What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is a sexless marriage a reason to leave? Anyone left a decent marriage when sex was down to 1x a month and no regrets?

Once a month is not sexless. Try many years—that is sexless and a reason to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is a sexless marriage a reason to leave? Anyone left a decent marriage when sex was down to 1x a month and no regrets?

That's not sexless. 1x per month isn't a good frequency and might be reason to leave...but it's not sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than cheating/affair/addiction.

Is there anything? I am finding after 2 kids and 11 years of marriage we are really 2 quite completely different people. He has never been my 'best friend' but has always been a friend with some common interests and someone I have loved.
However, this past year (preCOVID) has been rocky at best for me. We don't share similar future goals/experiences/hopes/dreams. We don't really share common interests anymore. Other than the kids I really can't think of anything I want or need to talk to him about.
He has been increasingly difficult to talk to because he thinks disagreeing with something requires a fight/argument. Even simple everyday things. I asked him if he could please turn on the dishwasher as i was heading out the door because i forgot to (i had just loaded it) and he proceeds to complain about having to stop work to do the dishes. I said to forget it i would do it when i get home and continued to go on and on. I left because i needed ot get to work and the kids to camps.

We had a big blow up a week ago about weather or not still take a family vacation to a tourist spot. I said I would rather err on the side of caution this time and postpone. He slammed his fists down and started screaming how "I just want to waste money". I said i think we should call to see if we can postpone or get a refund. If not we could discuss options. This wasn't good enough. He went on and on and on.
I have to say, something just clicked in me. I am just so over him and what our marriage has become. I just don't have it in me.
I work a stressful job at an outpatient clinic and just don't even want to go home most days.
Our kids are young (under 11) but I am just miserable and the thought of being with him for another 11 years makes me feel dead inside.

Get counseling.

I would divorce over the three "A's": abuse, adultery, addiction

“The three As?” Vast majority of marriages have one or more of those three occur at one point or another. Be realistic before you get married. Marriage is hard and understand what addiction actually means. Plenty of functional alcoholics in DC who also figure out a way to hold it together at home. Plenty of cheaters in this town too whose spouses either turn a blind eye, or also have an AP - and many of these homes are stable. Basically, I would leave if DH physically abused me.

People like you are the reason I stayed so long in an abusive relationship. I thought as long as he wasn't hitting me, I should stay. That is NOT true. Emotional and verbal abuse can destroy the abused partner. Infidelity as well.

People like me? You have no idea what my marriage is like and do not know me. I as well, have no idea what you went through but am very sorry you were in an abusive relationship.

To be more specific, I am referring when I say "People like you" to the poster immediately above me. What I took from that post and its tone (and perhaps I misread, but think not) is the idea, frequently promoted, that all or most marriages have abuse/infidelity or addition, and that posters who think they will not have to confront those issues are being "unrealistic" about marriage. That people who are alcoholics or adulterers do manage to stay with the spouse because they are "functional" or "hold it together at home" or the spouses "turn a blind eye" or "become cheaters" and you call those homes "stable". Then you say you would leave if your DH physically abused you -- and coming at the end of everything you wrote, that sounds like you are saying it is the only legitimate reason to end a marriage.

I believe you are promoting a very dangerous (especially to women) and unhealthy (to all, including the kids) idea about marriage -- that marriage is forever and only thing that should end it is if one person is physically abusing the other. Many people have a very high bar even for when physical abuse ends the marriage -- was it more than one time? did you try to get him into counseling? are you contributing to it?, etc.

Personally, I didn't leave my abuser until the second time he threatened to beat the crap out of me. Yes, that's right. Read that sentence and think about how crazy it is that I would stay with someone who even threatened to beat the crap out of me once. I have thought often about why I, a highly educated women with a strong sense of self esteem and a supportive family would have stayed with such a person. The answer comes down to the VERY strong culture of marriage and love that promotes the idea that we have "one" person that is our soulmate and that marriage is forever no matter what and that kids are permanently damaged by ending a marriage that has abuse, addiction or adultery more than they are damaged by staying in such a marriage. Add on top of that the prior to the first physical threat, I suffered through 6-7 years of verbal and emotional abuse. I recognize now that the verbal and emotional abuse -- coming after 3 very good years at the end of which we got engaged -- conditioned me and broke me down to normalize threats, even a threat of physical abuse.

