How to deal with family member who has been accused of sexual abuse

[Anonymous]

I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

[Anonymous]

My cousin's stepson raped a girl years ago. There were no witnesses to the event, but there was plenty of forensic evidence. He had always been a nasty kid and I don't think anyone, except possibly his mom (who is also a piece of work) thought he was innocent. I love my cousin, but he insisted we should give the young man a chance, etc. He kept claiming he didn't do it, that it was consensual, etc. Right before he faced a jury, he pled guilty to sexual battery. His lawyer told him that was the only way he'd avoid serving 20 years in prison, because several other girls came forward and said he'd done the same thing to them. He ended up doing about three years on the lesser charge and was released, although he's still on the sex offender list in his state. If FB is any indication, he still likes very young girls, even though he is now almost 30.

Anyway, the rest of us shut him out completely and he is not welcome at family events. My cousin has asked about bringing him to various things over the years and is always firmly told NO. Many of us have kids who are not too far from the age of the victim at the time and there is no way we would allow him near our daughters. The last time I saw him was at my grandmother's funeral, when he showed up unannounced, probably because he thought there was money to be inherited--there wasn't, and she never would've left him a cent anyway. My uncle told him to leave, and he refused. I pointed out that the church was connected to a preschool and he is not allowed by law to be near a school, and he left.

My advice is to stick to your guns. Don't let your guard down and certainly don't let this person near your children. It's better to be safe than sorry.

[Anonymous]

This is the kind of thing that tears families apart. Sorry OP.

If the accused could be guilty, then you support the sexual abuse victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the kind of thing that tears families apart. Sorry OP.

If the accused could be guilty, then you support the sexual abuse victim.

That should read "If there is any chance accused could be guilty,"

[Anonymous]

Treat him the exact same way you would treat someone your own daughter accused of sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat him the exact same way you would treat someone your own daughter accused of sexual abuse.

Op here. That is my instinct. I wish I could convince my husband the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Supporting her while trying to find a way to prove she lied isn’t really supporting her. He needs to learn how to actually be supportive. Maybe reading more about what victims go through, and stats about sexual abuse and assault would help him understand her experience more.

[Anonymous]

I guess it depends on what "support" means to your DH?? I guess I could be cordial if I saw him somewhere, but I wouldn't want to cook hm dinner.

[Anonymous]

How close are the victim and the perpetrator, respectively, to you?

The answer is somewhat different if the perpetrator is your adult child and the victim is a cousin vs the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Supporting her while trying to find a way to prove she lied isn’t really supporting her. He needs to learn how to actually be supportive. Maybe reading more about what victims go through, and stats about sexual abuse and assault would help him understand her experience more.

Op here. This is a good idea. I don't think he's read as much on the subject as I have, and so isn't aware of how a seemingly good guy can do such a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How close are the victim and the perpetrator, respectively, to you?

The answer is somewhat different if the perpetrator is your adult child and the victim is a cousin vs the other way around.

It doesn't involve our own children. The victim is the closer relative.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to operate in tandem all the time, you know. Let your husband go to events where this guy will be. You can refuse to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are the victim and the perpetrator, respectively, to you?

The answer is somewhat different if the perpetrator is your adult child and the victim is a cousin vs the other way around.

It doesn't involve our own children. The victim is the closer relative.

This seems like a no-brainer and your husband sounds like he may be a rape apologist. Is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to operate in tandem all the time, you know. Let your husband go to events where this guy will be. You can refuse to go.

I agree with this. If your husband wants to hang out with this guy outside your home, so be it. But I would put my foot down and not invite him to my house or socialize with him myself.