Marriage dynamics - one vs two income households

[Anonymous]

Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are burnt out at your job, you might leave your job with an eye towards re-entering the workforce in a different job at around 1 year. By then you'll have a better idea about how you feel about all of this, anyway.

The income argument (daycare costs more than I make) has never really held water for me. It might cost more than you make NOW, but what about the opportunity cost of an interrupted career trajectory?

So again, if I were you, I would take some time off initially and use it to think about what you might do when you go back that would be less draining and perhaps better paid.

Good luck!

There's not a lot of opportunity cost to interrupting a $35k before-tax job.

35k x5 > 0 x5

Also, way way easier to get a job when you have a job.

These entry level jobs are very difficult to compete with new grads with zero time constraints.

OP has a workaholic spouse, so she will need to drop off and pickup or do both ends with the nanny -- so her hours will be very strict and making them any longer impossible; getting hired with no recent work history and those constraints is tough.

Better goal: aim for higher paying job NOW, and try to shift to WAH or part-time by the time the kid is a little older and you want spend more time with them (afternoons at the park, eventually school commitments)

Not when you factor in the cost of daycare. (35*5) - (40*5) < 0 *5

[Anonymous]

Try part-time if you can somehow make it happen. For me, the threat of quitting was enough for them to give me whatever flexibility I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I'm just worried about being dependent on my DH even though in reality I am now given his income vastly exceeds mine. I work in refugee resettlement and this work environment right now is, well, sad and exhausting. DH ideally doesn't want me to stay home until IF he makes partner for more security, which won't be for a few year if it does happen.

Op, I worked in refugee resettlement and job searching too - it is sad and exhausting. No one wants to house or offer jobs to refugees.

My guess is you could likely find a SW job paying 50k+ if you wanted to. Why are you staying in that job?

[Anonymous]

OP again here, so for those who said it is unlikely that he'll make partner can you share details about this. I'm optimistic as he's been told in his last two reviews that they are preparing him for partnership duties and have been actively training him. The firm sent him to a special training conference last year too. Been at the firm almost 5 years since 2L year after working for the feds in expert area for 4 years (also - we have paid off all of our student loans as of two years ago thanks to his job). DH exceeds his hour requirement (last year was 2400+) and has clients specifically asking for him. I know nothing about the legal word though so this all sounds good to me. Are these things not positive?

Also, I don't want him to take on more home responsibilities as his work load is so high, and if his partner told him 2 reviews ago that if he wants to be on the partner track that he needs to keep up the work load. Another female associate complained about the work load and got pushed out soon after. I understand a bit that he has to hustle if he wants to make partner, which he does. He also really likes his job and is a workaholic. It is part of his personality that I know and love. I'm truly okay with doing more on the homefront as it is part of our partnership in life (been married 10 years, together 16 years).

My goal is to make things the least stressful on all of us as there's a fair deal of stress in our lives. That is really all that I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

Why don’t you take the daycare expenses out of her Dh’s $200,000 income instead of her $35k share?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I'm just worried about being dependent on my DH even though in reality I am now given his income vastly exceeds mine. I work in refugee resettlement and this work environment right now is, well, sad and exhausting. DH ideally doesn't want me to stay home until IF he makes partner for more security, which won't be for a few year if it does happen.

Op, I worked in refugee resettlement and job searching too - it is sad and exhausting. No one wants to house or offer jobs to refugees.

My guess is you could likely find a SW job paying 50k+ if you wanted to. Why are you staying in that job?

I love my job mostly as I love the families that I've worked with over the last 8 years. The struggle right now is more political climate - less money from the feds due to less refugees entering the country and financial struggles of NGO as result. More harassment from random people on the internet getting our emails and phone numbers who don't want refugees entering the country. So work itself is good, political environment terrible. Although there is less work these days due to less refugees coming in and hours might be cut back so who knows if I'll even have a job to come back to when I'm done with maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here, so for those who said it is unlikely that he'll make partner can you share details about this. I'm optimistic as he's been told in his last two reviews that they are preparing him for partnership duties and have been actively training him. The firm sent him to a special training conference last year too. Been at the firm almost 5 years since 2L year after working for the feds in expert area for 4 years (also - we have paid off all of our student loans as of two years ago thanks to his job). DH exceeds his hour requirement (last year was 2400+) and has clients specifically asking for him. I know nothing about the legal word though so this all sounds good to me. Are these things not positive?

Also, I don't want him to take on more home responsibilities as his work load is so high, and if his partner told him 2 reviews ago that if he wants to be on the partner track that he needs to keep up the work load. Another female associate complained about the work load and got pushed out soon after. I understand a bit that he has to hustle if he wants to make partner, which he does. He also really likes his job and is a workaholic. It is part of his personality that I know and love. I'm truly okay with doing more on the homefront as it is part of our partnership in life (been married 10 years, together 16 years).

My goal is to make things the least stressful on all of us as there's a fair deal of stress in our lives. That is really all that I want.

It’s less stressful if you stay home. Families have more free time with a sahm because she gets to do all the scut work instead of the divide and conquer strategy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

Why don’t you take the daycare expenses out of her Dh’s $200,000 income instead of her $35k share?

Because she is likely to know that after tax that doesn't change a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

Why don’t you take the daycare expenses out of her Dh’s $200,000 income instead of her $35k share?

OP here. So after tax math.

