DD’s friend suspended for drugs; Disinvite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad you got more information about the situation, OP, and sounds like a serious situation.

I don't know why some people are so casual about marijuana use in teens - the science is pretty clear. The even bigger thing for me is that she was using at school, and possibly charging for hits as well. Huge red flag. It's not like she was experimenting at home - it was at school, and involving other kids, and she was so likely to be caught, which she must have known. This kid seems to have bigger issues that need attention and help, and it's not up to your child to fix another kid. And even without the new information you have every right as a host to decide who comes to your home and who your child spends time with, and what you are comfortable with. And it's not your child's responsibility to include the girl despite her discomfort about her marijuana use, just so that the child could avoid the "devastation" of being disinvited. It's a party, for goodness sakes, and it's your family's party. Kids need their parents' backup when they are uncomfortable, as there is often good reason. If there isn't, that's another conversation, but it sounds like she had good reasons to be uncomfortable.

But anyway...sounds like things are more clear now and your gut was telling you something.

+1

No way in hell I’d alllw this girl in my house after what happened. Have some backbone! The last thing I’d be worrying about is the “devastation” of uninviting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad you got more information about the situation, OP, and sounds like a serious situation.

I don't know why some people are so casual about marijuana use in teens - the science is pretty clear. The even bigger thing for me is that she was using at school, and possibly charging for hits as well. Huge red flag. It's not like she was experimenting at home - it was at school, and involving other kids, and she was so likely to be caught, which she must have known. This kid seems to have bigger issues that need attention and help, and it's not up to your child to fix another kid. And even without the new information you have every right as a host to decide who comes to your home and who your child spends time with, and what you are comfortable with. And it's not your child's responsibility to include the girl despite her discomfort about her marijuana use, just so that the child could avoid the "devastation" of being disinvited. It's a party, for goodness sakes, and it's your family's party. Kids need their parents' backup when they are uncomfortable, as there is often good reason. If there isn't, that's another conversation, but it sounds like she had good reasons to be uncomfortable.

But anyway...sounds like things are more clear now and your gut was telling you something.

+1

No way in hell I’d alllw this girl in my house after what happened. Have some backbone! The last thing I’d be worrying about is the “devastation” of uninviting her.

Yes -- because that is exactly what you want to happen to your own kid when she cheats on a test, skips school, or drinks, or smokes, or does something with a boyfriend/girlfriend. Nathaniel Hawthorne has some letters that you can hand out. Or -- you could, you know, be talking to your own kid about how to treat folks who are acquintences/friends.

[Anonymous]

There is no way this kid would be at my party. She’s earned the dis invite

[Anonymous]

We disinvited her. It was drama free. Her family plans to move from the area later this summer and we wish her the best with her fresh start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT uninvite her it’s bad social faux pas. I would suggest inviting the said child to an informal lunch at your home and laying out your expectations that she is permitted to attend as long as she does not bring any drug paraphernalia with her. Teens often make bad choices, especially when their home life may be uphending. No it’s not your job to try to fix that, but compassion would be nice. You never know when you or your child could find yourselves in need of a little extra compassion during a trying time.

You don’t need to explain yourselves to your parent/peer social group other than you are trying to be compassionate.

Obviously that doesn’t mean your DD should continue to hang out with the invited person but show your daughter you do not uninvite people to a party because of a bad personal choice they made. That amounts to social exclusion and now-a-days social outcasts shoot up parties, schools, etc. They also commit suicide. You DO NOT want this blood on your conscious over something so minor as a party. People who become social outcasts or have mental health problems never remember what you say but they do remember how you made them feel.

Continue to make clear to your DD that drugs of any kind is unacceptable.

Someone mentioned earlier to fill out your DD’s summer social calendar. I concur. Your daughter does not have to be good friends with the child but they can be friendly (as in if I see you I’ll chat but we are not going to seriously hang out)

The social faux pas of dealing drugs in school trumps the social faux pas of disinviting.

[Anonymous]

She would be PNG’ed in my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the girl will need some non-drugging friends. We’re hoping for clues from her parents about what steps they will take to get her on a better path. Right now, they are focused on the suspension. That isn’t inspiring confidence that they take it seriously.

Even if our thinking was “It’s just a little weed.”, there are other parents in the friend group who told their teens to drop the girl. Partly because the girl’s parents appear to want to fight the suspension although there’s no doubt she possessed on school grounds. If she comes to DD’s party, at least 4 other girls might not. I’m worried this will label us soft on drugs. Maybe splinter DD off into a peer group of weed smokers.

These people are ridiculous.

This is straight out of some bad soap opera but I can totally relate OP. cliques suck.