DD’s friend suspended for drugs; Disinvite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread from a different perspective than many who are talking about tbe impact of ostracizing a girl who vaped weed.

I was in an abusive relationship and a relationship where alcoholism was an issue, which has made me sensitive to the need to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and the ways in which social pressures to be nice, non-judgmental and inclusive pressure us to continue to expose ourselves to unhealthy people or feel responsible for mitigating others bad choices.

The girl who vaped weed and charged for it did something illegal and promoted unhealthy behavior among her peers. There are consequences for that. Everyone gets to decide on their own how they feel about it personally, but for me, I get to decide what kind of home environment I want and people whom I know to do drugs are not welcome in that environment. The DD’s (and everyone’s) worry about what is the vape girl going to do at the party is so reminiscent of how families get wrapped up in what is the alcoholic going to do.

For me, I would use this to teach healthy boundaries. I’d say I know that the girl did something wrong and that she’s young, so i don’t view her as a bad person, but that I also don’t feel comfortable having someone in my home who is a known drug user. My boundary would be that DD could still have a relationship/contact with the girl in ways that were not in my home and not private and always supervised by adults. Her behavior has resulted in a loss of trust that is a necessity for access to independent activities and privacy and being welcomed into people’s homes. It takes time to earn that back through exhibiting changed behavior.

I’m OP. This really resonated with me as a result of some family background issues. Thank you for sharing.

No one is saying that your dd has to CONTINUE to hang out with someone who CONTINUES to vape or smoke weed or whatever. She does NOT. But I can't believe uninviting her is even on the table. Is this how your parents raised YOU, OP? To think that is even a thing to do???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

I would really like OP to come back and unpack the bolded. What is the type, exactly, if not a kid with a lot of money and disinterested parents?

That is actually EXACTLY the type of kid with the resources and motivation to be doing and dealing drugs.

But there's something else that makes the kid "not the type." What could it be? What could it possibly be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

I don’t understand all these moms who cause such drama. It’s the kids with these moms injecting drama needlessly that I would try to keep DD away from.

Agreed. I wouldn't want my kid over their homes. I trust my kids. If they smoked weed it's my fault, I did a piss poor job of raising them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

I don’t understand all these moms who cause such drama. It’s the kids with these moms injecting drama needlessly that I would try to keep DD away from.

Agreed. I wouldn't want my kid over their homes. I trust my kids. If they smoked weed it's my fault, I did a piss poor job of raising them.

agree so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

I would really like OP to come back and unpack the bolded. What is the type, exactly, if not a kid with a lot of money and disinterested parents?

That is actually EXACTLY the type of kid with the resources and motivation to be doing and dealing drugs.

But there's something else that makes the kid "not the type." What could it be? What could it possibly be?

I agree with PP's implication that OP is probably judging based on race/ethnicity/SES and not the FLASHING SIGNS she listed, I'm not sure OP understands that whites and blacks have substantially similar levels of drug use and selling.

[Anonymous]

Let's say you decide to rescind the invite. How do plan to go about this? Make your daughter tell her she can't come? Call the parents yourself and explain in light of the suspension she is not welcome? Personally, I can't wrap my head around how I would uninvite someone for an infraction like this that didn't affect my daughter personally. I would have a much easier time standing up to the drama queens quizzing you about your guest list.

I get it, this is added pressure and potential chaperoning responsibility that you were not planning on, but this will not be the first time your daughter comes across friends making bad choices. At least it probably isn't. She needs to learn to make her own choices, and you need to find a way to trust her to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

I would really like OP to come back and unpack the bolded. What is the type, exactly, if not a kid with a lot of money and disinterested parents?

That is actually EXACTLY the type of kid with the resources and motivation to be doing and dealing drugs.

But there's something else that makes the kid "not the type." What could it be? What could it possibly be?

I agree with PP's implication that OP is probably judging based on race/ethnicity/SES and not the FLASHING SIGNS she listed, I'm not sure OP understands that whites and blacks have substantially similar levels of drug use and selling.

Huh, I agree that the bolded was a weird statement, but I did not immediately jump to the assumption of race. I was thinking more along the lines of the girl has impeccable manners, friendly with adults, good student, something like that. In any event it was weird, and obviously there are kids with very involved parents who get into trouble along with those without a lot of supervision. Not very useful to make assumptions in any case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

We don't ground. That doesn't mean there are no consequences. Parents need to supervise their kids. This kid needs supervision and support and someone to teach.

We don't ground....lol. I know a lot of parents who gasp when I say we ground our kids. Guess what....it works. I give my kids freedom and trust, as soon as they break it, they are in for a lot of work to build my trust back. They don't get to go out on weekends, etc. One of my punishments that works brilliantly....teens love their privacy. When mine screws up, I remove his door from this hinges. Works like a charm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you disinvite over a little weed? I can’t even wrap my head around that logic.