It's not just the culture that supports that but also the legal system (for a long time prior to no-fault divorce) which allowed men to beat and rape their wives without criminalizing those acts as acts of assault or rape. In fact, the legal system today still does not really protect women who are victims of intimate partner physical abuse. Neither the culture nor the legal system protect women at all from verbal or physical abuse. I personally consider AOC's recent speech on the floor of the House to be the first public step in the culture confronting verbal abuse of women. Again, think how crazy that is.

So that is why I say people like you -- who promote the idea of marriage uber alles -- are the reason I (and other women) stay so long in abusive relationships.

It doesn't matter what your *marriage* is like. Maybe you have a great one, maybe not. What matters is the idea of marriage that you are promoting and the idea that women have an obligation to remain in relationships with perpetrators of abuse.

Your sorrow for the fact that I was in an abusive relationship is completely fake if you are at the same time promoting the idea that a marriage with an adulterer or functional alcoholic is "stable".

Thank you, PP. I am So proud of you for getting out and hope you are safe and happy now. I’m in a marriage that sounds similar to yours, before explicit threats. He once raised a fist at me in anger; that was two years ago and there has been no other physical threat but lots of unpredictable screaming rages. In between, he’s lots of people’s ideal husband: he cooks, he cleans, he does the dishes, he pays attention to the child, he brings me cups of tea while I’m working. It could be quiet for weeks and then BOOM, rage. All about politics, not something I have done in the relationship.

How did you get the courage to leave? How did you logistically do it? And how have you kept your kids safe since then? It really scares me how angry he will be, forever, when I become the enemy in his mind, and our child a weapon.

Please google about the circle of abuse -- you definitely have most components of it.

My relationship with my first abuser was long term -- we were engaged but never married. I was the foot-dragger. It was ugly separating from him, but I had a strong financial safety net, and an ace up my sleeve -- he was a lawyer and knew that I knew that if he actually hit me that would be the end of his legal career.

I got engaged a second time years later. For reasons I don't want to get into, we never married but had kids (again, my choice). That relationship was very good on the surface, but I found out about cheating and the situation unravelled in a way that was full of emotional abuse --gaslighting, manipulation, massive lies, etc.

All I can say is this: get a lawyer. Follow the lawyer's advice on logistics. Document everything and make sure there are agreements in writing. I kept my kids safe by breaking up and providing a sane, healthy home for 50% of their life. This is literally the key thing that helped them grow up normally. Living with an abuser to "protect" the kids isn't a rational strategy. Kids learn to accept what they see and live with. The main reason I ended up in two abusive relationships is that I grew up w/ a verbally abusive parent. That is literally the reason that mad me willing to walk away with nothing but my kids. I'm fortunate that I had enough savings and a network of friends and family that I knew I would never be homeless.

I have survived by minimizing contact as much as possible, being pleasant but pretty much grey rocking their dad. By the time we separated, they were both verbal and over age 5, so old enough to tell me if anything truly dangerous was happening.

Thank you. This is PP. my son is now verbal and over 5, and that has been my goal, too...to stay until he would be old enough to call me if things got bad. I’m afraid his dad will intimidate him from ever reaching out, though, or call him a pussy for being upset, or whatever. But I have to remind myself that he will do that anyway, and at least I can free him from that abuse something like 50% of the time.

I am so tired and scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is a sexless marriage a reason to leave? Anyone left a decent marriage when sex was down to 1x a month and no regrets?

Once a month is not sexless. Try many years—that is sexless and a reason to leave.

Sex 10x a year or less is by definition a sexless marriage. I suppose 1x a month can technically fall above that cutoff but its dysfunctional and a sign the marriage is completely broken.

Choose your least worst option: be sexually miserable but see your kids every day or find love again but break up your family (cue the Open Marriage Poster to give the third option...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is a sexless marriage a reason to leave? Anyone left a decent marriage when sex was down to 1x a month and no regrets?

Once a month is not sexless. Try many years—that is sexless and a reason to leave.

Sex 10x a year or less is by definition a sexless marriage. I suppose 1x a month can technically fall above that cutoff but its dysfunctional and a sign the marriage is completely broken.

Choose your least worst option: be sexually miserable but see your kids every day or find love again but break up your family (cue the Open Marriage Poster to give the third option...)

