How to deal with family member who has been accused of sexual abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

Your DH’s thoughts and feelings may evolve from new jerk defense to doubt. I’m the DD of an accused man. I testified as a character witness on his behalf. Over the last 20 years, both more information and reflection on my own childhood have led me on an uncomfortable journey. I no longer can say that my dad is certainly innocent and would never do that. I realize there are incidents from my own childhood that wouldn’t pass a sniff test today. We don’t discuss it, but my father doesn’t have unsupervised physical interaction with my tween DD. If I could go back in time, I would not have testified.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, I know this is a complex issue and I mean no disrespect when I say this:

several victims said they were abused and they now are "polite" with the abuser - just make sure their kids are not around that person. I do not understand how you can be "polite" and around that person.

No need to answer or explain yourself to me - you have right to act as you wish...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, I know this is a complex issue and I mean no disrespect when I say this:

several victims said they were abused and they now are "polite" with the abuser - just make sure their kids are not around that person. I do not understand how you can be "polite" and around that person.

No need to answer or explain yourself to me - you have right to act as you wish...

Some possible reasons:
- because you (the victim) are unsure of exactly what happened
- because you have made peace with what happened
- because the alternative to politeness would disrupt relationships with others (family, friends)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

If the perpetrator were your son would you shut him out indefinitely? "Don't come around, don't call - you're dead to us."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

If the perpetrator were your son would you shut him out indefinitely? "Don't come around, don't call - you're dead to us."

DP. My children are the only people I love unconditionally. If it were my son, I would not shut him out, but I would also not expose him to anyone else in the family again - we would interact separately. Again, this would ONLY apply to my child. Not parents, not grandparents, not spouses, no one else. However, in this case, it's clearly not the OP's child, so this doesn't apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the victim is someone you are not close to -- maybe do not even know -- but the guy is someone your husband is friendly with, and your husband is not sure if the guy did it or not.

It might be useful for your husband to ask the guy what happened (unless the guy has already made his side of the story clear). Once your husband has all the info he can get, he needs to decide whether to continue the friendship as is, cool it a little, or totally avoid the guy.

I think any of those responses would be OK, depending on the level of doubt, the friend's regret (if there is no doubt), and how the friend acts going forward. It's healthy for you and your husband to discuss this decision making, but you have to trust your husband to make the right decision for his situation. (And he has to do the same for you, and respect your decision if you no longer want to be around this guy.)

I say this because even if the guy did it, we are not defined by our few worst actions, we are defined by the sum of what we do. People deserve the chance to learn from their mistakes and make amends in whatever way they can. Sometimes friends can even help them do that.

Seriously, PP?
"I molested some kids but I really regret it! Please continue to invite me to your family bbqs and involve me in your children's lives, that one little instance of pedophilia was an oops!"
"Well, as long as you're sorry, come on over."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

If the alleged crime was assault with a deadly weapon would you shut the accused out of your lives indefinitely?

[Anonymous]

As a parent, your obligation is to err on the side of caution and not expose your child to someone who *might* be a pedophile.

You don't slander the accused, or throw stones, or burn them in effigy. You simply deprive them of your company. If that means you don't go to family events, you don't go.

We had to do this when DH and I got a "weird vibe" from a friend of MIL. We refused to go to her house until she promised us he would not be there. When he showed up, we left. He can do what he wants, MIL can do what she wants - and we as parents do what we feel is right.

[Anonymous]

If this act was against kids, completely shut out. If it was aggressive, completely shut out. If it was a case of sexual misconduct but not necessarily aggressive harassment and they're remorseful? Could possibly have a relationship. Otherwise, cut off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

If the alleged crime was assault with a deadly weapon would you shut the accused out of your lives indefinitely?

IDK. I do know that the damage done by sexual abuse of children can be worse than that done via old-fashioned attempts to kill. Not a great comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

If the alleged crime was assault with a deadly weapon would you shut the accused out of your lives indefinitely?

IDK. I do know that the damage done by sexual abuse of children can be worse than that done via old-fashioned attempts to kill. Not a great comparison.

Child molesters tend to be repeat offenders with many, many victims. We often don’t hear from children who are molested because of complex reasons.

Some murders have multiple victims, but I’m pretty sure I read once that the majority of murders happen in the heat of the moment, and the murderer often continue their lives without murdering anyone else. I can’t cite the source and I could be misremembering that. At any rate, murderers don’t average 60 victims the way child molesters do, so I don’t think what you’re putting out there is a valid comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

If the alleged crime was assault with a deadly weapon would you shut the accused out of your lives indefinitely?

IDK. I do know that the damage done by sexual abuse of children can be worse than that done via old-fashioned attempts to kill. Not a great comparison.

Child molesters tend to be repeat offenders with many, many victims. We often don’t hear from children who are molested because of complex reasons.

Some murders have multiple victims, but I’m pretty sure I read once that the majority of murders happen in the heat of the moment, and the murderer often continue their lives without murdering anyone else. I can’t cite the source and I could be misremembering that. At any rate, murderers don’t average 60 victims the way child molesters do, so I don’t think what you’re putting out there is a valid comparison.

Who said anything about murder...question was about assault with a deadly weapon (doesn't have to be a gun could be a hammer, a knife, a brick).
Why are folks cool with continuing to have some nutjob with anger issues that is prone to pick up the first object he can find to strike someone with coming over for family gatherings and potentially hurt anybody, but totally against associating with someone who doesn't know that "No" means NO?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn. Innocent until proven guilty.

Women do lie.

What is wrong with you people?

Women are more likely to NOT report abuse/assault then they are to falsely report (which is along the same numbers as other crimes). So what is wrong with YOU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.