18 years it...stops. It makes you stop and think why all of a sudden after 18 years am I not invited. As opposed to being invited her and there you are used to that and assume that as the status quo.

You actually don’t know if there were other events to which you were not invited. Maybe you didn’t find out about other things through social media.
Also, you say that it’s one thing after 18 years, then you say they haven’t been good to you through the pandemic. Which is it? I’m sorry your feelings are hurt, but it sounds like you overreacting and reshaping history to suit the narrative in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have learned to be extremely suspicious of people who throw the word "family" around a lot, especially early in a relationship. I have known too many people who are eager to be part of my "chosen family" when it is convenient for them, and especially when they are clearly in need of a sense of belonging.

I had a number of friends who wanted to be part of my family or said we were "like family" when I was in a very fortunate stage in my life -- had a great job, getting married, having a baby, lots of events and celebrations to be a part of. They really loved feeling like they were part of my inner circle during that time and I fell for it, assuming this was genuine affection for me and my family.

Most of those people were not interested in being "like family" when I went through some tough times more recently. In fact, I was hard pressed to find someone to talk to about my difficulties and when I did, they often were not terribly good listeners or empathetic. Turns out they didn't care about me so much as they cared about how being around my good fortune made them feel.

Ironically, this is pretty much what my family of origin is like, too. But I don't need more people in my life who ignore my needs while demanding I attend to theirs. I have plenty!

My "chosen family" is my husband and my children, and two friends I've known for over two decades who I'd do just about anything for and who have proven they would do anything for me. Family stands the test of time and tragedy. Everyone else is a tourist.

Totally. Thank you for this. People are friends who are family when we bought a big house, hosted elaborate parties, and were generally a ton of fun with cute little babies.
There are less “family” when things got hard during the pandemic. -op

Except that isn't the case with the OP the OP has been around for 18 years not 2 so try again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many kids do you have? If you have 4 and everyone else has 1 or 2 this makes sense. Sorry, that’s the reality of having a big family.

Because OP has 2 extra kids they can’t join? That makes no sense if there are already a bunch of other kids there.

Look this is watching a game indoors. Space matters. They can invite OP’s family if 6 or two families of 3. It is what it is.

My thoughts exactly. I have 4 kids and am frequently the one that is left out. I get it, esp. since mine are rambunctious.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they wanted to actually watch the game instead of having your 4 kids running around.

They’re not REALLY family. Can you honestly say you have listed them in your will? Do you expect them to do the same to you?

[Anonymous]

Watch your kids. Sounds like they’re ill-behaved and you like to check out during events where other adults are around. Like practically all parents of too many kids.

[Anonymous]

Even if your kids are well-behaved, i wouldn’t expect you to be able to watch the football game — which last forever — because you would be … watching your kids.
Kids get bored watching football and it’s a lot of people to feed.
And, agree with PP, people who use “second family” and “like family” in my life had tended to be the takers as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even being family doesn’t mean you get invited to everything.

NP and dealing with this now! We’re local and our parents and ILs are within 20 minutes of us.

Sometimes, we just want to do things with another couple. Sometimes, we just want to have a get together with our contemporaries or even get to know parents from DC team.

I absolutely hate that my ILs expect (and now just show up) to every sporting event and then expect to be catered to and feted and congratulated.

And, DH invited his parents. I don’t invite mine.