In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

[Anonymous]

Just yuck. How selfish of you to bring your AP partner to your kids’ games. You really have no self respect. You had an affair with your husband’s friend and feel like you should some how be excused for this (“water under the bridge”). That’s not how it works OP. I guess once selfish, always selfish. Your husband is a nice guy.

[Anonymous]

Years ago I dated a guy who’s parents were divorced - they had been for 5-10 years. I went on a trip with his mom and her long term boyfriend. My parents are divorced, and it’s no big deal to mention things you do with the other parent.
I didn’t know about the baggage... so when we went to his dad’s house, I mentioned something silly that happened on the trip, my boyfriend and his sister just froze. Dad got quiet.
Afterwards my boyfriend told me his mom’s boyfriend was the AP and his dad was still very sensitive about it.
Apparently it is quite normal for the betrayed person to be sensitive about it years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the responses.

I would not say I parade in his face as the only time I have ever brought him up is regarding something logistical with no other way to explain something. But I hear you.

The 3 times they have been in same place - one was coincidence and other 2 were at kid sport events on my time with the kids.

This is probably more between him and my SO than him and me as we do have a good working relationship.

I can accept that exh will just never acknowledge or be cordial and it is something we have to deal with. And it is something I accept as my responsibility as I decided to be in a relationship with him.

I won't go as far to say AP should not go to things if my exh may be there. Which, honestly right now are few and far between because it is an LDR.

You have a good working relationship because of your kids, not because he likes you or forgives you. Good on him. When your kids are grown he will ghost you more or less. -another child of parents in this situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

Of course. As far as exh and I go it is water under the bridge. He's happier. I am happier.

well, clearly that’s not true. you’ve created a narrative in your head that minimizes the chaos and betrayal you created at the end of the marriage. you’ve also created the narrative that your marriage was over anyway, which your ex may not share. having an affair within your friend circle (both of you married) is an extremely messy, public, and humiliating way to end a marriage. he’s not over it and never will be.

+1,000

I've been in exH shoes--he will carry that pain and trauma his entire life. Great job.

[Anonymous]

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You have a good working relationship because of your kids, not because he likes you or forgives you. Good on him. When your kids are grown he will ghost you more or less. -another child of parents in this situation

Oh yes I agree with your first part. I feel the same about him. I agree that as the kids get older we will have fewer reasons for interacting. I don't consider him a friend but rather a good coparenting partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

Of course. As far as exh and I go it is water under the bridge. He's happier. I am happier.

May be water under the bridge for you but doesn’t sound the same for him. He got betrayed by you and his friend. And you parade it in his face. That’s a tough one.

Exactly! OP you think it’s water under the bridge and you’re with your soul mate blah blah. I am someone like your ex and her partner is her problem but have zero respect for them, no desire to meet or acknowledge them at all. Your ex sounds like a saint and you’re clueless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

Here's something else that might be useful to you. My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants. These are also personality traits that enable an affair. If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants. So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to. And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad. We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together). So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda. I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear. I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband. People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I see denial even in your framing of it that "exh struggles". Is he struggling? Or is he just deciding that he's happier freezing out his former friend who betrayed him? Maybe it's you who's struggling. You don't seem very happy with the status quo. I think you need to work harder to accept your ex's choice, just like he has been forced to accept your choice to have an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

Here's something else that might be useful to you. My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants. These are also personality traits that enable an affair. If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants. So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to. And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad. We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together). So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda. I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear. I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband. People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

+1

My (very recent) ex is like this. Left for an AP and wants me to be okay with AP. I'm far more upset at ex and am neutral toward AP, but I'm certainly not interested in creating a friendship dynamic. Ex likes to chat about AP as though I'm his sibling and AP is just a fun new GF he happened to meet. Talk about tone-deaf.

The cheaters always want to push a narrative that everyone is okay with everything. I didn't suffocate ex with a pillow when I had the chance, but that doesn't mean everything is acceptable

My marriage was circling the drain, too, and I'd already contemplated leaving even before I found out about AP. The difference is that I tried to fix things and asked for ex to do the same. He chose to have an exit affair instead. That hurts, no matter what. It hurts knowing someone turned their back on you and everything you built and never wanted to fight for it. It was easier to chase the excitement. So it's no wonder seeing and hearing about this person just opens old wounds for your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

Yes, I get this. Thank you for the reality check.

