Tips for dating divorced dads? How to interact with their kids or their mom if you meet them?

[Anonymous]

I'm a single woman, early forties, childless. Am ok with and like kids but am not a natural with them. Suddenly now that I'm in my early forties I feel like tons of divorced dads in their mid to late forties are asking me out. Now I'm dating someone and it seems to have the potential to get serious. I haven't met his kids yet - it's only been a few months. I would imagine if will be a while if I meet his kids, if I ever do. But whether with this guy or someone in the future, given that my dating pool seems to consist pretty heavily of divorced dads - does anyone have tips on how to interact with the kids of someone you are dating? Or his ex if it comes to that? Now I see him pretty much every night he doesn't have custody, but not on the nights he does have custody (which is fine and makes sense of course). I'm kind of intimidated by the idea of meeting someone's kids. It's scary to me.

[Anonymous]

You sound normal; meeting someone's kids is a big deal. As a single woman with a child who is dating, I'd say the pitfalls lie less in how you interact with the kids and more so in how/when you meet those kids. Beware of anyone who wants you to meet them too early (I think anything less than 6 mos is too soon, personally), doesn't ever seem to parent them or have them, or is a Disney dad. Basically you're looking for a high quality person; make sure he's a high quality parent as well. As for meeting the kids, be nice, kind, and authentic. Respect that they already have two parents and you're just a nice adult friend. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Divorced dad here. No woman is going to meet my kids unless I've been dating her for over a year. They're easy to interact with - just be kind and decent, and you wouldn't even be seeing them if I didn't think you were capable of that.

As for my ex, just tell her the simple truth - you're exhausted from constantly pleasuring me - and ask her if she knows where I learned all that kinky stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced dad here. No woman is going to meet my kids unless I've been dating her for over a year. They're easy to interact with - just be kind and decent, and you wouldn't even be seeing them if I didn't think you were capable of that.

As for my ex, just tell her the simple truth - you're exhausted from constantly pleasuring me - and ask her if she knows where I learned all that kinky stuff.

PP here. You sound hot. Let's get a sitter and talk about this more in person.

[Anonymous]

OP do you want to get married and become a stepmother? You should decide this in the abstract before you fall in love with someone and have the decision made for you.

That said, it depends a lot on how old the kids are and the circumstances of the divorce. I personally would expect to never interact with the mother except in passing. I am a stepmother and I literally never talk to my husbands ex. I see her at events for my stepdaughter and we are cordial and polite but that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do you want to get married and become a stepmother? You should decide this in the abstract before you fall in love with someone and have the decision made for you.

That said, it depends a lot on how old the kids are and the circumstances of the divorce. I personally would expect to never interact with the mother except in passing. I am a stepmother and I literally never talk to my husbands ex. I see her at events for my stepdaughter and we are cordial and polite but that’s it.

Op here. Thanks. That's interesting about the ex.

I would probably prefer not to be a stepmother. But I've yet to met a man over forty who doesn't have kids who I actually like. And there aren't many of them anyway. Whereas for some reason divorced dads in their mid to late forties seem super eager to date me and there a ton of them, it feels like. And they are cuter and funnier and better conversationalists and better in bed than the weird, socially awkward never married guys I meet occasionally.

Previously I only dated guys who had kids in high school. That didn't seem like a big deal. They'd be at college soon and I like the idea of having older kids who are grown ups or nearly gown ups around sometimes. Possible future step grandkids could be nice if the kids were ok with me acting in that role. This guy has kids in junior high school and that scares me a little. I don't think I'd want to live in a fully integrated household with two kids. I think I'd rather keep my own place, and we can be at my own place when he doesn't have custody. Then he can be with them when he has custody (three nights a week, sometimes four). Maybe if it got super serious I could stay there or visit some of the nights he had custody. But it's this total - guys house. It's not in great shape and is badly in need of better cleaning and new furniture and I don't like the idea of me barging in and rearranging their house and way of doing things, but I also don't think I could ever live in that house, especially the way it is now and how they treat it. He lived there with his ex and that feels weird plus I just don't like the house or how they keep it. I'm not a neat freak, either. It's just - needs work and more regular cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Op again. Is that a weird idea on my part? That even if we got married I might keep my own place and then just let them keep living however they want in their current house? I just don't think I could live how they live and be happy. But I also don't want to barge in and start demanding their house be run in a different way.

[Anonymous]

Op again. And I'm not jumping the gun and assuming I'm going to marry this dude. I'm just thinking ahead since PP asked that question.

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, I almost think I am dating the OP. I have 50% custody of kids in middle school, live in the house that I used to share with XW, probably could use new furniture, and it is a guy's house. But you know, I'd be totally OK with my LTR keeping her own place. Wouldn't want her to move in before the kids move out.

[Anonymous]

Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmm, I almost think I am dating the OP. I have 50% custody of kids in middle school, live in the house that I used to share with XW, probably could use new furniture, and it is a guy's house. But you know, I'd be totally OK with my LTR keeping her own place. Wouldn't want her to move in before the kids move out.

Op here. I don't think so. He was asleep next to me when you posted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues.

Hmm. Yeah that's not what I want - becoming the replacement wife. Not sure yet if this guy is looking for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Is that a weird idea on my part? That even if we got married I might keep my own place and then just let them keep living however they want in their current house? I just don't think I could live how they live and be happy. But I also don't want to barge in and start demanding their house be run in a different way.

why on earth are you dating this person? Move on. They are not the package you want. Don’t use other people to check your I’m married box. You said up front you’d prefer not to be a step mother. You phrase that like it’s somehow out of your control. Kids don’t need a person in their life who is their stepmother but doesn’t want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Is that a weird idea on my part? That even if we got married I might keep my own place and then just let them keep living however they want in their current house? I just don't think I could live how they live and be happy. But I also don't want to barge in and start demanding their house be run in a different way.

I don't think it's weird, more couples are thinking about what actually works for them and their families and not assuming that you have to live together when you marry. I have friends who both have kids from previous marriages. They plan to marry but maintain separate households until kids are older or leave the home. It's definitely a healthier dynamic that the stepmom who moves in and expects to change the rules of the household or is unhappy dealing with all that kids bring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beware divorced guys with sub-par domestic skills. A lot of them want exactly what you fear... a replacement for their ex, to move in and cook and clean and make the house a home. Hard pass!!! Some of these guys will latch on to the first female willing to sleep with them. Don’t fall for it.

If you really like him and it becomes serious, keep your households separate until his kids are grown and off to college. Blended families are HARD. If your relationship can’t take waiting a few years until his kids are off to college, then it sure as heck won’t survive blended family issues.

No, dummy. We want another sex and relationship partner.