Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

Why don’t you take the daycare expenses out of her Dh’s $200,000 income instead of her $35k share?

OP here. So after tax math.

156k (DH) + 21k (me!) = 177k combined after taxes estimated from current paychecks

Daycare will be about 26k (2200 x 12 months). I assume a nanny will be more, but considering as more flexible.

So, math is that we'd have 151 take home if I work. Or if I don't work, take home is 156k although I don't know how taxes will change with 2 dependents.

I'm struggling to see how my working is best financially. I could be wrong here, but I'm personally not seeing it.

Does your work have any benefits that you haven't listed? Better health care, 401k match, bonus, etc?
It sounds like your mind is made up. You just need to green light to go ahead. Discuss with your husband tonight, with numbers and then go!
If you do not enjoy staying home, you can always look for a better position later.

As we are a small non-profit, the benefits aren't good. They offer no matching, no bonus, terrible health insurance, and no FMLA due to less than 15 employees; job handbook policy is that my job will be held for 4 weeks following birth with unpaid leave. The only benefit is that they offer a $30/month exercise benefit so I get reimbursed for 1 cycle class/month if that counts.

I guess I'm leaning one way, but I still worry about stepping back professionally as I never thought I'd ever consider staying home even though I was raised by a SAH.

Don't worry you have time to step back in. On my resume I only list years for dates worked (not month and year). This will give you a window to go back and job hunt without it looking like a large gap in time. After a few months of staying at home, you should generally have a feeling about it being enjoyable or missing your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

Why don’t you take the daycare expenses out of her Dh’s $200,000 income instead of her $35k share?

OP here. So after tax math.

156k (DH) + 21k (me!) = 177k combined after taxes estimated from current paychecks

Daycare will be about 26k (2200 x 12 months). I assume a nanny will be more, but considering as more flexible.

So, math is that we'd have 151 take home if I work. Or if I don't work, take home is 156k although I don't know how taxes will change with 2 dependents.

I'm struggling to see how my working is best financially. I could be wrong here, but I'm personally not seeing it.

OP, obviously you want to stay home. Just be sure you understand the dynamic of your marriage well enough to know if it can withstand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

Why don’t you take the daycare expenses out of her Dh’s $200,000 income instead of her $35k share?

OP here. So after tax math.

156k (DH) + 21k (me!) = 177k combined after taxes estimated from current paychecks

Daycare will be about 26k (2200 x 12 months). I assume a nanny will be more, but considering as more flexible.

So, math is that we'd have 151 take home if I work. Or if I don't work, take home is 156k although I don't know how taxes will change with 2 dependents.

I'm struggling to see how my working is best financially. I could be wrong here, but I'm personally not seeing it.

The math makes sense. Unless you love your job and see it having great upside staying home is an easy decision. If you find that staying at home isn't for you after all you can always go back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

+1 I tried to continue working because I felt like it's what I "should" do - but I was not prepared for the ugly reality that I wa literally missing the grand, grand majority of my child's waking hours. It sucked - I stayed home for a few years while my children were young and I have NEVER regretted it. You can never get that time back. As for marital dynamics...provided you have a normal, healthy relationship where you value each other as people this will not affect it in the least.

[Anonymous]

OP. I think you do what works for you and your family. Period. No one can tell you one or the other is better. In our family, both DH and I have intentionally chosen career paths that are more flexible so between us we are there for our kids. I went from biglaw to fed attorney with 3 days of telework. I can’t work over 40 hours a week. His job allows nearly 100% telework and a lot of flexibility. He can take kids to the doctor midday, and work later at night. I have set hours and can’t, but can make dinner and supervise homework if he needs to make up lost work time. This works for us. It might not work for other people.

A word of caution. My kids are now reaching HS age. I know quite a few SAHMs who were only planning to SAH for a set period— until kids were in pre-school, until kids were in ES, etc. But almost all of them are still at home, with kids in middle school and high school, and looking at soon to be empty nests. And the fact is, in many fields, 50 year old women who haven’t really had a job in 15 years are not attractive candidates.

An idea: can you talk to your NGO about going PT for a few years, with one day of telework? If you work, say 2 days, 16 hours, you can hire a PT nanny or look for a nanny share, only go into the office one day a week, cut commute and dressing for work time, and have time at home with your baby and to keep the house running, even nurse the days you telework. This is not realistic in many jobs. But it might be at an NGO.

You might not make money after paying the nanny, but you keep your foot in the door and your resume active. Then when DC is 3, they can do a full time pre-school, which costs a lot less than newborn care, and return to work FT. Or stay PT until your kids are in MS or HS or college or forever.

