Issues with his exwife and how he handles her

[Anonymous]

I have been in a serious relationship for more than 2 years with a man with 3 kids. I also have 3 kids. My exh and I have a pretty good working relationship, can be flexible with time, and I genuinely like his gf and she is great with the kids. I hope they get married (this is his 4th gf the kids have known in 8 years.) There are lot of moving parts between our kids schedules and while it's not perfect, we do our best.

This is very much not the case with my bf and his exwife. She is reactive and controlling, esp when she has any hint that I am involved in plans or whatever. She is very inflexible on the schedule (I get that this is how some divorces are and have a right to be.) But the issue is his lack of wanting to fight with her and how it affects our relationship. I truly love this man. We have known each other for years. But I am reaching my breaking point in terms of boundaries. This is triggered by trying to make plans for the summer and her being difficult and questioning everything. I wish more than anything that she would find a boyfriend but she has no interest in that, apparently.

For the record our kids are all age 12 - 17. Not even that young.

I want to stay in this relationship because overall it is the best one I have never been in. But I can't take much more of feeling like my schedule and summer and plans are being dictated by her, and yes that is on him.

[Anonymous]

How young is their youngest child? After the youngest turns 18, it's done.

[Anonymous]

How long has he been divorced? Were you the OW/AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How young is their youngest child? After the youngest turns 18, it's done.

+1

This. I know it’s tough, but don’t throw away something great when you won’t have to deal with the exwife for much longer. Even once the kid is driving, things should get a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

So true!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been divorced? Were you the OW/AP?

4 years. And no. But we have known each other for long time through the kids. I know her but we were never friends.

[Anonymous]

Just make plans with your kids and leave him out of it. I am sure your kids will like it. Maybe he doesn’t want to vacation with you so he is not fighting his ex; maybe she thrives on conflict and he knows not to engage in a power struggle; maybe his resistance will reflect on his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depending on how he treated her during the marriage/divorce, her behavior might be understandable.

Men who have a "crazy" ex are sometimes the reason she's crazy.

I am an exw. I have been for 8 years. I was def portrayed as 'crazy' the first few years but he got over that. I know how it works. I also know how to be a collaborative non-obstructionist exw and I know when someone isn't being like that. I wouldn't even say it's crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make plans with your kids and leave him out of it. I am sure your kids will like it. Maybe he doesn’t want to vacation with you so he is not fighting his ex; maybe she thrives on conflict and he knows not to engage in a power struggle; maybe his resistance will reflect on his kids.

Yeah much of this doesn't even have to do with the kids but some does. Ex she was set to have the kids a certain time this summer and he tried to confirm with her so we could make plans (he didn't tell her this but I am sure she suspected) and suddenly the dates didn't work for her anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How young is their youngest child? After the youngest turns 18, it's done.

+1

This. I know it’s tough, but don’t throw away something great when you won’t have to deal with the exwife for much longer. Even once the kid is driving, things should get a lot easier.

Thank you. His kids are 12, 14, 17. Mine are generally the same.

[Anonymous]

Everyone brings negatives into a relationship (the details don’t matter). The issue is whether you get enough from the relationship for it to be worth it to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make plans with your kids and leave him out of it. I am sure your kids will like it. Maybe he doesn’t want to vacation with you so he is not fighting his ex; maybe she thrives on conflict and he knows not to engage in a power struggle; maybe his resistance will reflect on his kids.

Yeah much of this doesn't even have to do with the kids but some does. Ex she was set to have the kids a certain time this summer and he tried to confirm with her so we could make plans (he didn't tell her this but I am sure she suspected) and suddenly the dates didn't work for her anymore.

My ex plays a lot of mind games like this (sudden changes just to spite me, but not all the time), so I learned to never rely on him. I make plans but only confirm with him at last minute (made a mistake of telling him in advance recently and now he keeps me hanging).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone brings negatives into a relationship (the details don’t matter). The issue is whether you get enough from the relationship for it to be worth it to you.

That’s true! Not OP - that’s why I don’t want to deal with anyone’s BS, be it a friend or a lover, no thanks. I make my plans and people join if they want/can. If not, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make plans with your kids and leave him out of it. I am sure your kids will like it. Maybe he doesn’t want to vacation with you so he is not fighting his ex; maybe she thrives on conflict and he knows not to engage in a power struggle; maybe his resistance will reflect on his kids.

+1. Just plan your life. When his youngest is 18 you don’t have to deal with her as much. It’s either worth it to you or it isn’t.