In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same Op. but here she lied and said that the was not the AP.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/971351.page

Wow. Good find. That's a bit nuts.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been dating someone for over two years and live with him and his kids part time and I have met his ex wife twice. What are you guys doing that this is an issue, your ex and current boyfriend having to spend time together? If you’re the buddy buddy those who spend holidays together or something, that may need to end. You had an affair with this person while you were still married and this person was a mutual friend. You can’t expect your ex to be thrilled about this.

You can expect very basic civil treatment and nothing more. But stop these situations where your ex and current boyfriend are in the same room. It’s just not necessary. My boyfriend sees his ex maybe five times a year in passing, like at school events. You don’t need to spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

Here's something else that might be useful to you. My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants. These are also personality traits that enable an affair. If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants. So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to. And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad. We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together). So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda. I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear. I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband. People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

This is great. Thank you. In general the relationship between me and exh and even me and his parents and my parents is all pretty good. Everyone knows our marriage was not a good one and it’s better that it ended. And we have mutual friends still and are sometimes at same social gatherings. So yes I may have a skewed view of the reality of how modern family-esque things can really be.

I don’t think I’m personality disordered (who does) but I do know I made a huge error in judgement not divorcing first.

My SO is a good partner and dad and all of the things. His parenting was actually the thing that attracted me first. I would not bring him into the kids lives if I didn’t think he was a good person for them to be around. (Not to parent at all, I mean as they get older.) And yes I know that the way we started can consider that null. But I know I am also a great mom and not a bad person.

I’ll just drop any expectations I have of exh re so. I’ve had to swallow a lot of things he has done that I see as detrimental to the kids but I understand he is under no obligation to be cordial himself to so.

[Anonymous]

Op sounds delusional. Wet brain

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same Op. but here she lied and said that the was not the AP.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/971351.page

Wow. Good find. That's a bit nuts.

These two threads have nothing to do with each other, Sherlock. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same Op. but here she lied and said that the was not the AP.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/971351.page

I think you may be on to something

[Anonymous]

You want your exH to be friendly with the guy who was screwing his wife behind his back? A former friend of his? Listen to yourself, women. It's not going to happen. Doesn't work that way with men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

Here's something else that might be useful to you. My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants. These are also personality traits that enable an affair. If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants. So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to. And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad. We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together). So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda. I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear. I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband. People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

This is great. Thank you. In general the relationship between me and exh and even me and his parents and my parents is all pretty good. Everyone knows our marriage was not a good one and it’s better that it ended. And we have mutual friends still and are sometimes at same social gatherings. So yes I may have a skewed view of the reality of how modern family-esque things can really be.

I don’t think I’m personality disordered (who does) but I do know I made a huge error in judgement not divorcing first.

My SO is a good partner and dad and all of the things. His parenting was actually the thing that attracted me first. I would not bring him into the kids lives if I didn’t think he was a good person for them to be around. (Not to parent at all, I mean as they get older.) And yes I know that the way we started can consider that null. But I know I am also a great mom and not a bad person.

I’ll just drop any expectations I have of exh re so. I’ve had to swallow a lot of things he has done that I see as detrimental to the kids but I understand he is under no obligation to be cordial himself to so.

1) He gets to do parenting things his way. You get to do them your way even if he thinks they are detrimental. That is basic divorce. It isn't a favor you are doing him.

2) Being a good parent includes modeling good character, being someone your children can trust, and not subjecting them to a divorce that is messier and more long-term difficult than is necessary. Have you done that? Has your AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

Here's something else that might be useful to you. My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants. These are also personality traits that enable an affair. If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants. So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to. And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad. We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together). So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda. I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear. I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband. People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

This is great. Thank you. In general the relationship between me and exh and even me and his parents and my parents is all pretty good. Everyone knows our marriage was not a good one and it’s better that it ended. And we have mutual friends still and are sometimes at same social gatherings. So yes I may have a skewed view of the reality of how modern family-esque things can really be.

I don’t think I’m personality disordered (who does) but I do know I made a huge error in judgement not divorcing first.

My SO is a good partner and dad and all of the things. His parenting was actually the thing that attracted me first. I would not bring him into the kids lives if I didn’t think he was a good person for them to be around. (Not to parent at all, I mean as they get older.) And yes I know that the way we started can consider that null. But I know I am also a great mom and not a bad person.

I’ll just drop any expectations I have of exh re so. I’ve had to swallow a lot of things he has done that I see as detrimental to the kids but I understand he is under no obligation to be cordial himself to so.

Classic narcissistic manipulation technique. No one in this thread is agreeing with you or feeding into your fantasy so you switch to victim , long-suffering mode to attract some sympathizers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

Here's something else that might be useful to you. My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants. These are also personality traits that enable an affair. If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants. So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to. And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad. We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together). So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda. I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear. I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband. People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

This is great. Thank you. In general the relationship between me and exh and even me and his parents and my parents is all pretty good. Everyone knows our marriage was not a good one and it’s better that it ended. And we have mutual friends still and are sometimes at same social gatherings. So yes I may have a skewed view of the reality of how modern family-esque things can really be.

I don’t think I’m personality disordered (who does) but I do know I made a huge error in judgement not divorcing first.

