In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thank you guys for the real feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses.

I would not say I parade in his face as the only time I have ever brought him up is regarding something logistical with no other way to explain something. But I hear you.

The 3 times they have been in same place - one was coincidence and other 2 were at kid sport events on my time with the kids.

This is probably more between him and my SO than him and me as we do have a good working relationship.

I can accept that exh will just never acknowledge or be cordial and it is something we have to deal with. And it is something I accept as my responsibility as I decided to be in a relationship with him.

I won't go as far to say AP should not go to things if my exh may be there. Which, honestly right now are few and far between because it is an LDR.

You have a good working relationship because of your kids, not because he likes you or forgives you. Good on him. When your kids are grown he will ghost you more or less. -another child of parents in this situation

PP, how has the ghosting been for you as a child? I have been very cordial to my unfaithful ex, but really intend to largely ghost him after DC2 graduates from HS and ex is no longer legally obligated to pay child support. I will continue to be cordial at graduations, weddings, etc. but don’t see a reason to be in contact otherwise. I have slowly been diminishing our contact as the kids got older and more independent (and after some verbal abuse of me in front of the kids) so the transition doesn’t seem abrupt. But, I worry whether the ruptured relationship will affect the kids. I’d like to think not, and that honest disconnection is better than a fake front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thank you guys for the real feedback.

I must say you are taking it well!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses.

I would not say I parade in his face as the only time I have ever brought him up is regarding something logistical with no other way to explain something. But I hear you.

The 3 times they have been in same place - one was coincidence and other 2 were at kid sport events on my time with the kids.

This is probably more between him and my SO than him and me as we do have a good working relationship.

I can accept that exh will just never acknowledge or be cordial and it is something we have to deal with. And it is something I accept as my responsibility as I decided to be in a relationship with him.

I won't go as far to say AP should not go to things if my exh may be there. Which, honestly right now are few and far between because it is an LDR.

You have a good working relationship because of your kids, not because he likes you or forgives you. Good on him. When your kids are grown he will ghost you more or less. -another child of parents in this situation

PP, how has the ghosting been for you as a child? I have been very cordial to my unfaithful ex, but really intend to largely ghost him after DC2 graduates from HS and ex is no longer legally obligated to pay child support. I will continue to be cordial at graduations, weddings, etc. but don’t see a reason to be in contact otherwise. I have slowly been diminishing our contact as the kids got older and more independent (and after some verbal abuse of me in front of the kids) so the transition doesn’t seem abrupt. But, I worry whether the ruptured relationship will affect the kids. I’d like to think not, and that honest disconnection is better than a fake front.

Not PP but a child in this situation and I agree. Much easier and less stressful to just be separate. If my parents genuinely wanted to see each other that would be different. But the tension of one wanting to, one not wanting to, and one who wants to is always pushing for acceptance of her AP, is a disaster. My mom likes to tell herself the together time is for the kids/grandkids, but actually she's the only one who wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My SO is a good partner and dad and all of the things. His parenting was actually the thing that attracted me first. I would not bring him into the kids lives if I didn’t think he was a good person for them to be around. (Not to parent at all, I mean as they get older.) And yes I know that the way we started can consider that null. But I know I am also a great mom and not a bad person.

I’ll just drop any expectations I have of exh re so. I’ve had to swallow a lot of things he has done that I see as detrimental to the kids but I understand he is under no obligation to be cordial himself to so.

PP with the cheating mom here, my parents are like that too. They are ok at larger social gatherings and extended family as needed. But they perceive it totally differently. My mom will be like "Wasn't that *fun*! It was so fun to see your dad! I am so glad we all get along. You're welcome, adult children, for my maturity in spending time with the man I cheated on. Let's have dinner together!". And my dad will tolerate it for the sake of the grandkids and leave as soon as they can, and he and his wife will vent to me about it later-- inappropriate, but they do it to make sure I get the message. Same event but totally different perceptions. What seems "pretty good" to you, because that's what you want to believe, might not actually be very good in the eyes of others. And your ex giving the cold shoulder to mentions of your ex is a big tipoff that all is not well.

PP here, that was 100% the vibe I had from the OP. My impression from the initial post is that there is a lot of justification around why it was okay to cheat with the friend. Because the ex-spouse is a good co-parent and is dating that makes everything okay - All’s well that ends well. I absolutely hate the “good person” narrative because I think people use it to justify crappy actions. I’d rather someone say I wasn’t a great parent, I wasn’t a great spouse, I wasn’t a great sibling or friend etc., and I take accountability for those decisions and grew from them than to blow smoke up my a^^ and try to say I’m a great person that sometimes makes mistakes but only when other person isn’t perfect and my mistakes are really for the best and they are way better off that I made them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses.

I would not say I parade in his face as the only time I have ever brought him up is regarding something logistical with no other way to explain something. But I hear you.

The 3 times they have been in same place - one was coincidence and other 2 were at kid sport events on my time with the kids.

This is probably more between him and my SO than him and me as we do have a good working relationship.

I can accept that exh will just never acknowledge or be cordial and it is something we have to deal with. And it is something I accept as my responsibility as I decided to be in a relationship with him.

I won't go as far to say AP should not go to things if my exh may be there. Which, honestly right now are few and far between because it is an LDR.

