DD’s friend suspended for drugs; Disinvite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the girl will need some non-drugging friends. We’re hoping for clues from her parents about what steps they will take to get her on a better path. Right now, they are focused on the suspension. That isn’t inspiring confidence that they take it seriously.

Even if our thinking was “It’s just a little weed.”, there are other parents in the friend group who told their teens to drop the girl. Partly because the girl’s parents appear to want to fight the suspension although there’s no doubt she possessed on school grounds. If she comes to DD’s party, at least 4 other girls might not. I’m worried this will label us soft on drugs. Maybe splinter DD off into a peer group of weed smokers.

It really is none of your business how they discipline their child. You should have no insight into this. Of course some of their efforts are going to be focused on the suspension, because that has a direct consequence on their daughter in the near term. Again, you do not know what is going on at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

Is that really the only punishment you think is valid for this offense? Maybe they are doing something else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

Is that really the only punishment you think is valid for this offense? Maybe they are doing something else?

Their something else is a research paper about vaping.

I see that they are struggling with the realities of parenting a young teen. There’s a disconnect. One parent is rather daydreamy in an absent minded professor way. The other is very involved on a narrow aspect of child development and otherwise just focused on work and adult socializing. The girl is treated as a fourth adult in the household —there’s another relative in the home, but also never there.

A lot of additional independently verified info emerged today and the situation is more serious than just experimenting. Her attendance at a party in my home is no longer in question.

[Anonymous]

Glad you got more information about the situation, OP, and sounds like a serious situation.

I don't know why some people are so casual about marijuana use in teens - the science is pretty clear. The even bigger thing for me is that she was using at school, and possibly charging for hits as well. Huge red flag. It's not like she was experimenting at home - it was at school, and involving other kids, and she was so likely to be caught, which she must have known. This kid seems to have bigger issues that need attention and help, and it's not up to your child to fix another kid. And even without the new information you have every right as a host to decide who comes to your home and who your child spends time with, and what you are comfortable with. And it's not your child's responsibility to include the girl despite her discomfort about her marijuana use, just so that the child could avoid the "devastation" of being disinvited. It's a party, for goodness sakes, and it's your family's party. Kids need their parents' backup when they are uncomfortable, as there is often good reason. If there isn't, that's another conversation, but it sounds like she had good reasons to be uncomfortable.

But anyway...sounds like things are more clear now and your gut was telling you something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's great about the ostracize approach, is that when your child wears something she doesn't realize is too risque, gets a bad grade because she was sick, send a text the others didn't like, makes a poor decision and uses alcohol, etc it will be SHE who finds herself friendless or pushed into the "bad crowd." What comes around goes around and hanging out with judgemental peers is a shallow soul to grow in.

Amen. Lots of smug parents.

It really depends on the situation right? There is a middle ground between "friends forever" with someone that is continuing to engage in poor decision-making and the sudden silent treatment for someone whose blouse was objectionable. Personally, I can't imagine being indifferent about drug use by a teen, even if I acknowledge that many teens make the mistake.

[Anonymous]

Invite a dealer to your party? That’s good judgement

[Anonymous]

Do NOT uninvite her it’s bad social faux pas. I would suggest inviting the said child to an informal lunch at your home and laying out your expectations that she is permitted to attend as long as she does not bring any drug paraphernalia with her. Teens often make bad choices, especially when their home life may be uphending. No it’s not your job to try to fix that, but compassion would be nice. You never know when you or your child could find yourselves in need of a little extra compassion during a trying time.

You don’t need to explain yourselves to your parent/peer social group other than you are trying to be compassionate.

Obviously that doesn’t mean your DD should continue to hang out with the invited person but show your daughter you do not uninvite people to a party because of a bad personal choice they made. That amounts to social exclusion and now-a-days social outcasts shoot up parties, schools, etc. They also commit suicide. You DO NOT want this blood on your conscious over something so minor as a party. People who become social outcasts or have mental health problems never remember what you say but they do remember how you made them feel.

Continue to make clear to your DD that drugs of any kind is unacceptable.

Someone mentioned earlier to fill out your DD’s summer social calendar. I concur. Your daughter does not have to be good friends with the child but they can be friendly (as in if I see you I’ll chat but we are not going to seriously hang out)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

Curious - what is “the type” of family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

Curious - what is “the type” of family?

16:25

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

Is that really the only punishment you think is valid for this offense? Maybe they are doing something else?

Their something else is a research paper about vaping.

I see that they are struggling with the realities of parenting a young teen. There’s a disconnect. One parent is rather daydreamy in an absent minded professor way. The other is very involved on a narrow aspect of child development and otherwise just focused on work and adult socializing. The girl is treated as a fourth adult in the household —there’s another relative in the home, but also never there.

A lot of additional independently verified info emerged today and the situation is more serious than just experimenting. Her attendance at a party in my home is no longer in question.

Good! That is the right choice. 13 to 14 is really young to be making this kind of mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do people really feel suspension is too harsh a consequence for posing and using drugs at school?

A day or two? Sure. Expelling is too far, IMO.
But I also think the school should assign her a 5-7 page research paper on the dangers of vaping and what it does to a still-developing brain to be done during her suspension.

It seems her parents already have her doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread from a different perspective than many who are talking about tbe impact of ostracizing a girl who vaped weed.

