How to deal with family member who has been accused of sexual abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

And why molesters get away with abusing multiple people.

This is the Catholic church.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.

Easy...all depends on who the accuser is and their relationship to that person.
Let's say it's your favorite cousin Jimmy that you grew up together with being accused, I bet you'd be reluctant to believe its true.
But if it's your distant Uncle Ted who you never really liked anyway then you'd have no hesitation about rendering a guilty verdict.
If you too are a human being with emotions (that can sometimes be misleading) and perceptions (which can sometimes be prejudicial) then you too should be able to see how people sometimes end up extending the benefit of the doubt. If you're a robot or some alien from Vulcan with no emotions then it's understandable why you would find it oh so baffling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

If the alleged crime was assault with a deadly weapon would you shut the accused out of your lives indefinitely?

IDK. I do know that the damage done by sexual abuse of children can be worse than that done via old-fashioned attempts to kill. Not a great comparison.

+1. Op here.

I'd especially shut someone out of my life if they committed assault with a deadly weapon over and over again, to the same victim over several years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.

Op here. This is essentially what I discussed with dh the other day. I think he sees the light now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.

Easy...all depends on who the accuser is and their relationship to that person.
Let's say it's your favorite cousin Jimmy that you grew up together with being accused, I bet you'd be reluctant to believe its true.
But if it's your distant Uncle Ted who you never really liked anyway then you'd have no hesitation about rendering a guilty verdict.
If you too are a human being with emotions (that can sometimes be misleading) and perceptions (which can sometimes be prejudicial) then you too should be able to see how people sometimes end up extending the benefit of the doubt. If you're a robot or some alien from Vulcan with no emotions then it's understandable why you would find it oh so baffling.

No i.wouldn't. The face of abusers is often somebody that was liked.

The ignorant think they can tell if somebody is an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.

Easy...all depends on who the accuser is and their relationship to that person.
Let's say it's your favorite cousin Jimmy that you grew up together with being accused, I bet you'd be reluctant to believe its true.
But if it's your distant Uncle Ted who you never really liked anyway then you'd have no hesitation about rendering a guilty verdict.
If you too are a human being with emotions (that can sometimes be misleading) and perceptions (which can sometimes be prejudicial) then you too should be able to see how people sometimes end up extending the benefit of the doubt. If you're a robot or some alien from Vulcan with no emotions then it's understandable why you would find it oh so baffling.

Oh, I see how people justify it to themselves. It still doesn’t change the bolded for me. Not sure how erring on the side of victims makes me a robot but I’ll take that as a compliment that my emotions are in the right place, on the right side of the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.

Easy...all depends on who the accuser is and their relationship to that person.
Let's say it's your favorite cousin Jimmy that you grew up together with being accused, I bet you'd be reluctant to believe its true.
But if it's your distant Uncle Ted who you never really liked anyway then you'd have no hesitation about rendering a guilty verdict.
If you too are a human being with emotions (that can sometimes be misleading) and perceptions (which can sometimes be prejudicial) then you too should be able to see how people sometimes end up extending the benefit of the doubt. If you're a robot or some alien from Vulcan with no emotions then it's understandable why you would find it oh so baffling.

Oh, I see how people justify it to themselves. It still doesn’t change the bolded for me. Not sure how erring on the side of victims makes me a robot but I’ll take that as a compliment that my emotions are in the right place, on the right side of the issue.

The reason why people hang out with sexual abusers is because they are too weak to stand up too the unit. They would rather hang out at Christmas with an abuser than alone. It's sad and weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.

Easy...all depends on who the accuser is and their relationship to that person.
Let's say it's your favorite cousin Jimmy that you grew up together with being accused, I bet you'd be reluctant to believe its true.
But if it's your distant Uncle Ted who you never really liked anyway then you'd have no hesitation about rendering a guilty verdict.
If you too are a human being with emotions (that can sometimes be misleading) and perceptions (which can sometimes be prejudicial) then you too should be able to see how people sometimes end up extending the benefit of the doubt. If you're a robot or some alien from Vulcan with no emotions then it's understandable why you would find it oh so baffling.

Oh, I see how people justify it to themselves. It still doesn’t change the bolded for me. Not sure how erring on the side of victims makes me a robot but I’ll take that as a compliment that my emotions are in the right place, on the right side of the issue.

