s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For women, part of attraction is literally the instinct to attract a man to you. Once you know that he's "yours," this diminishes. If he suddenly had a big career boost and you began to notice other women giving him attention, you'd probably feel your drive growing again.

No, rubbish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read that other thread and it's a bunch of fighting about whether men should "open" their relationships after wives cut them off and some self righteous female PPs throwing their 2 cents in about how they're superior because they don't have this problem. Thanks for that, your contribution was really helpful

So it seems like many of us agree that this eventually becomes a problem for a lot of people.*

What is the solution? I am a late 30s mom of three kids, married for 15 years, and I only desire sex about once a month (probably when I'm ovulating - though I have an IUD and don't get periods anymore so I can't track that). I have sex with my husband 1-2x a week however because I know that once a month isn't going to cut it. But I would like to genuinely desire sex more often than that.

At the end of a busy day, usually I just want to chill on my own and read my book for 20 minutes before going to sleep. I don't have the energy to fulfill one more person's needs. That's often what psyching myself up for sex feels like - checking off something on my to do list. When we get into it, I do have an orgasm and I think "why would I want to live without this?" but then it goes right back to the same problem.

My husband is a good guy, he's attractive and fit, has a good job, helps with the kids 50/50 so that's not the problem. I don't know what is? Maybe the novelty? The other stress in my life? The SSR I take? I don't think it's the medication because I do genuinely desire sex more often on vacation but that is hard to replicate in my daily life.

What are the solutions that work for you guys?


*IF this doesn't apply to you, FEEL FREE to stay out of this thread.

so as a man, who had an ex DW that could go without sex the rest of her life, and found a new woman that LOVES sex every other day, once he puts it inside, doesn't it feel good? how is it that hard, if you know it will feel good?

OP here. I don't know why, that's why I'm asking. It is though. 9/10 I have to psych myself up to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read that other thread and it's a bunch of fighting about whether men should "open" their relationships after wives cut them off and some self righteous female PPs throwing their 2 cents in about how they're superior because they don't have this problem. Thanks for that, your contribution was really helpful

So it seems like many of us agree that this eventually becomes a problem for a lot of people.*

What is the solution? I am a late 30s mom of three kids, married for 15 years, and I only desire sex about once a month (probably when I'm ovulating - though I have an IUD and don't get periods anymore so I can't track that). I have sex with my husband 1-2x a week however because I know that once a month isn't going to cut it. But I would like to genuinely desire sex more often than that.

At the end of a busy day, usually I just want to chill on my own and read my book for 20 minutes before going to sleep. I don't have the energy to fulfill one more person's needs. That's often what psyching myself up for sex feels like - checking off something on my to do list. When we get into it, I do have an orgasm and I think "why would I want to live without this?" but then it goes right back to the same problem.

My husband is a good guy, he's attractive and fit, has a good job, helps with the kids 50/50 so that's not the problem. I don't know what is? Maybe the novelty? The other stress in my life? The SSR I take? I don't think it's the medication because I do genuinely desire sex more often on vacation but that is hard to replicate in my daily life.

What are the solutions that work for you guys?


*IF this doesn't apply to you, FEEL FREE to stay out of this thread.

so as a man, who had an ex DW that could go without sex the rest of her life, and found a new woman that LOVES sex every other day, once he puts it inside, doesn't it feel good? how is it that hard, if you know it will feel good?

OP here. I don't know why, that's why I'm asking. It is though. 9/10 I have to psych myself up to it.

^ to add to this, it's kind of like working out for me. I don't want to go but I know that I'll get into it once I'm there and I'll feel sooo good after. But still, getting myself there in the first place is a chore psychologically.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you read Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are? One thing she discusses is that women tend to have a more reactive sex drive — we don’t sit there and just get turned on the way men do, it’s usually in the context of things already getting sexy. So building in time to your schedule when you can want it helps.

I haven't read this, but have seen it recommended so many times. So what is the recommendation for women to help us get there? Like what are we to react to?

I do generally have to get myself in the right headspace before I can even entertain the idea. It's inconvenient.