+1

Are you a rachet mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you disinvite over a little weed? I can’t even wrap my head around that logic.

+1

My favorite are the parents that have this view about weed but low and behold I find out they let kids drink in their basement if they are staying over. SMH! I worry more about alcohol than I do weed, but luckily, my kids are overachievers and would never smoke. They think it's so gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

I would really like OP to come back and unpack the bolded. What is the type, exactly, if not a kid with a lot of money and disinterested parents?

That is actually EXACTLY the type of kid with the resources and motivation to be doing and dealing drugs.

But there's something else that makes the kid "not the type." What could it be? What could it possibly be?

I agree with PP's implication that OP is probably judging based on race/ethnicity/SES and not the FLASHING SIGNS she listed, I'm not sure OP understands that whites and blacks have substantially similar levels of drug use and selling.

I’m OP. I’m AA and we are lower middle class (grad degrees, but not high-paying jobs). The girl and her parents are very bookish, nerdy, scholarly types. The girl comes across much more mature than 13 because of her demeanor and vocabulary. I’m not going to put her family’s ethnicity out there, but it has nothing to do with drug use being a shock. I have had concerns that she has a lot of cash and is often out and about after dark. She explained that her family works late and they want her to eat out and use taxis to move around the area. Sometimes they are home when she does this. Sometimes not. They seem bemused when I drive her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

I would really like OP to come back and unpack the bolded. What is the type, exactly, if not a kid with a lot of money and disinterested parents?

That is actually EXACTLY the type of kid with the resources and motivation to be doing and dealing drugs.

But there's something else that makes the kid "not the type." What could it be? What could it possibly be?

I agree with PP's implication that OP is probably judging based on race/ethnicity/SES and not the FLASHING SIGNS she listed, I'm not sure OP understands that whites and blacks have substantially similar levels of drug use and selling.

Huh, I agree that the bolded was a weird statement, but I did not immediately jump to the assumption of race. I was thinking more along the lines of the girl has impeccable manners, friendly with adults, good student, something like that. In any event it was weird, and obviously there are kids with very involved parents who get into trouble along with those without a lot of supervision. Not very useful to make assumptions in any case.

This is the case. DH said that’s called the Eddie Haskell affect. Now I know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s friend had weed in vape. That is not disputed. She may have charged other kids money to take hits off the vape. She was suspended for the rest of the school year and could be expelled. We’re shocked because the teen and family didn’t seem like the type, but there’s a lot of money and little supervision. DD has a party planned this summer. Should we tell DD to disinvite the friend? This is not a best friend.

I would be more concerned with my children falling in with the wrong crowd (families who ostracize a child in crisis)- you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread from a different perspective than many who are talking about tbe impact of ostracizing a girl who vaped weed.

I was in an abusive relationship and a relationship where alcoholism was an issue, which has made me sensitive to the need to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and the ways in which social pressures to be nice, non-judgmental and inclusive pressure us to continue to expose ourselves to unhealthy people or feel responsible for mitigating others bad choices.

The girl who vaped weed and charged for it did something illegal and promoted unhealthy behavior among her peers. There are consequences for that. Everyone gets to decide on their own how they feel about it personally, but for me, I get to decide what kind of home environment I want and people whom I know to do drugs are not welcome in that environment. The DD’s (and everyone’s) worry about what is the vape girl going to do at the party is so reminiscent of how families get wrapped up in what is the alcoholic going to do.

For me, I would use this to teach healthy boundaries. I’d say I know that the girl did something wrong and that she’s young, so i don’t view her as a bad person, but that I also don’t feel comfortable having someone in my home who is a known drug user. My boundary would be that DD could still have a relationship/contact with the girl in ways that were not in my home and not private and always supervised by adults. Her behavior has resulted in a loss of trust that is a necessity for access to independent activities and privacy and being welcomed into people’s homes. It takes time to earn that back through exhibiting changed behavior.

I get that you are sensitive to unhealthy dynamics given your history. I am, too. I grew up in a horrifically violent, abusive, alcoholic family and not all my siblings survived it. If I knew about your history, I'd struggle to have you in my home. It would just bring back too many memories and I'd worry you would lapse back into learned behaviors and drag me into them. I find it triggering to be around people like you. So, I guess I do understand why you would want vape girl disinvited. I guess when you've got a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would disinvite. I don't want my kid hanging around anyone smoking weed at SCHOOL. If she got caught experimenting at home it might be different. And that she might have been charging other kids to try at school. No way would I let my kid invite that kid to a party at my house.

+ 1