The reason why people hang out with sexual abusers is because they are too weak to stand up too the unit. They would rather hang out at Christmas with an abuser than alone. It's sad and weak.

You can both be very, very clear that you side with the victim and demand a full explanation/apology/etc. and not shut someone out of your life. I think different people have different lines for where it is appropriate to shut someone out entirely, and those differences are not necessarily "sad and weak."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.

Easy...all depends on who the accuser is and their relationship to that person.
Let's say it's your favorite cousin Jimmy that you grew up together with being accused, I bet you'd be reluctant to believe its true.
But if it's your distant Uncle Ted who you never really liked anyway then you'd have no hesitation about rendering a guilty verdict.
If you too are a human being with emotions (that can sometimes be misleading) and perceptions (which can sometimes be prejudicial) then you too should be able to see how people sometimes end up extending the benefit of the doubt. If you're a robot or some alien from Vulcan with no emotions then it's understandable why you would find it oh so baffling.

Oh, I see how people justify it to themselves. It still doesn’t change the bolded for me. Not sure how erring on the side of victims makes me a robot but I’ll take that as a compliment that my emotions are in the right place, on the right side of the issue.

The reason why people hang out with sexual abusers is because they are too weak to stand up too the unit. They would rather hang out at Christmas with an abuser than alone. It's sad and weak.

You can both be very, very clear that you side with the victim and demand a full explanation/apology/etc. and not shut someone out of your life. I think different people have different lines for where it is appropriate to shut someone out entirely, and those differences are not necessarily "sad and weak."

But if that person molested a child, and you have children of your own, how on earth do you allow this person near your children? Even if you never leave them alone, grooming can happen right under your nose...

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP ever said the victim was a child? But maybe I missed that. Anyway, OP, I don't think your husband is a rape apologist. I think he's having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that someone he likes could do something horrible. That doesn't make your husband a monster, it makes him a human. I do see how he could say he supports the victim but still be struggling with this. I think all the people who speak about this in black and white terms aren't helpful because they're not acknowledging that emotions are complex. It sounds like your husband is coming around and hopefully it won't be an issue. But I wouldn't attack him with torches for being conflicted. This would be a hard thing for people to process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, I know this is a complex issue and I mean no disrespect when I say this:

several victims said they were abused and they now are "polite" with the abuser - just make sure their kids are not around that person. I do not understand how you can be "polite" and around that person.

No need to answer or explain yourself to me - you have right to act as you wish...

Because sexual predators generally come from very dysfunctional and abusive families, and their victims are part of these families too. The family culture is so steeped in supporting this dysfunction and abuse, in so many detailed ways that it's hard for people from non-abusive families to understand. Standing up to the abusive family member often means losing your entire family of origin. As messed up as these people might be, it's all the victim has. It often means the family members will launch attacks against the victim for bringing this to light. The victim will be called a liar and slandered. It brings more trauma. I know because I did this. I didn't even demand anyone to side with me; I merely told my story. I have exactly one semi-supportive family member and am estranged from almost everyone else. Many relatives completely shut me out. They're very invested in their own narrative of their family. My story is inconsistent with this so I'm discredited. I'm glad I did it but it's no small thing to lose your family or origin, twisted as they may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men who sexually abuse children have multiple victims. I was abused by someone outside my family and then also by both parents. When I went to the police to report this as an adult, the statute of limitations had not passed, but the state's attorney didn't feel like it was a "winnable" case. Still, I feel like it was worth it. It put all the perpetrators on the radar of the police and a report was on file. The detective who took the report told me that the average abuser has at least 60 victims. 60.

Regarding what to tell your own children: I cut off contact with my entire family and every single person who supported the perpetrators in any way. So, my kids were never alone with them, and by the time my second child was born we stopped all contact. My daughter was 2 when we stopped seeing them. She did remember them and asked why we didn't see them. I just said they "hurt mommy". When they got older, I simply said there was abuse, without going into any details.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I applaud your bravery for coming forward to the police years later to try to protect potential future victims. Please know that there may be behind the scenes activities going on. Perhaps a detective would monitor them electronically or this tip from you could be used in some other way to apprehend the perps. If someone else comes forward then you could be a witness because the police would know to contact you. You've done what you could. Thank you and best wishes for a happy, healthy life to you and your family.

