How to deal with family member who has been accused of sexual abuse

[Anonymous]

Op here. I've never once known my dh to be a "rape apologist." Or anything like that.

When I look back I realize that some things that I saw were indications of the abuse. Dh never noticed these things as odd. I think he's naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are the victim and the perpetrator, respectively, to you?

The answer is somewhat different if the perpetrator is your adult child and the victim is a cousin vs the other way around.

It doesn't involve our own children. The victim is the closer relative.

This seems like a no-brainer and your husband sounds like he may be a rape apologist. Is he?

I’m guessing it is her DH’s sister and her father and this happened when she was young. Hard for DH to believe that about his dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are the victim and the perpetrator, respectively, to you?

The answer is somewhat different if the perpetrator is your adult child and the victim is a cousin vs the other way around.

It doesn't involve our own children. The victim is the closer relative.

This seems like a no-brainer and your husband sounds like he may be a rape apologist. Is he?

I’m guessing it is her DH’s sister and her father and this happened when she was young. Hard for DH to believe that about his dad.

No. Perp is actually an inlaw, but dh has been close with him for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

I would not let him in your home or near your kids (or you) as its not worth the risk. Husband can see him outside the home but I'd be annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Is it his sister that is the victim? Either way, his approach is not supporting the victim. If he continues he needs to be prepared that the victim may cut dies with him/your family. I probably would given what you've shared.

[Anonymous]

Damn. Innocent until proven guilty.

Women do lie.

What is wrong with you people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

So if someone lies about your husband or son, you are cool about having them shunned?

[Anonymous]

You are not a judge and jury. When the victum refuses to press charges, are you suppose to come to your own conclusion?

[Anonymous]

We had a situation like this. DW's close family member may have abused her when she was really young. She has hazy memories. He's a lot older now, and seems like a nice, normal person to me, but what do I know. We'll never know for sure what happened, and something that happened that long ago with no real evidence is not going to be prosecuted anyway.

Our rule is our kids are never around with him alone. They get along with him fine, and he's not a touchy-feely person in general, and never with them, so we're both comfortable with that arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a judge and jury. When the victum refuses to press charges, are you suppose to come to your own conclusion?

She's not putting the guy in prison, FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a judge and jury. When the victum refuses to press charges, are you suppose to come to your own conclusion?

She's not putting the guy in prison, FFS.

Shunning people is a absolutely a version of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the kind of thing that tears families apart. Sorry OP.

If the accused could be guilty, then you support the sexual abuse victim.

That should read "If there is any chance accused could be guilty,"

That strikes me as really wrong, at least to the extent supporting the alleged victim means ostracizing the alleged assailant. I don't think it is right to shut someone out or take other sorts of punitive measures if there is a "any chance" he did it. I am not saying he need proof beyond a reasonable doubt, necessarily, but I would hope that you would have very good reason to believe it is true before you do that.

To the extent you can support the alleged victim without hurting the alleged assailant than I am all for it even when there is only some chance it is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Your husband is an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a judge and jury. When the victum refuses to press charges, are you suppose to come to your own conclusion?

She's not putting the guy in prison, FFS.

Shunning people is a absolutely a version of that.

Men who sexually abuse children are getting off easy with shunning. This "there's no evidence" crap only serves as complicity in abuse. Here's my evidence.....nightmares, flashbacks and trouble having sex with my husband who I love, 40 years after the abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not a judge and jury. When the victum refuses to press charges, are you suppose to come to your own conclusion?

She's not putting the guy in prison, FFS.

Shunning people is a absolutely a version of that.

Telling someone they can’t visit or spend time with some members of a family is akin to prison?? Dramatic much?