Forced into a "Healing Circle"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP? I’m trying to decide if this is tongue in cheek or your creative writing exercise. Did you mean to post this instead in the current thread about “office speak”?

The buzzwords and corporate speak are awful.

Agree. The other person is a loon for sure but your writing style is insufferable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds awful, OP. But unless you want to run the risk of this being your hill to die on, I’d play along. Check your job description/ work requirements to see if they say anything about “communicates with colleagues,” or “contributes to positive atmosphere” etc. if so, they could use those to penalize you for not going along. I’m not saying it’s likely, esp since this person is outside your org, but it’s possible.

Maybe I would try to redirect at the circle. Try to get them to focus on actual work and tangible effects (if any), not just feelings. I’d also set limits for the circle thing. Say upfront that you only have fifteen minutes, and you want a very clear objective in mind, even if it’s just making the person “feel heard” (ick), so once that’s over you can say, mission accomplished, were done here!

+1 Play the game OP. Fighting it will not work for you if you've got leadership in both organizations saying that this is their fix. It is a sign of the times. It will pass eventually but for right now you need to accept it and play along even though it is pretty clear that Larla is trying to bully you into doing what she wants.

I wouldn't set limits or even be tongue-in-cheek. I would use the popular culture parlance to my advantage though. So basically go with "I'm hurt and upset that Larla didn't approach me personally before going to supervisors," and "I'm feeling intimidated and pressured that I will always have to act on Larla's input even when it may not be in the best interest of the organization or our goals," and "I'm feeling like we are undermining our clients when we arbitrarily enact staff choices without hearing the voices of our clients."

Oooh thus is good! Take over the call with this babble. It’s perfect.

[Anonymous]

^ this not thus

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds awful, OP. But unless you want to run the risk of this being your hill to die on, I’d play along. Check your job description/ work requirements to see if they say anything about “communicates with colleagues,” or “contributes to positive atmosphere” etc. if so, they could use those to penalize you for not going along. I’m not saying it’s likely, esp since this person is outside your org, but it’s possible.

Maybe I would try to redirect at the circle. Try to get them to focus on actual work and tangible effects (if any), not just feelings. I’d also set limits for the circle thing. Say upfront that you only have fifteen minutes, and you want a very clear objective in mind, even if it’s just making the person “feel heard” (ick), so once that’s over you can say, mission accomplished, were done here!

+1 Play the game OP. Fighting it will not work for you if you've got leadership in both organizations saying that this is their fix. It is a sign of the times. It will pass eventually but for right now you need to accept it and play along even though it is pretty clear that Larla is trying to bully you into doing what she wants.

I wouldn't set limits or even be tongue-in-cheek. I would use the popular culture parlance to my advantage though. So basically go with "I'm hurt and upset that Larla didn't approach me personally before going to supervisors," and "I'm feeling intimidated and pressured that I will always have to act on Larla's input even when it may not be in the best interest of the organization or our goals," and "I'm feeling like we are undermining our clients when we arbitrarily enact staff choices without hearing the voices of our clients."

I forgot to mention the survey. Don't give them ammunition by completing it. Just respond politely that you won't have time to complete the survey but you are fully engaged in the process and looking the healing for both parties that will come from the circle. If they push back during the circle then just say this is all so upsetting and you're feeling attacked.

You are so good! It’s like acting. Use their dialog and play a role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. O. M. G. If this is where the world is headed, I want out.

I will join you.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have a choice and I think it's really noteworthy that your organization is supporting this Healing Circle. I would absolutely hate it. But, thing is, I kind of think you are lucky this is the direction it was went. Other organization could have said that they found your email wildly inappropriate (which I also do given that you put her in what you perceive to be her place in front of a group) and that they will no longer support the project if you are in your current role. Instead, they put in place a plan to try to salvage the relationship. I mean, even you admitted that you could see why the recipient of your email felt that she was being disrespected.

If it were me, in this environment and in the time of Covid, I would certainly take it seriously because I would want to hold on to my job. I would be careful with my responses. I wouldn't be playing any games as PP suggested because most people only think they are good at that sort of thing. I would be open to feedback but I would identify my own boundaries when it comes to working together in the future - but, of course, boundaries that offer each person the opportunity for a voice and that the other side will find acceptable. And, you need to apologize for calling her out in front of the group and agree that you won't do that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have a choice and I think it's really noteworthy that your organization is supporting this Healing Circle. I would absolutely hate it. But, thing is, I kind of think you are lucky this is the direction it was went. Other organization could have said that they found your email wildly inappropriate (which I also do given that you put her in what you perceive to be her place in front of a group) and that they will no longer support the project if you are in your current role. Instead, they put in place a plan to try to salvage the relationship. I mean, even you admitted that you could see why the recipient of your email felt that she was being disrespected.