You have a good working relationship because of your kids, not because he likes you or forgives you. Good on him. When your kids are grown he will ghost you more or less. -another child of parents in this situation

PP, how has the ghosting been for you as a child? I have been very cordial to my unfaithful ex, but really intend to largely ghost him after DC2 graduates from HS and ex is no longer legally obligated to pay child support. I will continue to be cordial at graduations, weddings, etc. but don’t see a reason to be in contact otherwise. I have slowly been diminishing our contact as the kids got older and more independent (and after some verbal abuse of me in front of the kids) so the transition doesn’t seem abrupt. But, I worry whether the ruptured relationship will affect the kids. I’d like to think not, and that honest disconnection is better than a fake front.

I am the PP whose FIL did what OP did (and also had similar expectations of his ex wife). From DHs point of view as an adult, the ghosting was better.

Essentially my DHs adulthood had been a gradually deepening understanding of how badly his father acted and how hurtful his behavior was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses.

I would not say I parade in his face as the only time I have ever brought him up is regarding something logistical with no other way to explain something. But I hear you.

The 3 times they have been in same place - one was coincidence and other 2 were at kid sport events on my time with the kids.

This is probably more between him and my SO than him and me as we do have a good working relationship.

I can accept that exh will just never acknowledge or be cordial and it is something we have to deal with. And it is something I accept as my responsibility as I decided to be in a relationship with him.

I won't go as far to say AP should not go to things if my exh may be there. Which, honestly right now are few and far between because it is an LDR.

You have a good working relationship because of your kids, not because he likes you or forgives you. Good on him. When your kids are grown he will ghost you more or less. -another child of parents in this situation

PP, how has the ghosting been for you as a child? I have been very cordial to my unfaithful ex, but really intend to largely ghost him after DC2 graduates from HS and ex is no longer legally obligated to pay child support. I will continue to be cordial at graduations, weddings, etc. but don’t see a reason to be in contact otherwise. I have slowly been diminishing our contact as the kids got older and more independent (and after some verbal abuse of me in front of the kids) so the transition doesn’t seem abrupt. But, I worry whether the ruptured relationship will affect the kids. I’d like to think not, and that honest disconnection is better than a fake front.

I am the poster you responded to. It is for the best. I just wish my mom would stop saying how she wishes they could still be friends, etc. I flat out tell her that is not happening and I don’t even want it to, and no way in hell am I going to attend mutual gatherings so drama can ensue. They are better apart! I think your plan is good.

[Anonymous]

Op and the AP are morally bankrupt and without good judgement or character. It doesn’t matter what OP and the AP think of each other. They hold each other in high regard because no one else does. The children won’t remember anything except the cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same Op. but here she lied and said that the was not the AP.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/971351.page

First thought that popped in my head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thank you guys for the real feedback.

I must say you are taking it well!

She’s not. She’s playing the “I’m a good person” “tail between my legs” bit and trying to justify her actions and “coordinating” still. Listen up, OP, with all your follow up responses, no one forgets you cheated with a friend of your ex-husbands and are now playing the Disney storybook romance where everyone is so oh so happy for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op and the AP are morally bankrupt and without good judgement or character. It doesn’t matter what OP and the AP think of each other. They hold each other in high regard because no one else does. The children won’t remember anything except the cheating.

Amen! Cheaters are disgusting cowards and they’re in good/miserable company with only each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses.

I would not say I parade in his face as the only time I have ever brought him up is regarding something logistical with no other way to explain something. But I hear you.

The 3 times they have been in same place - one was coincidence and other 2 were at kid sport events on my time with the kids.

This is probably more between him and my SO than him and me as we do have a good working relationship.

I can accept that exh will just never acknowledge or be cordial and it is something we have to deal with. And it is something I accept as my responsibility as I decided to be in a relationship with him.

I won't go as far to say AP should not go to things if my exh may be there. Which, honestly right now are few and far between because it is an LDR.

You have a good working relationship because of your kids, not because he likes you or forgives you. Good on him. When your kids are grown he will ghost you more or less. -another child of parents in this situation

PP, how has the ghosting been for you as a child? I have been very cordial to my unfaithful ex, but really intend to largely ghost him after DC2 graduates from HS and ex is no longer legally obligated to pay child support. I will continue to be cordial at graduations, weddings, etc. but don’t see a reason to be in contact otherwise. I have slowly been diminishing our contact as the kids got older and more independent (and after some verbal abuse of me in front of the kids) so the transition doesn’t seem abrupt. But, I worry whether the ruptured relationship will affect the kids. I’d like to think not, and that honest disconnection is better than a fake front.

I am the PP whose FIL did what OP did (and also had similar expectations of his ex wife). From DHs point of view as an adult, the ghosting was better.

Essentially my DHs adulthood had been a gradually deepening understanding of how badly his father acted and how hurtful his behavior was.

Good to see that a husband actually sees what happened to his mom. It seems like men can just move on and not care. This seems a bit unusual to me that your husband was able to see the truth of it.

[Anonymous]

What a revolving door for your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op and the AP are morally bankrupt and without good judgement or character. It doesn’t matter what OP and the AP think of each other. They hold each other in high regard because no one else does. The children won’t remember anything except the cheating.

Can she ever be forgiven for bad judgement? For her affair? Can her ex husband move on or is she permanently, forever “morally bankrupt” from his pov? What if she is objectively good in many other ways?

[Anonymous]

You burned him big time with marriage. You cheated on him and were horrible to him. You have no right to judge him. You are the reason why he's struggling with relationships. Its hard to trust again after your spouse cheats on you.