Tips for dating divorced dads? How to interact with their kids or their mom if you meet them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don't really care about control over scheduling, or who spends what holiday with who. I do care about control over my living space and that is one thing that scares me. I'm really not sure what to do, dating wise. I've always wanted to get married and now I am thinking, maybe that should not be my goal anymore, given how complicated the lives and finances so many men are.

IMHO the only real reason to marry is to have kids. I would rethink the marriage thing and also stop dating anyone with kids at home based on your responses. Your space, your life will include a relationship with these kids. While you say you don’t care about schedules...those schedules will impact your life. Your spouse/partner is will not be able to go on vacation with you or attend a wedding. He has his kids. Shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning all impacted by the sheer number of people. If your an introvert....it will impact you greatly.

Yes. OP, also think about what would happen if his ex becomes incapacitated or dies. God forbid, the result would be you having near-100% custody. That's what you're signing up for in a serious relationship with a man who has children.

Meh. If you can handle 50% custody, you can handle 100%. The kids are already living in the house.

Go in with the expectation that the childcare schedule will not change around your needs. It isn't the ex-wife's problem if you want to go on a vacation or whatever other reason you might want her to vary the schedule.

This at least is true enough. On the plus side (sort of) the childcare schedule is part of a signed legal agreement. Everything about it is known well in advance. You can plan your vacations accordingly.

Also, from time to time the ex will want to vary the schedule. If you are cooperative about that, then hopefully she will be cooperative on the occasions you want to vary the schedule. A lot depends on how well the DH and his XW are getting along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don't really care about control over scheduling, or who spends what holiday with who. I do care about control over my living space and that is one thing that scares me. I'm really not sure what to do, dating wise. I've always wanted to get married and now I am thinking, maybe that should not be my goal anymore, given how complicated the lives and finances so many men are.

IMHO the only real reason to marry is to have kids. I would rethink the marriage thing and also stop dating anyone with kids at home based on your responses. Your space, your life will include a relationship with these kids. While you say you don’t care about schedules...those schedules will impact your life. Your spouse/partner is will not be able to go on vacation with you or attend a wedding. He has his kids. Shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning all impacted by the sheer number of people. If your an introvert....it will impact you greatly.

I don't get that impression from her responses. She seems more concerned about the living arrangement than the schedule. If she continues dating the guy and finds the scheduling problems intolerable, then no she should not get married to him.

"Your spouse/partner is will not be able to go on vacation with you or attend a wedding. He has his kids."

Yes, he will be able to go on a vacation with you and attend a wedding. His schedule is a known quantity. Plan your vacations for when his ex has custody. If the wedding you want to attend is known far enough in advance, and it falls on a day when he has custody, then he can either trade a day with his ex or get a sitter. You're making it sound a lot harder than it is.

[Anonymous]

Going from 50% time to 100% time is a lot if the parent wasn't really holding 50% of the responsibility despite having 50% time. Also if anything really bad happens to the mom you will likely be bearing 100% of the financial responsibility and the kids will be in great distress about their mom.

An unlikely scenario but I have seen it happen. When you date a man with children you are accepting this unlikely but serious possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going from 50% time to 100% time is a lot if the parent wasn't really holding 50% of the responsibility despite having 50% time. Also if anything really bad happens to the mom you will likely be bearing 100% of the financial responsibility and the kids will be in great distress about their mom.

An unlikely scenario but I have seen it happen. When you date a man with children you are accepting this unlikely but serious possibility.

I’m seconding that 50% time doesn’t equal 50% responsibility. Especially if much of that 50% is weekends, holidays, and summers. The state of MD didn’t care that my ex had fewer than 90 school days, just how many overnights. HW, permission slips, packed lunches, uniforms, projects, and other school related responsibilities mostly fell to me and my DH (DD’s stepdad). By third grade, it was easy to see a pattern of tardies s and missed hw when XH had her. In 7th grade, she’s more self-reliant, but still tardies coming from dad’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Going from 50% time to 100% time is a lot if the parent wasn't really holding 50% of the responsibility despite having 50% time. Also if anything really bad happens to the mom you will likely be bearing 100% of the financial responsibility and the kids will be in great distress about their mom.

