What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

+1000

This is how I know my parent is not “doing the best they can” because all they do is argue and gaslight. Totally self absorbed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

My first born was essentially born with eeyore’s personality. I am the root of all his issues in his mind. I made mistakes I’m sure, but as his younger sister said - he doesn’t own any of his own sh*t ever, and seems to prefer a life of loud desperation

An adult who hasn't stepped up to own their life decisions and mistakes is still living as a child. What good does it do to go into therapy and not feel like you have the power to change your own behavior and life - blaming mom and dad is easy, changing your thinking and habits is hard adulting. I think there are a lot of adults on here who just want to blame other people for their adult problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

My first born was essentially born with eeyore’s personality. I am the root of all his issues in his mind. I made mistakes I’m sure, but as his younger sister said - he doesn’t own any of his own sh*t ever, and seems to prefer a life of loud desperation

An adult who hasn't stepped up to own their life decisions and mistakes is still living as a child. What good does it do to go into therapy and not feel like you have the power to change your own behavior and life - blaming mom and dad is easy, changing your thinking and habits is hard adulting. I think there are a lot of adults on here who just want to blame other people for their adult problems.

What gives you the qualifications to opine on this? I know 100% that you are not a licensed psychologist. Being abused as a child results in adult issues. If you deny that then you are beyond rational discourse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

My first born was essentially born with eeyore’s personality. I am the root of all his issues in his mind. I made mistakes I’m sure, but as his younger sister said - he doesn’t own any of his own sh*t ever, and seems to prefer a life of loud desperation

An adult who hasn't stepped up to own their life decisions and mistakes is still living as a child. What good does it do to go into therapy and not feel like you have the power to change your own behavior and life - blaming mom and dad is easy, changing your thinking and habits is hard adulting. I think there are a lot of adults on here who just want to blame other people for their adult problems.

Fully agree with this. In the absence of abuse, adults do need to move past what they perceive to be shortcomings in their parent’s parenting and move forward with their lives.

I have an acquaintance who believes himself to be brilliant and is still mad at his parents for not sending him to a private school and investing more in his education when he was young because he thinks that he would be successful and making a lot more money now if they had. At some point, if you are blaming your parents for sending you to public school instead of private and you are now in your 30s it’s a you problem not a them problem. If you’re so brilliant why haven’t you done anything in your adult life to indicate that? I’m sorry but having a parent who didn’t show up to every game or a parent who couldn’t afford to send you to a fancy school or a parent who struggled to connect with you as a teen isn’t a trauma. It’s a copout to blame everything you’re going through as an adult on your parents and this line of thinking is becoming all too common

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

+1000

This is how I know my parent is not “doing the best they can” because all they do is argue and gaslight. Totally self absorbed.

+1

[Anonymous]

Meh! I just make sure that they eat something and no Hangry. My kids have always been impossible when they don't eat. Fix them a plate and things get sorted out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

+1000

This is how I know my parent is not “doing the best they can” because all they do is argue and gaslight. Totally self absorbed.

You're the one who's self absorbed. You honestly expect another person to focus solely on you and your needs and concerns and feelings, and not respond with their version? The time for that was when you were an infant. You are an adult now. The other adults count too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

Bingo.

X 1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

+1000

This is how I know my parent is not “doing the best they can” because all they do is argue and gaslight. Totally self absorbed.

You're the one who's self absorbed. You honestly expect another person to focus solely on you and your needs and concerns and feelings, and not respond with their version? The time for that was when you were an infant. You are an adult now. The other adults count too.

Oof. Would not be surprised to find out that all your relationships are in the sh!tter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

This is psychobabble.

+1. My sil has complained to my MIL that her request to have her check in on her weekly after a surgery is “parentification” and that it’s unfair and disrespecting her boundaries. She’s 25. gtfo. SIL loves her therapist but I feel like she’s using therapy to escape any level of responsibility.

Your MIL aaked your SIL to check in on her (MIL) weekly after surgery. Is SIL the child of MIL or married in?

Sounds to me like SIL has trauma and a need to strictly enforce her boundaries, and she's in the right. She's only 25, good for her. Kids are being taught better these days.

“Trauma” has lost all meaning.

"Trauma" is better understood now, to include emotional abuse as well as physical and sexual. This SIL may have very good reasons why she can't cater to MIL's requests. In a caring family, one hardly needs to ask to check in after surgery.

This is what's wrong with you. Exactly what's wrong with you. You're assigning all kinds of defenses to SIL and assigning all kinds of malfeasance to the parents--even though you have zero details on either.

You're destroying this forum with your self-centered whining. Please, respectfully, get a decent therapist (not the one you currently have) and learn about responsibility and adulthood.

