s/o what is the solution to lack of desire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.

Wow what a selfless and novel concept. Wait a second... does HE actually ever do "unenjoyable" things just for you, purely out of love? Incredible! Who ever thought a marriage might involve meeting the important/legitimate needs of one's spouse, even if that particular thing is less important for me? This is a great idea; maybe we can write a book or do a film? We could make a lot of money on this....

Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.

Does your idea that selfless acts of love equals compulsion or duty apply only to sex? Or maybe your husband, after so many years of "hearing about your day" is much less interested and should adopt your policy of every 3 weeks, if he's really into it?

He tells me about his day too so it's not really one-sided. I am sharing my experience that I've had selfless sex with DH for a couple of years, and it killed any sexual feeling I had toward him. That's why I don't do it any more. I don't want to lose the desire to have sex with him, and I know I will if I compel myself toward sex. That's me.

[Anonymous]

Question: when women here say they enjoy it when they get started, do they mean they orgasm? Or do they enjoy the whole experience? I can orgasm easily but unless I'm already at least somewhat in the mood, the foreplay/getting started part makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question: when women here say they enjoy it when they get started, do they mean they orgasm? Or do they enjoy the whole experience? I can orgasm easily but unless I'm already at least somewhat in the mood, the foreplay/getting started part makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

omg. Maybe you’re gay?

[Anonymous]

Weed. seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: In my case I don’t even sleep with DH (each sleep with one kid so we sleep more) so that does not help because we need to plan sex after kids are asleep (not a big deal, but still).
I think/hope that once the kids are older (like elementary or middle school) we will have more time to relax.

Co-sleeping killed our marriage and it never recovered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Likewise, I have found:

- accept that as time goes on there is an ebb and flow in your desire for monogamy. Regardless of what DCUM tells you, it is perfectly normal for loving couples to take a break from monogamy for a few weeks or even months, and then come together again with a renewed passion for each other.

Also, if you have young kids, it's normal that you forget about monogamy for a few months. It just is.

I challenge anyone to find a DCUM thread in which the wife said her husband cheated on her right after she gave birth, and the reaction was "don't worry, it is normal to take a break from monogamy and you will soon come together again with renewed passion for each other." I predict a 100% DCUM response along the lines of "you should divorce that cheating pig immediately".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was your sex drive like pre-kids? It seems like a lot of low-average sex drive people become low drive post kids.

Yep, they had sex more because they knew it would trap the target. It's not hard to figure out when some one prioritizes the house cleaning over the marriage.

OP here.
I don’t WANT to feel like this, believe me. It causes me a lot of guilt and anxiety.

Do you have any crushes? Actors, dads at school, random co-workers? Could you role play? Are you visual? Could the right kind of porn (no gross porn guys, no trafficking, etc.) turn you on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:any women tried testorone cream? I know some drs will prescribe it off label. Hard to get the dosing right so it doesn't masculinize you but some women swear it was life changing for them.

Yes. And it’s not hard to get the dosing right so it doesn’t ‘masculinization you’. It’s easy. I take a prescription cream specifically for women from Australia and I got it from my doctor. I just rub a little in each day and it just keeps my sex drive going a bit after menopause. I’m also less tired and can exercise a bit more like I used to. I also feel more like myself emotionally.
I have no masculine issues, no acne, no issues at all. It has dosing for women right on the label and I make sure to use a little less.
Go see a reproductive endocrinologist. My regular doctor , OB and regular endocrinologist were no help at all.

It’s the birth control that is doing this to you though probably - that time just before you ovulate is your monthly sexual peak, I’d hate to miss that. Anyone ever thought of just using condoms?

I did see a reproductive endocrinolist (same dr who did my IVF so he really knows my body and hormones, he is very well known in DC)). he was adamantly opposed to testosterone for women in any dose) because it felt like the side effects would be too bad. Not sure where to turn to next.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.

Wow what a selfless and novel concept. Wait a second... does HE actually ever do "unenjoyable" things just for you, purely out of love? Incredible! Who ever thought a marriage might involve meeting the important/legitimate needs of one's spouse, even if that particular thing is less important for me? This is a great idea; maybe we can write a book or do a film? We could make a lot of money on this....

Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.

If that really does work for both of you, awesome! I would never stay faithfully married if we were having sex that infrequently. To each his/her own.

Did your wife/husband know that before you got married?

If sex is so important for some people, why don't they make it crystal clear in their marriage vows/pre-marital discussions?

oh wait.. may be they did not know that it was so important. But their spouse has to put up or else get blamed for failing to understand how important sex is.

Some of you were playing games and hiding just how horny you were to get the right spouse. Yet you accuse your spouses of playing games to hide their low libido.

I am a horny wife who gets turned down quite a lot(I would like to have sex every single day-instead I masturbate that often). It's no bid deal for me. I use my hands to do what I have to do. I am very happily married and not trying to force my husband to have sex with me if he is not feeling up to it.

[Anonymous]

I went through a period of low desire at about year 10 of my marriage. I still loved my DH but the sex was pretty vanilla and perfunctory with neither of us really getting into it. I give my DH credit for raising the issue and we decided to both come up with ways to make things better but not to be bizarre. One night it was up to him to bring a new idea and then it was my turn. A few times we followed videos which required some real acrobatics. Another time we hopped into the back seat of my minivan and found a new use for a captains chair. Now 5 years later we have a great inventory of enjoyable ways to have sex and the desire is definitely back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.

If that really does work for both of you, awesome! I would never stay faithfully married if we were having sex that infrequently. To each his/her own.

Did your wife/husband know that before you got married?

If sex is so important for some people, why don't they make it crystal clear in their marriage vows/pre-marital discussions?

oh wait.. may be they did not know that it was so important. But their spouse has to put up or else get blamed for failing to understand how important sex is.

Some of you were playing games and hiding just how horny you were to get the right spouse. Yet you accuse your spouses of playing games to hide their low libido.

I am a horny wife who gets turned down quite a lot(I would like to have sex every single day-instead I masturbate that often). It's no bid deal for me. I use my hands to do what I have to do. I am very happily married and not trying to force my husband to have sex with me if he is not feeling up to it.

Well of COURSE she knew that regular sex was important to me before we got married !!! We were having regular sex while dating right? That means it's important. Why would anybody think otherwise? That would mean the person you are dating is not an authentic representation of the person you will marry. I would fully expect that anything important to my partner while dating continues to be important while married.

As for your point about marital vows, if the vows included things like "forsake all others" well there is a pretty strong statement that sex is important to the marriage. Otherwise, why would it matter if I had sex outside the marriage if sex were not actually important to the marriage?

I've never seriously heard of anybody "hiding his/her horniness" before marriage, what a funny accusation!

There was a point in our marriage when my wife lost interest and would turn me down alot. Over a period of several months, we managed to work through that. I was able to articulate my needs, that (for me) a normal sex life is a relationship dealbreaker. And my wife, despite the fact her own libido had gone down over the years, she actually does love me and finds sex to be a not unpleasant thing, so we were able to get back to a steady 2X week which I am happy with. Like you, I often masturbate to fill in the remaining gaps.

It is completely reasonable to have these discussions and be clear about your needs and what you are (or are not) willing to do. And you may find the relationship is no longer compatible, and would need to change somehow (divorce, open marriage) in order that both partner's needs can be met. Fortunately that is not my situation. I don't have to "force" my wife to have sex, she loves me and we have a decent sex life even though she has a rather low libido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He tells me about his day too so it's not really one-sided. I am sharing my experience that I've had selfless sex with DH for a couple of years, and it killed any sexual feeling I had toward him. That's why I don't do it any more. I don't want to lose the desire to have sex with him, and I know I will if I compel myself toward sex. That's me.

I never suggested that your sharing was one-sided. Only that I suspect your NEED for this particular activity far exceeds his, as per the gender norm. If not, then certainly there are SOME needs of yours which he just meets purely out of love for you? It would really be a miracle if his needs perfectly matched every one of yours (aside from sex). Likewise, I would hope your sex is not one-sided either?

