In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does AP boyfriend say about it? Is he complaining or surprised your exH is friendly towards him. Does he say thing like, Tom and I were such good friends. Yes, I did totally betray that friendship by banging his wife behind his back, leading to the breakup of his marriage and now he has to share custody of his kids while knowing I'm still in the picture, replacing him as dad when he doesn't have the kids. But he doesn't have to be a dick about it?.

ExH is actually treating this guy a lot better than he deserves and a lot better than I'd treat him. He's lucky he still has his teeth.

+ 1million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully your children realize that you are an awful human being

Why would you ever hope that? That is awful. I am divorced and my partner's ex wife is convinced we had an affair. We 100% did not - emotional or physical. The ex has told her then tween daughter that her father doesn't love her because he left the marriage and her mother, the ex has said I am a homewrecker, etc. My partner is a very good father and still has a good relationship with his now teen daughter, but it has been hard. My partner's daughter has many scars from "knowing" about an affair that didn't happen and having to wonder who is lying to her. Studies show kids do best when they have two loving parents. Why in the world would you want to alienate one? He can be a good father and not a good spouse.

That said, my ex did cheat on me. He is not with that person anymore, but he is with the person he started dating a week after we separated. My ex and I both have reasons to be hurt and angry by the other, but we have worked hard to what is best for our children, and that is to get along and not bad mouth the other. Again, studies show (I did a lot of research when we separated, shared that research with my ex, and spoke to a child psychologist with my ex so that we could put the children first in the divorce and going forward) that conflict is very damaging for divorced kids. Passive aggressive conflict, such as refusing to speak to the other parent or their partner is noticed by kids and is conflict. You may think you are just respecting yourself, but you are instead showing your kids anger and bitterness. Wouldn't it be better to show forgiveness and maturity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, yiu mentioned therapy but it sounds like yiu really need to dig in there more. You described your affair as “an error in judgment “ and minimize it in every post. It wasn’t an error in judgment, it was a choice (a whole series of choices), and your continuing choices (to date AP, shove him in your ex’s face, etc.), all point to a really selfish decision-making process driven by self-gratification and a lack of remorse or empathy. The lack of remorse is appalling - you and your AP blew up two families, and you don’t recognize the trauma you caused your ex and eventually, your kids. They will turn on you when they find out not only what you did, but especially the position you continue to try and out your ex in. Be better.

This is an excellent summary. OP is still minimizing, still defending, still promoting this narrative that all's well that ends well, and somehow still justifying her decision to raise the AP in conversation with her ex.

Spoiler: You can talk to your ex and not mention the AP.

Instead of: "I'm going to be late picking up Larla because Tim is arriving from out of town."

Try: "I'll be late picking up Larla due to a previous commitment. I'm sorry and will make it up to you!"

[Anonymous]

I love how OP got totally busted for having the previous post where she couldn't even admit to the being the AP, and where she makes it clear that her AP's wife also is not cool with her. And yet she completely dodges that and still cannot see why people have a problem with her. All Star level denial and narcissism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My marriage was spiraling the drain and I had an affair at the end of it, about 9 years ago, with someone who was a friend of both of ours. It was short lived but even before the affair I knew this person was the one for me. Long story short I got divorced about a year later, ex ap moved away and then he got divorced a few years later. I dated someone for 3 years in that time as well, but ap was always in my head. We are now together in a LDR and have been for more than 2 years.

My exh, with whom I have a very good co-parenting relationship and who is also much happier after our divorce, is very much struggling with this. I get it. In his case, he has had a few serious girlfriends and is now dating someone who is terrific and I truly hope this one sticks. My kids have met 4 of these women, and spent a lot of time with 3, mainly because exh is convinced each one will be his next wife. For the kids I want to have a good relationship with whomever he is with and have done so. The kids see that I do have this with his gf now.

For his part, exh will not acknowledge any communication (texts) from me in which anything about SO is involved, such as logistics and planning. He will not acknowledge or even look at my SO in the few times we have been in the same places. His gf is extremely gracious, however. At some point the kids are going to notice. And yes my SO tries.

