What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over

[Anonymous]

I posted article above, why you will marry the wrong person...
And I second this line,
"We seem normal only to those who don't know us very well"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is a sexless marriage a reason to leave? Anyone left a decent marriage when sex was down to 1x a month and no regrets?

Once a month is not sexless. Try many years—that is sexless and a reason to leave.

Sex 10x a year or less is by definition a sexless marriage. I suppose 1x a month can technically fall above that cutoff but its dysfunctional and a sign the marriage is completely broken.

Choose your least worst option: be sexually miserable but see your kids every day or find love again but break up your family (cue the Open Marriage Poster to give the third option...)

Pardon me - who appointed you to define “sexless marriage”? It’s OK to say that sex 1x a month is not enough for you to lead a happy life. But, it’s not OK to lie or manipulate your spouse into more or have sex secretly outside the marriage. Man up, talk with your spouse and decide how to move forward in honesty to create a good enough life for all of you. Maybe that will be married - maybe divorced.

Assuming you have a normal healthy husband who never would date you with sex just 1x a month, then Woman up and leave him! Do not stay married to a guy you don’t want a normal sex life with. It’s not OK to manipulate your spouse into a monogamous relationship with an asexual room mate. Or accept that your husband is meeting his needs elsewhere.

Who defines what is “normal”? No one. Your wife is offering you sex once a month. She is being clear about that. She is not manipulating you into a relationship. You know what you are getting and choose to stay for now at least. You can choose to leave also. Once a month is not asexual and is not a roommate situation. You clearly have a problem accepting your own agency over this situation. You also clearly have difficulty understanding boundaries - what you control about yourself v. what you can’t control about your wife. And you have trouble accepting the consequences of your potential decisions, thus your desire to stay in the marriage while shifting blame to your wife instead of acknowledging that you can make choices and that every choice has pros and cons.

Normal is established within each specific couple. So ask yourself how much sex your husband (and you too) wanted while dating early in marriage. Then later on when a wife "offers" sex only once per month she HAS manipulated their relationship that never would have reached this point. Most normal men with normal sex dives (and lots of women) WOULD consider 1 per month an asexual room mate situation. You clearly have a problem projecting your own greatly reduced "normal" onto others who have not changed at all... still same normal as always.

I am not blaming anybody for anything. I do suggest that a wife who has lost her libido should divorce if she cannot accept that her husband has not lost his libido and will be getting that need met elsewhere. Your change in normal does not mean that his could/wound also change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you, PP. I am So proud of you for getting out and hope you are safe and happy now. I’m in a marriage that sounds similar to yours, before explicit threats. He once raised a fist at me in anger; that was two years ago and there has been no other physical threat but lots of unpredictable screaming rages. In between, he’s lots of people’s ideal husband: he cooks, he cleans, he does the dishes, he pays attention to the child, he brings me cups of tea while I’m working. It could be quiet for weeks and then BOOM, rage. All about politics, not something I have done in the relationship.

How did you get the courage to leave? How did you logistically do it? And how have you kept your kids safe since then? It really scares me how angry he will be, forever, when I become the enemy in his mind, and our child a weapon.

Please google about the circle of abuse -- you definitely have most components of it.

My relationship with my first abuser was long term -- we were engaged but never married. I was the foot-dragger. It was ugly separating from him, but I had a strong financial safety net, and an ace up my sleeve -- he was a lawyer and knew that I knew that if he actually hit me that would be the end of his legal career.

I got engaged a second time years later. For reasons I don't want to get into, we never married but had kids (again, my choice). That relationship was very good on the surface, but I found out about cheating and the situation unravelled in a way that was full of emotional abuse --gaslighting, manipulation, massive lies, etc.

All I can say is this: get a lawyer. Follow the lawyer's advice on logistics. Document everything and make sure there are agreements in writing. I kept my kids safe by breaking up and providing a sane, healthy home for 50% of their life. This is literally the key thing that helped them grow up normally. Living with an abuser to "protect" the kids isn't a rational strategy. Kids learn to accept what they see and live with. The main reason I ended up in two abusive relationships is that I grew up w/ a verbally abusive parent. That is literally the reason that mad me willing to walk away with nothing but my kids. I'm fortunate that I had enough savings and a network of friends and family that I knew I would never be homeless.

I have survived by minimizing contact as much as possible, being pleasant but pretty much grey rocking their dad. By the time we separated, they were both verbal and over age 5, so old enough to tell me if anything truly dangerous was happening.

Thank you. This is PP. my son is now verbal and over 5, and that has been my goal, too...to stay until he would be old enough to call me if things got bad. I’m afraid his dad will intimidate him from ever reaching out, though, or call him a pussy for being upset, or whatever. But I have to remind myself that he will do that anyway, and at least I can free him from that abuse something like 50% of the time.

I am so tired and scared.

I can only tell you that I felt that way for several years while the abuse was ongoing. Every day was a new trauma, a new lie uncovered and more eggshells to step around. The day that my then DH finally left, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I literally felt like the sun had come out for the first time in forever. This despite the fact that I had 2 kids - a 5 y.o. and an 18 m.o. I had a safety net of some money but wasn't employed at the time although I knew that I would have the support of all my parents and siblings. I am definitely less well off financially and career-wise than if I had stayed in a two parent family, but my kids and I are healthy and stable in a way we never would have been had I stayed. In fact, I would have lost my marbles if he had stayed any longer. As it was the long term damage to me was significant. I recommended a lawyer above, but you also need a therapist skilled in verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

In the decade+ since we split, my kids have definitely been unhappy at times and had struggles in their relationship with their dad, but they have been willing to talk to me and they are old enough to see a therapist of their own. It is what it is. I didn't have the power to make him stop his behavior (and you don't have that power either -- no one does.)

