Tips for dating divorced dads? How to interact with their kids or their mom if you meet them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Is that a weird idea on my part? That even if we got married I might keep my own place and then just let them keep living however they want in their current house? I just don't think I could live how they live and be happy. But I also don't want to barge in and start demanding their house be run in a different way.

I think that is a great idea, honestly. You know what you want and what you don't want and you don't want and you don't want to force your way of life on someone else's kids.

I would just be sure to make it clear to your SO and the kids that its not that you don't want to be with them - its just that you don't want to interfere with the stuff they have going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. [Since my XW never did any cooking or cleaning for me, and never did my laundry, I am not looking for "replacement" domestic help. Seriously, who are these women who do all this? I want sex, affection, companionship, not a domestic lackey FFS.]

Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues. [This at least I agree with.]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, I almost think I am dating the OP. I have 50% custody of kids in middle school, live in the house that I used to share with XW, probably could use new furniture, and it is a guy's house. But you know, I'd be totally OK with my LTR keeping her own place. Wouldn't want her to move in before the kids move out.

I think this is a lot of guys. The guy I’m dating could be you- he also lives in the former marital home and has the kids half the time. All boys, so it is a guy’s house. But I don’t find it dirty or icky, it just lacks any feminine touches because there’s no woman in the house.. Nothing wrong with that.

But for the OP, my XH was a slob who wasn’t capable of cleaning up after himself. I’d caution that regardless of the kid situation it’s not fun living with or even being with someone who lives in squalor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad here. No woman is going to meet my kids unless I've been dating her for over a year. They're easy to interact with - just be kind and decent, and you wouldn't even be seeing them if I didn't think you were capable of that.

As for my ex, just tell her the simple truth - you're exhausted from constantly pleasuring me - and ask her if she knows where I learned all that kinky stuff.

OMG - hilarious. Can’t wait to try this! (Kidding) wish I could find you on Match.com!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Is that a weird idea on my part? That even if we got married I might keep my own place and then just let them keep living however they want in their current house? I just don't think I could live how they live and be happy. But I also don't want to barge in and start demanding their house be run in a different way.

Why get married?

I would not marry a person with kids, myself. Too hard on everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues.

No, dummy. We want another sex and relationship partner.

You say that because the rest of it is just invisible background to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues.

Yep, take it very slow. Divorced men are divorced for a reason. Question is what was it - cheating, emotionally abusive, or domestically lazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues.

Yep, take it very slow. Divorced men are divorced for a reason. Question is what was it - cheating, emotionally abusive, or domestically lazy?

Seriously, anyone divorced, male or female, should set off every red flag imaginable. Make sure you know what role they played in their failed marriage, and no matter how innocent they pretend to be, remember it always takes two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues.

Yep, take it very slow. Divorced men are divorced for a reason. Question is what was it - cheating, emotionally abusive, or domestically lazy?

So I guess the wife's behavior could not possibly be the reason for the divorce? His wife cheated, was emotionally abusive, or was domestically lazy aren't on the list of possibilities? Not sure where you'd put "decided to stop having sex with him" - I consider it a form of emotional abuse - but whatever the case, it is a valid ground for divorce.

Oh wait, I forgot DCUM Rule #1 -- any problem in a marriage is always 100% the man's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues.

Yep, take it very slow. Divorced men are divorced for a reason. Question is what was it - cheating, emotionally abusive, or domestically lazy?

Seriously, anyone divorced, male or female, should set off every red flag imaginable. Make sure you know what role they played in their failed marriage, and no matter how innocent they pretend to be, remember it always takes two.

The OP is in her 40s. The pool of never-married men in their 40s (her target demographic) is small, and frankly, their never-married status is also a red flag. Why didn't they ever get married? Immature, sexually dysfunctional, psychologically damaged, got sent to prison, totally focused on career? Whatever the case, if divorced and never-married men in their 40s both raise red flags, then she doesn't have a lot of options, does she?

Or you could take the view that marriages end for a lot of reasons, and the mere fact that it ended does not make that person damaged goods for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, OP, just don't. Really, if you don't like the idea of being a stepmom, it's unfair to the kids to be one. They have no control over this and you do. "Blending" a family (or suffering through one that hasn't really blended) is extremely difficult. Having someone around who doesn't really want that lifestyle just makes it more difficult for the people who are stuck with it.