Ha, I am hardly the only one here, and you don't know me. I am an adult, and probably better at it than you. Details of story are not enough to make a determination, which is why I said SIL "may have" good reason. It's possible, right? Things we don't know: is it a mother/daughter pair or an IL pair? Who else is in the picture taking care of the MIL? What's the history of the relationship? Etc. It very well could be too burdensome of an "ask" for SIL, depending on the circumstances that we don't know.

I always default to the child's side, or the adult child's side, because it's almost always an issue of abuse/trauma/toxic parenting, which our culture allows and ignores. There are always exceptions, but abuse/trauma and toxic parenting is so common that it's an excellent bet and default position.

Nope. Many times well-meaning parents spoil their kids horribly and raise selfish, entitled brats like SIL and you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

Don't know that you are still reading... but you say you made mistakes like the homeschooling which didn't work for him... So I assume you tried to homeschool him for kindergarten and after a few weeks/months of obvious failure, you sent him to a real school.. right??? Please don't tell me you kept him home with you for a decade plus in some weird dysfunctional failed attempt at homeschooling.... That really would be deeply creepy and abusive.

Also, reading between the lines, sounds like there was much more to this situation of forcing religion on him....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

Don't know that you are still reading... but you say you made mistakes like the homeschooling which didn't work for him... So I assume you tried to homeschool him for kindergarten and after a few weeks/months of obvious failure, you sent him to a real school.. right??? Please don't tell me you kept him home with you for a decade plus in some weird dysfunctional failed attempt at homeschooling.... That really would be deeply creepy and abusive.

Also, reading between the lines, sounds like there was much more to this situation of forcing religion on him....

All parents who are religious "force religion on" their kids. Do you think anyone's kids willingly get out of bed and go to church on Sundays? Or whatever their religion happens to be? Hello, THEY DON'T. We also "force" all kinds of other things on kids, like school, behavior, etc. That's what happens when people raise their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

Don't know that you are still reading... but you say you made mistakes like the homeschooling which didn't work for him... So I assume you tried to homeschool him for kindergarten and after a few weeks/months of obvious failure, you sent him to a real school.. right??? Please don't tell me you kept him home with you for a decade plus in some weird dysfunctional failed attempt at homeschooling.... That really would be deeply creepy and abusive.

Also, reading between the lines, sounds like there was much more to this situation of forcing religion on him....

All parents who are religious "force religion on" their kids. Do you think anyone's kids willingly get out of bed and go to church on Sundays? Or whatever their religion happens to be? Hello, THEY DON'T. We also "force" all kinds of other things on kids, like school, behavior, etc. That's what happens when people raise their kids.

Wow! If the only way you get your kids to do any of this stuff is through force, your parenting abilities are somewhere between awful and non-existent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

Don't know that you are still reading... but you say you made mistakes like the homeschooling which didn't work for him... So I assume you tried to homeschool him for kindergarten and after a few weeks/months of obvious failure, you sent him to a real school.. right??? Please don't tell me you kept him home with you for a decade plus in some weird dysfunctional failed attempt at homeschooling.... That really would be deeply creepy and abusive.

Also, reading between the lines, sounds like there was much more to this situation of forcing religion on him....

All parents who are religious "force religion on" their kids. Do you think anyone's kids willingly get out of bed and go to church on Sundays? Or whatever their religion happens to be? Hello, THEY DON'T. We also "force" all kinds of other things on kids, like school, behavior, etc. That's what happens when people raise their kids.

Wow! If the only way you get your kids to do any of this stuff is through force, your parenting abilities are somewhere between awful and non-existent!

LOL do you know any kids? Any families who go to church? Do you REALLY think the kids want to be there? What a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

Don't know that you are still reading... but you say you made mistakes like the homeschooling which didn't work for him... So I assume you tried to homeschool him for kindergarten and after a few weeks/months of obvious failure, you sent him to a real school.. right??? Please don't tell me you kept him home with you for a decade plus in some weird dysfunctional failed attempt at homeschooling.... That really would be deeply creepy and abusive.

Also, reading between the lines, sounds like there was much more to this situation of forcing religion on him....

All parents who are religious "force religion on" their kids. Do you think anyone's kids willingly get out of bed and go to church on Sundays? Or whatever their religion happens to be? Hello, THEY DON'T. We also "force" all kinds of other things on kids, like school, behavior, etc. That's what happens when people raise their kids.

Wow! If the only way you get your kids to do any of this stuff is through force, your parenting abilities are somewhere between awful and non-existent!

LOL do you know any kids? Any families who go to church? Do you REALLY think the kids want to be there? What a joke.

DP. My kids were happy to go to church. You're the joke.