Tips for dating divorced dads? How to interact with their kids or their mom if you meet them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

I’m a mom of older high school teenagers but the guy I’m dating has one in middle school and one in elementary. We see each other when we can. I think it’s easier for me than it would be for you, as I also have limitations on my time due to custody schedules. I’ve met his kids many times but it’s just to hang out for a few hours, game night or grab a meal. No overnights and no PDA in front of them. To them I’m just his buddy. Maybe you could start there with your guy.

As for dating guys with older teenagers, be prepared to date some older guys. I’m 45 and I find most guys with older teenagers in my area are closer to 50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I don't really care about control over scheduling, or who spends what holiday with who. I do care about control over my living space and that is one thing that scares me. I'm really not sure what to do, dating wise. I've always wanted to get married and now I am thinking, maybe that should not be my goal anymore, given how complicated the lives and finances so many men are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?" [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling" [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [Again: these are my kids, they are my problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

+1

OP, dating a divorced parent is not all about playing house on your schedule - the family was there before you. Maybe dating someone with kids isn't what you should be going for, at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?" [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling" [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [Again: these are my kids, they are my problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.]

Ok, you're deluded, and I feel sorry for your kids and your future wife.


1) The OP is comparing between dating a man with children and dating a man without children and being childless forever. That's the comparison. Living with teenagers who are gone all day but come back to sleep is really, really different from living with no children at all.

2) Teenagers mature enough not to cause problems when a new wife moves in? LOL!

3) It's not really the legwork of doing the scheduling, it's the necessity of compromise. If you do all the scheduling with your ex and the new wife doesn't think about it at all, then she has no input into when the children and grandchildren are in her home. That may not be desirable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don't really care about control over scheduling, or who spends what holiday with who. I do care about control over my living space and that is one thing that scares me. I'm really not sure what to do, dating wise. I've always wanted to get married and now I am thinking, maybe that should not be my goal anymore, given how complicated the lives and finances so many men are.

Control over scheduling IS control over your living space!

I think you should expect not to marry. Your income might count against the kids for financial aid in college. It's a classic wicked stepmother move to ruin the kids' financial aid and then refuse to pay for anything to make up the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?" [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling" [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [Again: these are my kids, they are my problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.]

Ok, you're deluded, and I feel sorry for your kids and your future wife.

1) The OP is comparing between dating a man with children and dating a man without children and being childless forever. That's the comparison. Living with teenagers who are gone all day but come back to sleep is really, really different from living with no children at all.

2) Teenagers mature enough not to cause problems when a new wife moves in? LOL!

3) It's not really the legwork of doing the scheduling, it's the necessity of compromise. If you do all the scheduling with your ex and the new wife doesn't think about it at all, then she has no input into when the children and grandchildren are in her home. That may not be desirable.

You're not reading carefully.

"The OP is comparing between dating a man with children and dating a man without children and being childless forever." [Not really. Most of the (female) responses in this thread immediately jumped to the conclusion that she should not date a guy with kids and urged her to dump this guy. "Should I date him?" isn't even what she originally asked. What she asked was, how should she interact with those kids, and should she move in or keep her own place. So really, what she is comparing is living in a house with a man with children versus living in her own house and dating a man with children.]

"Teenagers mature enough not to cause problems when a new wife moves in? LOL!" [The exact scenario under discussion there was what happens when COLLEGE KIDS return home during summer or holiday breaks. And yes, it is reasonable to expect college kids to behave maturely around their father's partner. They're not 13, dumbass, they are 18 to 22. If they don't treat my partner with respect they'll answer to me.]

"It's not really the legwork of doing the scheduling, it's the necessity of compromise. If you do all the scheduling with your ex and the new wife doesn't think about it at all, then she has no input into when the children and grandchildren are in her home. That may not be desirable." [Meh, if the man has no kids, there is still an element of compromise about where to spend vacation time. Moreover, for every holiday that the kids are in "her home" (actually, MY home) there will be a holiday where the kids are in the XW's home, and she and I can do whatever we like on those holidays. Inasmuch as "what kid spends what holidays where" is precisely specified in the separation agreement, there is really nothing for anyone to think about. It is all known well in advance who goes where. If my partner wanted to start making changes in that schedule, I would simply have to tell her, sorry, no.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don't really care about control over scheduling, or who spends what holiday with who. I do care about control over my living space and that is one thing that scares me. I'm really not sure what to do, dating wise. I've always wanted to get married and now I am thinking, maybe that should not be my goal anymore, given how complicated the lives and finances so many men are.

