Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

Have you looked for a flexible job?

My SAHM friends all assume they don’t exist. But they haven’t looked or interviewed. Maybe it’s an excuse to stay home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

I disagree. There are also articles about how more and more employers allow telework. I have friends across numerous industries and all of them have some sort of flexibility. My husband had a senior level high paying job and even for him it’s completely acceptable to leave the office at 5 to help with dinner/kids and then he logs back on at 8 to finish up any work.

Okay that is probably part of the disconnect. You think leaving at 5 and logging back on at 8 is flexible and not long hours. I would call that leaving at a normal (not “flexible”) time and working a lot of hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

Have you looked for a flexible job?

My SAHM friends all assume they don’t exist. But they haven’t looked or interviewed. Maybe it’s an excuse to stay home?

For the record, I’m the OP and my job is relatively flexible- I can easily go to kid doctor appointments, the occasional school event, etc. But my job is still over 40 hours a week + commute time, which doesn’t leave much time during the week to be with my young kids (who are asleep by 8 or earlier). How are you defining a flexible job? I’ve already cut back from 60+ hrs to get more flexibility, but at this point wonder how much more I can feasibility cut back at work and still do interesting, high-value work.

I think for some, flexible work= ability to telework or make up for lost office time by being back online 8-10, and for others, flexible work= something more akin to part-time. I already have the former, and haven’t seen any examples among friends/colleagues of staying at a firm but working more like a 30 hr week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

I disagree. There are also articles about how more and more employers allow telework. I have friends across numerous industries and all of them have some sort of flexibility. My husband had a senior level high paying job and even for him it’s completely acceptable to leave the office at 5 to help with dinner/kids and then he logs back on at 8 to finish up any work.

Okay that is probably part of the disconnect. You think leaving at 5 and logging back on at 8 is flexible and not long hours. I would call that leaving at a normal (not “flexible”) time and working a lot of hours.

There is no disconnect. I am the one with the flexible job. The point was that even my husband with a senior and higher paying job can leave the office at 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

Have you looked for a flexible job?

My SAHM friends all assume they don’t exist. But they haven’t looked or interviewed. Maybe it’s an excuse to stay home?

For the record, I’m the OP and my job is relatively flexible- I can easily go to kid doctor appointments, the occasional school event, etc. But my job is still over 40 hours a week + commute time, which doesn’t leave much time during the week to be with my young kids (who are asleep by 8 or earlier). How are you defining a flexible job? I’ve already cut back from 60+ hrs to get more flexibility, but at this point wonder how much more I can feasibility cut back at work and still do interesting, high-value work.

I think for some, flexible work= ability to telework or make up for lost office time by being back online 8-10, and for others, flexible work= something more akin to part-time. I already have the former, and haven’t seen any examples among friends/colleagues of staying at a firm but working more like a 30 hr week

Flexible job =

Sick/personal days to use for kids’ appointments
Plenty of vacation
At least one day a week to telework (more time with kids that day)
40 hours max in the office

[Anonymous]

OP, my job allows me to get in at 6:30 AM and leave at 2:30. I am home to pick up DS, 7, from school and take him to after school activities. He plays baseball and is in Cub Scouts. My job expects that I work 40 hours and only 40 hours and I have a 15 minute commute. My DH drops DS off at school and then goes to work. He is normally home around 7 PM. DH is DS coach for baseball and is able to work hours so that he is there for all the practices.

We don't have a ton of family dinners during the week but we eat as a family on the weekend. We make, combined, $250,000 a year. It is more then enough for us to live on and save for retirement and college. The house is neatish, it is clean but a bit cluttered. Neither DH or I are particularly great at organizing or very interested in interior design or the like.

My job is not the most stimulating job. I am a SME and produce briefs and products on a regular basis but there is not a ton that is developing in my area. I wouldn't mind something more stimulating but that would mean looking for something with similar hours/commute/pay and that is harder to find then people give credit for.

So there is a trade off. I could find a better paying job that is more challenging pretty easily but it is not worth losing out on the afternoons with DS. That is the choice that I make.

That said, DS doesn't really fully get that he has two working parents until the summer hits and he has to go to camp. He knows that I work, that is why I am not there in the morning, but he really doesn't see evidence of it in a meaningful way until summer break. He enjoys his camps and actually gets miffed if I pick him up from camp early. We head home, relax for a bit, go to the pool and then back home for dinner after camp. Lots of walks are the like.

Both our jobs are flexible enough that snow days and sick days are not a big deal. DH stays home in the AM and goes to work after I get home. It kind of sucks in terms of being off schedule but it doesn't hurt us and neither one of our jobs are worried about it. We switch up who takes DS to Doctors appointments and the like.

