Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Little children need stability, competence and love.
It’s worth the sacrifice to give your own children what they *need*.

Little children can also get stability, competence, and love from a quality daycare provider or nanny. That can't be the only reason a parent decides to SAH.

-- signed, a SAHM

+1 Also a SAHM who was later a WOHM. I stayed home with my kids for ME. I loved being home with them but I know they'd have done fine with a good childcare arrangement too but I would not. I think the main benefit for them (other than a relaxed, happy mom because I was doing what I wanted to do) was that they got more sleep since our nights weren't so rushed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Little children need stability, competence and love.
It’s worth the sacrifice to give your own children what they *need*.

Little children can also get stability, competence, and love from a quality daycare provider or nanny. That can't be the only reason a parent decides to SAH.

-- signed, a SAHM

Perhaps they “can”, but we all know the reality....
Let’s be honest here.

Providing your children what they need - is a major reason why many families make the sacrifice to live on one income.

They can get quality care but love from a nanny or provider is different than a parent regardless of if you stay home or work (given SAH parents can have help too). Primary source of love and stability needs to be the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yeah, I'm so refreshed after a long day at work. If working is so easy why don't you just go back?

[Anonymous]

I got paranoid about things like home security, burglaries, and natural disasters as a SAHM, and I began fixating on dumb stuff—which is totally unlike my normal personality. I loved certain things about being home with my kids, but it affected my mental health negatively and made me more anxious, more frantic, and a little depressed. I didn’t realize at the time how anxious I had gotten.

[Anonymous]

People definitely need to build in adult friendships for support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yeah, I'm so refreshed after a long day at work. If working is so easy why don't you just go back?

Ha. Not that pp, but I used to envy the adult conversation that dh had at work, as well as, his ability to focus on something for longer than 3 minutes w/o a baby or toddler interrupting him. I even envied his "alone time" during his commute into work.

I can laugh at it now but, at the time, when simply going to the bathroom all by myself was not easy those were some very real feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Little children need stability, competence and love.
It’s worth the sacrifice to give your own children what they *need*.

Little children can also get stability, competence, and love from a quality daycare provider or nanny. That can't be the only reason a parent decides to SAH.

-- signed, a SAHM

Perhaps they “can”, but we all know the reality....
Let’s be honest here.

Providing your children what they need - is a major reason why many families make the sacrifice to live on one income.

I would have said this before having kids. I grew up with a SAHM who was very against women working when they have kids. She made it very clear that women who work are choosing money over giving their kids love and that staying home is always better.

Now that I’ve had children and have experienced watching nannies with kids, sending a kid to daycare, raising my own kids, etc, I’m not convinced that one way is better than the other. There are bad nannies and there are bad moms. There are pros and cons to each arrangement. If you stay home it should be for you. Unfortunately, you may be in for a disappointment later if you really think staying home was some tremendous benefit to your child. I mean go and watch kids at a decent daycare (if you were allowed to do so). You’d be shocked how happy they look. They don’t look any happier or unhappeir than kids at the playground with SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unexpected - how much I really enjoyed it and realized how much I hated my last job and the negative impact it had on me.

+ 1

Unexpected - the joy of letting kids sleep in and not worry about getting them ready for daycare. The improvement in the quality of life for everyone because of lazy mornings was tremendous. I also got a chance to connect more with DH in the mornings because there was zero stress. My kids became even more calm and happy people. They were always low-stress kids, but with me being at home with them and they not going to daycare their happiness and calmness just increased tenfold.

Unexpected - One reason to stay home was to be available to take care of the kids when they fell sick. What was unexpected was that they HARDLY fell sick anymore!! Even when they started going to school. I think the stress of being away from the parent in a daycare situation makes them susceptible of falling sick more frequently and easily. The same stressor is not there when they go to school.

Unexpected - You do not have time when you are at home. Yes, you have tremendous flexibility to do chores but you do not have more time. I actually hired more help when I became a SAHM. Cleaners twice a week and yardwork was completely outsourced. Being with little kids is very tiring, especially if schedule is flexible. There is a reason that daycares make kids nap every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Little children need stability, competence and love.
It’s worth the sacrifice to give your own children what they *need*.