You can try to live separately, but the children will still be an enormous part of his life and will necessarily affect your life even if you don't live with or spend time with them very much. And it is forever. Yes, children grow up and usually they move out, but sometimes they move back in. Sometimes they have their own children and then you're a step-grandmother. You will never, ever be done compromising and accommodating and scheduling things around his ex. Even if everyone is on their best behavior, it's logistically difficult.

Date someone else.

[Anonymous]

My son is in his 40s divorced about four years ago and dating. He has a steady GF who has never been married and has no kids. She is great. One of the most appealing things about her (to him and to me) is that she is just a normal, nice person, very unlike his crazy ex.

She is friendly with his kids without overstepping her role. They like her. She has also met his ex and managed to be friendly and nice to her too. I'm pretty sure ex was flabbergasted and didn't quite know how to act. It was all good, however. By the time she met the ex I think ex had calmed some of her psycho rage down and was able to pretend to be normal for a few minutes.

Just so you know, however, my son has told me that he absolutely will never marry again, no matter what. Not sure he's told her that but I think he has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, just don't. Really, if you don't like the idea of being a stepmom, it's unfair to the kids to be one. They have no control over this and you do. "Blending" a family (or suffering through one that hasn't really blended) is extremely difficult. Having someone around who doesn't really want that lifestyle just makes it more difficult for the people who are stuck with it.

You can try to live separately, but the children will still be an enormous part of his life and will necessarily affect your life even if you don't live with or spend time with them very much. And it is forever. Yes, children grow up and usually they move out, but sometimes they move back in. Sometimes they have their own children and then you're a step-grandmother. You will never, ever be done compromising and accommodating and scheduling things around his ex. Even if everyone is on their best behavior, it's logistically difficult.

Date someone else.

She's not blending a family. She doesn't have kids. She is in a relatively easy situation. Single mom trying to make it work with single dad is much, much harder. Kids can deal with a stepmom. Step-siblings are much more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, just don't. Really, if you don't like the idea of being a stepmom, it's unfair to the kids to be one. They have no control over this and you do. "Blending" a family (or suffering through one that hasn't really blended) is extremely difficult. Having someone around who doesn't really want that lifestyle just makes it more difficult for the people who are stuck with it.

You can try to live separately, but the children will still be an enormous part of his life and will necessarily affect your life even if you don't live with or spend time with them very much. And it is forever. Yes, children grow up and usually they move out, but sometimes they move back in. Sometimes they have their own children and then you're a step-grandmother. You will never, ever be done compromising and accommodating and scheduling things around his ex. Even if everyone is on their best behavior, it's logistically difficult.

Date someone else.

She's not blending a family. She doesn't have kids. She is in a relatively easy situation. Single mom trying to make it work with single dad is much, much harder. Kids can deal with a stepmom. Step-siblings are much more difficult.

She's trying to blend herself into an existing family. Look, OP, if you don't want to be a stepmom, don't. It's really, really hard even if you do want it. You have a choice and the children don't, so don't impose yourself into their lives if you don't actually want to be there. It's just going to lead to resentment on all sides. You will find a childless man if you keep trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, OP, just don't. Really, if you don't like the idea of being a stepmom, it's unfair to the kids to be one. They have no control over this and you do. "Blending" a family (or suffering through one that hasn't really blended) is extremely difficult. Having someone around who doesn't really want that lifestyle just makes it more difficult for the people who are stuck with it.

You can try to live separately, but the children will still be an enormous part of his life and will necessarily affect your life even if you don't live with or spend time with them very much. And it is forever. Yes, children grow up and usually they move out, but sometimes they move back in. Sometimes they have their own children and then you're a step-grandmother. You will never, ever be done compromising and accommodating and scheduling things around his ex. Even if everyone is on their best behavior, it's logistically difficult.

Date someone else.

She's not blending a family. She doesn't have kids. She is in a relatively easy situation. Single mom trying to make it work with single dad is much, much harder. Kids can deal with a stepmom. Step-siblings are much more difficult.

She's trying to blend herself into an existing family. Look, OP, if you don't want to be a stepmom, don't. It's really, really hard even if you do want it. You have a choice and the children don't, so don't impose yourself into their lives if you don't actually want to be there. It's just going to lead to resentment on all sides. You will find a childless man if you keep trying.

Her choices:
1. Stepmom (really not that hard)
2. Find some 40-ish never-married guy (weirdo/incel/workaholic)
3. Cats