This works for us. It isn't perfect and it isn't always easy but it works for us. I did not want to stay home and am thrilled that we have jobs that allow us to maximize time with DS while still maintaining our standard of living. we would make it work if something changed but neither one of us are in a hurry to make that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

I disagree. There are also articles about how more and more employers allow telework. I have friends across numerous industries and all of them have some sort of flexibility. My husband had a senior level high paying job and even for him it’s completely acceptable to leave the office at 5 to help with dinner/kids and then he logs back on at 8 to finish up any work.

Okay that is probably part of the disconnect. You think leaving at 5 and logging back on at 8 is flexible and not long hours. I would call that leaving at a normal (not “flexible”) time and working a lot of hours.

There is no disconnect. I am the one with the flexible job. The point was that even my husband with a senior and higher paying job can leave the office at 5.

Yes, but I think that’s not what some people are thinking of when they say they want a flexible job. Read OP’s recent post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

Have you looked for a flexible job?

My SAHM friends all assume they don’t exist. But they haven’t looked or interviewed. Maybe it’s an excuse to stay home?

For the record, I’m the OP and my job is relatively flexible- I can easily go to kid doctor appointments, the occasional school event, etc. But my job is still over 40 hours a week + commute time, which doesn’t leave much time during the week to be with my young kids (who are asleep by 8 or earlier). How are you defining a flexible job? I’ve already cut back from 60+ hrs to get more flexibility, but at this point wonder how much more I can feasibility cut back at work and still do interesting, high-value work.

I think for some, flexible work= ability to telework or make up for lost office time by being back online 8-10, and for others, flexible work= something more akin to part-time. I already have the former, and haven’t seen any examples among friends/colleagues of staying at a firm but working more like a 30 hr week

Flexible job =

Sick/personal days to use for kids’ appointments
Plenty of vacation
At least one day a week to telework (more time with kids that day)
40 hours max in the office

NP. I think it’s really funny and a symptom of our times that what you described used to be considered a normal full-time job, and now is considered a flexible job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

Have you looked for a flexible job?

My SAHM friends all assume they don’t exist. But they haven’t looked or interviewed. Maybe it’s an excuse to stay home?

For the record, I’m the OP and my job is relatively flexible- I can easily go to kid doctor appointments, the occasional school event, etc. But my job is still over 40 hours a week + commute time, which doesn’t leave much time during the week to be with my young kids (who are asleep by 8 or earlier). How are you defining a flexible job? I’ve already cut back from 60+ hrs to get more flexibility, but at this point wonder how much more I can feasibility cut back at work and still do interesting, high-value work.

I think for some, flexible work= ability to telework or make up for lost office time by being back online 8-10, and for others, flexible work= something more akin to part-time. I already have the former, and haven’t seen any examples among friends/colleagues of staying at a firm but working more like a 30 hr week

Flexible job =

Sick/personal days to use for kids’ appointments
Plenty of vacation
At least one day a week to telework (more time with kids that day)
40 hours max in the office

NP. I think it’s really funny and a symptom of our times that what you described used to be considered a normal full-time job, and now is considered a flexible job.

The ability to telecommute used to be part of a normal full time job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

Have you looked for a flexible job?

My SAHM friends all assume they don’t exist. But they haven’t looked or interviewed. Maybe it’s an excuse to stay home?

For the record, I’m the OP and my job is relatively flexible- I can easily go to kid doctor appointments, the occasional school event, etc. But my job is still over 40 hours a week + commute time, which doesn’t leave much time during the week to be with my young kids (who are asleep by 8 or earlier). How are you defining a flexible job? I’ve already cut back from 60+ hrs to get more flexibility, but at this point wonder how much more I can feasibility cut back at work and still do interesting, high-value work.

I think for some, flexible work= ability to telework or make up for lost office time by being back online 8-10, and for others, flexible work= something more akin to part-time. I already have the former, and haven’t seen any examples among friends/colleagues of staying at a firm but working more like a 30 hr week

Flexible job =

Sick/personal days to use for kids’ appointments
Plenty of vacation
At least one day a week to telework (more time with kids that day)
40 hours max in the office

NP. I think it’s really funny and a symptom of our times that what you described used to be considered a normal full-time job, and now is considered a flexible job.

PP here. I’d change that telework reference to 2 days a week. Surely you realize that teleworking is a more recent practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys with the flexible high paying jobs: you have to know you are in a privileged minority. Read the news. There are countless articles about how employers expect more and more hours and on-time from their employees.

Have you looked for a flexible job?

My SAHM friends all assume they don’t exist. But they haven’t looked or interviewed. Maybe it’s an excuse to stay home?

NP. Had a flexible job. Still chose to quit and stay at home. Loving every minute.

As for your friends, maybe just ask them why they made the choice they did? I'm sure there are various reasons for their decision making just as you have various reasons you choose to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my job allows me to get in at 6:30 AM and leave at 2:30. I am home to pick up DS, 7, from school and take him to after school activities. He plays baseball and is in Cub Scouts. My job expects that I work 40 hours and only 40 hours and I have a 15 minute commute. My DH drops DS off at school and then goes to work. He is normally home around 7 PM. DH is DS coach for baseball and is able to work hours so that he is there for all the practices.