I absolutely understand I am not wearing the white hat here. I just want to know if I have any right to expect or hope for anything more from my exh towards my SO/former AP even if just for appearances/comfort for the kids. And no I have never brought it up with him.

I expect some flames but also hope I can get some perspective from people who have BTDT.

OP, how many kids do you have with your ex and how old are they? Just trying to figure out if your ex is seeing this as decades of having to deal with your bf, which could be kind of overwhelming (like if your kids are 2, 4, and 6, for example, versus 16 and 18). Does your bf have kids of his own? What about his ex? I assume if you were friends with bf before you were friends with his ex as well? Do you know if she and your ex ever discussed the affair? Sometimes people can wind each other up such that your husband, who sounds pretty gracious by all accounts, gets spun up by your bf's ex? Just spit balling here, trying to help you.

[Anonymous]

The slight, the lies and deception will always be in the back of his mind; it may be water under the bridge but you will never be completely forgiven.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully your children realize that you are an awful human being

Why would you ever hope that? That is awful. I am divorced and my partner's ex wife is convinced we had an affair. We 100% did not - emotional or physical. The ex has told her then tween daughter that her father doesn't love her because he left the marriage and her mother, the ex has said I am a homewrecker, etc. My partner is a very good father and still has a good relationship with his now teen daughter, but it has been hard. My partner's daughter has many scars from "knowing" about an affair that didn't happen and having to wonder who is lying to her. Studies show kids do best when they have two loving parents. Why in the world would you want to alienate one? He can be a good father and not a good spouse.

That said, my ex did cheat on me. He is not with that person anymore, but he is with the person he started dating a week after we separated. My ex and I both have reasons to be hurt and angry by the other, but we have worked hard to what is best for our children, and that is to get along and not bad mouth the other. Again, studies show (I did a lot of research when we separated, shared that research with my ex, and spoke to a child psychologist with my ex so that we could put the children first in the divorce and going forward) that conflict is very damaging for divorced kids. Passive aggressive conflict, such as refusing to speak to the other parent or their partner is noticed by kids and is conflict. You may think you are just respecting yourself, but you are instead showing your kids anger and bitterness. Wouldn't it be better to show forgiveness and maturity?

Depends. Sometimes you haven’t to step away from chumps and refuse them access to your mental space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My marriage was spiraling the drain and I had an affair at the end of it, about 9 years ago, with someone who was a friend of both of ours. It was short lived but even before the affair I knew this person was the one for me. Long story short I got divorced about a year later, ex ap moved away and then he got divorced a few years later. I dated someone for 3 years in that time as well, but ap was always in my head. We are now together in a LDR and have been for more than 2 years.

My exh, with whom I have a very good co-parenting relationship and who is also much happier after our divorce, is very much struggling with this. I get it. In his case, he has had a few serious girlfriends and is now dating someone who is terrific and I truly hope this one sticks. My kids have met 4 of these women, and spent a lot of time with 3, mainly because exh is convinced each one will be his next wife. For the kids I want to have a good relationship with whomever he is with and have done so. The kids see that I do have this with his gf now.

For his part, exh will not acknowledge any communication (texts) from me in which anything about SO is involved, such as logistics and planning. He will not acknowledge or even look at my SO in the few times we have been in the same places. His gf is extremely gracious, however. At some point the kids are going to notice. And yes my SO tries.

I absolutely understand I am not wearing the white hat here. I just want to know if I have any right to expect or hope for anything more from my exh towards my SO/former AP even if just for appearances/comfort for the kids. And no I have never brought it up with him.

I expect some flames but also hope I can get some perspective from people who have BTDT.

OP, how many kids do you have with your ex and how old are they? Just trying to figure out if your ex is seeing this as decades of having to deal with your bf, which could be kind of overwhelming (like if your kids are 2, 4, and 6, for example, versus 16 and 18). Does your bf have kids of his own? What about his ex? I assume if you were friends with bf before you were friends with his ex as well? Do you know if she and your ex ever discussed the affair? Sometimes people can wind each other up such that your husband, who sounds pretty gracious by all accounts, gets spun up by your bf's ex? Just spit balling here, trying to help you.

