How to deal with family member who has been accused of sexual abuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a cousin who sexually abused me when I was a child - he was older and would babysit me. We see him at family gatherings. I am polite but would never let my children be around him out of my sight.

I'm not saying this is the right approach. It just is what it is, and I actually think this is very common. I have other friends who were abused by family members they are around all the time. This happens in families. And I would just say you should do what you feel is right.

Sorry this happened. What do you tell your kids? I ask because we are in a similar situation I am thinking bout telling my kids that so and so is not a safe person---so not only are they never alone with them, but also they know that this person is not safe.

I haven't told my kids - they are very young. But you actually raise an interesting question, whether I should tell them when they are a bit older so they know these dangers are real not just from him but others. I of course talk to them in general about these things, but haven't mentioned my own experience. I'm afraid it would be too upsetting to them. My husband knows -- and I've had to beg him never to punch the cousin or say anything to him. It's obviously very hard for my husband at family gatherings where the cousin is around. They are rare - like every couple of years or so, in big groups. We don't have a direct relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, I know this is a complex issue and I mean no disrespect when I say this:

several victims said they were abused and they now are "polite" with the abuser - just make sure their kids are not around that person. I do not understand how you can be "polite" and around that person.

No need to answer or explain yourself to me - you have right to act as you wish...

Some possible reasons:
- because you (the victim) are unsure of exactly what happened
- because you have made peace with what happened
- because the alternative to politeness would disrupt relationships with others (family, friends)

I'm the PP who said I was polite, and for me it is a combination of the second and third things here. Mostly the third. But it's complicated. When I say polite, I mean I don't throw my food in his face or say anything to him about what happened to cause a scene that would be disruptive to a large family gathering. I basically nod and say hello, then try to spend my time visiting with other family members when he's around.