I was in an abusive relationship and a relationship where alcoholism was an issue, which has made me sensitive to the need to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and the ways in which social pressures to be nice, non-judgmental and inclusive pressure us to continue to expose ourselves to unhealthy people or feel responsible for mitigating others bad choices.

The girl who vaped weed and charged for it did something illegal and promoted unhealthy behavior among her peers. There are consequences for that. Everyone gets to decide on their own how they feel about it personally, but for me, I get to decide what kind of home environment I want and people whom I know to do drugs are not welcome in that environment. The DD’s (and everyone’s) worry about what is the vape girl going to do at the party is so reminiscent of how families get wrapped up in what is the alcoholic going to do.

For me, I would use this to teach healthy boundaries. I’d say I know that the girl did something wrong and that she’s young, so i don’t view her as a bad person, but that I also don’t feel comfortable having someone in my home who is a known drug user. My boundary would be that DD could still have a relationship/contact with the girl in ways that were not in my home and not private and always supervised by adults. Her behavior has resulted in a loss of trust that is a necessity for access to independent activities and privacy and being welcomed into people’s homes. It takes time to earn that back through exhibiting changed behavior.

I get that you are sensitive to unhealthy dynamics given your history. I am, too. I grew up in a horrifically violent, abusive, alcoholic family and not all my siblings survived it. If I knew about your history, I'd struggle to have you in my home. It would just bring back too many memories and I'd worry you would lapse back into learned behaviors and drag me into them. I find it triggering to be around people like you. So, I guess I do understand why you would want vape girl disinvited. I guess when you've got a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

That's fine. I don't feel that everyone is obligated to socialize with me or my family. If my not drinking or using drugs and being able to draw boundaries with my polite words to protect myself is too much for you, then we are not a good fit for private socializing.

[Anonymous]

Alright --

The real problem that you have here is that you are now creating an unliveable situation that means your own kid will, eventually, and most likely quite soon (I would say this summer), start lying to you about absolutely everything.

Why?

Because your kid will very soon (a) drink alchohol (b) smoke a joint (c) cheat on a test or assignment and/or (d) have sexual contact with someone of the opposite sex and also with someone of their own sex.

With your actions now with this girl, you have made it very clear to your child that the repercussion for any of these types of actions by your kid is to be forever banned by you, and by your parent friends. And, frankly, hated by you.

How do you really think that plays out in the next year or two?

Personally, I would suggest leaving the invite alone and having some conversations with your own kid about drug and alcohol use. What your own thoughts are on the subject and your own experiences. What could be the impact on her (your kid)? What can be the impact on her friends?

These are topics for more than one discussion. And, do not tie the discussion to this particular kid. If it was not this kid, it would be someone else. And, frankly, it already is.
If the kid was selling hits -- who were they selling too? You want your own kid making their own hopefully good decisions. And, very important, being willing to keep talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread from a different perspective than many who are talking about tbe impact of ostracizing a girl who vaped weed.

I was in an abusive relationship and a relationship where alcoholism was an issue, which has made me sensitive to the need to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and the ways in which social pressures to be nice, non-judgmental and inclusive pressure us to continue to expose ourselves to unhealthy people or feel responsible for mitigating others bad choices.

The girl who vaped weed and charged for it did something illegal and promoted unhealthy behavior among her peers. There are consequences for that. Everyone gets to decide on their own how they feel about it personally, but for me, I get to decide what kind of home environment I want and people whom I know to do drugs are not welcome in that environment. The DD’s (and everyone’s) worry about what is the vape girl going to do at the party is so reminiscent of how families get wrapped up in what is the alcoholic going to do.

For me, I would use this to teach healthy boundaries. I’d say I know that the girl did something wrong and that she’s young, so i don’t view her as a bad person, but that I also don’t feel comfortable having someone in my home who is a known drug user. My boundary would be that DD could still have a relationship/contact with the girl in ways that were not in my home and not private and always supervised by adults. Her behavior has resulted in a loss of trust that is a necessity for access to independent activities and privacy and being welcomed into people’s homes. It takes time to earn that back through exhibiting changed behavior.

I get that you are sensitive to unhealthy dynamics given your history. I am, too. I grew up in a horrifically violent, abusive, alcoholic family and not all my siblings survived it. If I knew about your history, I'd struggle to have you in my home. It would just bring back too many memories and I'd worry you would lapse back into learned behaviors and drag me into them. I find it triggering to be around people like you. So, I guess I do understand why you would want vape girl disinvited. I guess when you've got a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

That's fine. I don't feel that everyone is obligated to socialize with me or my family. If my not drinking or using drugs and being able to draw boundaries with my polite words to protect myself is too much for you, then we are not a good fit for private socializing.

Wow pp. You find it "triggering" to be around people who have been victims of abusers in the past and wouldn't let them into your home? YOU are the exact kind of person I definitely would not want in my home.

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do don’t base your decision on image and how others will think this sets up a terrible example for your daughter. Think about the kind of adult you would like your daughter to be and what lessons you want to teacher her. Do you want her to learn to make decisions based on what is right or based on what others think? Do you want her to learn that there would be people/friends who would forgive her should she make any mistakes or punish her for them? Those are the things you should consider IMO