It’s been a couple of years since I read it, but IIRC: she basically says that a lot of times, starting to do things that we associate with sexiness will start getting us turned on. So kissing, snuggling, goofing around together (at least for me), putting on something that makes you *feel* sexy — will start getting the wheels turning. She also talks a lot about how there’s both a “gas” and a “brakes” to the libido and it’s not enough to press on the gas, you also have to reduce the things that are pressing on the brakes.

I do recommend reading it, but do it on kindle! The cover illustration looks like a vulva.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read that other thread and it's a bunch of fighting about whether men should "open" their relationships after wives cut them off and some self righteous female PPs throwing their 2 cents in about how they're superior because they don't have this problem. Thanks for that, your contribution was really helpful

So it seems like many of us agree that this eventually becomes a problem for a lot of people.*

What is the solution? I am a late 30s mom of three kids, married for 15 years, and I only desire sex about once a month (probably when I'm ovulating - though I have an IUD and don't get periods anymore so I can't track that). I have sex with my husband 1-2x a week however because I know that once a month isn't going to cut it. But I would like to genuinely desire sex more often than that.

At the end of a busy day, usually I just want to chill on my own and read my book for 20 minutes before going to sleep. I don't have the energy to fulfill one more person's needs. That's often what psyching myself up for sex feels like - checking off something on my to do list. When we get into it, I do have an orgasm and I think "why would I want to live without this?" but then it goes right back to the same problem.

My husband is a good guy, he's attractive and fit, has a good job, helps with the kids 50/50 so that's not the problem. I don't know what is? Maybe the novelty? The other stress in my life? The SSR I take? I don't think it's the medication because I do genuinely desire sex more often on vacation but that is hard to replicate in my daily life.

What are the solutions that work for you guys?


*IF this doesn't apply to you, FEEL FREE to stay out of this thread.

so as a man, who had an ex DW that could go without sex the rest of her life, and found a new woman that LOVES sex every other day, once he puts it inside, doesn't it feel good? how is it that hard, if you know it will feel good?

OP here. I don't know why, that's why I'm asking. It is though. 9/10 I have to psych myself up to it.

^ to add to this, it's kind of like working out for me. I don't want to go but I know that I'll get into it once I'm there and I'll feel sooo good after. But still, getting myself there in the first place is a chore psychologically.

Does that make sense to anyone else?

NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.

Wow what a selfless and novel concept. Wait a second... does HE actually ever do "unenjoyable" things just for you, purely out of love? Incredible! Who ever thought a marriage might involve meeting the important/legitimate needs of one's spouse, even if that particular thing is less important for me? This is a great idea; maybe we can write a book or do a film? We could make a lot of money on this....

[Anonymous]

1. Consider scheduling sex twice per week on your best, most energetic days and times. This both frees you of "worry" that he might initiate sex on an OFF day, and lets you "look forward" to the ON days when you are pretty certain to have high energy.

2. Make a list of all the busy/stressful stuff you do over the course of a week. Carefully review this list and identify:
a. 3% of things on your list that you can outsource: pay somebody else to do those things
b. 3% of things on your list that your husband can take on: ask him to do these instead of you
c. 4% of things on your list that really are not that important anyway: stop doing these entirely
Having eliminated 10% of your busyness and stress, invest that time into being feminine and feeling good about yourself, mentally and physically, with the specific goal of being more mindful about wanting and enjoying sex.

3. Mix things up with toys, porn, sex in new positions and places, costumes, sext messages, kinks, books, visit a strip club, maybe even a Hall Pass for you, and one for DH. Novelty is very important for sexual desire, especially for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.

Wow what a selfless and novel concept. Wait a second... does HE actually ever do "unenjoyable" things just for you, purely out of love? Incredible! Who ever thought a marriage might involve meeting the important/legitimate needs of one's spouse, even if that particular thing is less important for me? This is a great idea; maybe we can write a book or do a film? We could make a lot of money on this....

Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.

Wow what a selfless and novel concept. Wait a second... does HE actually ever do "unenjoyable" things just for you, purely out of love? Incredible! Who ever thought a marriage might involve meeting the important/legitimate needs of one's spouse, even if that particular thing is less important for me? This is a great idea; maybe we can write a book or do a film? We could make a lot of money on this....

Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.

If that really does work for both of you, awesome! I would never stay faithfully married if we were having sex that infrequently. To each his/her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s your birth control that ruins your libido. Go see a reproductive endocrinologist and get it figured out.
This country and what it does to women is just maddeningly ridiculous - how many men are on libido ruining birth control?

Hi OP. I could have written your post- I feel the exact same way. I am getting my Mirena out today because I think it has been negatively impacting my sex drive. I've had it in for 2.5 years. At first I thought it was just new mom hormones that were negatively impacting me, but at this point our kid is 2.5 and I have a hunch it's the Mirena. I never felt this way on regular BP Pills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.

Wow what a selfless and novel concept. Wait a second... does HE actually ever do "unenjoyable" things just for you, purely out of love? Incredible! Who ever thought a marriage might involve meeting the important/legitimate needs of one's spouse, even if that particular thing is less important for me? This is a great idea; maybe we can write a book or do a film? We could make a lot of money on this....

Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.

Does your idea that selfless acts of love equals compulsion or duty apply only to sex? Or maybe your husband, after so many years of "hearing about your day" is much less interested and should adopt your policy of every 3 weeks, if he's really into it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I found after 10+ years of marriage. Apart from all other marital duties, sex is a part of marriage that absolutely cannot abide any sort of compulsion. Yes, you can guilt-trip your spouse into duty sex with you, but the overall health of your sex life will suffer.

Here are the two guidelines that help us to have it sort of hot:

- accept that as time goes on, there will be ebb and flow in your desire for each other. Regardless of what DCUM tells you, it is perfectly normal for loving couples to take a break from sex for a few weeks or even months, and then come together again with a renewed passion for each other.

- accept that it is better to have less sex of good quality than more bad sex. The key to achieving this is somewhat counter-intuitive, but it is maintaining a level of excitement without bringing it to climax every time, and having generally less sex than we would like. Sexy thoughts, a bit of foreplay, flirtation, some fondling here and there but without expectation that it will lead to intercourse. This can go on for days. Then when we finally have it, it's mind blowing.
Also, if you have young kids, it's normal that you forget about sex for a few months. It just is.

Likewise, I have found:

- accept that as time goes on there is an ebb and flow in your desire for monogamy. Regardless of what DCUM tells you, it is perfectly normal for loving couples to take a break from monogamy for a few weeks or even months, and then come together again with a renewed passion for each other.

Also, if you have young kids, it's normal that you forget about monogamy for a few months. It just is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what I found after 10+ years of marriage. Apart from all other marital duties, sex is a part of marriage that absolutely cannot abide any sort of compulsion. Yes, you can guilt-trip your spouse into duty sex with you, but the overall health of your sex life will suffer.

Here are the two guidelines that help us to have it sort of hot:

- accept that as time goes on, there will be ebb and flow in your desire for each other. Regardless of what DCUM tells you, it is perfectly normal for loving couples to take a break from sex for a few weeks or even months, and then come together again with a renewed passion for each other.

- accept that it is better to have less sex of good quality than more bad sex. The key to achieving this is somewhat counter-intuitive, but it is maintaining a level of excitement without bringing it to climax every time, and having generally less sex than we would like. Sexy thoughts, a bit of foreplay, flirtation, some fondling here and there but without expectation that it will lead to intercourse. This can go on for days. Then when we finally have it, it's mind blowing.
Also, if you have young kids, it's normal that you forget about sex for a few months. It just is.

Likewise, I have found:

- accept that as time goes on there is an ebb and flow in your desire for monogamy. Regardless of what DCUM tells you, it is perfectly normal for loving couples to take a break from monogamy for a few weeks or even months, and then come together again with a renewed passion for each other.

Also, if you have young kids, it's normal that you forget about monogamy for a few months. It just is.

You love telling it to yourself. This is the topic about a monogamous marriage, not your personal fairytale. Nobody is asking here how to cheat, plenty of other topics on that.