The man probably has a higher income, and therefore probably already has more of the financial responsibility.

In my case, based on income, I have 75% of the child support responsibility. Going to 100% would be perfectly do-able. If something happened to XW, I'm covered, because I am the beneficiary of XWs life insurance policy. Similarly, she is the beneficiary of mine - if I die, she gets 100% custody and a lot of money.

As for "holding 50% of the responsibility", our mutual responsibilities are spelled out in the separation agreement. We both do what it says, so we both do 50%.

Again - it's all a matter of planning. Don't marry a step-dad who is bad at that.

[Anonymous]

(Correction) Don't marry a dad who is bad at that.

[Anonymous]

I’m seconding that 50% time doesn’t equal 50% responsibility. Especially if much of that 50% is weekends, holidays, and summers. The state of MD didn’t care that my ex had fewer than 90 school days, just how many overnights. HW, permission slips, packed lunches, uniforms, projects, and other school related responsibilities mostly fell to me and my DH (DD’s stepdad). By third grade, it was easy to see a pattern of tardies s and missed hw when XH had her. In 7th grade, she’s more self-reliant, but still tardies coming from dad’s.

I'm sorry your XH sucks but not all step-dads are like that. I'm not.

Our weekends, holidays, and summers are evenly split, as are school days.

HW, permission slips, packed lunches, uniforms, projects, and other school related responsibilities -- I did that before the divorce, I do it now. I want my kids to succeed at school, and they know they can come to me for help.

All the tardies my kids have gotten have been from XW.

So yeah, OP, if you want to be a step-mom, make sure you don't marry someone irresponsible and incompetent. But that would be good advice even if he didn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Goddamnit I keep putting step- in front of the wrong parent! It's all so confusing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?" [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling" [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [Again: these are my kids, they are my problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.]

And, this is the guy to avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?" [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling" [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [Again: these are my kids, they are my problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.]

I suspect that you either aren't very experienced with your kids yet (are they very young?) or you are living in a fantasy world. I wonder what you mean by "I am a single dad". Are you actually the parent with the majority of custody?

You will be very fortunate indeed if your kids are ones who launch on time at 18 (to college) and 22 (forever) without ever experiencing a major life trauma or set back that sucks you in. And while sure, your partner "doesn't have to worry about" getting on the phone or email and scheduling the Xmas or Thxgiving visit, she DOES have to worry about having the extra people in her home or visiting them in theirs or being apart from you for x amount of time or yadda yadda yadda. It's a very rare marriage where you can isolate the impacts your children's presence in your life from affecting your spouse. Are you going to make absolutely sure you handle all the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, the gift shopping, etc. etc. if your kids come visit you? Going to help navigate your nippy dog and your toddler grandkid? Going to go visit your newborn grandchild if your partner doesn't feel like travelling? Or reciprocate by travelling when they've done the last four visits? And on and on. I remember my left his second wife at home with a new born and two other kids with chicken pox to attend my college graduation and drive me back to our home state. She STILL talks about how traumatizing that was and it was 25 years ago!

Kids are a lifetime commitment. If you're lucky you get them launched and you don't have to take care of them forever. But sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan or hope. A new marriage partner has got to be realistic that even if you have the best of intentions, the existence of your children and their families WILL affect her. In ways that can be unforeseen, unpredictable, and sometimes not pleasant. Unless you guys are selfish @holes of course, then you can just blow off your kids and their problems at a certain age and not worry about them anymore. Hope your new wife is on board with changing your diapers someday since the kids won't be around anymore in that scenario.

You get out what you put in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I suspect that you either aren't very experienced with your kids yet (are they very young?) or you are living in a fantasy world. I wonder what you mean by "I am a single dad". Are you actually the parent with the majority of custody? [It is 50/50. Kids are in middle school.]