Pardon me - who appointed you to define “sexless marriage”? It’s OK to say that sex 1x a month is not enough for you to lead a happy life. But, it’s not OK to lie or manipulate your spouse into more or have sex secretly outside the marriage. Man up, talk with your spouse and decide how to move forward in honesty to create a good enough life for all of you. Maybe that will be married - maybe divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is a sexless marriage a reason to leave? Anyone left a decent marriage when sex was down to 1x a month and no regrets?

Once a month is not sexless. Try many years—that is sexless and a reason to leave.

Sex 10x a year or less is by definition a sexless marriage. I suppose 1x a month can technically fall above that cutoff but its dysfunctional and a sign the marriage is completely broken.

Choose your least worst option: be sexually miserable but see your kids every day or find love again but break up your family (cue the Open Marriage Poster to give the third option...)

Pardon me - who appointed you to define “sexless marriage”? It’s OK to say that sex 1x a month is not enough for you to lead a happy life. But, it’s not OK to lie or manipulate your spouse into more or have sex secretly outside the marriage. Man up, talk with your spouse and decide how to move forward in honesty to create a good enough life for all of you. Maybe that will be married - maybe divorced.

Assuming you have a normal healthy husband who never would date you with sex just 1x a month, then Woman up and leave him! Do not stay married to a guy you don’t want a normal sex life with. It’s not OK to manipulate your spouse into a monogamous relationship with an asexual room mate. Or accept that your husband is meeting his needs elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too bad Op, you get through this. You don't wreak your kid's lives over this. Not during covid. Not ever, but chances are things will improve post pandemic.

Stop this nonsense. OP will not ruin her children’s lives in they divorce. Many people I knew had divorced parents and while it was sad initially for the kids, they did adjust!!

Honesty OP, if you’re financially independent, then I would consider it. Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage out of guilt! But DO give it time. Usually marriages go through phases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad Op, you get through this. You don't wreak your kid's lives over this. Not during covid. Not ever, but chances are things will improve post pandemic.

Stop this nonsense. OP will not ruin her children’s lives in they divorce. Many people I knew had divorced parents and while it was sad initially for the kids, they did adjust!!

Honesty OP, if you’re financially independent, then I would consider it. Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage out of guilt! But DO give it time. Usually marriages go through phases.

People with many divorced friends are 147% more likely to divorce. People that have a lot friends that are cheaters are also more likely to cheat.

The people you hang around with are often predictive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad Op, you get through this. You don't wreak your kid's lives over this. Not during covid. Not ever, but chances are things will improve post pandemic.

Stop this nonsense. OP will not ruin her children’s lives in they divorce. Many people I knew had divorced parents and while it was sad initially for the kids, they did adjust!!

Honesty OP, if you’re financially independent, then I would consider it. Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage out of guilt! But DO give it time. Usually marriages go through phases.

People with many divorced friends are 147% more likely to divorce. People that have a lot friends that are cheaters are also more likely to cheat.

The people you hang around with are often predictive.

Of course, the people you hang around with/friends usually have the same values. The friends you keep are always predictive. This is why parents don't want their kids hanging out with druggies and kids that skip school. It's the same as adults. If all of your spouse's best friends are cheating on their significant others: major red flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

But life is short so if you are miserable, how long should you stay? I mean, why waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy or bring out the best in you?

Well here is the complicated part...in some long term marriages you can feel miserable for...well, years unfortunately. It happens. Really just run down from life... Especially in your forties and fifties. We have had about 5 very hard years in our 25 year history. That's 80% of the time, it was good....still those years were painful and it was hard and not very pretty, like the marriage album. This is marriage...Now (with help) we are at a great time, but nothing will beat the early days, pre kids, when we mostly ate out, laughed and had a lot of intense sex . Deep down, you know if you need to leave. If you don't know, that means don't go yet i think. Work on it. Hope it improves for you soon...just trying to say you are not alone and if you can save it, try to. It can be worth it. I spent years fantasizing I would go...now I realize I am not likely going anywhere. It feels good to have come through bad times together. It can make you stronger..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad Op, you get through this. You don't wreak your kid's lives over this. Not during covid. Not ever, but chances are things will improve post pandemic.

Stop this nonsense. OP will not ruin her children’s lives in they divorce. Many people I knew had divorced parents and while it was sad initially for the kids, they did adjust!!