If it were me, in this environment and in the time of Covid, I would certainly take it seriously because I would want to hold on to my job. I would be careful with my responses. I wouldn't be playing any games as PP suggested because most people only think they are good at that sort of thing. I would be open to feedback but I would identify my own boundaries when it comes to working together in the future - but, of course, boundaries that offer each person the opportunity for a voice and that the other side will find acceptable. And, you need to apologize for calling her out in front of the group and agree that you won't do that again.

+1

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization.

It sounds like both parties erred- but the OP seemed to be focused on face and not meeting the customer’s needs.

So if you can’t see that and participate in good faith- maybe you should consider finding a new role.

You should also research healing circles- they have an interesting background for conflict resolution.

[Anonymous]

Sadly to say in this time of jobs being hard to come by
it may make sense to "go with the flow."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have a choice and I think it's really noteworthy that your organization is supporting this Healing Circle. I would absolutely hate it. But, thing is, I kind of think you are lucky this is the direction it was went. Other organization could have said that they found your email wildly inappropriate (which I also do given that you put her in what you perceive to be her place in front of a group) and that they will no longer support the project if you are in your current role. Instead, they put in place a plan to try to salvage the relationship. I mean, even you admitted that you could see why the recipient of your email felt that she was being disrespected.

If it were me, in this environment and in the time of Covid, I would certainly take it seriously because I would want to hold on to my job. I would be careful with my responses. I wouldn't be playing any games as PP suggested because most people only think they are good at that sort of thing. I would be open to feedback but I would identify my own boundaries when it comes to working together in the future - but, of course, boundaries that offer each person the opportunity for a voice and that the other side will find acceptable. And, you need to apologize for calling her out in front of the group and agree that you won't do that again.

+1

I don’t think people realize the construct of rank across organizations is really messy, especially in the non-profit world. The more “junior” person could have substantial expertise or local credibility that is important to her organization. The sister organization coming in and pulling rank is analogous to HQ dictating to local markets in a more traditional organization.

It sounds like both parties erred- but the OP seemed to be focused on face and not meeting the customer’s needs.

So if you can’t see that and participate in good faith- maybe you should consider finding a new role.

You should also research healing circles- they have an interesting background for conflict resolution.

Interesting. So the healing circle concept is linked to the restorative justice they use in high schools now?

[Anonymous]

For some reason this reminds me of when my SIL invited us to a ceremony when she turned 50.

It was some type of goddess celebration where she took an Indian name (she is a white, American jew). Imagine a middle aged woman emerging from swirling chiffon.

My mother and I could hardly stifle the guffaws.

[Anonymous]

The advice to go in and be a victim too is terrible. Especially if you are older and white there is a sense that white tears (which is how “what about me” will be read whether you cry or now.

Sure this might not be fun but just do it. If you honestly can’t think of what you could have done differently just approach with curiosity. Maybe you’ll discover she felt disRespected because it was a group email. Or she would have preferred a phone call. Whatever. Go and show you are humble and engaged and anti racist, etc.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t finish my thought. “White tears are a silencing tool”

[Anonymous]

Since your supervisor wants you to participate, I would just do it and participate with a good attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since your supervisor wants you to participate, I would just do it and participate with a good attitude.

I agree. It would be tempting to try and turn the tables and make yourself the victim, but that would wind up giving them more ammunition against you.

Instead go in with an open mind and heart, surprise them with your willingness to participate. They will come away with a good opinion of you.

For what it's worth: I would be super uncomfortable with what is being asked, but sometimes you have to do things you don't like. It's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Id take the call and skip the questionnaire. I’m not creating a paper trail of my responses to some questions that another organization is somehow going to use, period. My excuse is simple - happy to help jump on a call, apologies but I have too much work to focus on introspective questionnaires right now.

And then I’d politely decline joining future calls of this type.

THIS.

Also, I'd clarify that the "healing circle" is the facilitated call? That's what your description sounds like to me. And I'd clarify who is going to be present. A facilitated call should be you, the facilitator and the other organization's employee. Do not let yourself be roped into some group session.