How to handle this with DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

Good luck to you OP, this attitude- not the money itself — is really going to put a gigantic dent in your relationship with your daughter. Hope your new DH is worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were legal immigrants here and we had absolutely nothing. I picked the college I wanted, the city I wanted, and when I got in, I went to that college. I worked, I borrowed money under my name, and got grants and scholarships and whatever I could scrape. I had a ton of loans but I’m paying them off.

Your daughter isn’t unhappy that DH isn’t paying for her, deep down she’s unhappy because by your actions and words you are forcing her to pick going to a college she doesn’t want to go. Young people don’t get the impact of loans, but they’re young, let them choose their path and you gave your advice. You should simply say pick the school you want, I’ll contribute what I can, ans the rest will be loans you’ll have to pay. Support her on her decision. Stop focusing on the step family and telling her to go to UMD. She wants a fun college a great name college a place she’s be proud and happy at. Give your advice about loans ans then let her go forth with that decision.

The difference here is that because it sounds like your parents did not have that much money, you probably qualify for grants and scholarships and loans. The daughter and the situation has been screwed over by the mothers remarriage. Most colleges particularly private colleges will factor in the stepfather’s assets. If he didn’t exist, she’d probably get a lot of aid. But now she has the worst of both worlds. He does exist, he does have a lot of money, which will screw her out of most colleges financial aid, but he’s not willing to pay for her college education.

I have thought about this a lot because I have a net worth around three million and I’m dating someone with two teenage daughters. My boyfriend is well educated but is not in a high-paying job. Same for their mother. Without me in the picture, they should qualify for a lot of aid. Well, at least some aid. I’m not willing to shell out $600,000 for their kids to go to college. So my feeling is I either need to not marry him until they are out of college, or help pay for their education if I screw over their financial aid prospects by being married to their dad.

This is what I’ve been able to glean from random googling about financial aid and stepparents, anyway. I think with state schools you can often get away with not putting the stepparent on the form, but with most private colleges, they are going to ask for the stepparents assets apparently especially if the stepparent lives in the household where the kid lives most of the time.

If anyone knows differently, please fill me in, because I would love to marry their father, and not have my assets count towards their financial aid forms. But they’re not my kids, I didn’t raise them, we have a good relationship but I doubt they will take care of me in my old age, etc., so I really need to save that $600,000 for my own retirement. But if that’s my feeling, I’m pretty sure my solution needs to be to not marry him at this point. Or at least until they apply to college and we figure out where they are going. If they go to state school, no big deal, I don’t mind throwing in 10,000 or so a year to help them graduate without loans or with minimal loans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

So, you got married for the stable roof over your head basically, and you work low paying job, KNOWING your DD needs a hell of a lot more than 30k to go to ANY college. I think you make poor financial and marital decisions.

Let's look at financial - do you even know how much aid DD could get from these schools? Have you used schools net cost calculators on their websites? Spoken to financial aid there? Looked over FAFSA? Done anything but lay on your back and say go to UMD? Gone to scholarships.com or scholarships360.org and start writing essays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

She is jealous and better, she feels let down by you and by her father, and she feels like a second-class citizen in your home. I understand you don’t expect your new husband to pay for her college, but it’s hard to know what you can say to your daughter to make her not feel jealous and resentful. Maybe this requires a consultation with a therapist who specializes in adolescents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

Of course she is welcome to live here during the summer or school breaks. When did I say she wasn’t?? I’m not “washing my hands” I’m trying to get her to see that 30k is a good deal if the way towards paying for UMD.

You don’t think it’s entitled that she expects more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you keep finances separate -I assume you also file taxes separately - why not apply for financial aid based on your and the ex's income? The $$$ school might have a ton of need-based aid your daughter may qualify for.

No need to dash her dreams until all avenues have been explored.

You don’t understand taxes nor do you understand FASFA.

You're right; it's been decades since i completed a FAFSA.
What if OP gives primary custody to the ex? Would financial aid be based solely on his income?

She would have to live with her deadbeat dad or her mom needs to get a separation.

[Anonymous]

18:59, absolutely do not marry your boyfriend until his kids are set with college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

But the problem is that most colleges financial aid offices won’t see your finances as separate. They will include your husband’s assets in their calculations, and that will mean that she will not get financial aid because of his income and assets. Whereas if you weren’t remarried, she might get financial aid. She really is getting screwed over in this situation. You can’t expect her to not be bitter about this. Her stepfather is preventing her from getting financial aid, yet won’t provide for the same college education he gave his own daughters. Of course she’s not feeling lovey-dovey towards them!

