In LTR with affair partner; exh struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I am not wearing the white hat here” = “I’m a terrible person who completely betrayed my spouse and for obvious reasons he is not enabling my loathsome behavior so can others assure me there is some end to the consequences for my decision to resume intentionally humiliating him?”

DCUM:
No. No, we can’t. Next!

[Anonymous]

No advice but I hope you realize what a disgusting person you are OP

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the responses.

I would not say I parade in his face as the only time I have ever brought him up is regarding something logistical with no other way to explain something. But I hear you.

The 3 times they have been in same place - one was coincidence and other 2 were at kid sport events on my time with the kids.

This is probably more between him and my SO than him and me as we do have a good working relationship.

I can accept that exh will just never acknowledge or be cordial and it is something we have to deal with. And it is something I accept as my responsibility as I decided to be in a relationship with him.

I won't go as far to say AP should not go to things if my exh may be there. Which, honestly right now are few and far between because it is an LDR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I can’t speak for your ex-DH but I think maybe with time and no pressure and having some sort of closure I could get there because I don’t want to carry around anger. But any bs about past, self-serving pressure etc. would move it from a situation in the past to active gaslighting and showing me things really didn’t change.

Can you explain a little more what you mean by this?

[Anonymous]

Well, I am a child in this situation and I would say no, it will never be the same. My mom's AP has been with her for 20+ years now, but my dad still freezes him out and my sister and I decline to treat him as a family member. It is very, very awkward to have an affair within your friend group. I found out on my own initiative when I was 16 and it swiftly blew up my friendship with the AP's children, that I had had since infancy. The whole thing is embarrassing and my mom has never taken responsibility for it. She wants us to act like a big happy modern family, but the lies and deceitfulness don't just go away because the liar wants them to. The whole thing was traumatic and continues to be a pain. I don't wish my dad would be nicer, I think he is well within his rights to be cold to his former friend. I wish my mom would stop pressuring us all to accept her AP and just accept that we won't and let well enough alone.

My dad is remarried to someone he met later, who I dislike for unrelated reasons, but I put up with her because I think I should. I don't feel the same obligation to an AP, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I am a child in this situation and I would say no, it will never be the same. My mom's AP has been with her for 20+ years now, but my dad still freezes him out and my sister and I decline to treat him as a family member. It is very, very awkward to have an affair within your friend group. I found out on my own initiative when I was 16 and it swiftly blew up my friendship with the AP's children, that I had had since infancy. The whole thing is embarrassing and my mom has never taken responsibility for it. She wants us to act like a big happy modern family, but the lies and deceitfulness don't just go away because the liar wants them to. The whole thing was traumatic and continues to be a pain. I don't wish my dad would be nicer, I think he is well within his rights to be cold to his former friend. I wish my mom would stop pressuring us all to accept her AP and just accept that we won't and let well enough alone.

My dad is remarried to someone he met later, who I dislike for unrelated reasons, but I put up with her because I think I should. I don't feel the same obligation to an AP, ever.

OK, thank you for this. - OP

[Anonymous]

And you also have issues with your boyfriend’s ex. This relationship is going to be hard.

[Anonymous]

If your SO wanted a good relationship with your ex he should not have had an affair. And the same goes for you. You are paying the price for how you treated your ex.

Stop acting like this is for the children. If you didn't want them to be in awkward situations you should not have had an affair! And not resumed with your AP! You are the one who made this awkward and you are trying to blame other people for not lying down and letting you walk all over them. If the children find it awkward, well, that is the price they are paying for your choices.

Someday your children may find out what you did (even if nobody actually tells them) and there may be considerable blowback. If they end up feeling like their acceptance of your SO was obtained by withholding the truth, they will feel manipulated and deceived and betrayed by both of you. Think about whether you prefer that they learn the truth from you instead.

[Anonymous]

You’re trash OP and I feel incredibly, incredibly bad for your ex husband, god he deserves better. Advice is so everyone a favor and stop bringing your equally trashy side piece into discussion and to places involving ex husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, I am a child in this situation and I would say no, it will never be the same. My mom's AP has been with her for 20+ years now, but my dad still freezes him out and my sister and I decline to treat him as a family member. It is very, very awkward to have an affair within your friend group. I found out on my own initiative when I was 16 and it swiftly blew up my friendship with the AP's children, that I had had since infancy. The whole thing is embarrassing and my mom has never taken responsibility for it. She wants us to act like a big happy modern family, but the lies and deceitfulness don't just go away because the liar wants them to. The whole thing was traumatic and continues to be a pain. I don't wish my dad would be nicer, I think he is well within his rights to be cold to his former friend. I wish my mom would stop pressuring us all to accept her AP and just accept that we won't and let well enough alone.