You will be very fortunate indeed if your kids are ones who launch on time at 18 (to college) and 22 (forever) without ever experiencing a major life trauma or set back that sucks you in. [Not fortune. It's called "planning".]

And while sure, your partner "doesn't have to worry about" getting on the phone or email and scheduling the Xmas or Thxgiving visit, she DOES have to worry about having the extra people in her home or visiting them in theirs or being apart from you for x amount of time or yadda yadda yadda. [There's nothing to "worry about". There's nothing for her to do. In particular, if we're talking about college kids returning for holidays, they don't need to be waited on.]

It's a very rare marriage where you can isolate the impacts your children's presence in your life from affecting your spouse. Are you going to make absolutely sure you handle all the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, the gift shopping, etc. etc. if your kids come visit you? [Yes. Proof: I do that now, for younger kids.]

Going to help navigate your nippy dog and your toddler grandkid? Going to go visit your newborn grandchild if your partner doesn't feel like travelling? [Are you seriously asking me, a grown man, if I am capable of traveling by myself? WTF. I pity you if your DH needs that kind of hand-holding. Do you really book his tickets and hotel and pack his suitcase for him?]

Or reciprocate by travelling when they've done the last four visits? [Again, you're asking me if I am capable of traveling? Why?] And on and on. I remember my left his second wife at home with a new born and two other kids with chicken pox to attend my college graduation and drive me back to our home state. She STILL talks about how traumatizing that was and it was 25 years ago! [A bad situation, to be sure. It is obvious that he should have arranged some help for his wife before he left.]

Kids are a lifetime commitment. If you're lucky you get them launched and you don't have to take care of them forever. But sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan or hope. A new marriage partner has got to be realistic that even if you have the best of intentions, the existence of your children and their families WILL affect her. In ways that can be unforeseen, unpredictable, and sometimes not pleasant. Unless you guys are selfish @holes of course, then you can just blow off your kids and their problems at a certain age and not worry about them anymore. [The fact is this: I am their parent. When they are in my house, I am 100% responsible for them. I take care of them very well right now. I don't need a new wife to act as surrogate mom for them. Any "effects" that children have will primarily be on me, not on the woman in my life. I do not intend to marry or cohabit before the kids are off to college. That is what is, in my view, best for the kids. If I marry or cohabit after that, and for some reason the kids are back, even if just for the holidays, they will be my problem, not hers, just as they are now.]

Hope your new wife is on board with changing your diapers someday since the kids won't be around anymore in that scenario. [Oy vey, there's this incessant line of bullshit on DCUM about women taking care of men in their dotage. I don't believe that actually happens, and believe me, finding some woman to change my diapers is emphatically not my own elder care plan. I am certainly going to outsource that function.]

You get out what you put in.

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like (because you have basically said this) that you want a relationship with him but not his children. That really isn't reasonable. His children will be hurt if the person he ends up potentially marrying finds them so unsavory that she keeps her own apartment. As many PPs, blending families is difficult, but the difficulties don't vanish after graduation, they just change. It is fine to accept and plan to never be a 'mom' to a kid that you're meeting as a teenager. But you should have a baseline expectation that you would be a confident, a trusted adult in their life. Because if you don't put some effort into having relationships with the kids, then that will likely eventually pull dad away from his kids and be unfair to them.

If I were a divorced parent and dating someone who said what you said here I'd honestly drop you in a heartbeat. Or at least drop you as a long term prospect. Joining a family IS joining a family, no matter how old/young everyone is. And the idea of having a separate house to avoid them when he has custody I mean...you're setting yourself up as the villain in a disney movie. I mean I kind of understand it, but that will hurt his children, and any guy that marries a woman and lets her go back to her apartment when his kids come over is a bad dad, and therefore likely a bad partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?" [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling" [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [Again: these are my kids, they are my problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.]

I suspect that you either aren't very experienced with your kids yet (are they very young?) or you are living in a fantasy world. I wonder what you mean by "I am a single dad". Are you actually the parent with the majority of custody?