Little children can also get stability, competence, and love from a quality daycare provider or nanny. That can't be the only reason a parent decides to SAH.

-- signed, a SAHM

Perhaps they “can”, but we all know the reality....
Let’s be honest here.

Providing your children what they need - is a major reason why many families make the sacrifice to live on one income.

I would have said this before having kids. I grew up with a SAHM who was very against women working when they have kids. She made it very clear that women who work are choosing money over giving their kids love and that staying home is always better.

Now that I’ve had children and have experienced watching nannies with kids, sending a kid to daycare, raising my own kids, etc, I’m not convinced that one way is better than the other. There are bad nannies and there are bad moms. There are pros and cons to each arrangement. If you stay home it should be for you. Unfortunately, you may be in for a disappointment later if you really think staying home was some tremendous benefit to your child. I mean go and watch kids at a decent daycare (if you were allowed to do so). You’d be shocked how happy they look. They don’t look any happier or unhappeir than kids at the playground with SAHMs.

NP with a very difficult baby who is now a difficult baby-toddler. I SAH. There have been a number of days over the past 17 months DH has come home and I have said if this child was watched by anyone other than me, his mother, he would have been left in a corner to cry while the caretaker checked out completely because he was just SO difficult. ALL DAY LONG. I used to work, there were days I used to phone it in. I can see how an easy-ish baby might fare the same in any childcare situation, but my child would definitely have gotten some phoned-in care very regularly if he was with a nanny or daycare. On those days I would remind myself that I am his mother, I can't phone it in, and I would regroup and find the energy to try to deal with whatever firestorm was currently happening. I can't imagine someone just doing a job would be able to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest surprise is that I really don't feel any of the terrible things described on DCUM (or other places for that matter).

I'm not bored. I'm not lonely. I do not desperately miss adult-only interaction (although, I stay active with other parents). I get plenty of intellectual stimulation from listening to podcasts while doing chores or driving, and I'm more up-to-date on politics than my DH (who really SHOULD know more, for his job). I have plenty of hobbies. I alternate doing things the kids want (ie, sitting and playing), with outings (story time or playground or playdate) and my own interests (cooking, photography, fitness).

Literally the only reason I wish I were still working was so that I had more of an identity at adult-only parties, especially when talking to people who don't have kids. But, that alone would be a silly reason to stick my kids with a nanny and head back to work!

THIS!!
I am astounded by the assumptions people make about my " intellect" because I am a SAHM. I have two masters and tons of certifications in my field and I keep taking online courses and courses in the community college because I love learning. People then wonder why do I need to take more classes if I am not going back to work!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

NP with a very difficult baby who is now a difficult baby-toddler. I SAH. There have been a number of days over the past 17 months DH has come home and I have said if this child was watched by anyone other than me, his mother, he would have been left in a corner to cry while the caretaker checked out completely because he was just SO difficult. ALL DAY LONG. I used to work, there were days I used to phone it in. I can see how an easy-ish baby might fare the same in any childcare situation, but my child would definitely have gotten some phoned-in care very regularly if he was with a nanny or daycare. On those days I would remind myself that I am his mother, I can't phone it in, and I would regroup and find the energy to try to deal with whatever firestorm was currently happening. I can't imagine someone just doing a job would be able to do the same.

Another NP. I totally agree. I have two kids and both of them are very different personalities. They would not have been the happiest in daycare situation just because they are not good about following the schedule of the daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It really, really helps to be an introvert. I absolutely love being home. I love routine, love hanging out with babies, can happily go days without interacting with anyone but DH. I love setting my own schedule, being able to do things on our own time. But I think if you're the type that needs a lot of social interaction or activity in your day you're going to be miserable, at least until the kids are in school full time.
To answerthe question though, I don't like that there are no coffee or lunch breaks. You can't just check out for five minutes and scroll through Instagram if you need a mental break when there's a baby screaming in your face.