Neutral if you ever want to go back, you need to realize it is harder than you might think.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar career, OP, and took a few years off when my kid was born. Had zero issues getting a job when I tried- in fact, I ended up getting a better, supervisory position. I also had offers from completely unrelated fields with much higher salaries. So I wouldn’t be too worried about your career- it’ll take a small hit but it won’t be gone forever. Just be prepared to do some networking and prep for interview questions.

[Anonymous]

1) How is a sixth year big law associate only making $156,000/year in 2018? My dh made that much as a fourth year associate in Chicago almost 15 years ago. Your dh’s salary suggests you don’t live in a HCOL area, but the day care costs you quoted suggest that you do.

2) You will be doing 95% of the work of raising your child. Can you be satisfied with the only contact you have with the outside world coming with a baby/toddler in tow? Because you cannot afford to stay home and pay for babysitting to get out of the house by yourself on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) How is a sixth year big law associate only making $156,000/year in 2018? My dh made that much as a fourth year associate in Chicago almost 15 years ago. Your dh’s salary suggests you don’t live in a HCOL area, but the day care costs you quoted suggest that you do.

2) You will be doing 95% of the work of raising your child. Can you be satisfied with the only contact you have with the outside world coming with a baby/toddler in tow? Because you cannot afford to stay home and pay for babysitting to get out of the house by yourself on a regular basis.

That was the after-tax number she gave. And I assume before bonus?

Yes, of course she can afford to go out without her baby. I'm in a relatively similar income bracket and have a sitter (college student) come for a full day each week. We prioritize it, DH and I both think it's important that I have "alone" time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) How is a sixth year big law associate only making $156,000/year in 2018? My dh made that much as a fourth year associate in Chicago almost 15 years ago. Your dh’s salary suggests you don’t live in a HCOL area, but the day care costs you quoted suggest that you do.

2) You will be doing 95% of the work of raising your child. Can you be satisfied with the only contact you have with the outside world coming with a baby/toddler in tow? Because you cannot afford to stay home and pay for babysitting to get out of the house by yourself on a regular basis.

That is his take home salary, not his before tax salary.

[Anonymous]

Ah, that makes more sense. I missed that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

This is a ridiculous list. I SAH, and could say all the following:

1. I enjoy my job (stay at home), and we have high HHI.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and interacting with other moms/kids. I also enjoy going out once a week on my own (I'm the PP who has a babysitter once a week) to run errands, work in a coffee shop, etc.
3. My DH and I are equals. Staying at home doesn't change that.
4. I have my own retirement account. That was a priority for us.
5. I DO have my own identity. Sorry your SAHM moms are boring; maybe you're boring too. I, on the other hand, have several hobbies, and I certainly still connect with my prior career in terms of identity/interests.

Yes, I'm staying home for me as much as for my kids/family. I think kids who are raised by working moms and in the care of nannies or daycare providers are just as lucky as kids raised by stay-at-home moms.

You make a lot of judgements about SAHMs that are just ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a baby around the same time as many of my friends and definitely have noticed a big difference in the marriages of SAHMs and working moms. I work for many reasons.

1. I really enjoy my job and I earn a relatively high salary (200k+) with flexible hours.
2. I enjoy getting out of the house and the interaction I have with other adults during the work week.
3. One of the main factors for me is that my husband contributes at home and we are equals. I would resent doing all of the housework, planning, organizing etc but maybe you don’t mind this.
4. I want my own retirement account.
5. I don’t want my entire life to only be about my husband and child. I have my own identity. My SAHM friends have become more boring and overly focused on their child as time goes by.

I’ve also noticed that many SAHMs think they are staying home for the benefit of their child but really it’s for them. And that’s fine. But I’m not sure it makes much difference to the children and as we know, the children won’t remember their early years. My nanny is excellent with my child. Some of the SAHMs I know are actually making huge parenting mistakes that maybe could be avoided if they weren’t the sole childcare provider for their child.

All of this being said, you need a new job. Working for $35k at your age is silly. Your benefits are terrible. I realize some people can’t find better jobs, but I assume you can. You should quit once the baby comes and then around 5 months postpartum try and find a new job. One with some flexibility so you spend enough time with your child. Just don’t stay out of the workforce too long and try to find a job where you can return if you have a second kid (at least 4 months of unpaid leave)

I agree 100% with all of this.

There is a VERY clear difference between most SAHM marriages and working mother marriages. Especially as the kids get older.

Yes, I've noticed this too. Working mother marriages are more likely to end in divorce. And the working mothers are fatter

Someone struck a nerve we see.