156k (DH) + 21k (me!) = 177k combined after taxes estimated from current paychecks

Daycare will be about 26k (2200 x 12 months). I assume a nanny will be more, but considering as more flexible.

So, math is that we'd have 151 take home if I work. Or if I don't work, take home is 156k although I don't know how taxes will change with 2 dependents.

I'm struggling to see how my working is best financially. I could be wrong here, but I'm personally not seeing it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been in a very similar situation, and I decided to stay home.

I do not regret it one bit. I don't regret leaving my career (which I liked, but could be stressful, and didn't earn much - more like 50-60K), and I love being home with my children.

DH is also in big law, and, like you, I did (and do) EVERYTHING. And when I say everything, I feel like people don't even realize what that entails: making plans with his mom for the holidays (and I don't even like her very much), remembering his sister's birthday, buying his freaking underwear, paying every bill and managing every investment, etc - plus all the obvious things parents do. My DH doesn't even know how to use our washing machine and hardly knows where to find things in our house, but you know what? He works his butt off at his job, and he still manages to ENJOY it (most of the time, anyway).

The people who say he "probably" won't make partner miss the point that you make it much more likely he might (or at least, he can take his best shot) if you are there to take care of everything at home and with your baby.

Also, I made the decision to stay home for my own reasons, but I always thought that if I had continued to work, I would have been extremely resentful at how much "home" stuff I had to do (it multiplies when you have kids, believe me). I look at my friends who work, and their spouses work, AND the women do 80% of the "stuff", and I feel like I easily could have fallen into that situation - not because DH isn't feminist (he is) but because his job just wouldn't have allowed for him to do more.

Plus, the way DH and I have always understood it is this: he will make career decisions that, all other things equal, prioritize making a good living; and I will make career decisions that prioritize having time. So right now he's in biglaw and I'm home; in a couple years it might be my working part-time (but home for the kids in the afternoon, able to stay home when someone is sick etc), and he'll be in private practice in some capacity.

[Anonymous]

OP I am in your shoes more or less. DH is a 7th or 8th year (can't remember he got bumped up a year at one point) and will bring in $400k this year with his bonus. I work for the state and make $65k a year. Similar disparity.

We have 2 kids and another on the way. I work from home and go into the office on occasion to do team building this, etc.

There is no way we could make this work if I didn't work from home. Also we live in 15 miles outside of DC (not in DC) so our daycare expenses are much less than yours. For our two kids we pay $2200 a month (for the two of them). When we have a 3rd we will be paying $3320 a month for all 3 of them (for 1 year until our oldest goes to kindergarten). That is more than I make a month. However I would never quit my job. I get amazing health insurance and I am a vested employee so I get retirement matching from my employer. All of that is worth much more than my salary.

Good luck with your decision. It is a hard one for sure and it is different for every family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

Why don’t you take the daycare expenses out of her Dh’s $200,000 income instead of her $35k share?

OP here. So after tax math.

156k (DH) + 21k (me!) = 177k combined after taxes estimated from current paychecks

Daycare will be about 26k (2200 x 12 months). I assume a nanny will be more, but considering as more flexible.

So, math is that we'd have 151 take home if I work. Or if I don't work, take home is 156k although I don't know how taxes will change with 2 dependents.

I'm struggling to see how my working is best financially. I could be wrong here, but I'm personally not seeing it.

Does your work have any benefits that you haven't listed? Better health care, 401k match, bonus, etc?
It sounds like your mind is made up. You just need to green light to go ahead. Discuss with your husband tonight, with numbers and then go!
If you do not enjoy staying home, you can always look for a better position later.

[Anonymous]

I always feel like if you're considering staying home BEFORE your baby arrives, you are highly likely to just end up staying home.

Even die-hard go-back-to-work moms often have that oh-my-gosh moment (hormone induced, in part, I'm sure) when the baby comes, and they feel like they do not want to leave that baby.

I experienced the moment I realized I didn't want to go back to work with HORROR because I never, ever thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom. But here I am 5 years later and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I often say it's the best gift my DH has ever given me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay home. It's absolutely insane to work for $35k a year and pay daycare $2k a month with aftertax money. You will never see your baby. Babies sleep around 7-7.

You do everything anyway. I would suggest hiring a babysitter once a week so that you can take some time for yourself.

Why don’t you take the daycare expenses out of her Dh’s $200,000 income instead of her $35k share?

OP here. So after tax math.

156k (DH) + 21k (me!) = 177k combined after taxes estimated from current paychecks

Daycare will be about 26k (2200 x 12 months). I assume a nanny will be more, but considering as more flexible.

So, math is that we'd have 151 take home if I work. Or if I don't work, take home is 156k although I don't know how taxes will change with 2 dependents.

I'm struggling to see how my working is best financially. I could be wrong here, but I'm personally not seeing it.

Does your work have any benefits that you haven't listed? Better health care, 401k match, bonus, etc?
It sounds like your mind is made up. You just need to green light to go ahead. Discuss with your husband tonight, with numbers and then go!
If you do not enjoy staying home, you can always look for a better position later.

As we are a small non-profit, the benefits aren't good. They offer no matching, no bonus, terrible health insurance, and no FMLA due to less than 15 employees; job handbook policy is that my job will be held for 4 weeks following birth with unpaid leave. The only benefit is that they offer a $30/month exercise benefit so I get reimbursed for 1 cycle class/month if that counts.

I guess I'm leaning one way, but I still worry about stepping back professionally as I never thought I'd ever consider staying home even though I was raised by a SAH.