My SO is a good partner and dad and all of the things. His parenting was actually the thing that attracted me first. I would not bring him into the kids lives if I didn’t think he was a good person for them to be around. (Not to parent at all, I mean as they get older.) And yes I know that the way we started can consider that null. But I know I am also a great mom and not a bad person.

I’ll just drop any expectations I have of exh re so. I’ve had to swallow a lot of things he has done that I see as detrimental to the kids but I understand he is under no obligation to be cordial himself to so.

PP with the cheating mom here, my parents are like that too. They are ok at larger social gatherings and extended family as needed. But they perceive it totally differently. My mom will be like "Wasn't that *fun*! It was so fun to see your dad! I am so glad we all get along. You're welcome, adult children, for my maturity in spending time with the man I cheated on. Let's have dinner together!". And my dad will tolerate it for the sake of the grandkids and leave as soon as they can, and he and his wife will vent to me about it later-- inappropriate, but they do it to make sure I get the message. Same event but totally different perceptions. What seems "pretty good" to you, because that's what you want to believe, might not actually be very good in the eyes of others. And your ex giving the cold shoulder to mentions of your ex is a big tipoff that all is not well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

Here's something else that might be useful to you. My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants. These are also personality traits that enable an affair. If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants. So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to. And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad. We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together). So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda. I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear. I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband. People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

+1

My (very recent) ex is like this. Left for an AP and wants me to be okay with AP. I'm far more upset at ex and am neutral toward AP, but I'm certainly not interested in creating a friendship dynamic. Ex likes to chat about AP as though I'm his sibling and AP is just a fun new GF he happened to meet. Talk about tone-deaf.

The cheaters always want to push a narrative that everyone is okay with everything. I didn't suffocate ex with a pillow when I had the chance, but that doesn't mean everything is acceptable

My marriage was circling the drain, too, and I'd already contemplated leaving even before I found out about AP. The difference is that I tried to fix things and asked for ex to do the same. He chose to have an exit affair instead. That hurts, no matter what. It hurts knowing someone turned their back on you and everything you built and never wanted to fight for it. It was easier to chase the excitement. So it's no wonder seeing and hearing about this person just opens old wounds for your ex.

This. And even if the AP isn't a former friend, it's unrealistic to go straight from "Stranger, I owe you and your marriage no consideration whatsoever" to "Please treat me warmly, let me care for your children, and consider my schedule in planning your life." You can maybe earn your way to that kind of relationship but it's not going to happen automatically or very fast just because you're dating.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same Op. but here she lied and said that the was not the AP.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/971351.page

Dis Tew Much

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel like you are making this all about you, and forgetting that your current relationship aside, this guy is a former friend of his who slept with his wife behind his back. Even if you never saw your AP again, it would be a real stretch to expect your ex to get over that and make nice with him.

[Anonymous]

I married a man whose father did this (had an affair at the supposed "end" of marriage, never understood why his derailed family never wanted a big family gathering). Give it up, OP. Bringing the affair partner to the kids sports events? WTF? Do you want your kids to hate you someday when they realize the position you were putting their father in at those games? Some day they are going to figure out what you made their father endure to watch his own kids play sports. It's unbelievably cruel behavior.

When he was a teen and young adult, my DH believed his dad's gaslighting about how the marriage was actually already over and how his mom was so unreasonable about not wanting to hang out with the affair partner (who FIL eventually married). DH was close to his dad during those years. Then as he aged -- years after the affair and divorce -- he started to see the manipulation and gaslighting for what it was. It permanently changed his relationship with his father.

Tread carefully, OP. Your kids are going to realize what you've done some day, and what you put their father through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just yuck. How selfish of you to bring your AP partner to your kids’ games. You really have no self respect. You had an affair with your husband’s friend and feel like you should some how be excused for this (“water under the bridge”). That’s not how it works OP. I guess once selfish, always selfish. Your husband is a nice guy.

So much this ^. Your AP should not be attending any events involving your kids that your DH wishes to attend. Your ex has no obligation to work around your AP’s schedule, so stop with the “coordination”.

OP, I suggest that you do some serious reading about the complex PTSD that results from a long term affair where the spouse has lied

often over a long period. Your betrayal is complicated by the betrayal of your husband’s former friend. Also read about “betrayal trauma”.

People with complex PTSD often struggle with isolation, flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance, etc. These can last for decades and be triggered by what seems like innocuous situations to others. What is a simple brief meeting with your AP, is not so simple to your Ex.

Frankly, your expectation that your DH tolerate being exposed to your AP reeks of the same kind of narcissism, lack of empathy, and refusal to acknowledge consequences and inauthenticity that enabled you to have an affair in the first place.

BTW, you say you have apologized, but an effective apology requires several components:

1) a full acknowledgement of the wrongs done
2) a demonstration of the adverse consequences of the wring behavior
3) an unqualified expression of remorse for the behavior and adverse impact

and the above must be given without any expectation of the apology being accepted or of “forgiveness” or other expectations that the apologize will ameliorate the relationship.

As you can see people who have affairs rarely can make a proper apology. They 1) fail to engage in full transparency about the affair, 2) exhibit more than a shallow understanding of the negative impact of the affair and even then mostly focus on the impact on themself, and 3) usually demand forgiveness or an improved relationship or shelter from further consequences.