How to deal with family member who has been accused of sexual abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe victims. Full stop.

Nothing more needs to be said.

You don't even have to go that far. The fact is, OP believes *this* victim. Her husband wants "evidence," but even in a court of law, the credible testimony of a witness IS evidence sufficient to support a conviction. If you believe this woman, then you're done. If I truly believed that someone had abused or assaulted someone else, I would not welcome that person into my home, I would not attend events I knew they would be at, and I certainly would not allow them around my children. Your husband doesn't want it to be true, but either he believes the victim or he doesn't. He can't have it both ways, and claim to support her while looking for reasons that she's not telling the truth.

Excellent point. OP, you already have about as much information as you're likely to get, and you believe the victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Believe victims. Full stop.

Nothing more needs to be said.

Nonsense.

False accusations do happen <-- THIS needs to be said.

False accusations do happen but very, very rarely <---- This needs to be said.

[Anonymous]

OP, you said you have daughters (boys are abused almost as often). If your kids are older teens that know about this, it's imperative that DH be discrete if he spends time with accused. He should know that continuing the relationship based on the no proof parade is something your kids will probably process silently. If daughters, they may question whether their own father would believe them in the same situation. Same for boys, maybe even worse if your DH is an alpha male that may not believe the stats on sexual abuse of boys/young men.

If your kids are young and don't know, it is still something you should express to DH. Straight up question to DH, would he believe his daughter/son without proof? Would he believe them if they waited to come forward? Bring up the case of the gymnast who's father committed suicide because he did not believe his own young daughter was abused by Nassar. Double tragedy ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the victim is someone you are not close to -- maybe do not even know -- but the guy is someone your husband is friendly with, and your husband is not sure if the guy did it or not.

It might be useful for your husband to ask the guy what happened (unless the guy has already made his side of the story clear). Once your husband has all the info he can get, he needs to decide whether to continue the friendship as is, cool it a little, or totally avoid the guy.

I think any of those responses would be OK, depending on the level of doubt, the friend's regret (if there is no doubt), and how the friend acts going forward. It's healthy for you and your husband to discuss this decision making, but you have to trust your husband to make the right decision for his situation. (And he has to do the same for you, and respect your decision if you no longer want to be around this guy.)

I say this because even if the guy did it, we are not defined by our few worst actions, we are defined by the sum of what we do. People deserve the chance to learn from their mistakes and make amends in whatever way they can. Sometimes friends can even help them do that.

Um, no, not in the case of sexual abuse. Nope. SA is not some "mistake" people learn from. It is a horrific, horrific crime. If the man who is the abuser wants to "learn from his mistakes" he can go to the police, tell them what he did, come clean and go to jail. Simple as that. WTF people?????Come on. No wonder SA goes on and on and on and on. No wonder so many women have been abused (and men). We enable it through shit like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

Has he actually been charged, let alone tried and convicted?

If he has not been convicted, then you must treat him as innocent.

You’re insane. Only a minuscule number of rapists and molesters are ever convicted. I am not a court of law. I trust who I trust and I trust my judgment. If a loved one tells me she was abused by someone, I believe her.

There is no evidence that my brother abused me beyond the fact that he did. Are you actually expecting witnesses and forensic evidence for childhood sexual abuse? You are an ignoramus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a judge and jury. When the victum refuses to press charges, are you suppose to come to your own conclusion?

Speaking as a lawyer, a lot of you rape apologists (great term an earlier PP used) need to understand the difference between legal guilt and actual guilt. Legal guilt is determined by a judge and jury and is necessary in order for the state to punish someone. Actual guilt is not a matter of legal determination. When you fail to use your common sense and knowledge of the facts and instead hide behind "he's not been found guilty in court," you are being a fool, a coward, and an enabler. Court was not created so you could fail to protect others or so that you could stand behind perpetrators singing "la la la la don't want to know."

Can I get an Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a cousin who sexually abused me when I was a child - he was older and would babysit me. We see him at family gatherings. I am polite but would never let my children be around him out of my sight.

I'm not saying this is the right approach. It just is what it is, and I actually think this is very common. I have other friends who were abused by family members they are around all the time. This happens in families. And I would just say you should do what you feel is right.

Sorry this happened. What do you tell your kids? I ask because we are in a similar situation I am thinking bout telling my kids that so and so is not a safe person---so not only are they never alone with them, but also they know that this person is not safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a cousin who sexually abused me when I was a child - he was older and would babysit me. We see him at family gatherings. I am polite but would never let my children be around him out of my sight.

I'm not saying this is the right approach. It just is what it is, and I actually think this is very common. I have other friends who were abused by family members they are around all the time. This happens in families. And I would just say you should do what you feel is right.

Sorry this happened. What do you tell your kids? I ask because we are in a similar situation I am thinking bout telling my kids that so and so is not a safe person---so not only are they never alone with them, but also they know that this person is not safe.

