Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

[Anonymous]

It took work to make a network of SAHM friends.

It took a lot longer to adjust to not working than I had thought it would - figuring out what you can get done in a day or a week, all of that.

I was surprised at how jealous I was of people with either family help or paid help. I had not been jealous of anyone when I was a working mom with childcare. I had moved to a new place and had no network to find sitters I trusted. I could not go on field trips with my older child, volunteer at school etc very easily. I was super jealous of people with parents nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took work to make a network of SAHM friends.

It took a lot longer to adjust to not working than I had thought it would - figuring out what you can get done in a day or a week, all of that.

I was surprised at how jealous I was of people with either family help or paid help. I had not been jealous of anyone when I was a working mom with childcare. I had moved to a new place and had no network to find sitters I trusted. I could not go on field trips with my older child, volunteer at school etc very easily. I was super jealous of people with parents nearby.

I forgot - the other thing that was unexpected was how great the needs for volunteering were at my kids' schools. It became huge and was like an unpaid part time job. MAny working moms got sucked in to it too, it wasn't just me. Now I am not volunteering except for the occasional field trip because I got myself completely burned out. I think this is pretty typical of moms who enjoyed working when they worked and then who became SAHMs. I did go back to work part time for awhile but logistically it was a very hard transition and my kids really suffered. Also financially it was pretty much costing us money for me to work part time. I really miss what I used to do but it is not feasible to go back to it while I still have a child in elementary school. I am working on changing careers now, and hoping to have it off the ground in the next 2 yrs.

I did not really take in to account the ageism in my industry and while I knew that I was stepping out and it would be hard to go back, I didn't take in to account that I would be going back at the time that people my age are getting phased out. So that sucks. We moved many years ago to an area where ageism is much worse than where I had built my career originally.

[Anonymous]

Question for all if you- did you intend when you got married/had kids that you would SAH? Or did it just kind of happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for all if you- did you intend when you got married/had kids that you would SAH? Or did it just kind of happen?

When we got married, I didn’t intend to become a SAHM but once I was pregnant with our first child i felt strongly that I wanted to stay home with him for awhile and luckily my husband fully supported this and it worked for us financially. I love being a SAHM, which I never thought I would want to do pre-kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP with a very difficult baby who is now a difficult baby-toddler. I SAH. There have been a number of days over the past 17 months DH has come home and I have said if this child was watched by anyone other than me, his mother, he would have been left in a corner to cry while the caretaker checked out completely because he was just SO difficult. ALL DAY LONG. I used to work, there were days I used to phone it in. I can see how an easy-ish baby might fare the same in any childcare situation, but my child would definitely have gotten some phoned-in care very regularly if he was with a nanny or daycare. On those days I would remind myself that I am his mother, I can't phone it in, and I would regroup and find the energy to try to deal with whatever firestorm was currently happening. I can't imagine someone just doing a job would be able to do the same.

Another NP. I totally agree. I have two kids and both of them are very different personalities. They would not have been the happiest in daycare situation just because they are not good about following the schedule of the daycare.

Please. So many parents think they have a uniquely difficult child. Babies cry. Babies want to be held. You should fire your nanny if they leave your child to cry in a corrner.

Spoken like someone with an easy kid! Count your blessings, lady.

You're assuming all mothers are better than all nannies / other care providers because of what.....love? I have a difficult child and my loving nanny who has been with 8 different children from birth to 5 has endlessly more patience, perspective, and skill in dealing with him. I love spending time with him but would certainly not do as good as a job as the nanny does if it was all day every day. Not all women are built for full time child care just like not all women are built for doing any particular job all day every day. And that's ok - we all are working to provide our kids with safe and loving environments and no parent is going to make or break their kids life by staying home or not unless they're an abusive parent and the kid is better off with less time with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found being a SAHM to young children to be one of the most vibrant and social times of my life. That surprised me because during the early months, I felt isolated. It took time to meet other moms and create those connections. Eventually I had a solid network of other moms of kids my children's ages. We had playdates rotating in each others' homes, volunteered at the preschool events together, met up at the playground for Friday night pizza etc. and took turn watching each other's kids if one of us had a dentist or OB appt etc.

My kids are older now and many of my SAHM friends went back to school when the youngest was in kindergarten. There's fewer of us to meet up with now, and sports and music and other after school commitments has taken us all in different directions.

+1 I loved this part of my years at home. I'm back at work now but look at those years when my children were little as a really precious of time in my life. I'm still friends with a lot of those moms but we can't spend those long lazy days together anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was surprised by the loneliness of being home with my kids. I would strike up conversations with gardeners and UPS drivers just to ease my loneliness.

Lots of videos out there that start that way...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for all if you- did you intend when you got married/had kids that you would SAH? Or did it just kind of happen?

DH and I intended for me to be a SAHP for the early years. We'd both had a SAHP and wanted that lifestyle. We started living on one salary and banking the other as soon as we got married. DH was willing to be the SAHP if I didn't want to but I did want to and my career was better suited to a break/freelancing than his was. It worked out very well for us. I'd thought I'd go back when #2 was 3 but we were really enjoying our life when she was 3 so ultimately waited until she was in kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for all if you- did you intend when you got married/had kids that you would SAH? Or did it just kind of happen?