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

we haven't had sex in 40 years, I don't like sex with wife or any one else. I told my wife she could leave me if she wanted to, it wouldn't bother me. Now I could have left her but I would never give her the satisfaction, I stayed to torment and to piss her off. Now in mid 70's and i'm still here and so is she. I never cheated on her and would never do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we haven't had sex in 40 years, I don't like sex with wife or any one else. I told my wife she could leave me if she wanted to, it wouldn't bother me. Now I could have left her but I would never give her the satisfaction, I stayed to torment and to piss her off. Now in mid 70's and i'm still here and so is she. I never cheated on her and would never do that.

Omg you’re horrible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:we haven't had sex in 40 years, I don't like sex with wife or any one else. I told my wife she could leave me if she wanted to, it wouldn't bother me. Now I could have left her but I would never give her the satisfaction, I stayed to torment and to piss her off. Now in mid 70's and i'm still here and so is she. I never cheated on her and would never do that.

Well obviously you never cheated - you are asexual!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

But life is short so if you are miserable, how long should you stay? I mean, why waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy or bring out the best in you?

For your kids. The kids you chose to bring into this world with him as their father.

50% of pregnancies in the US are accidents. Not everyone “chooses” to get pregnant in a marriage. Sometimes it is a shocking accident—and then you are stuck.

[Anonymous]

Above...stuck at least until you get that ridiculous thinking “but you should stay for the kids” out of your head and admit divorce is better than having and modeling a bad marriage...and that can take YEARS

[Anonymous]

OP - you can get for any reason you want. Not wanting to be married is good enough. Whether you have kids or not.

[Anonymous]

Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is the only medical condition that doesn’t have treatment, and is very difficult to spot unless you have been traumatized by it or know someone familiar with the illness. Thanks to Trump, we have all been exposed to it and there is a greater general awareness.

People with NPD are delusional and abusive, and I remember reading (at the time) that the illness has no treatment. This is why I make exception to the rule for illness. Having this illness always coexists with some form of abuse (financial, mental, emotional, physical, etc.)

So, the 3 As: Abuse, Addiction, Adultery, with special exception for this. By the way, it doesn’t matter if you are on the receiving or administering end of the 3As. They are all reason to leave. If I am a crackhead addicted to crack, I can choose to leave even if my spouse wants me to stay. This is why a lot of the marriages with cheating have super fast divorces; the cheater feels better about leaving and will wear the mark of shame just to get it over with.

The more As, the higher a probability of a failed stare of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - you can get for any reason you want. Not wanting to be married is good enough. Whether you have kids or not.

PP above that posted about NPD and I agree with this too. If you do not love that person, you do not have to be a martyr for some arbitrary hill you create. Just leave. I also take marriage very seriously and I would only do this after fully exhausting all other options to repair and restart with my spouse. If your spouse is incapable of putting on their own mask, there is nothing wrong with trying to help. But when you can’t breathe or put your mask on first because is it, you leave to save yourself/the children, and sometimes even your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Above...stuck at least until you get that ridiculous thinking “but you should stay for the kids” out of your head and admit divorce is better than having and modeling a bad marriage...and that can take YEARS

So much worse to model a bad marriage than to have two healthy parents where the child doesn’t see the chemistry of the dysfunction blowing up in their face on a day to day basis. That is a free ticket to emotional stagnation and a sometimes lifelong battle with self-esteem, self-love, and emotional capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad Op, you get through this. You don't wreak your kid's lives over this. Not during covid. Not ever, but chances are things will improve post pandemic.

Yeah, because it’s so much more important for the kids to grow up in a dysfunctional household.

I'm in similar situation. I didn't get married, so can I leave? I'll leave the kids with ex wince it's his home and he is a good father. I hate this existing together for the kids. So uncomfortable in 1-bedroom apartment. He has no friends and no hobbies. I'm expected to go nowhere unless I go to grocery shopping or work. Life is horrible and I'm just waiting to get out.

[Anonymous]

For the women and children trying to leave an abusive environment, please call The Women’s Center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It is the only medical condition that doesn’t have treatment, and is very difficult to spot unless you have been traumatized by it or know someone familiar with the illness. Thanks to Trump, we have all been exposed to it and there is a greater general awareness.

People with NPD are delusional and abusive, and I remember reading (at the time) that the illness has no treatment. This is why I make exception to the rule for illness. Having this illness always coexists with some form of abuse (financial, mental, emotional, physical, etc.)

So, the 3 As: Abuse, Addiction, Adultery, with special exception for this. By the way, it doesn’t matter if you are on the receiving or administering end of the 3As. They are all reason to leave. If I am a crackhead addicted to crack, I can choose to leave even if my spouse wants me to stay. This is why a lot of the marriages with cheating have super fast divorces; the cheater feels better about leaving and will wear the mark of shame just to get it over with.

The more As, the higher a probability of a failed stare of marriage.

But in the ever popular sexless marriage, an Affairs are expected. So anybody who isn’t having sex in their marriage has (by definition) already decided that Affair is not divorce worthy.