What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a perfect marriage. Sexy husband who screwed me 3-4 times per week. No fights. Great friends. He was a good father and we went out and had fun all of the time together. He surprised me throughout our 22 year marriage—-surprise trips, dinners —and the guy did laundry and didn’t mind cleaning. He coached the kids’ sports teams. He was a good father.

He had an affair years 19-22.

Devastating. Even more so because I was completely blind sided. F@cked me up.

I don’t know who would ever say “hey I don’t mind if you cheat on me”. That’s insane. That’s not even an open marriage where you know.

Honesty. Trust. Without those: deal breaker

I would take your great marriage years 1-18 with 3 years of cheating any day of the week. At least you did not waste a decade of your life in misery because of a quasi-forced accidental pregnancy and “trying to make it work.”

Get over it. You had a great marriage. Either forgive him and get it back or get over it.

4 years of cheating, not 3. 4 years of lying to my face to go f@ck some other married whore.

No protection used, no concern for my health or our family. And, at a time a beloved parent was terminally ill and dying.

Yeah. Hard to reconcile pathological lying. To the soldier poster, Infidelity PTSD is very well-recognized in the psych community. The higher level of trust a person had, the worst it is. EMDR therapy is used. Post-traumatic stress isn’t defined as “war trauma”. That’s one aspect.

Forgiving isn’t something done immediately, nor should it be. Experts say it takes 2-5 years to begin to get over an affair. Years of individual and couples counseling. They need to get to the root of their issues.

Honesty and trust. Lack of those are a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are the reasons I left (I am a woman):

1. Disrespect
2. Not being consulted or considered in major life decisions
3. Emotional abuse
4. No love or affection and sexlessness for YEARS (most of the marriage)

Another reason to go is mental illness (not my issue but that is a reason to leave)

I personally think the things I mentioned are worse than cheating. If it was just cheating, I could stay. But not the four items I mentioned--those are divorce worthy, especially combined.

Get back to me after you discover your spouse is having an affair. Reality is much different than conceptually. It is total devastation and causes PTSD that can last for years in betrayed spouse.

+100

You will feel much differently when it’s a reality.

Wrong. I am divorced. And I told him he could cheat and I would not divorce for that reason in year #2 but I would divorce for other reasons. There are many things worse than cheating. Go back and read my list.

I agree with you, PP. The four items are far worse than my spouse having sex with someone else. That is normal but selfish behavior. The other 4 are cruelty to me.

Granted, I know there are some people on here who see affairs as a the same as a captured and tortured soldier returning from war with PTSD. I am not discounting their experience but I don't think that is common. No doubt affairs suck though.

Yikes!!! Perhaps you don't realize it, but by framing PTSD this way == that fill-in-the-blank is not as bad as a captured tortured soldier returning from war and thus fill-in-the-blank is not PTSD but just "sucks" == you are CONTRIBUTING to the stigma that our veterans experience when confronting service-related trauma or PTSD. I can't tell you how many vets are driven to the brink of suicide by PTSD but who dismiss that they have PTSD or could benefit from PTSD services because what happened to them "wasn't that bad." They say the same "it wasn't as bad as X" things to themselves as you have just done. Getting blown up by an IED wasn't as bad as having someone in the unit killed. Having someone in the unit killed wasn't as bad as my best friend in the unit being killed. Losing one person in the unit isn't as bad as losing many. Seeing someone being killed in front of me isn't as bad as being killed myself. It goes on and on.

Please change your attitude. Trauma occurs in all sorts of circumstances. War trauma. Domestic gun violence trauma. Domestic abuse trauma. Child abuse trauma. Betrayal trauma from families or institutions. Secondary trauma or vicarious trauma in any of those situations. Ignoring trauma or minimizing it isn't helpful.

[Anonymous]

^ and most definitely by infidelity/affair

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder%3famp

And Ashley Madison affairs:

https://www.addorecovery.com/betrayal-trauma/the-other-side-of-infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ and most definitely by infidelity/affair

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder%3famp

And Ashley Madison affairs:

https://www.addorecovery.com/betrayal-trauma/the-other-side-of-infidelity

Why was it so traumatic? You didn't see it coming? I assume most affairs aren't really that surprising, the couple bickers, they stop having sex, someone cheats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ and most definitely by infidelity/affair

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder%3famp

And Ashley Madison affairs:

https://www.addorecovery.com/betrayal-trauma/the-other-side-of-infidelity

Why was it so traumatic? You didn't see it coming? I assume most affairs aren't really that surprising, the couple bickers, they stop having sex, someone cheats.

You are totally wrong. My soon to be Ex and I had what I thought was the best trip as a couple to France 4 years ago: fantastic sex, wine, museums holding hands. He just began a long term affair with her 5 days prior to flying with me to France, and was writing her romantic messages as I was sitting across dining at Cote d’Azure.
Cheaters steal your trust in loyalty, your years , youth and future. This is why it’s called “cheating”.

[Anonymous]

I have PTSD from a verbally abusive, gaslighting, financially abusive dick with an active addiction and theorized CTE from concussions. Unfortunately he isnt yet dead, so they cant test him for CTE.

You have no idea what it is like living in a home with a financially abusive, emotionally abusive, hostile spouse.

It was like walking on eggshells, not bombs, but the end result was the same. I became a soldier, in a field, with unrecognizable bombs beneath my feet, that could go off at any second in such a way as to blow up my world (my world is my children).

I am free, but have been in two years of therapy and am finally "allowed" to graduate to EMDR

[Anonymous]

Unrestrained flatulence.

[Anonymous]

Sitting here alone, rejected by my wife again, sex 2x in 2020 and I have no idea what the point is of a celibate marriage.

