In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been thinking about this thread and your responses...I'm not sure if you're still reading, I'd like to offer my perspective as a former AP.

My husband and I are still together. After my affair, I dove deep and worked hard on myself to determine why I thought my choices were okay, and why I made the decision to do things that hurt other people. Those deep dives were in no way easy or quick. It is no picnic to look in the mirror and know you're the bad guy in the situation. But I faced this fact and took responsibility for my choices. My H saw what I was doing and tentatively gave me a second chance. We moved forward from there.

I fully understand that even now, ten plus years later, my past actions still hurt him. He will never be the same and that is my fault. I have changed and our relationship has changed but I recognize things that will trigger him and actively look not to do those things. Not to avoid the issue, but to not further hurt him. A betrayal of this nature is not a small thing and never truly goes away. For a time, I did not have his back. Now I strive to always have his back.

I feel that in your situation you think because you and your husband divorced, the affair is in the past. Just because you divorced, that does not mean you are without culpability. You made choices that hurt your husband and I suspect you never did the work to find out why. Even if your relationship was close to finished, you disrespected your husband, your marriage, yourself. Why?

And what posters here are responding to is that you continue to disrespect your former husband, the father of your children. He may be past your affair but the pain will always be there. I have seen the pain an affair causes on a person up close and if I could take that pain away from my husband I would in a second. But I was selfish and self-centered and terrible. And you continue to be selfish and self-centered by expecting your xH to accept your former AP as your partner. Can you not see how that is a continuing disrespect to him as a person? As someone you loved and had a family with?

I hope you can look inward and take stock of your current choices and actions and what consequences could come of them. I'm not going to tell you what to do, but just to look beyond yourself. Good luck.

I'm not the OP of the thread. But what's strange to me about this PP's post is, why would you ever have an affair if you had a shred of love left for your DH, enough that you'd want to stay with him? I think most women, myself included, who get to the point of having an affair are DONE with their husband and permanently turned off by him but just don't want to break up their children's home. I think the fact that PP apparently still had love for her DH and cheated on him anyway makes her far more sociopathic and unethical, regardless of whatever therapy she has since done.

People have complicated, motivations, often coming from the past, or present, that even they don't understand sometimes but the motivations still have a huge influence on behavior and can drive affair behavior. Many factors can come together to make someone vulnerable to an affair. Her post reflected genuine remorse, empathy and sadness/shame. Hardly the emotional touchpoints you see in sociopathy. Sociopaths don't feel any of those things, during or after their betrayals. Save the judgment for the real bottom feeders. That pp is not one.

[Anonymous]

Adultery and affair behavior can I believe, run in families, and it is not uncommon to find that one's parents history of adultery can raise the odds of the same happening many years later in the adult child. It can happen even when a person has no conscious awareness or confirmation of a parents past affair...and yet somehow it repeats itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adultery and affair behavior can I believe, run in families, and it is not uncommon to find that one's parents history of adultery can raise the odds of the same happening many years later in the adult child. It can happen even when a person has no conscious awareness or confirmation of a parents past affair...and yet somehow it repeats itself.

Same with domestic violence and addictions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adultery and affair behavior can I believe, run in families, and it is not uncommon to find that one's parents history of adultery can raise the odds of the same happening many years later in the adult child. It can happen even when a person has no conscious awareness or confirmation of a parents past affair...and yet somehow it repeats itself.

Same with domestic violence and addictions.

Yeah, these men and women cheaters that say their kids found out, but are doing great now....HAVE NO IDEA. This stuff pops up years, decades later. Often, these children that say they would never do what their parent did repeat the pattern when they have kids that reach the age they were when they experienced that trauma. It's pretty well documented. And, those that don't, often they marry someone like the cheater--and it happens to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not the OP of the thread. But what's strange to me about this PP's post is, why would you ever have an affair if you had a shred of love left for your DH, enough that you'd want to stay with him? I think most women, myself included, who get to the point of having an affair are DONE with their husband and permanently turned off by him but just don't want to break up their children's home. I think the fact that PP apparently still had love for her DH and cheated on him anyway makes her far more sociopathic and unethical, regardless of whatever therapy she has since done.

1. You are a complete coward.
2. You are wrong. Many people who have affairs do it just because they can, and believe they will never get caught.

You claim you are staying for your kids - what you are teaching your kids is that it’s ok if your word means nothing and that it’s ok to lie and cheat. The damage you will inflict on them when your affair is discovered is much worse than if you acted like a mature adult and divorced your husband, or at least told him that you refused to be faithful.

I can't imagine how damaged the kids are or going to be with these horrible parents.

If she stays with AP she shouldn't be allowing him around her kids. Their not even married so it may not last. The former DH sounds like he has various gfs around them as well. Both are irresponsible idiots. My daughters friend had a mother who did something similar. Her kids gossiped to their friends, my daughter told me because I didn't recognize the dad when he answered the door. Also, her kids hated his so it was a big mess. Take note parents your kids tell others everything! My niece told me how their mother broke up a marriage with 3 kids! Told me the entire ugly story!