My dad is remarried to someone he met later, who I dislike for unrelated reasons, but I put up with her because I think I should. I don't feel the same obligation to an AP, ever.

OK, thank you for this. - OP

Oh, and also, the dumbest thing about it is how my mom tells everyone she's just such good friends with my dad's wife. Meanwhile my dad's wife knows about the affair and criticizes my mom to anyone who will listen. See how embarrassing and stupid this is? Kind of like you claiming you have a good relationship with your ex and his GF and it's water under the bridge to your ex. Clearly it isn't! You are engaged in wishful thinking here and need to open your eyes. His GF being nice to you for the kids sake is probably just a facade.

What is your long term plan here? LDR forever? Because if you try to bring your former AP into your kids' lives in person, they will quickly perceive that something is seriously wrong and it could really affect the parent-child relationship. Kids don't take kindly to finding out their mother betrayed their father. Marital problems yada yada, they won't care about your rationale. All they will learn is that Mom and her BF are untrustworthy and willing to mistreat Dad, and they will be forever on their guard. It's really harmful to a child to put them through that, and make them carry the burden of awkwardness for as long as you are with your AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re trash OP and I feel incredibly, incredibly bad for your ex husband, god he deserves better. Advice is so everyone a favor and stop bringing your equally trashy side piece into discussion and to places involving ex husband.

And I’ll add like the previous poster I was a teen when this happened exactly like this with my family. I resent my mom and we don’t have a close relationship and I refuse to interact with the other guy. I walk out the room, drive away, or ignore. I’m not going to normalize this abhorrent behavior.

[Anonymous]

The whole thing is embarrassing and my mom has never taken responsibility for it. She wants us to act like a big happy modern family, but the lies and deceitfulness don't just go away because the liar wants them to.

Honest question - what if your mom had handled it differently? Would that have mattered? I have talked to my therapist about this re my kids and how to talk to them about it when the opportunity or need arises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:have you actually apologized to exDH? you know, that you were f***ing a friend of his, behind his back? I mean, really it's pretty clear he is still carrying about a deep sense of betrayal.

Of course. As far as exh and I go it is water under the bridge. He's happier. I am happier.

Are you sure he shares this view? Maybe he is saying this, but that may not be how he really feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re trash OP and I feel incredibly, incredibly bad for your ex husband, god he deserves better. Advice is so everyone a favor and stop bringing your equally trashy side piece into discussion and to places involving ex husband.

And I’ll add like the previous poster I was a teen when this happened exactly like this with my family. I resent my mom and we don’t have a close relationship and I refuse to interact with the other guy. I walk out the room, drive away, or ignore. I’m not going to normalize this abhorrent behavior.

Is the affair the only/biggest reason you don’t have a good relationship with her?

Right now I would say I have a closer relationship with my kids than exh does though I’m trying to facilitate a better one for him esp with 17yo. I do think 17yo has an idea about me and my SO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The whole thing is embarrassing and my mom has never taken responsibility for it. She wants us to act like a big happy modern family, but the lies and deceitfulness don't just go away because the liar wants them to.

Honest question - what if your mom had handled it differently? Would that have mattered? I have talked to my therapist about this re my kids and how to talk to them about it when the opportunity or need arises.

Yes, if she and he had gotten divorced before sleeping together I would say she has the right to date and we should accept it. There would be no dishonesty. This was a 4 year long secret affair within a friend group in a small town so the amount of lying was really significant and prolonged, and the public humiliation was intense. And I found out ony own rather than through their honest disclosure. I still feel like I can't trust my mom to tell me the truth. Sometimes it's better that they hear it from you. Secrets have a way of coming to the surface and you need to think about how long you want to deceive your children for, even by omitting the truth rather than speaking a lie. They may feel manipulated.

The underlying problem is her ability to perceive reality in self-serving ways and be completely in denial of what she doesn't want to believe. Those are the personality traits that enabled her to have an affair, and are now causing her to be a pain about wanting everyone to accept her AP. You seem like you are in denial a bit too, OP. Really think about whether that is serving you well here.

There are other factors like him being often unemployed and generally being annoying, but the affair is definitely the big one. But it does definitely matter that you choose a suitable partner. If your AP is bringing other problems into the family (money, drugs, difficult children or ex, really anything undesirable) that won't make things easier.