So I am done. But she is a SAHM, 13 years now. Economy sucks, she needs a job. We are both stuck.

Of course, if I cheat, I'm am the bad guy, not her.

Thanks for the vent. I would swap places with the PP who at least got a romantic trip to France with hot sex. Better than a celibate guest room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ and most definitely by infidelity/affair

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder%3famp

And Ashley Madison affairs:

https://www.addorecovery.com/betrayal-trauma/the-other-side-of-infidelity

Why was it so traumatic? You didn't see it coming? I assume most affairs aren't really that surprising, the couple bickers, they stop having sex, someone cheats.

Read my post. Yes our marriage was great. We had sex 3-4 times per week and he he surprised me with special dinners, trips, etc. We were still hot for each other 22 years later. We have deep conversations and lots of fun—laugh a lot. Both in great shape still. COMPLETELY blindsided by his Ashley Madison old whore that wasn’t even attractive. He is fighting for his life to keep me. He had already cut it off when I found out, but it went on a long time. Serious childhood issues/trauma in his past that I’m just learning the extent of.

I was in shock for over a month and the past 3 just going from rage to despair to devastation...and the mind movies —especially at night. I’m an outgoing person with lots of friends and I haven’t left the house. From what I read, it takes minimum 5 years to heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sitting here alone, rejected by my wife again, sex 2x in 2020 and I have no idea what the point is of a celibate marriage.

So I am done. But she is a SAHM, 13 years now. Economy sucks, she needs a job. We are both stuck.

Of course, if I cheat, I'm am the bad guy, not her.

Thanks for the vent. I would swap places with the PP who at least got a romantic trip to France with hot sex. Better than a celibate guest room.

I am that PP who got a romantic trip to France in 2016. He lived with me lying and pretending for 4 more years. In January 2020 moved down to basement, we had sex 1 time in 2020. He still has no guts to tell me and our son about his mistress (we both know by now). I am model looking SAHM, 11 years younger than him, worked most of the marriage except for the last 5 years where my husband told there was no need to work since we’ve become so wealthy and he had to travel for work so I had to be more home with our child. Applying for new IT related masters program now to get a job in 1.5 years and divorce him. My worst thoughts are about our son who disowned him and my lost career which was stolen from me because of him creating a false sense of endless security for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ and most definitely by infidelity/affair

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201709/how-infidelity-causes-post-traumatic-stress-disorder%3famp

And Ashley Madison affairs:

https://www.addorecovery.com/betrayal-trauma/the-other-side-of-infidelity

Why was it so traumatic? You didn't see it coming? I assume most affairs aren't really that surprising, the couple bickers, they stop having sex, someone cheats.

Read my post. Yes our marriage was great. We had sex 3-4 times per week and he he surprised me with special dinners, trips, etc. We were still hot for each other 22 years later. We have deep conversations and lots of fun—laugh a lot. Both in great shape still. COMPLETELY blindsided by his Ashley Madison old whore that wasn’t even attractive. He is fighting for his life to keep me. He had already cut it off when I found out, but it went on a long time. Serious childhood issues/trauma in his past that I’m just learning the extent of.

I was in shock for over a month and the past 3 just going from rage to despair to devastation...and the mind movies —especially at night. I’m an outgoing person with lots of friends and I haven’t left the house. From what I read, it takes minimum 5 years to heal.

Try to make yourself busy, go see people, do things. I was in the same ameba like mental state until a friend of mine suggested to sign up for coursera. I get a lot of positive mental stimulation just being on those online courses, learning new things. It distracts a lot from misery at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sitting here alone, rejected by my wife again, sex 2x in 2020 and I have no idea what the point is of a celibate marriage.

So I am done. But she is a SAHM, 13 years now. Economy sucks, she needs a job. We are both stuck.

Of course, if I cheat, I'm am the bad guy, not her.

Thanks for the vent. I would swap places with the PP who at least got a romantic trip to France with hot sex. Better than a celibate guest room.

Give her an ultimatum: divorce, open marriage or she resumes sex. Since she’s economically dependent from you, there is a lot of leverage. I am a SAHM who’s economically dependent on and rejected by husband. For me, the only way to go is to get a job and file for divorce. You are in a better position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

But life is short so if you are miserable, how long should you stay? I mean, why waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy or bring out the best in you?

For your kids. The kids you chose to bring into this world with him as their father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

But life is short so if you are miserable, how long should you stay? I mean, why waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy or bring out the best in you?

For your kids. The kids you chose to bring into this world with him as their father.

And to add to this, my own reasons for divorce absent affair/abuse/addiction, would only be if I truly thought my kids would be better off. Otherwise I’d wait until the kids were adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sitting here alone, rejected by my wife again, sex 2x in 2020 and I have no idea what the point is of a celibate marriage.

So I am done. But she is a SAHM, 13 years now. Economy sucks, she needs a job. We are both stuck.

Of course, if I cheat, I'm am the bad guy, not her.

Thanks for the vent. I would swap places with the PP who at least got a romantic trip to France with hot sex. Better than a celibate guest room.

Give her an ultimatum: divorce, open marriage or she resumes sex. Since she’s economically dependent from you, there is a lot of leverage. I am a SAHM who’s economically dependent on and rejected by husband. For me, the only way to go is to get a job and file for divorce. You are in a better position.

We had this discussion, she steps it up for a short period, pouts when having sex and then resentment grows.

I have thought about divorce but I want to be present for the last few years before the kids are older and independent. Then I can leave. The strange thing is she will show me places we should buy a place at to semi-retire to, and it amazes me it never seems to dawn on her she isn't going to be retiring with me at this rate.

Thanks for your suggestions, if only it were that easy.