Thank you so much for your kind message. I am married to a very kind, caring man and have two lovely children. I have a career working with children and love every second. I do hope the people who hurt me get what's coming to them in some fashion. Whether that's jail or cancer or a horrific car accident, I'm okay with any of those. I am thankful to the detective who took me seriously. And life goes on. I intend to enjoy it.

PP here. I'm so glad to hear you've created a nice life for yourself. I love your attitude of intending to enjoy your life. And kudos to the detective for validating what you already know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The victim is now an adult, and I don't think she's going to press charges. There's no forensic evidence. My husband does support the victim but he's also desperate to find some solid clue to indicate either the guy did it, or didn't. He seems to be looking for some other reason she might be saying this. But I'm not seeing it. I believe and support the victim. I know there will never be an answer.

Then your DH doesn't support the victim, sadly. And this is why people don't come forward.

+1. Spending more energy on the hunt for other, more unlikely reasons for a 'lie being told', instead of believing what is likely based on a child's words is the problem. This would kill the survivor to know this denial/investigation is still going on.

For people like your DH, they would need to be in the room to see it. And even then a large % of people would look the other way. If he doesn't want to throw out the relationship with the abuser he needs to realize that he is doing exactly that with the survivor. His 'not choosing' is actually choosing- against the survivor of the abuse.

I don't see how anyone with children can err on the side of extending a benefit of the doubt to an abuser.

Easy...all depends on who the accuser is and their relationship to that person.
Let's say it's your favorite cousin Jimmy that you grew up together with being accused, I bet you'd be reluctant to believe its true.
But if it's your distant Uncle Ted who you never really liked anyway then you'd have no hesitation about rendering a guilty verdict.
If you too are a human being with emotions (that can sometimes be misleading) and perceptions (which can sometimes be prejudicial) then you too should be able to see how people sometimes end up extending the benefit of the doubt. If you're a robot or some alien from Vulcan with no emotions then it's understandable why you would find it oh so baffling.

Oh, I see how people justify it to themselves. It still doesn’t change the bolded for me. Not sure how erring on the side of victims makes me a robot but I’ll take that as a compliment that my emotions are in the right place, on the right side of the issue.

The reason why people hang out with sexual abusers is because they are too weak to stand up too the unit. They would rather hang out at Christmas with an abuser than alone. It's sad and weak.

You can both be very, very clear that you side with the victim and demand a full explanation/apology/etc. and not shut someone out of your life. I think different people have different lines for where it is appropriate to shut someone out entirely, and those differences are not necessarily "sad and weak."

They are sad and weak if they let the accused come to Christmas with children or anywhere with children. Sure... go have lunch and say you are sorry they can't be at family gatherings with children and the abused. The relationship must change.

But expecting the abused to endure a family party with the perp is sad and weak.

[Anonymous]

Keep your kids away from him. Let your husband see him alone. If you might get divorced over this then I would see the family memeber but never take my eyes off my kids. If you get divorced then there is no way for you to make your ex husband not take your kids around him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a cousin who sexually abused me when I was a child - he was older and would babysit me. We see him at family gatherings. I am polite but would never let my children be around him out of my sight.

I'm not saying this is the right approach. It just is what it is, and I actually think this is very common. I have other friends who were abused by family members they are around all the time. This happens in families. And I would just say you should do what you feel is right.

Did you ever says thing about not wanting your cousin to babysit?

I’m just wondering because my DCs much older cousin sometimes babysits them, and while I trust the cousin, I wonder if my DCs would give me any clue that something was going on that shouldn’t. Dcs are always excited about this cousin babysitting so I have no reason to think they’re being abused.

This is the PP. My cousin lives out of state, so he would never be in a position to babysit. I would NEVER let any man other than my child's grandfather babysit them. (Having been raised by him, I am confident he's not a child abuser.) It might be an overreaction, but given what I've been through and know has happened to others, it's my strict policy. Everyone in my family trusted my cousin, too. He was kind of a golden child, a favorite grandson, nephew, etc., to everyone in the family. He seemed very responsible to everyone -- also fun and good with kids. I will say I was never excited about having him babysit.