My point is that, if a partner has established needs that are important to him/her, and these needs were being met while dating and well into marriage, it is very unloving to stop meeting those needs later on down the road, simply because your own personal need may have decreased. It is selfish to say you only will do something if YOU have this exact same need, especially when it was YOU who changed (not him).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weed. seriously.

Yup. This one works, guys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Opinions obviously vary on this but my experience has been thus: for about two years, I've had sex with my husband when I haven't really wanted to (for various reason), and the focus has been on his pleasure rather than mine. What this brought for me is that I have basically stopped associating his touch with any sexual feeling. I got aroused and climaxed just fine with myself, but whenever he touched me, I felt nothing. Then we just didn't have sex for a while and went through a bad patch in our marriage.

We are doing well today. With regard to sex, my policy has become that unless I want to do it (in an active or a receptive way, doesn't matter), it doesn't happen. It just doesn't. Sometimes I want it when my husband does not, and then I have to put a lid on it too. Sex does not tolerate any compulsion, for me. Bring pressure, compulsion or duty into it, and the feeling goes away. The person just becomes asexual to you. I don't want this again. So we are content to have hot sex once every two or three weeks. That's good enough for us.

If that really does work for both of you, awesome! I would never stay faithfully married if we were having sex that infrequently. To each his/her own.

Did your wife/husband know that before you got married?

If sex is so important for some people, why don't they make it crystal clear in their marriage vows/pre-marital discussions?

oh wait.. may be they did not know that it was so important. But their spouse has to put up or else get blamed for failing to understand how important sex is.

Some of you were playing games and hiding just how horny you were to get the right spouse. Yet you accuse your spouses of playing games to hide their low libido.

I am a horny wife who gets turned down quite a lot(I would like to have sex every single day-instead I masturbate that often). It's no bid deal for me. I use my hands to do what I have to do. I am very happily married and not trying to force my husband to have sex with me if he is not feeling up to it.

Well of COURSE she knew that regular sex was important to me before we got married !!! We were having regular sex while dating right? That means it's important. Why would anybody think otherwise? That would mean the person you are dating is not an authentic representation of the person you will marry. I would fully expect that anything important to my partner while dating continues to be important while married.

As for your point about marital vows, if the vows included things like "forsake all others" well there is a pretty strong statement that sex is important to the marriage. Otherwise, why would it matter if I had sex outside the marriage if sex were not actually important to the marriage?

I've never seriously heard of anybody "hiding his/her horniness" before marriage, what a funny accusation!

There was a point in our marriage when my wife lost interest and would turn me down alot. Over a period of several months, we managed to work through that. I was able to articulate my needs, that (for me) a normal sex life is a relationship dealbreaker. And my wife, despite the fact her own libido had gone down over the years, she actually does love me and finds sex to be a not unpleasant thing, so we were able to get back to a steady 2X week which I am happy with. Like you, I often masturbate to fill in the remaining gaps.

It is completely reasonable to have these discussions and be clear about your needs and what you are (or are not) willing to do. And you may find the relationship is no longer compatible, and would need to change somehow (divorce, open marriage) in order that both partner's needs can be met. Fortunately that is not my situation. I don't have to "force" my wife to have sex, she loves me and we have a decent sex life even though she has a rather low libido.

Of course sex is important. However, is it important enough for you to leave because you do not have it frequently (pp mentioned once every two to three weeks so it is not like they have no sex at all). That sounds regular even though not to your liking.

There are many things that happened with frequency at the beginning of marriage that can no longer happen for several reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. That's how I feel too, except with both sex and exercise, doing it doesn't make me feel sooo good after. I feel like I accomplished something, but the thing itself doesn't make me feel that good. It just makes me feel tired and sweaty. And yes, I O 98% of the time. I just dislike the psychological/emotional chore of psyching myself up for it so much that it makes the whole thing unenjoyable overall.

So free yourself of this terrrible burden. Quit the gym, divorce your husband, and embrace your desired solo couch-potato lifestyle!

I love my husband very much and would do many unenjoyable things for him.

Good grief you are awful.