DD’s friend suspended for drugs; Disinvite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really should not matter if you invite or not. If the offender were my kid, she wouldn't be going anywhere for quite a while.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Really should not matter if you invite or not. If the offender were my kid, she wouldn't be going anywhere for quite a while.

+ 1

That would be the case if it was my child as well. Her parents are taking a different approach. DD said the girl told them her parents assigned her a research paper about vaping. As a result, Friday and today she was on the computer sending messages about the dangers of vaping to classmates. DD says it’s unclear if the girl is being flippant or is really surprised that it is bad for you, whether it’s weed or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the girl will need some non-drugging friends. We’re hoping for clues from her parents about what steps they will take to get her on a better path. Right now, they are focused on the suspension. That isn’t inspiring confidence that they take it seriously.

Even if our thinking was “It’s just a little weed.”, there are other parents in the friend group who told their teens to drop the girl. Partly because the girl’s parents appear to want to fight the suspension although there’s no doubt she possessed on school grounds. If she comes to DD’s party, at least 4 other girls might not. I’m worried this will label us soft on drugs. Maybe splinter DD off into a peer group of weed smokers.

Omg. Do you hear yourself? Of course the parents are fighting the suspension. Would you not fight a punishment if you thought it was too harsh? And you - as an adult - are caving to peer pressure?

[Anonymous]

Do people really feel suspension is too harsh a consequence for posing and using drugs at school?

[Anonymous]

^possessing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the girl will need some non-drugging friends. We’re hoping for clues from her parents about what steps they will take to get her on a better path. Right now, they are focused on the suspension. That isn’t inspiring confidence that they take it seriously.

Even if our thinking was “It’s just a little weed.”, there are other parents in the friend group who told their teens to drop the girl. Partly because the girl’s parents appear to want to fight the suspension although there’s no doubt she possessed on school grounds. If she comes to DD’s party, at least 4 other girls might not. I’m worried this will label us soft on drugs. Maybe splinter DD off into a peer group of weed smokers.

Please don't listen to the other posters, do not invite this girl. You want your kid to end up with the non-drug group when this group breaks up into two. You don't want to have to worry that this girl is bringing weed to the party. If it were my kid getting caught with weed at school and potentially selling, my kid wouldn't be attending any party in the summer.

+1. Lots of "just a little weed" no-big-deal posters on DCUM and more will be back here. But OP, your perception that this could end up fracturing the friend group is right. As the PP here notes, you don't want your DD on the wrong side (and yeah, it IS wrong) of that fracture. And teachers at school will know who is and who isn't in the friend groups and believe me,

It is truly sad that the girl's family may have more money than sense. It's sad especially if she is otherwise an OK kid. Please listen to and watch out for your DD; teen girls often want to help and save friends who are in trouble--many teen girls feel they need to stand by the troubled friend, won't abandon her etc. That is compassionate and kind and laudable yet can end up in a very bad place for the kind and caring kid. I've seen it happen, OP. Teen girls trying to be the supportive friend who end up sucked into drama that drags them down.

Rather than flat-out ordering your DD to disinvite, talk to DD about the party and point out that the girl isn't a close friend. Talk to DD about how peer group counts more and more through high school and how the girl will get help from those qualified to help. And in the end ensure the girl doesn't come. I sound uncaring, I'm sure, but I'm not. The kid does need help. But other teens aren't responsible for that.

Unless this is a year-round school-- Fortunately summer is very close so the daily school routine stops. If DD wouldn't have seen much or anything of this girl over the summer, good. It created a natural break in how much the other kids will see and think of her. I hope DD has a full, busy summer planned.

These are the important parts of the message that you want to pass along. You really need to emphasize that social exclusion is desirable for groups and that every teen should think first about what their friends will think. Teenagers just don't put enough importance on their peer groups without parents telling them how important it is to run with the right crowd. You really want to emphasize that other people's perception of you is the key. So many teens fail to evaluate things in terms of what other people are going to think. A few are even so messed up that they try to think about how their actions affect others. Nobody has ever gone wrong following the herd. As long as your behavior is tolerated in the group, then you are good. Really hammer that home. And if your teen should try to stick with this friend, make sure that you intervene, preferably through some duplicitous means to split your DD from this friend. After all, how will your DD make the right friends and keep them if you don't engineer and control her relationships?

[Anonymous]

Conversely, 15:28, no teen has ever later regretted the decision to continue hanging out with friends that their parents or teachers are concerned out. It always ends well. There’s never any negative consequences to being “a good friend” to a troubled person. You parents will always be able to rescue you from any fallout from this continued association.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Conversely, 15:28, no teen has ever later regretted the decision to continue hanging out with friends that their parents or teachers are concerned out. It always ends well. There’s never any negative consequences to being “a good friend” to a troubled person. You parents will always be able to rescue you from any fallout from this continued association.

Of course, this isn't true, but that's part of why learning to manage your friendships is an important part of social development. Leaning on the crutch of my mom says we can't be friends anymore or just ensuring this person is excluded from events doesn't do anything to help with learning to set boundaries.