IMHO the only real reason to marry is to have kids. I would rethink the marriage thing and also stop dating anyone with kids at home based on your responses. Your space, your life will include a relationship with these kids. While you say you don’t care about schedules...those schedules will impact your life. Your spouse/partner is will not be able to go on vacation with you or attend a wedding. He has his kids. Shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning all impacted by the sheer number of people. If your an introvert....it will impact you greatly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?" [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling" [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [Again: these are my kids, they are my problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.]

Ok, you're deluded, and I feel sorry for your kids and your future wife.

1) The OP is comparing between dating a man with children and dating a man without children and being childless forever. That's the comparison. Living with teenagers who are gone all day but come back to sleep is really, really different from living with no children at all.

2) Teenagers mature enough not to cause problems when a new wife moves in? LOL!

3) It's not really the legwork of doing the scheduling, it's the necessity of compromise. If you do all the scheduling with your ex and the new wife doesn't think about it at all, then she has no input into when the children and grandchildren are in her home. That may not be desirable.

You're not reading carefully.

"The OP is comparing between dating a man with children and dating a man without children and being childless forever." [Not really. Most of the (female) responses in this thread immediately jumped to the conclusion that she should not date a guy with kids and urged her to dump this guy. "Should I date him?" isn't even what she originally asked. What she asked was, how should she interact with those kids, and should she move in or keep her own place. So really, what she is comparing is living in a house with a man with children versus living in her own house and dating a man with children.]

"Teenagers mature enough not to cause problems when a new wife moves in? LOL!" [The exact scenario under discussion there was what happens when COLLEGE KIDS return home during summer or holiday breaks. And yes, it is reasonable to expect college kids to behave maturely around their father's partner. They're not 13, dumbass, they are 18 to 22. If they don't treat my partner with respect they'll answer to me.]

"It's not really the legwork of doing the scheduling, it's the necessity of compromise. If you do all the scheduling with your ex and the new wife doesn't think about it at all, then she has no input into when the children and grandchildren are in her home. That may not be desirable." [Meh, if the man has no kids, there is still an element of compromise about where to spend vacation time. Moreover, for every holiday that the kids are in "her home" (actually, MY home) there will be a holiday where the kids are in the XW's home, and she and I can do whatever we like on those holidays. Inasmuch as "what kid spends what holidays where" is precisely specified in the separation agreement, there is really nothing for anyone to think about. It is all known well in advance who goes where. If my partner wanted to start making changes in that schedule, I would simply have to tell her, sorry, no.]

The separation agreement doesn't apply when your children are grown. Yet they may still want to visit you for decades after that (or maybe not since you seem pretty hostile in general...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don't really care about control over scheduling, or who spends what holiday with who. I do care about control over my living space and that is one thing that scares me. I'm really not sure what to do, dating wise. I've always wanted to get married and now I am thinking, maybe that should not be my goal anymore, given how complicated the lives and finances so many men are.

IMHO the only real reason to marry is to have kids. I would rethink the marriage thing and also stop dating anyone with kids at home based on your responses. Your space, your life will include a relationship with these kids. While you say you don’t care about schedules...those schedules will impact your life. Your spouse/partner is will not be able to go on vacation with you or attend a wedding. He has his kids. Shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning all impacted by the sheer number of people. If your an introvert....it will impact you greatly.

Yes. OP, also think about what would happen if his ex becomes incapacitated or dies. God forbid, the result would be you having near-100% custody. That's what you're signing up for in a serious relationship with a man who has children. Understand that in advance, or don't date met with children at all.