We don't have a ton of family dinners during the week but we eat as a family on the weekend. We make, combined, $250,000 a year. It is more then enough for us to live on and save for retirement and college. The house is neatish, it is clean but a bit cluttered. Neither DH or I are particularly great at organizing or very interested in interior design or the like.

My job is not the most stimulating job. I am a SME and produce briefs and products on a regular basis but there is not a ton that is developing in my area. I wouldn't mind something more stimulating but that would mean looking for something with similar hours/commute/pay and that is harder to find then people give credit for.

So there is a trade off. I could find a better paying job that is more challenging pretty easily but it is not worth losing out on the afternoons with DS. That is the choice that I make.

That said, DS doesn't really fully get that he has two working parents until the summer hits and he has to go to camp. He knows that I work, that is why I am not there in the morning, but he really doesn't see evidence of it in a meaningful way until summer break. He enjoys his camps and actually gets miffed if I pick him up from camp early. We head home, relax for a bit, go to the pool and then back home for dinner after camp. Lots of walks are the like.

Both our jobs are flexible enough that snow days and sick days are not a big deal. DH stays home in the AM and goes to work after I get home. It kind of sucks in terms of being off schedule but it doesn't hurt us and neither one of our jobs are worried about it. We switch up who takes DS to Doctors appointments and the like.

This works for us. It isn't perfect and it isn't always easy but it works for us. I did not want to stay home and am thrilled that we have jobs that allow us to maximize time with DS while still maintaining our standard of living. we would make it work if something changed but neither one of us are in a hurry to make that happen.

I am almost this PP's twin, except I work from home 9 days out of 10 (10/10 during the summer, snow storms, and metro shutdowns) so there's no commute and my DC can do half-day camps because they're old enough to keep themselves entertained for a few hours until I'm done. I've worked from the pool, backseat of the car at sports practice, lobby of ballet class, orthodontist waiting room, etc. It's hard to see how it could be any more flexible while still being gainfully employed (I make $130K) by someone else, so I'm pretty sure I'm near the top end of the flexibility curve. I think when they say "find a flexible job", most people think of something that has some of these attributes, e.g. telework, no set hours, etc. DH is a Fed and is home by 5pm every day but has minimal telework options so my job situation is what allows the family to function well. I was a SAHM for a few years during the toddler stage, but decided it made more sense for me to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

Sorry you wound really naive to the point of stupidity here.

Also do ya'll even crack 400k? I wouldn't consider you to be "high earners." Middle class at best in the DC area.

I'm not PP but our HHI is way higher than that and we have very flexible jobs, as do all our friends. No one works on weekends, everyone has dinner at home with their families, everyone participates in kids' school and sports events, etc.

LOL! And pray tell - what are these unicorn jobs?

Another poster here. I also have a flexible job as does my husband. We make close to 500k HHI. Pretty much every woman I know who works has a flexible job. You’re a fool if you’re staying home because you think the only option is a 50 hour a week, 10 hours of commuting type of job.

Why don’t you answer the question? What roles / companies are these jobs in, where you can make $250k+ for a 40-hour week, in an area affordable enough that you can live next to work? You claim they are everywhere, so surely naming a few roles & companies won’t out your anonymity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

Sorry you wound really naive to the point of stupidity here.

Also do ya'll even crack 400k? I wouldn't consider you to be "high earners." Middle class at best in the DC area.

I'm not PP but our HHI is way higher than that and we have very flexible jobs, as do all our friends. No one works on weekends, everyone has dinner at home with their families, everyone participates in kids' school and sports events, etc.

LOL! And pray tell - what are these unicorn jobs?

Another poster here. I also have a flexible job as does my husband. We make close to 500k HHI. Pretty much every woman I know who works has a flexible job. You’re a fool if you’re staying home because you think the only option is a 50 hour a week, 10 hours of commuting type of job.

Why don’t you answer the question? What roles / companies are these jobs in, where you can make $250k+ for a 40-hour week, in an area affordable enough that you can live next to work? You claim they are everywhere, so surely naming a few roles & companies won’t out your anonymity.

I’m not the PP who said she makes 400k with telework friendly although my HHI is also similar.

Pretty much any large company allows telework, especially to attract talent. Most do. As do most agencies. Talk to recruiters. That’s the first step.

[Anonymous]

So dumb that this thread got derailed by a bunch of people claiming they have flexible jobs when really they have standard 9-5’s and sometimes that 9-5 is in their home office. Do you really think SAHM’s aren’t working bc they can’t find a job that gets out at 5 with no work on weekends? No! That is just not what a typical SAHM means by “flexible.” So you guys can stop posting about this now on every mommy wars thread.