In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op and the AP are morally bankrupt and without good judgement or character. It doesn’t matter what OP and the AP think of each other. They hold each other in high regard because no one else does. The children won’t remember anything except the cheating.

Can she ever be forgiven for bad judgement? For her affair? Can her ex husband move on or is she permanently, forever “morally bankrupt” from his pov? What if she is objectively good in many other ways?

Forever a sh@t person. This was a marriage (2 marriages!) with kids not a fleeting high school romance.

She’d be a POS in my eyes forever if I were her SIL or exH.

[Anonymous]

As a betrayed spouse, I can say 100% that I would prefer to never interact or be forced to be in the presence of AP. Not at sporting events, not hearing the name in a text.

I am sure time will help heal and dull the pain. But it is incredibly painful, and you and your AP chose willingly, cheerfully, repeatedly, to betray your spouses. His mere presence rubs it in. Already a knife in the gut to your ex to have your kids around such a person.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the fact that your AP/BF was your ex-DH’s friend - that’s a tough one to get over, even if everyone has moved on. It’s just a different level of betrayal. Presumably your DH trusted him, right?

I wouldn’t push it, or address it. Just leave it be out of respect for your ex, who it sounds like you’ve got a decent relationship with now (to his credit).

[Anonymous]

It's a coparenting relationship, not a friendship. If you need to communicate about your current SO vis a vis logistics for the kids, make sure his current gf is copied on the text, since you say that she is polite and will respond. That way, you will know that whatever is needed in terms of logistics for the kids is taken care of.

[Anonymous]

My FIL cheated and then married the AP who was friends and a colleague of both him and MIL. MIL is a patient saint who maintained a good friendship and coparenting relationship with FIL despite all of it, but the one rule is that FIL's replacement wife/AP is not allowed on her properties, and no one brings AP up to her. We go to her home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. and FIL is welcome to come alone if he wants to participate but is not to bring AP/wife, even 20 years later. I think it's more than fair but I let DH handle his family and keep my mouth shut in the discussions.

When we have gatherings at our home or celebrations for our kids, DH has decided that AP/replacement-wife is not welcome if MIL wants to attend out of respect for his mom and to make her comfortable. So OP, that's your future - you and your AP made this bed and your ex has no obligation to hear about, accept, or see it rubbed in his face.

[Anonymous]

OP, every time your exh heads about or sees your AP, he will feel pain, insecurity, humiliation, etc. He just will. Minimize that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL cheated and then married the AP who was friends and a colleague of both him and MIL. MIL is a patient saint who maintained a good friendship and coparenting relationship with FIL despite all of it, but the one rule is that FIL's replacement wife/AP is not allowed on her properties, and no one brings AP up to her. We go to her home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. and FIL is welcome to come alone if he wants to participate but is not to bring AP/wife, even 20 years later. I think it's more than fair but I let DH handle his family and keep my mouth shut in the discussions.

When we have gatherings at our home or celebrations for our kids, DH has decided that AP/replacement-wife is not welcome if MIL wants to attend out of respect for his mom and to make her comfortable. So OP, that's your future - you and your AP made this bed and your ex has no obligation to hear about, accept, or see it rubbed in his face.

Good for your husband that he has maintained boundaries and that mother's feelings come first. Your MIL is a saint: still allowing your FIL to come to her house for Thanksgiving is not easy I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

I see all of the points here and it’s made me think. - op

[Anonymous]

OP, why do you even need to mention your AP? If you have a schedule issue, you don't always have to explain it or give a reason. It might be easier for everyone if you just said "X date won't work for me", which is true enough, without making it about your AP and implying that anyone should care about your AP's schedule or your activities with him? It just feels like you are rubbing it in your ex's face, or trying to acclimatize your ex to exposure to your AP over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses.

I would not say I parade in his face as the only time I have ever brought him up is regarding something logistical with no other way to explain something. But I hear you.

The 3 times they have been in same place - one was coincidence and other 2 were at kid sport events on my time with the kids.

This is probably more between him and my SO than him and me as we do have a good working relationship.

I can accept that exh will just never acknowledge or be cordial and it is something we have to deal with. And it is something I accept as my responsibility as I decided to be in a relationship with him.

I won't go as far to say AP should not go to things if my exh may be there. Which, honestly right now are few and far between because it is an LDR.

You have a good working relationship because of your kids, not because he likes you or forgives you. Good on him. When your kids are grown he will ghost you more or less. -another child of parents in this situation

PP, how has the ghosting been for you as a child? I have been very cordial to my unfaithful ex, but really intend to largely ghost him after DC2 graduates from HS and ex is no longer legally obligated to pay child support. I will continue to be cordial at graduations, weddings, etc. but don’t see a reason to be in contact otherwise. I have slowly been diminishing our contact as the kids got older and more independent (and after some verbal abuse of me in front of the kids) so the transition doesn’t seem abrupt. But, I worry whether the ruptured relationship will affect the kids. I’d like to think not, and that honest disconnection is better than a fake front.

I am the PP whose FIL did what OP did (and also had similar expectations of his ex wife). From DHs point of view as an adult, the ghosting was better.

Essentially my DHs adulthood had been a gradually deepening understanding of how badly his father acted and how hurtful his behavior was.

How did your DH’s understanding deepen? Did he always know about the affair but didn’t realize the full significance until experiencing his own adult relationships and children? Or did he not learn the full details until more of an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a betrayed spouse, I can say 100% that I would prefer to never interact or be forced to be in the presence of AP. Not at sporting events, not hearing the name in a text.

I am sure time will help heal and dull the pain. But it is incredibly painful, and you and your AP chose willingly, cheerfully, repeatedly, to betray your spouses. His mere presence rubs it in. Already a knife in the gut to your ex to have your kids around such a person.

+1 million

Same here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op and the AP are morally bankrupt and without good judgement or character. It doesn’t matter what OP and the AP think of each other. They hold each other in high regard because no one else does. The children won’t remember anything except the cheating.

Can she ever be forgiven for bad judgement? For her affair? Can her ex husband move on or is she permanently, forever “morally bankrupt” from his pov? What if she is objectively good in many other ways?

Forever a sh@t person. This was a marriage (2 marriages!) with kids not a fleeting high school romance.

She’d be a POS in my eyes forever if I were her SIL or exH.

I suspect that people like this don’t cheat but are horrible in equally or more problematic ways. It’s almost like being faithful is their one virtue so they raise to the highest virtue. Guaranteed that some “forever sh@t people” have been of great service and value to you in life. Guarantee that you have been a great source of pain to some people, or will be before your die.

That said, I don’t know why OP is struggling with the very basic idea that the ex doesn’t want to hang out with a friend who slept with his wife. OP, if someone stole 500k from you, you would never ever want to hang out with them. It’s like that!

[Anonymous]

What do you expect? Your ex-husband is already being kinder and more respectful to you than you deserve.

[Anonymous]

I have to say I feel really bad for your husband that he is co-parenting with someone who does not really comprehend how painful betrayal is and how morally bankrupt cheaters are. How do your kids feel about the AP? My husband had to deal with that and it was really traumatic and damaged him pretty seriously for a long time so do not expect that your kids be welcoming to an AP. Just not ok.

[Anonymous]

Is this a joke?

You are expecting your ex to be cordial to your mutual friend that slept with his wife? I didn't read any of the responses but I am shocked.