DD’s friend suspended for drugs; Disinvite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

Well that's not very nice of them. I have a 14 year old. This is not the right way of handling teen issues.

I think I wrote than clumsily. The question was “Is X going to the movie, too?” The implication was “If X goes, my child won’t be allowed to go.” No one said to disinvite the girl. It turned out that she was never going to go to the movie.

[Anonymous]

No, make it clear to your kid not to vape. If its not exposure to this kid, its another. Supervise the party. Its not your job to punish her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

We don't ground. That doesn't mean there are no consequences. Parents need to supervise their kids. This kid needs supervision and support and someone to teach.

[Anonymous]

There are kids who do do drugs and don't get caught. These are the kids who will show up at your party . I would impress upon your child you do not approve of drugs and yes people will offer them to DC and you must learn to say no.
Just like sex, no means no...
Don't disinvite the child. It's so young to have made such a devastating choice...
I had many friends in high school and college who did drugs and I said no a lot...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, make it clear to your kid not to vape. If its not exposure to this kid, its another. Supervise the party. Its not your job to punish her.

The last sentence rings the most important and true to me. But OP won't hear. People keep saying she is not coming down on the girl, but read her follow ups. She absolutely is.

[Anonymous]

OP are these kids in 8th grade? That is young to get caught with weed at school. My answer would be different if it were high school kids. I can't believe how many parents are thinking this isn't a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, make it clear to your kid not to vape. If its not exposure to this kid, its another. Supervise the party. Its not your job to punish her.

The last sentence rings the most important and true to me. But OP won't hear. People keep saying she is not coming down on the girl, but read her follow ups. She absolutely is.

Your DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the girl will need some non-drugging friends. We’re hoping for clues from her parents about what steps they will take to get her on a better path. Right now, they are focused on the suspension. That isn’t inspiring confidence that they take it seriously.

Even if our thinking was “It’s just a little weed.”, there are other parents in the friend group who told their teens to drop the girl. Partly because the girl’s parents appear to want to fight the suspension although there’s no doubt she possessed on school grounds. If she comes to DD’s party, at least 4 other girls might not. I’m worried this will label us soft on drugs. Maybe splinter DD off into a peer group of weed smokers.

These people are ridiculous.

Agree. Kids make mistakes, and what the girl did was hardly egregious.

A mistake is an unintended error. An accident. I forgot to put my cellphone in my locker before taking my AP Exam and it fell out in front of the proctor.

I used my vape to consume weed at school. That’s a poor judgment.

A 'mistake' isn't an accident. From Merriam-Webster
mistake noun
Definition of mistake
1 : a wrong judgment : MISUNDERSTANDING
2 : a wrong action or statement proceeding from faulty judgment, inadequate knowledge, or inattention

The vaping girl absolutely made a mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the girl will need some non-drugging friends. We’re hoping for clues from her parents about what steps they will take to get her on a better path. Right now, they are focused on the suspension. That isn’t inspiring confidence that they take it seriously.

Even if our thinking was “It’s just a little weed.”, there are other parents in the friend group who told their teens to drop the girl. Partly because the girl’s parents appear to want to fight the suspension although there’s no doubt she possessed on school grounds. If she comes to DD’s party, at least 4 other girls might not. I’m worried this will label us soft on drugs. Maybe splinter DD off into a peer group of weed smokers.

These people are ridiculous.

Agree. Kids make mistakes, and what the girl did was hardly egregious.

A mistake is an unintended error. An accident. I forgot to put my cellphone in my locker before taking my AP Exam and it fell out in front of the proctor.

I used my vape to consume weed at school. That’s a poor judgment.

A 'mistake' isn't an accident. From Merriam-Webster
mistake noun
Definition of mistake
1 : a wrong judgment : MISUNDERSTANDING
2 : a wrong action or statement proceeding from faulty judgment, inadequate knowledge, or inattention

The vaping girl absolutely made a mistake.

