Reply to Tips for dating divorced dads? How to interact with their kids or their mom if you meet them?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me. [/quote]

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent.  It's FOREVER.  It's not like they go off to college and that's the end.  How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?  What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?  What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?  God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young.  If this is the way you want to live, great.  Enjoy it!  But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone.  If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you.  Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.  [/quote]

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [b][Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.][/b]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [b][A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.][/b]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?"[b] [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.][/b]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling"[b] [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.] [/b]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [b][If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.][/b]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [b][Again: these are [i]my [/i]kids, they are [i]my [/i]problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.][/b][/quote]

I suspect that you either aren't very experienced with your kids yet (are they very young?) or you are living in a fantasy world.  I wonder what you mean by "I am a single dad".  Are you actually the parent with the majority of custody?

You will be very fortunate indeed if your kids are ones who launch on time at 18 (to college) and 22 (forever) without ever experiencing a major life trauma or set back that sucks you in.  And while sure, your partner "doesn't have to worry about" getting on the phone or email and scheduling the Xmas or Thxgiving visit, she DOES have to worry about having the extra people in her home or visiting them in theirs or being apart from you for x amount of time or yadda yadda yadda.  It's a very rare marriage where you can isolate the impacts your children's presence in your life from affecting your spouse.  Are you going to make absolutely sure you handle all the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry, the gift shopping, etc. etc. if your kids come visit you?  Going to help navigate your nippy dog and your toddler grandkid?  Going to go visit your newborn grandchild if your partner doesn't feel like travelling?  Or reciprocate by travelling when they've done the last four visits?  And on and on.  I remember my left his second wife at home with a new born and two other kids with chicken pox to attend my college graduation and drive me back to our home state.   She STILL talks about how traumatizing that was and it was 25 years ago!

Kids are a lifetime commitment.  If you're lucky you get them launched and you don't have to take care of them forever.  But sometimes life doesn't work out the way you plan or hope.  A new marriage partner has got to be realistic that even if you have the best of intentions, the existence of your children and their families WILL affect her.  In ways that can be unforeseen, unpredictable, and sometimes not pleasant.  Unless you guys are selfish @holes of course, then you can just blow off your kids and their problems at a certain age and not worry about them anymore.  Hope your new wife is on board with changing your diapers someday since the kids won't be around anymore in that scenario.

You get out what you put in.[/quote]

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