Tips for dating divorced dads? How to interact with their kids or their mom if you meet them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are teenage boys. Do teenage boys really care about having a relationship with or getting attention from a middle aged woman who did not know them before?

Teenage boys want a relationship with their father. If their father takes up with a woman who has no interest in knowing them in a meaningful way, that threatens the relationship with their father. Whether or not teenage boys can articulate it at the time, what they will likely want in the long run is to not feel like strangers in their dad's home and to be meaningfully incorporated into his intimate life, because that how kids should be (not INTIMATE but you know what I mean, inner circle).

So if this middle aged woman is going to be their father's lifetime companion, someone who their child might one day think of as a grandparent or grandparent like figure, then the good thing for that kid is to try to have a warm, friendly, trusting relationship with that woman. Doesn't have to be a mother-son operation, doesn't have to be best friends. But it needs to be more than, 'that lady my dad has over when we're at our moms who seems to not talk to us much'

Teenage boys are going to be much more concerned about a step-dad (aka "that fscking a-hole who lives with my mom and tries to tell me what to do even though he's not my dad") than they are about a step-mom.

All of you people are thinking short term. The reality is that sometimes men remarry and get pulled away from their existing kids and family. Moms may remarry but are less likely to drift from their first marriages children.

It's the mid life version of "A son is a son ‘til he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life."

A person considering becoming a stepmother at any point in the kids life has to understand this possibility and dynamic and try not to contribute to it.

I think that might have been more true back when moms typically had full custody and dads got "every other weekend". A dad who has 50/50 is not going to get "pulled away" from his first set of children. But that raises a different set of problems for the second wife / stepmom...

[Anonymous]

My ex-h has a girlfriend turned fiancée who interacts with my daughters. I despise her. The mother of your boyfriend’s kids probably also despises you. It’s nothing personal, I’m sure you are lovely, normal person. Mothers do not like other women crowding into the mothering role however. This is fact. Best advice is stay out of the way, and have a great time with your new boyfriend but don’t interfere even in the slightest. You most likely not be warmly received, by no fault of of your own. Be hands off, don’t post pictures of yourself in a motherly pose, don’t do specula milestone things like get ears pierced, don’t bribe them with lavish gifts, don’t interfere with parenting decisions like what kind of electronics the kids are allowed, etc.

I also have a boyfriend with a daughter, so I know both sides of this experience. It’s not easy. Unless you feel you are soulmates or are passionately, deeply in love, don’t bother...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single woman, early forties, childless. Am ok with and like kids but am not a natural with them. Suddenly now that I'm in my early forties I feel like tons of divorced dads in their mid to late forties are asking me out. Now I'm dating someone and it seems to have the potential to get serious. I haven't met his kids yet - it's only been a few months. I would imagine if will be a while if I meet his kids, if I ever do. But whether with this guy or someone in the future, given that my dating pool seems to consist pretty heavily of divorced dads - does anyone have tips on how to interact with the kids of someone you are dating? Or his ex if it comes to that? Now I see him pretty much every night he doesn't have custody, but not on the nights he does have custody (which is fine and makes sense of course). I'm kind of intimidated by the idea of meeting someone's kids. It's scary to me.

If you talk to the ex let her know how great he is and lucky that she let him loose for you

[Anonymous]

New women ie step mothers bring new traditions, and domestic stuff like new food and “how we do holidays”. Men generally do not, so they are perceived as less threatening to the original family. A step dad is like this benevolent friendly extra uncle. A step mom, even well meaning, can really mess things up.

Adult child of divorce who still dislikes the step mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single woman, early forties, childless. Am ok with and like kids but am not a natural with them. Suddenly now that I'm in my early forties I feel like tons of divorced dads in their mid to late forties are asking me out. Now I'm dating someone and it seems to have the potential to get serious. I haven't met his kids yet - it's only been a few months. I would imagine if will be a while if I meet his kids, if I ever do. But whether with this guy or someone in the future, given that my dating pool seems to consist pretty heavily of divorced dads - does anyone have tips on how to interact with the kids of someone you are dating? Or his ex if it comes to that? Now I see him pretty much every night he doesn't have custody, but not on the nights he does have custody (which is fine and makes sense of course). I'm kind of intimidated by the idea of meeting someone's kids. It's scary to me.

If you talk to the ex let her know how great he is and lucky that she let him loose for you

haha right enjoy, he’s aaaaaaall yours.

[Anonymous]

The new woman is younger and more beautiful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a single woman, early forties, childless. Am ok with and like kids but am not a natural with them. Suddenly now that I'm in my early forties I feel like tons of divorced dads in their mid to late forties are asking me out. Now I'm dating someone and it seems to have the potential to get serious. I haven't met his kids yet - it's only been a few months. I would imagine if will be a while if I meet his kids, if I ever do. But whether with this guy or someone in the future, given that my dating pool seems to consist pretty heavily of divorced dads - does anyone have tips on how to interact with the kids of someone you are dating? Or his ex if it comes to that? Now I see him pretty much every night he doesn't have custody, but not on the nights he does have custody (which is fine and makes sense of course). I'm kind of intimidated by the idea of meeting someone's kids. It's scary to me.

