What reasons WOULD you decide to leave/divorce over
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Anonymous
Have her sign an agreement that you have an open marriage. Otherwise, if you start getting sex elsewhere, she will say you cheated and depending on a state where you live she’ll get hefty alimony and 75% of marital assets. If you cheat, never book same hotel rooms, don’t use credit cards or subscribe for online services, don’t write emails or even call to the lady from anywhere but outdoors. My husband is the same, completely delusional. He lives separately in the basement talking to her every day, but says we should buy another home together next year. I am so sick. My teenage son doesn’t want to live with him, asking “when will you already divorce” and they don’t talk |
Anonymous
I hope people can see what a deliberate manipulation your DH engaged in - it is not a coincidence that he encouraged you to drop career. He did this deliberately so that you would feel trapped with him and not leave if you found out about affair. Mine did the same — telling me elaborate lies to hide an affair while encouraging me to have a second child with him. Unfortunately, I did not find out until 6 months pregnant with my second child. That kind of abuse is definitely traumatic. Living with such lies and manipulation is definitely like living in a minefield. I think you should be honest with your son about why you are not divorcing - that you have a plan for financial independence and will divorce in a few years. I can see your pain about the father/son relationship. My advice to you is that only the father has the power to fix that. Get son therapeutic support to help him deal with neglectful/absent fathering. Focus your time and energy on building your positive relationship with your son. Grey rock the dad. |
Anonymous
That’s what I am effectively doing. I found a therapist for my son, travel alone with my son to spend more quality time together, help him with extra tutors work to become more successful. Therapists in the US are very balanced. But even the therapist told us to avoid active father involvement with the son, as there is just so much animosity between them. My husband doesn’t understand why the son hates him, but boys who were brought up by moms don’t forgive dad living in the basement or lying about affairs so easily. My son confronted him about “that lady on photos” even before I found out, and my DH said “it was the colleague”. He lied to son as well, and now that’s it obvious it’s an adultery, the son can’t forgive it. He says he won’t ever cross the steps of dads home if he remarries to her. |
Anonymous
Yes, right. I was 36 when he started the affair! If he told me honestly back then he no longer loved me, I would have built a new life by now, with my looks and career. Now I feel totally f...d up stuck at home during Covid with no realistic job prospects for next 1.5 year. |
Anonymous
This happens when the mother cheats too. The married woman my spouse cheated with was completely delusional--even he recognized it. All of her friends were cheaters or divorced and she kept saying how wonderful it was for the recently divorced friend. They were all on the affair circuit. All very selfish. She constantly would say 'isn't it better for a kid to see a happy mother?'. Her spouse was not abusive, nothing egregious, a very good earner and she never worked a day in her life during the marriage. She convinced herself of all the 'wrongs' to justify going out and having sex with strangers she met on the Internet. My husband was product of divorce and a cheater and would regularly tell her 'no--it sucks. It is awful. A kid would much rather have a stable home environment (again hers did not involve arguments or abuse, just her boredom and alienation of her spouse). Yes, I realize my spouse stepped out, but he ended it and threw himself in extended therapy and never scapegoated me. He is working overtime 24/7 to repair damage and is always with our kids. He is doing everything for us now--cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, individual therapy--not asked for---actively doing himself. He cries and beats himself up and wishes he had addressed all of the childhood trauma his two therapists are working with him now. So, it's not just men. There are women that are just as shady and self-centered and could care less about the fall out of their kids. They delude themselves kids will be happy watching mom go out and get laid because she will be happy. That is crushing to teens, especially boys--knowing mom was cheating on dad most of the marriage. |
Anonymous
I'm very sorry. You sound like a wonderful mother too. |
Anonymous
] Um, no: unless he's in one of the few remaining ass-backwards puritanical states (maybe VA?) nobody cares about an affair, there is no such thing as alimony PP: your ultimatum needs to be very specific: for example sex twice per week every tuesday and friday (with obviously some wiggle room in case tuesday somebody is sickor whetever then move it to wednesday). This is a simple Yes or No question for her with clear expectations of what you need that she can either agree to or not. If she then chooses not to be your wife, she can either move out or look the other way as you save the marriage by having sex elsewhere. |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sitting here alone, rejected by my wife again, sex 2x in 2020 and I have no idea what the point is of a celibate marriage.