So exDH’s GF for now is extremely gracious. She doesn’t want things to be awkward. And exDH’s estranged friend, your AP and current SO, tries really hard.

Wouldn’t it be a kick in the teeth if OP’s AP/SO put the moves on exDH’s GF? AP/SO seems to have more magnetism exDH, and the only one with whom things aren’t awkward is exDH’s GF. With her being so gracious, he might think he can have a much more pleasant relationship with exDH’s GF. The friendship is gone anyway, so why not make lemonade out of lemons.

Then as you did, exDH’s GF may decide OP’s AP/SO is a better catch than exDH. He’s probably wealthier, hotter and/or funner than exDH. Then for OP it comes down to whether she can fend off exDH’s GF. OP might be hotter, but what an enormous ego boost it would be for AP/SO to steal exDH’s SO AGAIN, while this time leaving exDH in the dust for good. I’m not convinced OP is hotter than exDH’s GF BTW. But the ego boost and the ability to have fun without dealing with any awkwardness or public drama (since they’ll never see either party to the ex-marriage)? That might tip the balance.

This is probably ridiculous though; AP/SO of course is devoted to OP. Just spinning things out I guess.

[Anonymous]

OP the same “all about me” selfishness that allowed you to cheat comes through in all your posts. You don’t want or understand the consequences that go with your bad choices. I truly do feel sorry for your exDH and kids, as it’s clear your happiness comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the same “all about me” selfishness that allowed you to cheat comes through in all your posts. You don’t want or understand the consequences that go with your bad choices. I truly do feel sorry for your exDH and kids, as it’s clear your happiness comes first.

This is true for ALL cheaters. They will swing it to fit their narrative and they are always the 'victim' and the kids will be so much happier if I'm happy boning some other dude while dad's at work. Yeah, ok, Slutty Selfish McGee.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP if you are still here, I am in a LTR with my former AP. We now live together, with my kids. His kid is in college. My ex-H and I were separated but not divorced when ex-h caught us together, almost 7 years ago. My AP/LTR bf at first wanted to go to the kids sports and events as a “bonus dad”, and I allowed it. But I felt nauseous and hated it- so much shame. Ex-h started bringing his GF, who became his fiancé, who is now his wife (she does not have kids- thankfully), to events and whatnot. It’s all kinds of terribly uncomfortable, for me at least. At first we all said “let’s do stuff together!” Like the four of us plus our kids but rarely if ever do we do so because no one wants to. If I contact ex-H about kids he responds right away but if I attempt to talk about anything from our shared past, he never answers. Friendship is dead. Sadly.

Of course I live with regret and sadness and reading these comments feels like how I feel about myself- a truly selfish shitbag who had no concept of the consequences of my stupid actions. Was stupid beyond stupid to give up my marriage during a time of loneliness. My advice based on my own small miserable experience, is to keep AP out of ex-H’s face at all times. Graduations and summer sports etc are coming up and my former AP/LTR will be there, along with ex-H and his wife. Not good. I would say date or whatever in your free time but don’t allow the person you wounded to be further humiliated (if he has any pride at all, no matter how “happy” both of you are now…) if what happened. Your case is a level up because your ex-H and AP were friends. So he was double betrayed. Ugh that’s a tough one. Just keep them apart. I’d really recommend breaking up with your AP/LTR actually, because your ex-H will be in your life forever due to kids. Take that hit for him, after all he’s put up with. I should do that too, but now my kids are involved. It’s just cleaner for all to not have the AP as your LTR, even if ex-H seems like it’s all good as is.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP if you are still here, I am in a LTR with my former AP. We now live together, with my kids. His kid is in college. My ex-H and I were separated but not divorced when ex-h caught us together, almost 7 years ago. My AP/LTR bf at first wanted to go to the kids sports and events as a “bonus dad”, and I allowed it. But I felt nauseous and hated it- so much shame. Ex-h started bringing his GF, who became his fiancé, who is now his wife (she does not have kids- thankfully), to events and whatnot. It’s all kinds of terribly uncomfortable, for me at least. At first we all said “let’s do stuff together!” Like the four of us plus our kids but rarely if ever do we do so because no one wants to. If I contact ex-H about kids he responds right away but if I attempt to talk about anything from our shared past, he never answers. Friendship is dead. Sadly.