My point was not "weed, nbd". OP stated this person wasn't a close friend, and it may be entirely appropriate to step away from the friendship if this seems like it's going to be a recurring theme. But even if that is the case, it should not be for reasons that reinforce the idea that social standing should be your top criterion for making these decisions. It leads to a future of bad decisions. Either because the teen tries to fit in with the "right crowd" when they bringe drink or take Adderall because their life will just end if they don't go to an appropriately prestigious college. Even assuming they avoid those kind of bad decisions, there are so many other things that this plays into: decisions about career, family, and budgeting.

[Anonymous]

What's great about the ostracize approach, is that when your child wears something she doesn't realize is too risque, gets a bad grade because she was sick, send a text the others didn't like, makes a poor decision and uses alcohol, etc it will be SHE who finds herself friendless or pushed into the "bad crowd." What comes around goes around and hanging out with judgemental peers is a shallow soul to grow in.

[Anonymous]

*soil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the girl will need some non-drugging friends. We’re hoping for clues from her parents about what steps they will take to get her on a better path. Right now, they are focused on the suspension. That isn’t inspiring confidence that they take it seriously.

Even if our thinking was “It’s just a little weed.”, there are other parents in the friend group who told their teens to drop the girl. Partly because the girl’s parents appear to want to fight the suspension although there’s no doubt she possessed on school grounds. If she comes to DD’s party, at least 4 other girls might not. I’m worried this will label us soft on drugs. Maybe splinter DD off into a peer group of weed smokers.

Please don't listen to the other posters, do not invite this girl. You want your kid to end up with the non-drug group when this group breaks up into two. You don't want to have to worry that this girl is bringing weed to the party. If it were my kid getting caught with weed at school and potentially selling, my kid wouldn't be attending any party in the summer.

+1. Lots of "just a little weed" no-big-deal posters on DCUM and more will be back here. But OP, your perception that this could end up fracturing the friend group is right. As the PP here notes, you don't want your DD on the wrong side (and yeah, it IS wrong) of that fracture. And teachers at school will know who is and who isn't in the friend groups and believe me,

It is truly sad that the girl's family may have more money than sense. It's sad especially if she is otherwise an OK kid. Please listen to and watch out for your DD; teen girls often want to help and save friends who are in trouble--many teen girls feel they need to stand by the troubled friend, won't abandon her etc. That is compassionate and kind and laudable yet can end up in a very bad place for the kind and caring kid. I've seen it happen, OP. Teen girls trying to be the supportive friend who end up sucked into drama that drags them down.

Rather than flat-out ordering your DD to disinvite, talk to DD about the party and point out that the girl isn't a close friend. Talk to DD about how peer group counts more and more through high school and how the girl will get help from those qualified to help. And in the end ensure the girl doesn't come. I sound uncaring, I'm sure, but I'm not. The kid does need help. But other teens aren't responsible for that.

Unless this is a year-round school-- Fortunately summer is very close so the daily school routine stops. If DD wouldn't have seen much or anything of this girl over the summer, good. It created a natural break in how much the other kids will see and think of her. I hope DD has a full, busy summer planned.

These are the important parts of the message that you want to pass along. You really need to emphasize that social exclusion is desirable for groups and that every teen should think first about what their friends will think. Teenagers just don't put enough importance on their peer groups without parents telling them how important it is to run with the right crowd. You really want to emphasize that other people's perception of you is the key. So many teens fail to evaluate things in terms of what other people are going to think. A few are even so messed up that they try to think about how their actions affect others. Nobody has ever gone wrong following the herd. As long as your behavior is tolerated in the group, then you are good. Really hammer that home. And if your teen should try to stick with this friend, make sure that you intervene, preferably through some duplicitous means to split your DD from this friend. After all, how will your DD make the right friends and keep them if you don't engineer and control her relationships?

At first I was getting furious reading this response, then slowly it dawned on me... Good work, PP!

[Anonymous]

I would not disinvite, but I'd tell my child they are not permitted to hang out with her after that. I tell my kids to hang around kids that make them aspire to rise, not pull them down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t disinvite. She won’t bring weed to your house gmafb

Seriously. She is probably the least likely.

OP, disinviting is a pretty hostile thing to do. Give the kid a chance to reform

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's great about the ostracize approach, is that when your child wears something she doesn't realize is too risque, gets a bad grade because she was sick, send a text the others didn't like, makes a poor decision and uses alcohol, etc it will be SHE who finds herself friendless or pushed into the "bad crowd." What comes around goes around and hanging out with judgemental peers is a shallow soul to grow in.

Amen. Lots of smug parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do people really feel suspension is too harsh a consequence for posing and using drugs at school?

A day or two? Sure. Expelling is too far, IMO.
But I also think the school should assign her a 5-7 page research paper on the dangers of vaping and what it does to a still-developing brain to be done during her suspension.