So I am done. But she is a SAHM, 13 years now. Economy sucks, she needs a job. We are both stuck. Of course, if I cheat, I'm am the bad guy, not her. Thanks for the vent. I would swap places with the PP who at least got a romantic trip to France with hot sex. Better than a celibate guest room.[/quote] I am that PP who got a romantic trip to France in 2016. He lived with me lying and pretending for 4 more years. In January 2020 moved down to basement, we had sex 1 time in 2020. He still has no guts to tell me and our son about his mistress (we both know by now). I am model looking SAHM, 11 years younger than him, worked most of the marriage except for the last 5 years where my husband told there was no need to work since we’ve become so wealthy and he had to travel for work so I had to be more home with our child. Applying for new IT related masters program now to get a job in 1.5 years and divorce him. My worst thoughts are about our son who disowned him and my lost career which was stolen from me because of him creating a false sense of endless security for me. [/quote] I hope people can see what a deliberate manipulation your DH engaged in - it is not a coincidence that he encouraged you to drop career. He did this deliberately so that you would feel trapped with him and not leave if you found out about affair. Mine did the same — telling me elaborate lies to hide an affair while encouraging me to have a second child with him. Unfortunately, I did not find out until 6 months pregnant with my second child. That kind of abuse is definitely traumatic. Living with such lies and manipulation is definitely like living in a minefield. I think you should be honest with your son about why you are not divorcing - that you have a plan for financial independence and will divorce in a few years. I can see your pain about the father/son relationship. My advice to you is that only the father has the power to fix that. Get son therapeutic support to help him deal with neglectful/absent fathering. Focus your time and energy on building your positive relationship with your son. Grey rock the dad. [/quote] That’s what I am effectively doing. I found a therapist for my son, travel alone with my son to spend more quality time together, help him with extra tutors work to become more successful. Therapists in the US are very balanced. But even the therapist told us to avoid active father involvement with the son, as there is just so much animosity between them. My husband doesn’t understand why the son hates him, but boys who were brought up by moms don’t forgive dad living in the basement or lying about affairs so easily. My son confronted him about “that lady on photos” even before I found out, and my DH said “it was the colleague”. He lied to son as well, and now that’s it obvious it’s an adultery, the son can’t forgive it. He says he won’t ever cross the steps of dads home if he remarries to her. [/quote] This happens when the mother cheats too. The married woman my spouse cheated with was completely delusional--even he recognized it. All of her friends were cheaters or divorced and she kept saying how wonderful it was for the recently divorced friend. They were all on the affair circuit. All very selfish. She constantly would say 'isn't it better for a kid to see a happy mother?'. Her spouse was not abusive, nothing egregious, a very good earner and she never worked a day in her life during the marriage. She convinced herself of all the 'wrongs' to justify going out and having sex with strangers she met on the Internet. My husband was product of divorce and a cheater and would regularly tell her 'no--it sucks. It is awful. A kid would much rather have a stable home environment (again hers did not involve arguments or abuse, just her boredom and alienation of her spouse). Yes, I realize my spouse stepped out, but he ended it and threw himself in extended therapy and never scapegoated me. He is working overtime 24/7 to repair damage and is always with our kids. He is doing everything for us now--cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, individual therapy--not asked for---actively doing himself. He cries and beats himself up and wishes he had addressed all of the childhood trauma his two therapists are working with him now. So, it's not just men. There are women that are just as shady and self-centered and could care less about the fall out of their kids. They delude themselves kids will be happy watching mom go out and get laid because she will be happy. That is crushing to teens, especially boys--knowing mom was cheating on dad most of the marriage.[/quote] My son is indeed crushed about his dad cheating. What makes things worse, the dad pretends like nothing happened while living in the basement. Every night he requests a “family dinner”, and if our boy doesn’t come to dinner, he starts scolding him, threatening to take electronics, cancel play dates etc. When our teen comes to the forced family dinner, you could feel tension in the air. Dad starts nit picking on him, constantly criticizing the way our son eats, holds utensils, holds posture etc. I think he himself tries to relief himself psychologically from the burden of lies by picking on his son. He can no longer be rude or disrespectful to me, as I learned how to be silent, detach myself mentally from everything, and just watch. Our son is almost 15, very athletic and taller than my DH. He squeezes his fists under the table. Once he told me he can barely keep himself from grabbing a steak knife and stubbing his dad. And he is a normal boy who never was aggressive, kind with piers, even shy. I had to take him to a psychologist, as it’s too hard for teenage boys to regulate themselves in such hard family situations. I was advised to take my son out of the house as much as I can, let him avoid his dad, and make sure he spends more time with piers, more play dates, hiking, learning the world - anything just not be home. I can’t wait for school in person learning to resume |
Anonymous
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My son is indeed crushed about his dad cheating. What makes things worse, the dad pretends like nothing happened while living in the basement. Every night he requests a “family dinner”, and if our boy doesn’t come to dinner, he starts scolding him, threatening to take electronics, cancel play dates etc. When our teen comes to the forced family dinner, you could feel tension in the air. Dad starts nit picking on him, constantly criticizing the way our son eats, holds utensils, holds posture etc. I think he himself tries to relief himself psychologically from the burden of lies by picking on his son. He can no longer be rude or disrespectful to me, as I learned how to be silent, detach myself mentally from everything, and just watch.
Our son is almost 15, very athletic and taller than my DH. He squeezes his fists under the table. Once he told me he can barely keep himself from grabbing a steak knife and stubbing his dad. And he is a normal boy who never was aggressive, kind with piers, even shy. I had to take him to a psychologist, as it’s too hard for teenage boys to regulate themselves in such hard family situations. I was advised to take my son out of the house as much as I can, let him avoid his dad, and make sure he spends more time with piers, more play dates, hiking, learning the world - anything just not be home. I can’t wait for school in person learning to resume |
Anonymous
| To PP: there is absolutely spousal alimony in existence in most states, and it can last from 3-5 years to lifelong (silver divorces where the abandoned or cheated on spouse is close to retirement ). Affairs when a working spouse cheats on SAH spouse are not specifically stipulated in legal statutes in terms of the rewards, but judges often make decisions to assign more assets to SAH spouse if the cheat also misused marital assets, or gained career advantages at the expense of the other spouse. This is the case in equitable distribution states and I requested a legal opinion from couple of lawyer, they both said the same. Cheats who lie for years don’t make particular good impression on judges, which is why spouses hire PIs to prove adultery |
Anonymous
Let’s not forget as pp pointed out there are many SAHMs that are the ones doing the cheating NOT the earning husband. Judges look even less kindly on that. |
Anonymous
True. I know one that cheated with a 24 yo guy while the husband was sick in hospital. She ended up being kicked out without any assets. Now works for accommodation arrangements at a wine yard |
Anonymous
I know a SAHM that’s been having affairs on her working spouse for years. She’s in for a rude awakening. |
Anonymous
Is somebody planning on telling her spouse? |
Anonymous
Np: I know people whose parents waited to divorce until the children were grown and those “children” are now very messed up because they feel tricked and lied to...waiting until the kids are out of the house is not doing the better thing, in some cases, it’s much worse for them (if that’s your main concern). |