You will be very fortunate indeed if your kids are ones who launch on time at 18 (to college) and 22 (forever) without ever experiencing a major life trauma or set back that sucks you in. And while sure, your partner "doesn't have to worry about" getting on the phone or email and scheduling the Xmas or Thxgiving visit, she DOES have to worry about having the extra people in her home or visiting them in theirs or being apart from you for x amount of time or yadda yadda yadda. It's a very rare marriage where you can isolate the impacts your children's presence in your life from affecting your spouse. Are you going to make absolutely sure you handle all the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, the gift shopping, etc. etc. if your kids come visit you? Going to help navigate your nippy dog and your toddler grandkid? Going to go visit your newborn grandchild if your partner doesn't feel like travelling? Or reciprocate by travelling when they've done the last four visits? And on and on. I remember my left his second wife at home with a new born and two other kids with chicken pox to attend my college graduation and drive me back to our home state. She STILL talks about how traumatizing that was and it was 25 years ago!

Kids are a lifetime commitment. If you're lucky you get them launched and you don't have to take care of them forever. But sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan or hope. A new marriage partner has got to be realistic that even if you have the best of intentions, the existence of your children and their families WILL affect her. In ways that can be unforeseen, unpredictable, and sometimes not pleasant. Unless you guys are selfish @holes of course, then you can just blow off your kids and their problems at a certain age and not worry about them anymore. Hope your new wife is on board with changing your diapers someday since the kids won't be around anymore in that scenario.

You get out what you put in.

question is not whether you are capable of travel. Married couples often want to travel together for holidays for example. New partner has got to be cool with going with you or staying home without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don't really care about control over scheduling, or who spends what holiday with who. I do care about control over my living space and that is one thing that scares me. I'm really not sure what to do, dating wise. I've always wanted to get married and now I am thinking, maybe that should not be my goal anymore, given how complicated the lives and finances so many men are.

IMHO the only real reason to marry is to have kids. I would rethink the marriage thing and also stop dating anyone with kids at home based on your responses. Your space, your life will include a relationship with these kids. While you say you don’t care about schedules...those schedules will impact your life. Your spouse/partner is will not be able to go on vacation with you or attend a wedding. He has his kids. Shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning all impacted by the sheer number of people. If your an introvert....it will impact you greatly.

I don't get that impression from her responses. She seems more concerned about the living arrangement than the schedule. If she continues dating the guy and finds the scheduling problems intolerable, then no she should not get married to him.

"Your spouse/partner is will not be able to go on vacation with you or attend a wedding. He has his kids."

Yes, he will be able to go on a vacation with you and attend a wedding. His schedule is a known quantity. Plan your vacations for when his ex has custody. If the wedding you want to attend is known far enough in advance, and it falls on a day when he has custody, then he can either trade a day with his ex or get a sitter. You're making it sound a lot harder than it is.

Yes this is what people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it sounds like (because you have basically said this) that you want a relationship with him but not his children. That really isn't reasonable. His children will be hurt if the person he ends up potentially marrying finds them so unsavory that she keeps her own apartment. As many PPs, blending families is difficult, but the difficulties don't vanish after graduation, they just change. It is fine to accept and plan to never be a 'mom' to a kid that you're meeting as a teenager. But you should have a baseline expectation that you would be a confident, a trusted adult in their life. Because if you don't put some effort into having relationships with the kids, then that will likely eventually pull dad away from his kids and be unfair to them.

If I were a divorced parent and dating someone who said what you said here I'd honestly drop you in a heartbeat. Or at least drop you as a long term prospect. Joining a family IS joining a family, no matter how old/young everyone is. And the idea of having a separate house to avoid them when he has custody I mean...you're setting yourself up as the villain in a disney movie. I mean I kind of understand it, but that will hurt his children, and any guy that marries a woman and lets her go back to her apartment when his kids come over is a bad dad, and therefore likely a bad partner.

I disagree with this. The kids may appreciate the time they have with their dad without someone else around. My kids see my XH very little these days because his new family is always there and they never get any one on one time with him. Someone can have a relationship with the kids without assimilating their lives. I think it’s fine for the OP to keep her place.