Hi, Vaping Girl Mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you know her to be an otherwise courteous, decent kid, then there is no reason to disinvite her.

If you don't know her at all, or you fear she might try to sneak alcohol or vape in to your party, then no.

I don’t know her well. She’s a newish friend to DD. They met in the fall arts elective. She started socializing lightly with DD’s circle, but also kept other groups of friends. I have known her to be courteous when she came to my home or I gave her a ride home. I felt uncomfortable that she always had a lot of cash and a lot of freedom to move about in the evening without checking in with her parents.

I absolutely worry that she might vape weed in my home. I can hardly ask to search her.

And if she does? You’re not responsible for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you know her to be an otherwise courteous, decent kid, then there is no reason to disinvite her.

If you don't know her at all, or you fear she might try to sneak alcohol or vape in to your party, then no.

I don’t know her well. She’s a newish friend to DD. They met in the fall arts elective. She started socializing lightly with DD’s circle, but also kept other groups of friends. I have known her to be courteous when she came to my home or I gave her a ride home. I felt uncomfortable that she always had a lot of cash and a lot of freedom to move about in the evening without checking in with her parents.

I absolutely worry that she might vape weed in my home. I can hardly ask to search her.

And if she does? You’re not responsible for her.

Social host liability

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the girl will need some non-drugging friends. We’re hoping for clues from her parents about what steps they will take to get her on a better path. Right now, they are focused on the suspension. That isn’t inspiring confidence that they take it seriously.

Even if our thinking was “It’s just a little weed.”, there are other parents in the friend group who told their teens to drop the girl. Partly because the girl’s parents appear to want to fight the suspension although there’s no doubt she possessed on school grounds. If she comes to DD’s party, at least 4 other girls might not. I’m worried this will label us soft on drugs. Maybe splinter DD off into a peer group of weed smokers.

Please don't listen to the other posters, do not invite this girl. You want your kid to end up with the non-drug group when this group breaks up into two. You don't want to have to worry that this girl is bringing weed to the party. If it were my kid getting caught with weed at school and potentially selling, my kid wouldn't be attending any party in the summer.

+1

[Anonymous]

Its everywhere. You need to parent your kid and make it clear it will not happen in your home and monitor it. Look at how many posts we have in other topics of you how approving the parents are or turn their back or are using themselves. Set a good example, keep your standards for your kid but don't shame this girl or you will make things worse. And, how do you want your kid treated if it was them?

[Anonymous]

I read this thread from a different perspective than many who are talking about tbe impact of ostracizing a girl who vaped weed.

I was in an abusive relationship and a relationship where alcoholism was an issue, which has made me sensitive to the need to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and the ways in which social pressures to be nice, non-judgmental and inclusive pressure us to continue to expose ourselves to unhealthy people or feel responsible for mitigating others bad choices.

The girl who vaped weed and charged for it did something illegal and promoted unhealthy behavior among her peers. There are consequences for that. Everyone gets to decide on their own how they feel about it personally, but for me, I get to decide what kind of home environment I want and people whom I know to do drugs are not welcome in that environment. The DD’s (and everyone’s) worry about what is the vape girl going to do at the party is so reminiscent of how families get wrapped up in what is the alcoholic going to do.

For me, I would use this to teach healthy boundaries. I’d say I know that the girl did something wrong and that she’s young, so i don’t view her as a bad person, but that I also don’t feel comfortable having someone in my home who is a known drug user. My boundary would be that DD could still have a relationship/contact with the girl in ways that were not in my home and not private and always supervised by adults. Her behavior has resulted in a loss of trust that is a necessity for access to independent activities and privacy and being welcomed into people’s homes. It takes time to earn that back through exhibiting changed behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

What "type" are you referring to? You seem awfully judgmental.

Kids make mistakes. If we shun them for every thing, and judge the family as some how morally bankrupt, how is that helping? And more importantly, what does that say about you?