Of course I live with regret and sadness and reading these comments feels like how I feel about myself- a truly selfish shitbag who had no concept of the consequences of my stupid actions. Was stupid beyond stupid to give up my marriage during a time of loneliness. My advice based on my own small miserable experience, is to keep AP out of ex-H’s face at all times. Graduations and summer sports etc are coming up and my former AP/LTR will be there, along with ex-H and his wife. Not good. I would say date or whatever in your free time but don’t allow the person you wounded to be further humiliated (if he has any pride at all, no matter how “happy” both of you are now…) if what happened. Your case is a level up because your ex-H and AP were friends. So he was double betrayed. Ugh that’s a tough one. Just keep them apart. I’d really recommend breaking up with your AP/LTR actually, because your ex-H will be in your life forever due to kids. Take that hit for him, after all he’s put up with. I should do that too, but now my kids are involved. It’s just cleaner for all to not have the AP as your LTR, even if ex-H seems like it’s all good as is.

Good luck.

You sound like you have a ton of regret for ending your marriage/family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP if you are still here, I am in a LTR with my former AP. We now live together, with my kids. His kid is in college. My ex-H and I were separated but not divorced when ex-h caught us together, almost 7 years ago. My AP/LTR bf at first wanted to go to the kids sports and events as a “bonus dad”, and I allowed it. But I felt nauseous and hated it- so much shame. Ex-h started bringing his GF, who became his fiancé, who is now his wife (she does not have kids- thankfully), to events and whatnot. It’s all kinds of terribly uncomfortable, for me at least. At first we all said “let’s do stuff together!” Like the four of us plus our kids but rarely if ever do we do so because no one wants to. If I contact ex-H about kids he responds right away but if I attempt to talk about anything from our shared past, he never answers. Friendship is dead. Sadly.

Of course I live with regret and sadness and reading these comments feels like how I feel about myself- a truly selfish shitbag who had no concept of the consequences of my stupid actions. Was stupid beyond stupid to give up my marriage during a time of loneliness. My advice based on my own small miserable experience, is to keep AP out of ex-H’s face at all times. Graduations and summer sports etc are coming up and my former AP/LTR will be there, along with ex-H and his wife. Not good. I would say date or whatever in your free time but don’t allow the person you wounded to be further humiliated (if he has any pride at all, no matter how “happy” both of you are now…) if what happened. Your case is a level up because your ex-H and AP were friends. So he was double betrayed. Ugh that’s a tough one. Just keep them apart. I’d really recommend breaking up with your AP/LTR actually, because your ex-H will be in your life forever due to kids. Take that hit for him, after all he’s put up with. I should do that too, but now my kids are involved. It’s just cleaner for all to not have the AP as your LTR, even if ex-H seems like it’s all good as is.

Good luck.

You sound like you have a ton of regret for ending your marriage/family.

I do. It will be the defining event of my life. I was on track for happy family life (most meaningful experience of my life, vs work or whatever else people are fulfilled by…) with all of the trimmings. Now it’s an apartment and part time custody and being the “bad person” for life. Well deserved in my case, for not having an iota of insight. Lust and magical thinking during an affair allowed me to create delusions of “it will be ok and this is fine.” Not true.

From the trenches of post affair life: DO NOT DO IT.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP from the depths of my heart as a betrayed spouse for recognizing there is no justification for having an affair, ever, never, ever. Cheating and lying never become ok and you are forrcing your spouse into continuing to have a relationship with you not knowing you are sleeping with someone else. It is the worst imaginable pain. Thank you for recognizing it and owning it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PP from the depths of my heart as a betrayed spouse for recognizing there is no justification for having an affair, ever, never, ever. Cheating and lying never become ok and you are forrcing your spouse into continuing to have a relationship with you not knowing you are sleeping with someone else. It is the worst imaginable pain. Thank you for recognizing it and owning it.

Yes. The big question is how to proceed with family life in the least damaging/most reparative way possible. How will you do this, OP?

How do other (broken due to divorce) families manage this? I know there are lots of others in this sad, dilapidated boat…