Here's something else that might be useful to you. My mom is one of those people that if you give her an inch she'll take a mile. When she wants something, she's always testing people's boundaries and trying to figure out ways to manipulate them to get what she wants. These are also personality traits that enable an affair. If you go along with something to keep the peace, that just feeds into her delusions and is a building block for getting to the next level of what she wants. So people tend to guard their boundaries and limit what they agree to. And what she wants, like you, is a more friendly and amicable relationship between her AP and me and my dad. We all know that her end game is something none of us want (she wants stuff like big family dinner parties together). So her trying to work in casual mentions of her AP are met with suspicion and hostility because it feels like she's trying to push an agenda. I don't know what your long-term plan is for this relationship, but I suspect your ex is sending you a message with his attitude towards your mentions of your AP, and it's a message you don't want to hear. I think it's time for you to accept that this will never be the relationship it would have been if you had not betrayed your husband. People can forgive, but forgiveness doesn't mean the relationship is as close as it used to be, or that it has to be the kind of relationship that the forgiven person happens to want.

+1

My (very recent) ex is like this. Left for an AP and wants me to be okay with AP. I'm far more upset at ex and am neutral toward AP, but I'm certainly not interested in creating a friendship dynamic. Ex likes to chat about AP as though I'm his sibling and AP is just a fun new GF he happened to meet. Talk about tone-deaf.

The cheaters always want to push a narrative that everyone is okay with everything. I didn't suffocate ex with a pillow when I had the chance, but that doesn't mean everything is acceptable

My marriage was circling the drain, too, and I'd already contemplated leaving even before I found out about AP. The difference is that I tried to fix things and asked for ex to do the same. He chose to have an exit affair instead. That hurts, no matter what. It hurts knowing someone turned their back on you and everything you built and never wanted to fight for it. It was easier to chase the excitement. So it's no wonder seeing and hearing about this person just opens old wounds for your ex.

This. And even if the AP isn't a former friend, it's unrealistic to go straight from "Stranger, I owe you and your marriage no consideration whatsoever" to "Please treat me warmly, let me care for your children, and consider my schedule in planning your life." You can maybe earn your way to that kind of relationship but it's not going to happen automatically or very fast just because you're dating.

[Anonymous]

OP, what you're trying to do is hard. The divorce and shared custody lifestyle is hard, logistlcally speaking, and when you add in new partners and additional kids it's even harder. When you mention your AP's schedule or preferences in the context of logistics and scheduling, you're basically saying that your ex has to consider and sometimes accommodate this person's schedule. Your ex might not feel that he has any obligation to give your AP a place at the table, scheduling-wise, even if he has to tolerate your choice to date him and expose the kids to him and complicate all of your lives with a relationship born of infidelity. If it were me, being expected to take an AP's schedule into consideration would be a turd on top of a turd sundae.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just yuck. How selfish of you to bring your AP partner to your kids’ games. You really have no self respect. You had an affair with your husband’s friend and feel like you should some how be excused for this (“water under the bridge”). That’s not how it works OP. I guess once selfish, always selfish. Your husband is a nice guy.

NP. We really don't know this. When I made threads about my prior marriage, lots of posters gave me "permission" to have an affair. I've seen that several times on here. Yet every person who then does have an affair is vilified. Often an affair is the least-worst option for protecting kids from a divorce while still finding a shred of happiness for oneself. Life is not black and white -- which people seem to grasp when details are spelled out, as in prior threads on my case, but then have amnesia about the next time they hear the word "affair."

And don't get me started on the poster who thinks her parents' romantic decisions are any of her damn business. Presumably she has no idea what went on in her parents' bedroom. If her mom had gotten a divorce first, she'd be whining about being an ACOD and her abandonment issues. Who's the self-centered one again?

[Anonymous]

Same Op. but here she lied and said that the was not the AP.

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/971351.page

[Anonymous]

Friend would be dead to me. Any interaction with ex would be for the health and well-being of my children. I’d be cordial and nice—but when they are 18–bye bye beatch.

You and your dirtball are selfish, clueless and trash.