How to deal with family member who has been accused of sexual abuse

[Anonymous]

My husband would probably do the same thing, OP.

It's not making excuses for violence against women, it's being unable to proceed to judgement without "evidence".

I would continue to explain what evidence actually means. Indirect, direct, clues to behavior, the social risks an accuser faces when she comes out publicly, there are so many things to weigh. Research shows that accusers hardly ever make unfounded claims, and that all claims, even the unsubstantiated ones, need to be taken seriously.

I would not let this go. This person needs to be shunned. It is better to err on the side of shunning an innocent person rather than ignoring an abused person's claim. The man will never be charged, he will never go to prison, he gets to live a somewhat normal life. So he's not suffering that much, is he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

Has he actually been charged, let alone tried and convicted?

If he has not been convicted, then you must treat him as innocent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treat him the exact same way you would treat someone your own daughter accused of sexual abuse.

How about treat him the way you'd want people to treat your son if your son was accused of sexual abuse.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the victim is someone you are not close to -- maybe do not even know -- but the guy is someone your husband is friendly with, and your husband is not sure if the guy did it or not.

It might be useful for your husband to ask the guy what happened (unless the guy has already made his side of the story clear). Once your husband has all the info he can get, he needs to decide whether to continue the friendship as is, cool it a little, or totally avoid the guy.

I think any of those responses would be OK, depending on the level of doubt, the friend's regret (if there is no doubt), and how the friend acts going forward. It's healthy for you and your husband to discuss this decision making, but you have to trust your husband to make the right decision for his situation. (And he has to do the same for you, and respect your decision if you no longer want to be around this guy.)

I say this because even if the guy did it, we are not defined by our few worst actions, we are defined by the sum of what we do. People deserve the chance to learn from their mistakes and make amends in whatever way they can. Sometimes friends can even help them do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

Has he actually been charged, let alone tried and convicted?

If he has not been convicted, then you must treat him as innocent.

No you don't.

That is only true in a court of law.

There are much less offenses that have not been proven in a court of law that would make me stop bringing my children around somebody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Treat him the exact same way you would treat someone your own daughter accused of sexual abuse.

How about treat him the way you'd want people to treat your son if your son was accused of sexual abuse.

Get him therapy and not allow him around young children?

That is what I would do.

[Anonymous]

Believe victims. Full stop.

Nothing more needs to be said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe victims. Full stop.

Nothing more needs to be said.

You don't even have to go that far. The fact is, OP believes *this* victim. Her husband wants "evidence," but even in a court of law, the credible testimony of a witness IS evidence sufficient to support a conviction. If you believe this woman, then you're done. If I truly believed that someone had abused or assaulted someone else, I would not welcome that person into my home, I would not attend events I knew they would be at, and I certainly would not allow them around my children. Your husband doesn't want it to be true, but either he believes the victim or he doesn't. He can't have it both ways, and claim to support her while looking for reasons that she's not telling the truth.

[Anonymous]

My cousin is serving time for abusing children he babysat when he was a young teen (14). I believe he did it and he claims someone abused him but has refused to identify who. I also believe he was abused himself and am frustrated he don’t tell who because in all likelihood it’s another family member because he had zero friends growing up.

So my extended family has spent the last 15 years trying to figure out who abused my cousin, and many (including me) think it was my uncle (not my cousin’s father, but an uncle to both me and my cousin). But there is no proof and the alleged victim is a perp himself and in jail. It sucks.

My parents and siblings have greatly distanced themselves from this uncle and now that I have kids so have I. I’m sorry but I just can’t take any risks with my kids. NONE. OP if you believe this victim, I would keep your kids away too. Often times here is no concrete evidence, no body fluids, no bruises, no photographic injury. Things also aren’t always so black and white. You don’t need criminal court level conviction evidence to have an opinion and make a decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousin is serving time for abusing children he babysat when he was a young teen (14). I believe he did it and he claims someone abused him but has refused to identify who. I also believe he was abused himself and am frustrated he don’t tell who because in all likelihood it’s another family member because he had zero friends growing up.

So my extended family has spent the last 15 years trying to figure out who abused my cousin, and many (including me) think it was my uncle (not my cousin’s father, but an uncle to both me and my cousin). But there is no proof and the alleged victim is a perp himself and in jail. It sucks.

My parents and siblings have greatly distanced themselves from this uncle and now that I have kids so have I. I’m sorry but I just can’t take any risks with my kids. NONE. OP if you believe this victim, I would keep your kids away too. Often times here is no concrete evidence, no body fluids, no bruises, no photographic injury. Things also aren’t always so black and white. You don’t need criminal court level conviction evidence to have an opinion and make a decision.

Stick with your gut.

Protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Believe victims. Full stop.

Nothing more needs to be said.

Nonsense.

False accusations do happen <-- THIS needs to be said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

We can't begin to advise you without details. There is such a thing as cause for doubt. There is also such a thing as the "cause for doubt" that relatives who would rather remain in the dark make up to avoid disturbing their status quo. We have no way of knowing which situation this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not a judge and jury. When the victum refuses to press charges, are you suppose to come to your own conclusion?

Speaking as a lawyer, a lot of you rape apologists (great term an earlier PP used) need to understand the difference between legal guilt and actual guilt. Legal guilt is determined by a judge and jury and is necessary in order for the state to punish someone. Actual guilt is not a matter of legal determination. When you fail to use your common sense and knowledge of the facts and instead hide behind "he's not been found guilty in court," you are being a fool, a coward, and an enabler. Court was not created so you could fail to protect others or so that you could stand behind perpetrators singing "la la la la don't want to know."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a backstory is necessary because this happens in so many families, and I'm looking for advice from people who have been there. When someone in your family has been accused of sexual abuse, how do you move forward in regards to the alleged perpetrator, if there is the slightest possibility that he's innocent?

I want to shut this perpetrator out of our lives. Dh isn't ready to do that as he sees reason to doubt the victim's story (I don't). What do you do? How do you deal with the alleged abuser when he calls, wants to get together, etc? He will always deny this, there will never be definitive proof, so I don't see this situation as ever being resolved. Dh isn't necessarily backing him no matter what; he just doesn't want to shun a possibly innocent person.

Has he actually been charged, let alone tried and convicted?

If he has not been convicted, then you must treat him as innocent.

Lawyer here. Hi, pedophile! Because that's what you must be to espouse such a foolish and dishonest position. There is no world in which any decent person has to wait like an idiot to be told by a jury what the right thing to do is. The legal process was created to justify the state's involvement in punishment. It was not created so that individuals could justify supporting abusers. Nice try though!

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut, protect yourself and your kids.