DD’s friend suspended for drugs; Disinvite?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't invite her. I'd tell your daughter to disinvite her and blame you for it - Sorry, but my mom said...

I'd have a talk with your kid about choosing friends that are good for her. Your daughter probably already knew this is what the girl was up to and it was bound to lead to trouble. They're just too young for this problem to crop up at this level. The parents don't seem like they'll be able to get a handle on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP are these kids in 8th grade? That is young to get caught with weed at school. My answer would be different if it were high school kids. I can't believe how many parents are thinking this isn't a big deal.

I agree. I would not be ok with my child being friends with this kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you know her to be an otherwise courteous, decent kid, then there is no reason to disinvite her.

If you don't know her at all, or you fear she might try to sneak alcohol or vape in to your party, then no.

I don’t know her well. She’s a newish friend to DD. They met in the fall arts elective. She started socializing lightly with DD’s circle, but also kept other groups of friends. I have known her to be courteous when she came to my home or I gave her a ride home. I felt uncomfortable that she always had a lot of cash and a lot of freedom to move about in the evening without checking in with her parents.

I absolutely worry that she might vape weed in my home. I can hardly ask to search her.

PP you replied to.

Hmm. My son is in 8th grade. He reports other kids doing stupid stuff. I remember one boy in my elite private school stealing calculators to sell them. I reported him, he was duly punished, and he turned out OK. At that age, I think you're allowed to make mistakes. I would not disinvite her. It's one party, for goodness' sake, and this girl has just been suspended - she's already punished by the proper authorities. You'll be present at the party, no one is going to get drunk and kill themselves driving, that's a battle for high school

I think the most important thing is to continue talking with your children and telling them to be careful about who their close friends are. My son has gradually become much better at choosing his friends! Again, this is all practice for the much scarier lives of high schoolers. Build trust, and use all these incidents as talking points with your kids.

[Anonymous]

If the invites hadn’t gone out yet, and the girls aren’t close, it would be fine to not include her. But disinviting is cruel and isolating. I don’t think it labels you as soft on drugs. I think it labels you as someone with values and compassion who doesn’t drop people for one bad choice.

Isn’t there a good chance she is grounded and won’t be able to come?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you disinvite over a little weed? I can’t even wrap my head around that logic.

+1

She sounds like someone that should be invite #1 for a party.

It’s just a little weed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s not otherwise disruptive or rude, I think it’s devestating to be disinvited. It sounds like she’s dealing with actual consequences, which hopefully will lead to a modification in behavior, and no doubt her parents are keeping a very close eye on her. Let her come!

and if she's going to turn this around, she needs some friends who don't vape.

she can't harm your family at a party.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you disinvite over a little weed? I can’t even wrap my head around that logic.

+1. Disinviting would be a huge over reaction

[Anonymous]

I am shocked this is even a question.

You do NOT revoke an invitation. That is in incredibly poor manners. I can't believe this. What you can do is make sure there is more supervision at the party. Raise your child with decent manners, OP. She is learning from you now by how you handle this. I can't believe this is even a question!

Secondly, as so many posters have pointed out, this kid needs to be around kids who aren't doing this stuff. Your child is watching how you handle this. If you become the catty/trash talking parents who are comfortable cruelly socially isolating a young teen (and comfortable violating social mores by dis-inviting her!) then be aware that if your dd has problems later, she will not feel comfortable coming to you. She will wonder if you will support her because she saw how easily you can be cruel to a teen. You would not be trustworthy of helping her in her vulnerability.

Finally, if the other teens' parents are engineering dumping this girl, that says a lot about their character. Trash. They are trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

What does your DD think? Why isn't this up to her?
Put yourself in the other parents' shoes. The child make a mistake. She's been suspended which will be devastating to her school record. Many friends have dropped her and the parents are gossiping about her behind her back and online here. It's a horrible situation all around.

I don't blame the parents for fighting the suspension. Wouldn't you? To me it would depend on what they were saying. Were they saying DD made a terrible mistake but we're on top of this and going crazy with consequences and we don't feel it should damage her chances to get into a good college? Or are the parents saying the principal sucks and smoking a little weed is not a big deal and poor DD is being treated unfairly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked this is even a question.

You do NOT revoke an invitation. That is in incredibly poor manners. I can't believe this. What you can do is make sure there is more supervision at the party. Raise your child with decent manners, OP. She is learning from you now by how you handle this. I can't believe this is even a question!