DH and I intended for me to be a SAHP for the early years. We'd both had a SAHP and wanted that lifestyle. We started living on one salary and banking the other as soon as we got married. DH was willing to be the SAHP if I didn't want to but I did want to and my career was better suited to a break/freelancing than his was. It worked out very well for us. I'd thought I'd go back when #2 was 3 but we were really enjoying our life when she was 3 so ultimately waited until she was in kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yeah, I'm so refreshed after a long day at work. If working is so easy why don't you just go back?

Ha. Not that pp, but I used to envy the adult conversation that dh had at work, as well as, his ability to focus on something for longer than 3 minutes w/o a baby or toddler interrupting him. I even envied his "alone time" during his commute into work.

I can laugh at it now but, at the time, when simply going to the bathroom all by myself was not easy those were some very real feelings.

Yes!! I cried last week when my husband returned from a business trip (four hours of sweet silence each way on the Acela) and casually showed me video of some dumb Grateful Dead cover band playing in a bar he’d gone to after his meetings. I can’t remember the last time I was at a bar, or saw live music that wasn’t kid-themed, or had a beer without one eyeball following a toddler around the room. I bawled like a crazy person and he didn’t get it. At all.

Like this thread points out there are so many things about my daily SAHM routine that I need to value now. But there are also issues of dignity and basic human needs that are so tough. I don’t poop alone, ever. I rarely get a full shower/blow dry. I have to ask permission and move mountains to go to the doctor. I feel like a servant, a nanny. My marriage has suffered.

I am also so grateful to lay with my kids while they nap, and to see our city through them, and to have found part time work that I’m proud of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for all if you- did you intend when you got married/had kids that you would SAH? Or did it just kind of happen?

Never in a million years thought I would stay at home! I had been working with my boss about moving to part time temporarily but I absolutely intended to keep working. I still feel guilt because I didn't return to work after starting maternity leave. I did hire a sitter so I could train the person they hired to replace me, but I still feel awful about the timing of that because it wasn't my intention to leave my position. That's why I say to other pregnant moms, you just never know how you are going to feel until you have that baby in your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found being a SAHM to young children to be one of the most vibrant and social times of my life. That surprised me because during the early months, I felt isolated. It took time to meet other moms and create those connections. Eventually I had a solid network of other moms of kids my children's ages. We had playdates rotating in each others' homes, volunteered at the preschool events together, met up at the playground for Friday night pizza etc. and took turn watching each other's kids if one of us had a dentist or OB appt etc.

My kids are older now and many of my SAHM friends went back to school when the youngest was in kindergarten. There's fewer of us to meet up with now, and sports and music and other after school commitments has taken us all in different directions.

+1 I loved this part of my years at home. I'm back at work now but look at those years when my children were little as a really precious of time in my life. I'm still friends with a lot of those moms but we can't spend those long lazy days together anymore.

I miss this too. I’m still at home (kids in ES) but I’m much lonelier than I was back then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for all if you- did you intend when you got married/had kids that you would SAH? Or did it just kind of happen?

When we found out we were expecting we started to talk immediately about me staying at home. It wasn't until I had the baby and was home on maternity leave that I knew that I was going to quit my job to SAH. My husband was 100% on board with that decision and has been ever since. I would never have unilaterally decided to quit my job to SAH and if a time had come where dh and I thought it was important for me to go back to work, I would have gone back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yeah, I'm so refreshed after a long day at work. If working is so easy why don't you just go back?

Ha. Not that pp, but I used to envy the adult conversation that dh had at work, as well as, his ability to focus on something for longer than 3 minutes w/o a baby or toddler interrupting him. I even envied his "alone time" during his commute into work.

I can laugh at it now but, at the time, when simply going to the bathroom all by myself was not easy those were some very real feelings.

Yes!! I cried last week when my husband returned from a business trip (four hours of sweet silence each way on the Acela) and casually showed me video of some dumb Grateful Dead cover band playing in a bar he’d gone to after his meetings. I can’t remember the last time I was at a bar, or saw live music that wasn’t kid-themed, or had a beer without one eyeball following a toddler around the room. I bawled like a crazy person and he didn’t get it. At all.

Like this thread points out there are so many things about my daily SAHM routine that I need to value now. But there are also issues of dignity and basic human needs that are so tough. I don’t poop alone, ever. I rarely get a full shower/blow dry. I have to ask permission and move mountains to go to the doctor. I feel like a servant, a nanny. My marriage has suffered.

I am also so grateful to lay with my kids while they nap, and to see our city through them, and to have found part time work that I’m proud of.

This is pathetic. Stop being a mommy martyr. Hire yourself a babysitter. Have date nights. Go and see live music. Have your hair done. You don’t have to give up your life because you have some kids. Eventually they will be in school. Then what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for all if you- did you intend when you got married/had kids that you would SAH? Or did it just kind of happen?

Never in a million years thought I would stay at home! I had been working with my boss about moving to part time temporarily but I absolutely intended to keep working. I still feel guilt because I didn't return to work after starting maternity leave. I did hire a sitter so I could train the person they hired to replace me, but I still feel awful about the timing of that because it wasn't my intention to leave my position. That's why I say to other pregnant moms, you just never know how you are going to feel until you have that baby in your hands.

+1. I would have thought I would have wanted to stay home. Turns out I have no desire to do so!