What do you do when your adult child goes into therapy and lays blame at your feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

IME, people come to this understanding when they have children of their own. Every person I know who wasn’t physically abused and can’t forgive their parents for the parenting mistakes made during their childhood does not have children. Raising children is very humbling.

After you children are grown and raised, it's humbling to know that all your mistakes didn't ruin them and all of you best efforts didn't make them perfect humans. They are flawed humans! Just like mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

IME, people come to this understanding when they have children of their own. Every person I know who wasn’t physically abused and can’t forgive their parents for the parenting mistakes made during their childhood does not have children. Raising children is very humbling.

Or maybe they didn't have children and can't forgive their parents because the emotional and verbal abuse was so bad that they are still processing it all and afraid of not being able to break the cycle. Plenty of abused people (and yes that includes emotional) are afraid to have children because of how damaged they were by their own parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

IME, people come to this understanding when they have children of their own. Every person I know who wasn’t physically abused and can’t forgive their parents for the parenting mistakes made during their childhood does not have children. Raising children is very humbling.

Or maybe they didn't have children and can't forgive their parents because the emotional and verbal abuse was so bad that they are still processing it all and afraid of not being able to break the cycle. Plenty of abused people (and yes that includes emotional) are afraid to have children because of how damaged they were by their own parents.

In which case you have no way of grasping pp’s point.

[Anonymous]

A lot of parents on this thread seem to have this visceral fear of taking accountability and so lash out instead. I feel like if you truly felt at peace with how you parented, you would be much less angry about adult childrens' criticisms of their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of parents on this thread seem to have this visceral fear of taking accountability and so lash out instead. I feel like if you truly felt at peace with how you parented, you would be much less angry about adult childrens' criticisms of their parents.

I’m sorry, but you seem like the angry one here, lashing out at parents when often you don’t even have facts from a poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I never said DS ruined my life as a mother, just that he was challenging because he was not an easy baby and was a rebellious teenager and young adult. I wonder if it's his nature and no amount of therapy will change it so maybe we're not the cause of his unhappiness.

No wonder he has issues. You had one job: raise the child you had. What mother blames a child's personality or temperament as the reason for his unhappiness. As a homeschooling parent, you had double the time with him than most parents get. You missed an opportunity to help him learn to navigate life. You prioritized your spouse and easy kids over him, the one who needed your unconditional love the most. Honestly, if he gets through the thereputic process and still wants a relationship with you, you shoukd fall to your knees and thank your god.

How do you know this? She could have had many jobs. Just because she didn't mention it doesn't mean she wasn't working or helping out other family members.

As a parent, what is more pressing, more important than raising your kid? Childhood is precious and, if as a parent, you eff it up, your child pays the price in adulthood. If you aren't up to the task of raising a child into a well adjusted, secure adult, don't have kids.

This is purely a 21st century thing. I am not saying raising your kid isn't important BUT most people have to have jobs to raise their kids and all parents today were raised by imperfect parents who were also working and trying to do their best. It isn't a all or nothing thing having kids. You sound like a very black and white thinker.

My mom had a sick husband, a mom that needed her , a jjob and three kids. Plus she had her own needs as well. Moms/Dads are not robots.

IME, people come to this understanding when they have children of their own. Every person I know who wasn’t physically abused and can’t forgive their parents for the parenting mistakes made during their childhood does not have children. Raising children is very humbling.

Some others come to an opposite understanding when they have children of their own -- that how their parents treated them was abusive and unacceptable. Abused children often grow up thinking they were deserving of abuse. It takes parentibg their own innocent kids to see that children are never deserving of abuse. Raising children is enlightening.

Well put, pp. When I was first pregnant with my son, I couldn't understand how a parent could ever harm their own child. I asked my parents how they could've hit me with slapping, belts, etc. They had no good answers for me. My child is now 15 and I have never struck him, yelled at him nor said cruel words to him. My parents taught me what not to do.

Please re-read — pp specifically excluded people who were physically abused. We have no reason to believe that OP abused their child. Lots of people here project their own abusive upbringing on everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of parents on this thread seem to have this visceral fear of taking accountability and so lash out instead. I feel like if you truly felt at peace with how you parented, you would be much less angry about adult childrens' criticisms of their parents.

I’m sorry, but you seem like the angry one here, lashing out at parents when often you don’t even have facts from a poster.

No, I'm not angry at all. I'm aware that sometimes tone is easily misinterpreted online, but I really feel no anger toward any of these posters. And when somebody says "well f**k you too" after hearing that the bare minimum for parenting (food and shelter) isn't necessarily enough to avoid harming your children, it's safe to say they are angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Making someone's life better than your own doesn't necessarily mean they had a GOOD life. If you were beaten twice a day and you only beat your child once a week, you still beat your child, you see?

Saying "I'm sorry if I contributed to your unhappiness...." is not a real apology. It's the word "if" that's the problem. You need to change it to the word "that".

But lets review what he's saying: his parents were fighting, you wouldn't let him be an independent thinker regarding religion, and on top of all that, he was isolated via homeschooling. Yeah, who wouldn't be upset by all that?!

This is a little harsh. Everyone is doing the best they can. I can agree with the apology without an "if" but no need to pile on the OP. OP, I'm sorry. I am someone who went to therapy and thought that a lot of issues were caused by my parents (and honestly? I have fantastic parents, but no one is perfect). Once I had my own kid this past year, I can only imagine the random ways I could possibly screw up my 1 year old in future years. I'm just going to do the absolute best I can to not. But as a parent, I get it now. Don't beat yourself up over it, and just do what you need to do to move forward to try and have a great relationship with you son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of parents on this thread seem to have this visceral fear of taking accountability and so lash out instead. I feel like if you truly felt at peace with how you parented, you would be much less angry about adult childrens' criticisms of their parents.