If you talk to the ex let her know how great he is and lucky that she let him loose for you

Ha! My ex’s second wife actually said a version of that to me days before their wedding. Less than a year later, she filed for divorce. Lots of apology texts and begging me for dirt on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-h has a girlfriend turned fiancée who interacts with my daughters. I despise her. The mother of your boyfriend’s kids probably also despises you. It’s nothing personal, I’m sure you are lovely, normal person. Mothers do not like other women crowding into the mothering role however. This is fact. Best advice is stay out of the way, and have a great time with your new boyfriend but don’t interfere even in the slightest. You most likely not be warmly received, by no fault of of your own. Be hands off, don’t post pictures of yourself in a motherly pose, don’t do specula milestone things like get ears pierced, don’t bribe them with lavish gifts, don’t interfere with parenting decisions like what kind of electronics the kids are allowed, etc.

I also have a boyfriend with a daughter, so I know both sides of this experience. It’s not easy. Unless you feel you are soulmates or are passionately, deeply in love, don’t bother...

You sound like you have some unresolved issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New women ie step mothers bring new traditions, and domestic stuff like new food and “how we do holidays”. Men generally do not, so they are perceived as less threatening to the original family. A step dad is like this benevolent friendly extra uncle. A step mom, even well meaning, can really mess things up.

Step-sons do not think this. On some level they hate they guy who is fcking their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New women ie step mothers bring new traditions, and domestic stuff like new food and “how we do holidays”. Men generally do not, so they are perceived as less threatening to the original family. A step dad is like this benevolent friendly extra uncle. A step mom, even well meaning, can really mess things up.

Step-sons do not think this. On some level they hate they guy who is fcking their mom.

Yes this is hilariously wrong. “Benevolent friendly uncle”??? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New women ie step mothers bring new traditions, and domestic stuff like new food and “how we do holidays”. Men generally do not, so they are perceived as less threatening to the original family. A step dad is like this benevolent friendly extra uncle. A step mom, even well meaning, can really mess things up.

Step-sons do not think this. On some level they hate they guy who is fcking their mom.

I think a guy who wants to get involved with a woman who's had kids is kinda desperate and not the cream of the crop anyway. So it's no surprise that the woman's kids don't like him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New women ie step mothers bring new traditions, and domestic stuff like new food and “how we do holidays”. Men generally do not, so they are perceived as less threatening to the original family. A step dad is like this benevolent friendly extra uncle. A step mom, even well meaning, can really mess things up.

Step-sons do not think this. On some level they hate they guy who is fcking their mom.

I think a guy who wants to get involved with a woman who's had kids is kinda desperate and not the cream of the crop anyway. So it's no surprise that the woman's kids don't like him.

Unless of course their Dad is a dirt bag, then step Dad is the coolest guy on Earth. But there are no abusive Dads out there...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New women ie step mothers bring new traditions, and domestic stuff like new food and “how we do holidays”. Men generally do not, so they are perceived as less threatening to the original family. A step dad is like this benevolent friendly extra uncle. A step mom, even well meaning, can really mess things up.

Step-sons do not think this. On some level they hate they guy who is fcking their mom.

I think a guy who wants to get involved with a woman who's had kids is kinda desperate and not the cream of the crop anyway. So it's no surprise that the woman's kids don't like him.

Unless of course their Dad is a dirt bag, then step Dad is the coolest guy on Earth. But there are no abusive Dads out there...

I can never understand a man who wants to raise another man's children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New women ie step mothers bring new traditions, and domestic stuff like new food and “how we do holidays”. Men generally do not, so they are perceived as less threatening to the original family. A step dad is like this benevolent friendly extra uncle. A step mom, even well meaning, can really mess things up.

Step-sons do not think this. On some level they hate they guy who is fcking their mom.

I think a guy who wants to get involved with a woman who's had kids is kinda desperate and not the cream of the crop anyway. So it's no surprise that the woman's kids don't like him.

Unless of course their Dad is a dirt bag, then step Dad is the coolest guy on Earth. But there are no abusive Dads out there...

I can never understand a man who wants to raise another man's children.

I don't get where you're coming from. Do you have personal experience? I do. My father raised my mom's kids from a previous marriage. He loved my mom, that's reason enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New women ie step mothers bring new traditions, and domestic stuff like new food and “how we do holidays”. Men generally do not, so they are perceived as less threatening to the original family. A step dad is like this benevolent friendly extra uncle. A step mom, even well meaning, can really mess things up.

Step-sons do not think this. On some level they hate they guy who is fcking their mom.

I think a guy who wants to get involved with a woman who's had kids is kinda desperate and not the cream of the crop anyway. So it's no surprise that the woman's kids don't like him.

Unless of course their Dad is a dirt bag, then step Dad is the coolest guy on Earth. But there are no abusive Dads out there...

I can never understand a man who wants to raise another man's children.

That’s because your ego and selfishness won’t allow such.