Don’t do this. By being around this person at all, you are sending your kids the message that the emotional state you will be in around this person is normal. It isn’t. And giving them the information that the person is “unsafe” with no explanation of how...it’s awful. Something happens anyway and the kid will feel like it was his/her fault even more so—they were warned, after all! Just do not.

[Anonymous]

My mom was sexually abused over the span of several years when she was a young teen by her adult uncle (not blood related). While her immediate family stood by her, in their 1960's way, her extended family did not. She was accused of lying, trying to break up her aunt's marriage and all the insane stuff. It was an open "secret" that he was abusing the girls in the family. Her female cousins know all about it. She still hates her extended family to this day and has refused all contact with them for decades.

Nothing ever happened to the uncle. And I bet she wasn't the only victim.

[Anonymous]

Most men who sexually abuse children have multiple victims. I was abused by someone outside my family and then also by both parents. When I went to the police to report this as an adult, the statute of limitations had not passed, but the state's attorney didn't feel like it was a "winnable" case. Still, I feel like it was worth it. It put all the perpetrators on the radar of the police and a report was on file. The detective who took the report told me that the average abuser has at least 60 victims. 60.

Regarding what to tell your own children: I cut off contact with my entire family and every single person who supported the perpetrators in any way. So, my kids were never alone with them, and by the time my second child was born we stopped all contact. My daughter was 2 when we stopped seeing them. She did remember them and asked why we didn't see them. I just said they "hurt mommy". When they got older, I simply said there was abuse, without going into any details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

Has he actually been charged, let alone tried and convicted?

If he has not been convicted, then you must treat him as innocent.

Only an abuser would say that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

Has he actually been charged, let alone tried and convicted?

If he has not been convicted, then you must treat him as innocent.

Only an abuser would say that.

Right? If my kid tells me that her uncle abused her, and I believe her, I'm sure as hell not going to "treat him as innocent," whether or not he gets convicted. That's insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

Has he actually been charged, let alone tried and convicted?

If he has not been convicted, then you must treat him as innocent.

Only an abuser would say that.

Right? If my kid tells me that her uncle abused her, and I believe her, I'm sure as hell not going to "treat him as innocent," whether or not he gets convicted. That's insane.

+1. This thread has some rapists and enablers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most men who sexually abuse children have multiple victims. I was abused by someone outside my family and then also by both parents. When I went to the police to report this as an adult, the statute of limitations had not passed, but the state's attorney didn't feel like it was a "winnable" case. Still, I feel like it was worth it. It put all the perpetrators on the radar of the police and a report was on file. The detective who took the report told me that the average abuser has at least 60 victims. 60.

Regarding what to tell your own children: I cut off contact with my entire family and every single person who supported the perpetrators in any way. So, my kids were never alone with them, and by the time my second child was born we stopped all contact. My daughter was 2 when we stopped seeing them. She did remember them and asked why we didn't see them. I just said they "hurt mommy". When they got older, I simply said there was abuse, without going into any details.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I applaud your bravery for coming forward to the police years later to try to protect potential future victims. Please know that there may be behind the scenes activities going on. Perhaps a detective would monitor them electronically or this tip from you could be used in some other way to apprehend the perps. If someone else comes forward then you could be a witness because the police would know to contact you. You've done what you could. Thank you and best wishes for a happy, healthy life to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men who sexually abuse children have multiple victims. I was abused by someone outside my family and then also by both parents. When I went to the police to report this as an adult, the statute of limitations had not passed, but the state's attorney didn't feel like it was a "winnable" case. Still, I feel like it was worth it. It put all the perpetrators on the radar of the police and a report was on file. The detective who took the report told me that the average abuser has at least 60 victims. 60.

Regarding what to tell your own children: I cut off contact with my entire family and every single person who supported the perpetrators in any way. So, my kids were never alone with them, and by the time my second child was born we stopped all contact. My daughter was 2 when we stopped seeing them. She did remember them and asked why we didn't see them. I just said they "hurt mommy". When they got older, I simply said there was abuse, without going into any details.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I applaud your bravery for coming forward to the police years later to try to protect potential future victims. Please know that there may be behind the scenes activities going on. Perhaps a detective would monitor them electronically or this tip from you could be used in some other way to apprehend the perps. If someone else comes forward then you could be a witness because the police would know to contact you. You've done what you could. Thank you and best wishes for a happy, healthy life to you and your family.

Thank you so much for your kind message. I am married to a very kind, caring man and have two lovely children. I have a career working with children and love every second. I do hope the people who hurt me get what's coming to them in some fashion. Whether that's jail or cancer or a horrific car accident, I'm okay with any of those. I am thankful to the detective who took me seriously. And life goes on. I intend to enjoy it.