In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

[Anonymous]

My marriage was spiraling the drain and I had an affair at the end of it, about 9 years ago, with someone who was a friend of both of ours. It was short lived but even before the affair I knew this person was the one for me. Long story short I got divorced about a year later, ex ap moved away and then he got divorced a few years later. I dated someone for 3 years in that time as well, but ap was always in my head. We are now together in a LDR and have been for more than 2 years.

My exh, with whom I have a very good co-parenting relationship and who is also much happier after our divorce, is very much struggling with this. I get it. In his case, he has had a few serious girlfriends and is now dating someone who is terrific and I truly hope this one sticks. My kids have met 4 of these women, and spent a lot of time with 3, mainly because exh is convinced each one will be his next wife. For the kids I want to have a good relationship with whomever he is with and have done so. The kids see that I do have this with his gf now.

For his part, exh will not acknowledge any communication (texts) from me in which anything about SO is involved, such as logistics and planning. He will not acknowledge or even look at my SO in the few times we have been in the same places. His gf is extremely gracious, however. At some point the kids are going to notice. And yes my SO tries.

I absolutely understand I am not wearing the white hat here. I just want to know if I have any right to expect or hope for anything more from my exh towards my SO/former AP even if just for appearances/comfort for the kids. And no I have never brought it up with him.

I expect some flames but also hope I can get some perspective from people who have BTDT.

[Anonymous]

have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

Of course. As far as exh and I go it is water under the bridge. He's happier. I am happier.

[Anonymous]

Don’t put them in situations together and don’t mention him unless you have to. You are rubbing salt in the wound. It isn’t kind, have some respect for your ex.

[Anonymous]

OP, you’re lucky. Lucky that your ex is a decent co-parent, lucky your affair turned into a genuine relationship, lucky lucky lucky. Most people don’t get that.

So if your ex chooses to be hung up on this minor point, really, it’s no big deal. Lots of spiteful exes do worse things. I’m sure it won’t last forever, and if people notice, so what? You have to live your life.

[Anonymous]

No, you don’t have the right to expect anything else. Keep your SO’s name out of communications and don’t bring him where he will see your Ex any more than strictly necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t put them in situations together and don’t mention him unless you have to. You are rubbing salt in the wound. It isn’t kind, have some respect for your ex.

+1. Just don’t force it right now. It may never be the same - that’s OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

Of course. As far as exh and I go it is water under the bridge. He's happier. I am happier.

well, clearly that’s not true. you’ve created a narrative in your head that minimizes the chaos and betrayal you created at the end of the marriage. you’ve also created the narrative that your marriage was over anyway, which your ex may not share. having an affair within your friend circle (both of you married) is an extremely messy, public, and humiliating way to end a marriage. he’s not over it and never will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

Of course. As far as exh and I go it is water under the bridge. He's happier. I am happier.

May be water under the bridge for you but doesn’t sound the same for him. He got betrayed by you and his friend. And you parade it in his face. That’s a tough one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

Of course. As far as exh and I go it is water under the bridge. He's happier. I am happier.

May be water under the bridge for you but doesn’t sound the same for him. He got betrayed by you and his friend. And you parade it in his face. That’s a tough one.

+1 mo’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

Of course. As far as exh and I go it is water under the bridge. He's happier. I am happier.

IMO it is *never* truly water under the bridge.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re expecting a lot.

Your exH knows you’re dating the AP, that’s enough. I think the trouble is you think you’re entitled to bring him to family events where your exH brings his girlfriend. I don’t think you should. Obviously you’re entitled to do whatever you want, but it’s still not morally okay.

Maybe this will change someday, but for now accept that it’s okay for exH to bring his girlfriend to the Saturday soccer tournament and it’s not okay for you.

[Anonymous]

Out of curiosity, how was the affair handled at the end of your marriage? Were you in counseling and was it discusses? All the stuff about his girlfriends being great and you trying to get along with them, and that he is really happier etc is really all inconsequential to the issue at hand. You cheated with someone that was a friend to both of you and the friend cheated on their spouse as well as betraying the friendship with your husband. Now the people that both broke their vows and betrayed their ex-spouses and friends are together and you are asking can you expect bygones to be bygones.

IMO, the answer is anything that cuts that deep usually doesn’t truly heal unless it is addressed and the person has closure in some way. In my situation, my dad had an affair and while in the affair he wasn’t home, we couldn’t reach him etc. I felt as though he abandoned me. So I can have a great family with my DH, and friends etc, but that hurt and anger is still there and it could manifest itself in ways that I was not even aware of. Trying to be cordial and ignoring it didn’t make it go away. One day years ago we addressed it and my dad took 100% responsibility and apologized and didn’t try to blame other people or make excuses. While it couldn’t change the past it was only in that moment that I was able to let go and move forward. Now in your situation it would be a little self-serving in that you would be looking to make your life easier dating your former ap and ex DH’s friend versus it being about improving your relationship with your ex-DH so that to me makes the road harder.

Bottom line, it isn’t fair to expect your ex-DH to do all the niceties for appearance sake especially when you had no such qualms in the affair or when you got back together with the person knowing that it would hurt your ex. I can’t speak for your ex-DH but I think maybe with time and no pressure and having some sort of closure I could get there because I don’t want to carry around anger. But any bs about past, self-serving pressure etc. would move it from a situation in the past to active gaslighting and showing me things really didn’t change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you’re expecting a lot.

Your exH knows you’re dating the AP, that’s enough. I think the trouble is you think you’re entitled to bring him to family events where your exH brings his girlfriend. I don’t think you should. Obviously you’re entitled to do whatever you want, but it’s still not morally okay.

Maybe this will change someday, but for now accept that it’s okay for exH to bring his girlfriend to the Saturday soccer tournament and it’s not okay for you.

+1 to this too
You guys aren’t equals, sorry OP, some of this is doing time for the crime

[Anonymous]

“I am not wearing the white hat here” = “I’m a terrible person who completely betrayed my spouse and for obvious reasons he is not enabling my loathsome behavior so can others assure me there is some end to the consequences for my decision to resume intentionally humiliating him?”