Go in with the expectation that the childcare schedule will not change around your needs. It isn't the ex-wife's problem if you want to go on a vacation or whatever other reason you might want her to vary the schedule. You're the one who wants to come in to this system, and your boyfriend presumably wants you to, but the ex-wife and kids aren't asking for this. You're pushing yourself into their family whether they like it or not. Don't think that you're just such a delightful person everyone will be happy to spend time with you and accommodate your preferences. It doesn't work that way. The Consideration Pie is sliced pretty thin already in this situation and your slice isn't going to be any bigger that anyone else's. If that.

[Anonymous]

I won't lie, it's hard. My ex husband's new GF was always very standoffish with me, I don't understand why. I don't expect to be best friends but she was really cold. I guess I would say, attempt to make small talk of the ex does with you. If you are at a time and place where that's appropriate.
You can talk about the weather or the Redskins or traffic in DC, whatever.
I will say that her coldness was actually a good thing in that she was uninterested in my children. Never tried to become their other mom or compete with me there, for which I am very grateful.
She's gone now, relationship ended after 7 years. I'm grateful my kids had a stable woman in their dad's life for those critical years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I won't lie, it's hard. My ex husband's new GF was always very standoffish with me, I don't understand why. I don't expect to be best friends but she was really cold. I guess I would say, attempt to make small talk of the ex does with you. If you are at a time and place where that's appropriate.
You can talk about the weather or the Redskins or traffic in DC, whatever.
I will say that her coldness was actually a good thing in that she was uninterested in my children. Never tried to become their other mom or compete with me there, for which I am very grateful.
She's gone now, relationship ended after 7 years. I'm grateful my kids had a stable woman in their dad's life for those critical years.

I'm a divorced dad following this thread and just wanted to give props to the PP here, who seems to have a great perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't lie, it's hard. My ex husband's new GF was always very standoffish with me, I don't understand why. I don't expect to be best friends but she was really cold. I guess I would say, attempt to make small talk of the ex does with you. If you are at a time and place where that's appropriate.
You can talk about the weather or the Redskins or traffic in DC, whatever.
I will say that her coldness was actually a good thing in that she was uninterested in my children. Never tried to become their other mom or compete with me there, for which I am very grateful.
She's gone now, relationship ended after 7 years. I'm grateful my kids had a stable woman in their dad's life for those critical years.

I'm a divorced dad following this thread and just wanted to give props to the PP here, who seems to have a great perspective.

I think it’s sad if you think there’s anything “great” about that post. Stepmom is “cold”? “Uninterested” in the children? Dad needs s “stable” woman in his life? This is how low the expectations of the new woman the ex DH subjects his kid to have fallen? God help your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I won't lie, it's hard. My ex husband's new GF was always very standoffish with me, I don't understand why. I don't expect to be best friends but she was really cold. I guess I would say, attempt to make small talk of the ex does with you. If you are at a time and place where that's appropriate.
You can talk about the weather or the Redskins or traffic in DC, whatever.
I will say that her coldness was actually a good thing in that she was uninterested in my children. Never tried to become their other mom or compete with me there, for which I am very grateful.
She's gone now, relationship ended after 7 years. I'm grateful my kids had a stable woman in their dad's life for those critical years.

I'm a divorced dad following this thread and just wanted to give props to the PP here, who seems to have a great perspective.

I think it’s sad if you think there’s anything “great” about that post. Stepmom is “cold”? “Uninterested” in the children? Dad needs s “stable” woman in his life? This is how low the expectations of the new woman the ex DH subjects his kid to have fallen? God help your kids.

I was saying her perspective was great, not that her situation was great. She can't control who her ex dates. I'm guessing that it was not her desire for the new GF to be cold to her or her kids. But she can't control that, so she is expressing appreciation for what she can--that she has been able to continue to be a good parent to her kids and that their dad had a single GF and not rotating women. I say that is a great perspective, because most people (especially here) complain about new partners' failings without trying to see the positive side. This is not my situation--my ex has always been very warm to my fiancee and vice-versa, and I'm grateful they get along well--but I can see how the situation must have been tough on the PP and I appreciate her ability to put a good spin on it.