Totally opposite experience for me. I am a complete introvert and found being a SAHM incredibly lonely and isolating, mainly because it is so hard for me to make friends. People I know who are extroverted are so much happier as SAHMs. Of course this is my own experience, before anyone starts arguing.

[Anonymous]

It always surprises me that people feel lonely as a SAHM. I have gone back and forth, and I always feel so much lonelier as a working mother. I am an introvert, and I love conversations with close friends at play dates and playgroup. The conversations at work are fine, but they are either a little awkward or totally focused on work.
What surprised me the most was how my relationship with my children and husband is totally different. I get so tired when I am working and taking care of kids, and sometimes it just felt like I had to fake it through my days. I really enjoy my family more when I SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Little children need stability, competence and love.
It’s worth the sacrifice to give your own children what they *need*.

Little children can also get stability, competence, and love from a quality daycare provider or nanny. That can't be the only reason a parent decides to SAH.

-- signed, a SAHM

Perhaps they “can”, but we all know the reality....
Let’s be honest here.

Providing your children what they need - is a major reason why many families make the sacrifice to live on one income.

I would have said this before having kids. I grew up with a SAHM who was very against women working when they have kids. She made it very clear that women who work are choosing money over giving their kids love and that staying home is always better.

Now that I’ve had children and have experienced watching nannies with kids, sending a kid to daycare, raising my own kids, etc, I’m not convinced that one way is better than the other. There are bad nannies and there are bad moms. There are pros and cons to each arrangement. If you stay home it should be for you. Unfortunately, you may be in for a disappointment later if you really think staying home was some tremendous benefit to your child. I mean go and watch kids at a decent daycare (if you were allowed to do so). You’d be shocked how happy they look. They don’t look any happier or unhappeir than kids at the playground with SAHMs.

NP with a very difficult baby who is now a difficult baby-toddler. I SAH. There have been a number of days over the past 17 months DH has come home and I have said if this child was watched by anyone other than me, his mother, he would have been left in a corner to cry while the caretaker checked out completely because he was just SO difficult. ALL DAY LONG. I used to work, there were days I used to phone it in. I can see how an easy-ish baby might fare the same in any childcare situation, but my child would definitely have gotten some phoned-in care very regularly if he was with a nanny or daycare. On those days I would remind myself that I am his mother, I can't phone it in, and I would regroup and find the energy to try to deal with whatever firestorm was currently happening. I can't imagine someone just doing a job would be able to do the same.

On the flip side of this, some parents who love their kids to the moon and back (aka me) would also be phoning it in with those kids and plopping them in front of a video or checking out. At least at childcare, there are multiple caregivers who can back each other up and give each other a break. I have worked part time and full time at various times through my kids' lives and know that I am not cut out for staying home full time. I've been lucky enough to find part-time work that pays enough that I can spend more time with my kids than I did when I was full time, but I'm pretty darn sure that I would not have happier kids if they were home with me all day and I am 100% sure that I wouldn't be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Little children need stability, competence and love.
It’s worth the sacrifice to give your own children what they *need*.

Little children can also get stability, competence, and love from a quality daycare provider or nanny. That can't be the only reason a parent decides to SAH.

-- signed, a SAHM

Perhaps they “can”, but we all know the reality....
Let’s be honest here.

Providing your children what they need - is a major reason why many families make the sacrifice to live on one income.

I would have said this before having kids. I grew up with a SAHM who was very against women working when they have kids. She made it very clear that women who work are choosing money over giving their kids love and that staying home is always better.

Now that I’ve had children and have experienced watching nannies with kids, sending a kid to daycare, raising my own kids, etc, I’m not convinced that one way is better than the other. There are bad nannies and there are bad moms. There are pros and cons to each arrangement. If you stay home it should be for you. Unfortunately, you may be in for a disappointment later if you really think staying home was some tremendous benefit to your child. I mean go and watch kids at a decent daycare (if you were allowed to do so). You’d be shocked how happy they look. They don’t look any happier or unhappeir than kids at the playground with SAHMs.

All studies also support this.

Ladies, stay home for yourselves if you must, but stop pretending it's benefiting your kids.