[Anonymous]

If your husband has the kind of money to make large donations to the school, its kinda crappy he isn't offering to help pay for your daughter's education and I could see why she's upset she is treated differently. However, it is what it is and she'll have to take loans or go to UMD. I think you should talk to your husband about it and bring up she doesn't feel a part of the family or equal to his kids and you are concerned about how she feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really, really hard. For you and for your daughter. You haven’t said whether you work, OP. Do you? I think the combination of deadbeat dad plus successful stepfather who has kids he takes care of, and also being excluded herself, is a lot for your daughter to deal with. Even if you think there is entitlement in the mix. How much do you have put aside for her education, and how much will she have to take out in loans? Does she have a chance at merit aid or some kind of scholarship for an activity or interest? What kind of school is she interested in? A small liberal arts college, an ivy, or what?

OP here. I do work, in non profit admin. I have a good job but I don’t make a ton. DD and I were on our own for most of her life. She is as 12/almost 13 when I remarried.

I have 30k for her, which I think is pretty good considering the circumstances! I’m proud of that, I don’t care what people on this board say. However it’s a pittance compared to the schools she wants (Williams, Swarthmore, Vassar, Etc.)

My H and I keep our finances separate, especially when it comes to the kids. It’s just the way we’ve always done things.

So, you got married for the stable roof over your head basically, and you work low paying job, KNOWING your DD needs a hell of a lot more than 30k to go to ANY college. I think you make poor financial and marital decisions.

Let's look at financial - do you even know how much aid DD could get from these schools? Have you used schools net cost calculators on their websites? Spoken to financial aid there? Looked over FAFSA? Done anything but lay on your back and say go to UMD? Gone to scholarships.com or scholarships360.org and start writing essays?

Lol, isn’t this something the daughter should be doing???

My god, no wonder my assistants still consider themselves kids at 26. It’s because of parents like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

Of course she is welcome to live here during the summer or school breaks. When did I say she wasn’t?? I’m not “washing my hands” I’m trying to get her to see that 30k is a good deal if the way towards paying for UMD.

You don’t think it’s entitled that she expects more?

You pay for food now. You can’t pay gor goid September-May. Really?

You don’t pay bills what do you need your income for if not to provide for your child.

Girl! You need to suck it up buttercup and continue to support your child for 4 more years.

Why are you fumbling the ball at the goal line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

Of course she is welcome to live here during the summer or school breaks. When did I say she wasn’t?? I’m not “washing my hands” I’m trying to get her to see that 30k is a good deal if the way towards paying for UMD.

You don’t think it’s entitled that she expects more?

Its not about a good deal. A good deal is not $30K. But, the issue is she isn't being treated equally and I can understand how she gets upset at the lack of care he shows for her. It doesn't have to be equal but it should be more than he is doing. It sounds like you are choosing your husband over your daughter. Kids come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is all of this so hard for her to understand? Is she a dolt?

Because she’s a self absorbed brat who feels entitled to her step father’s money. Isn’t it obvious?

It’s funny because usually this board is allll about telling the OP that their parents don’t owe them a dime. Even when the family situations are blatant unfair with elderly parents favoring one bio kid over the other.

But now this man owes his STEP daughter 400k because he married her mother a few years ago? Does not compute.

I’m 1859 with assets dating someone with teenage daughters. I absolutely don’t think he has his stepdaughter 300 or 400 K for college. But it’s possible that the way these things work is that his assets will count against her with regards to grants and subsidized loans. It is something the original poster should’ve thought about before she married this man.

[Anonymous]

I can not believe people are giving the OP, a single mom with a dead beat ex, such a hard time about having saved 30k for in state UMD!!!

That’s so much more than just kids get!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Look, the situation is what it is. She has 30k she can decide what to do with. The rest is up to her. That’s not going to change unless she gets a scholarship.

Mostly, I want to know what to say to her to get her to stop lashing out at her step siblings and my H. I’ve tried talking to her and get nowhere.

So that’s it $30K and you wash your hands. No food, no shelter?

Yea you are a b*tch.

Of course she is welcome to live here during the summer or school breaks. When did I say she wasn’t?? I’m not “washing my hands” I’m trying to get her to see that 30k is a good deal if the way towards paying for UMD.

You don’t think it’s entitled that she expects more?

University of Maryland is $28K a year including room and board.

It's not a good deal. If you weren't married, and she got into a full need school like Williams she'd pay far less than $28K a year, and be able to graduate debt free. Instead, you're setting her up to graduate from a school she likes less, with a ton of debt.