Secondly, as so many posters have pointed out, this kid needs to be around kids who aren't doing this stuff. Your child is watching how you handle this. If you become the catty/trash talking parents who are comfortable cruelly socially isolating a young teen (and comfortable violating social mores by dis-inviting her!) then be aware that if your dd has problems later, she will not feel comfortable coming to you. She will wonder if you will support her because she saw how easily you can be cruel to a teen. You would not be trustworthy of helping her in her vulnerability.

Finally, if the other teens' parents are engineering dumping this girl, that says a lot about their character. Trash. They are trash.

+1

[Anonymous]

I think your daughter is old enough to make the decision herself, and it's a decision that can help dd grow.

I would sit DD down and talk about it - outline why you are worried (is the friend going to be vaping/high at the party, DD's other friends not showing up, etc) - and listen to your daughter.

Obviously the friend is young to be getting in this type of trouble, and that is troubling. But at the same time I also feel for the friend; she likely is feeling the effects of her action and probably feeling pretty isolated at the moment - poor girl might need some loyal friends like DD at the moment to take this mistake and turn it around. Smoking a bit of weed, even at such a young age, isn't a mistake that is irreversible, and alienating the poor girl and disinviting her from her social group isn't going to help her make better decisions; it's just gonna label her the druggie for who knows how long.

At around that age when I started smoking weed, and got caught similarly. Honestly, getting labelled as a druggie stuck with me well into young adulthood and was a huge reason I would later struggle with substance abuse myself - I was cut off from my former, more clean cut friends early in high school so I was drawn to a rougher crowd because they didnt care I had been caught smoking weed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread from a different perspective than many who are talking about tbe impact of ostracizing a girl who vaped weed.

I was in an abusive relationship and a relationship where alcoholism was an issue, which has made me sensitive to the need to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and the ways in which social pressures to be nice, non-judgmental and inclusive pressure us to continue to expose ourselves to unhealthy people or feel responsible for mitigating others bad choices.

The girl who vaped weed and charged for it did something illegal and promoted unhealthy behavior among her peers. There are consequences for that. Everyone gets to decide on their own how they feel about it personally, but for me, I get to decide what kind of home environment I want and people whom I know to do drugs are not welcome in that environment. The DD’s (and everyone’s) worry about what is the vape girl going to do at the party is so reminiscent of how families get wrapped up in what is the alcoholic going to do.

For me, I would use this to teach healthy boundaries. I’d say I know that the girl did something wrong and that she’s young, so i don’t view her as a bad person, but that I also don’t feel comfortable having someone in my home who is a known drug user. My boundary would be that DD could still have a relationship/contact with the girl in ways that were not in my home and not private and always supervised by adults. Her behavior has resulted in a loss of trust that is a necessity for access to independent activities and privacy and being welcomed into people’s homes. It takes time to earn that back through exhibiting changed behavior.

I’m OP. This really resonated with me as a result of some family background issues. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

The people who think it’s important for the friend that she have friends like your DD understanf that friends’ values rub off and kids influence one another. Your priority is rightfully your daughter and I think it’s fine to say you can’t have people who get caught smoking and selling weed at school as friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised no one posted my first thought about this. I have family members who pled guilty and served time for illegal substances. We still love them, invite them to our home, interact, etc. We practice unconditional love. We don't allow illegal behavior to occur (so showing up for Thanksgiving high means you can't stay, shooting up in the bathroom means you leave, etc.). I like the pp who suggest talking to your DD about what she feels comfortable with, I think excluding anyone who has made a bad choice is going to make for very small celebrations in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised no one posted my first thought about this. I have family members who pled guilty and served time for illegal substances. We still love them, invite them to our home, interact, etc. We practice unconditional love. We don't allow illegal behavior to occur (so showing up for Thanksgiving high means you can't stay, shooting up in the bathroom means you leave, etc.). I like the pp who suggest talking to your DD about what she feels comfortable with, I think excluding anyone who has made a bad choice is going to make for very small celebrations in the future.

Well, family is family, while we get to pick and choose our friends.
I wouldn't 'disinvite' the girl who has already been invited but would definitely have a talk with my child about limiting contacts with her in the future. I don't know what shocks me more, vaping weed or charging other kids for a hit. Some 'friend' your daughter got, OP!