Honesty OP, if you’re financially independent, then I would consider it. Don’t stay in an unhappy marriage out of guilt! But DO give it time. Usually marriages go through phases.

People with many divorced friends are 147% more likely to divorce. People that have a lot friends that are cheaters are also more likely to cheat.

The people you hang around with are often predictive.

Of course, the people you hang around with/friends usually have the same values. The friends you keep are always predictive. This is why parents don't want their kids hanging out with druggies and kids that skip school. It's the same as adults. If all of your spouse's best friends are cheating on their significant others: major red flag.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

But life is short so if you are miserable, how long should you stay? I mean, why waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy or bring out the best in you?

Well here is the complicated part...in some long term marriages you can feel miserable for...well, years unfortunately. It happens. Really just run down from life... Especially in your forties and fifties. We have had about 5 very hard years in our 25 year history. That's 80% of the time, it was good....still those years were painful and it was hard and not very pretty, like the marriage album. This is marriage...Now (with help) we are at a great time, but nothing will beat the early days, pre kids, when we mostly ate out, laughed and had a lot of intense sex . Deep down, you know if you need to leave. If you don't know, that means don't go yet i think. Work on it. Hope it improves for you soon...just trying to say you are not alone and if you can save it, try to. It can be worth it. I spent years fantasizing I would go...now I realize I am not likely going anywhere. It feels good to have come through bad times together. It can make you stronger..

We just came out of hard times and the sex is more intense and deep and hot —24 years in.

Intimacy is even deeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is why there are marriage vows. Because it gets really, really hard.

But life is short so if you are miserable, how long should you stay? I mean, why waste your life with someone who doesn't make you happy or bring out the best in you?

Well here is the complicated part...in some long term marriages you can feel miserable for...well, years unfortunately. It happens. Really just run down from life... Especially in your forties and fifties. We have had about 5 very hard years in our 25 year history. That's 80% of the time, it was good....still those years were painful and it was hard and not very pretty, like the marriage album. This is marriage...Now (with help) we are at a great time, but nothing will beat the early days, pre kids, when we mostly ate out, laughed and had a lot of intense sex . Deep down, you know if you need to leave. If you don't know, that means don't go yet i think. Work on it. Hope it improves for you soon...just trying to say you are not alone and if you can save it, try to. It can be worth it. I spent years fantasizing I would go...now I realize I am not likely going anywhere. It feels good to have come through bad times together. It can make you stronger..

We just came out of hard times and the sex is more intense and deep and hot —24 years in.

Intimacy is even deeper.

For us too, yes. I think this often is not talked about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is a sexless marriage a reason to leave? Anyone left a decent marriage when sex was down to 1x a month and no regrets?

Once a month is not sexless. Try many years—that is sexless and a reason to leave.

Sex 10x a year or less is by definition a sexless marriage. I suppose 1x a month can technically fall above that cutoff but its dysfunctional and a sign the marriage is completely broken.

Choose your least worst option: be sexually miserable but see your kids every day or find love again but break up your family (cue the Open Marriage Poster to give the third option...)

Pardon me - who appointed you to define “sexless marriage”? It’s OK to say that sex 1x a month is not enough for you to lead a happy life. But, it’s not OK to lie or manipulate your spouse into more or have sex secretly outside the marriage. Man up, talk with your spouse and decide how to move forward in honesty to create a good enough life for all of you. Maybe that will be married - maybe divorced.

Assuming you have a normal healthy husband who never would date you with sex just 1x a month, then Woman up and leave him! Do not stay married to a guy you don’t want a normal sex life with. It’s not OK to manipulate your spouse into a monogamous relationship with an asexual room mate. Or accept that your husband is meeting his needs elsewhere.

Who defines what is “normal”? No one. Your wife is offering you sex once a month. She is being clear about that. She is not manipulating you into a relationship. You know what you are getting and choose to stay for now at least. You can choose to leave also. Once a month is not asexual and is not a roommate situation. You clearly have a problem accepting your own agency over this situation. You also clearly have difficulty understanding boundaries - what you control about yourself v. what you can’t control about your wife. And you have trouble accepting the consequences of your potential decisions, thus your desire to stay in the marriage while shifting blame to your wife instead of acknowledging that you can make choices and that every choice has pros and cons.

[Anonymous]

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.amp.html