There is a huge difference between taking criticism in stride and letting your adult child blame you for every problem they have as an adult. An adult who flunks college, loses jobs and gets divorced has got to own their own sh*t before they can get better. Not blame mom and daddy, that's a cop-out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me too. I was the one who sent my kid to therapy when she was sad. Of course, I felt furious BUT I realized that whatever my kid was feeling was the way she internalized her issues.

Once I apologized to her (in front of her therapist), cried and told her that I will be hands-off to her going forward....then the onus was on the therapist and her to resolve her issues.

I found that DD was now in charge of her decisions and could not blame me any longer and it was freeing. The therapist was also responsible in giving her guidance and to keep her responsible. . And the best part is that the therapist would say the same things that I used to say. After a few years, my DD came back to me telling me how great of a parent I was and how lucky she was to be raised by us, and the therapist is also full of praise for us. LOL

Let this go, OP. Tell them you are sorry and that you will be hands-off. When they are spiralling, insist they talk to the therapist. When you remove yourself from telling them what to do, your kids do not have you to blame for their laziness, inaction, disorganization, complacency, failures. And they wake up and do the right thing.

Don't let your feelings distract yourself from the real issue - you want your kids to do well and thrive. Once they are in the right path, they will be very thankful to you. You just let it go.

Holy sh**. No wonder your daughter has issues stemming from your parenting.

NP. I’m honestly curious about people like you, who troll websites to make comments like this. What does this do for your self-esteem? Does this cover up your own insecurities? Do you just get a charge out of feeling clever? I’m asking seriously. It just seems like such a waste of your time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

My first born was essentially born with eeyore’s personality. I am the root of all his issues in his mind. I made mistakes I’m sure, but as his younger sister said - he doesn’t own any of his own sh*t ever, and seems to prefer a life of loud desperation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is in pain and he is expressing it and you want to make it go away with a quick "I'm sorry if I anything I did contributed to your unhappiness."

Obviously that is not going to be satisfying for your son! He doesn't want a throwaway non-apology, he wants you to listen and validate his feelings. Why not actually talk it through with him, admit that you made mistakes (specific, not a general "sorry if I made some mistakes") and explain why you did the things you did? Not to make it go away, but so he can see you that you actually care.

I don't think he has doubts that we care. I will admit somethings were mistakes, like homeschooling - it didn't work for him, he fought it. Other things like church were not a mistake even though he doesn't attend church now. The opportunity to go to college was not a mistake. He didn't like it and his grades weren’t good, but he had the chance to try it, but dropped out. Our marriage was challenging and I wish we hid it better from the kids. We did the best we knew at the time. If these are the worse things we did, we should be forgiven.

My friend and his wife hid their challenging marriage from the kids. When my friend left her (and should have), the kids were so blindsided it was terrible! Either way, you wouldn’t win so don’t beat yourself up over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is always the parents fault and I am not being sarcastic.

Op here, I will say that DH was my most challenging kid. He was headstrong and demanding from the time he was a baby. He was rarely content and cried a lot as a baby. He fought potty training and putting on clothes. I would dress him, he would take it off. If we wanted him do his chores, he would argue about why it was unfair or he shouldn't have to do it - for a much longer time than the chore would take. He dropped out of college and blamed us because shouldn't have made him go in the first place. This is his personality.

Right up until my mother died she would throw in my face how I cried a lot as a baby and never wanted her to rock me. As if I was being mean to her, as if I should apologize for how I was as a BABY and TODDLER. Please do not do this to your son.

I don't think you heard your mother...she was traumatized that baby you couldn't be soothed and you rejected her affection. New mothers are deeply in love with their babies and their emotions are so huge. She was expressing her pain and feelings of failure, that's deep. She talked about it until she died. Wow you missed that signal.

Hard disagree. It's something for the mother to discuss in therapy and friends, not her child. My mom always recounts how I had colic for a year, and how hard that was. But, she never once has related to it as a rejection of her or anything more than a fluke. Which is what it is. I'm sorry to the PP (above you) that you had to bear the brunt of that.

A colicicky baby can give a parent PTSD. It can cause mental health issues. It doesn't just fade in your memory.

My middle child had cough variant asthma my husband refused to treat preventatively. I was so short of sleep taking care of her and her sibling, I came close to committing suicide in my deluded state of mind. A friend must have read it in me, because he was the only person that saved me. And no, there was no affair. He was dealing with a similarly difficult spouse.

[Anonymous]

You apologize and listen. And listen. And apologize. And listen. And love. It’s not your turn to speak. Your kid doesn’t need your opinion or your advice. He needs you to listen and acknowledge his experience as he experienced it. It’s that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of parents on this thread seem to have this visceral fear of taking accountability and so lash out instead. I feel like if you truly felt at peace with how you parented, you would be much less angry about adult childrens' criticisms of their parents.

I’m sorry, but you seem like the angry one here, lashing out at parents when often you don’t even have facts from a poster.

No, I'm not angry at all. I'm aware that sometimes tone is easily misinterpreted online, but I really feel no anger toward any of these posters. And when somebody says "well f**k you too" after hearing that the bare minimum for parenting (food and shelter) isn't necessarily enough to avoid harming your children, it's safe to say they are angry.

Nailed it. The angry parents are so defensive. Gee, wonder why?